Lururiel's death

...  Shuzari and I were at the bottom of a relatively short cliff... The sky was dark and heavy with thick clouds. The winds were harsh and unforgiving. At the top of the cliff was Yahweh and nearing him was Lururiel... She seemed uncertain, but like she was going to make a figurative leap of faith. Yahweh made her some sort of offer; what it was, I don't remember.

All I remember is screaming at her not to accept, that Yahweh would corrupt her... But she would only hesitate before Yahweh would successfully convince her that no harm would come to her...

She was like a younger sister to me, we had such a deep bond... And I knew I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I had let her leave with Yahweh... 

And Shuzari had me in a tight embrace and refused to let me go to Lururiel...

I could do NOTHING...

So... to save her...

...

I... I killed her.

...

I shouted "rassori" (a verb in the Keeper's language meaning, "to die" and can be used as a command meaning, "die"), which, when the timing is proper will instantly kill an intended target (there is an instinctual knowlege that lets me "know" whether or not it will work of I use it) if I use it with intent. I shouted that single word at the top of my lungs...

My eyes turned black and began to glow as I said it, and... just like that, she instantly dropped dead right before she reached Yahweh at the top of the cliff. Then I was overwhelmed with shock and sorrow at what I had done.

"LURURIEL, NO!!!!!!" I screamed. "I'M SORRY!!! I'M SO SORRY!!!" I was already beginning to cry at this point...

...

Shuzari still wouldn't let me go, so I just fell apart sobbing and mourning in his arms. Then Yahweh disappeared with Lururiel's corpse in a dense mist, and the winds calmed... and it began to storm, the thunder roaring in the sky as I mourned... And I made a threat fowards Yahweh though he and Lururiel's body were gone: "YAHWEH, I'LL KILL YOU!!!!"

I screamed this, feeling a rage and sadness unlike anything I had ever felt before...

The memory just felt so real as it came to me... Makes me feel... just so guilty... Lururiel really meant a lot to me... She was the younger sister I never had... And though I did it for her sake, I wish there had been another way... I truly do... It feels like there WAS another way, but I know that there wasn't... Regardless, it's a terrible feeling knowing that I did such a thing to such a person... I just hope she holds nothing against me though I wouldn't blame her if she did...

But like Gabe said in one of my other threads recently: if you don't let out the bad memories, they'll eat you alive...

~Melari

*hugs* That's a very painful memory. Thank you for sharing it with us. As you know, it is important to reconcile memories like this, and bring them to light so you can begin healing.

I don't mean to be brash, but I couldn't help but wonder... could you have killed Yahweh instead?

*hugs back* Thank you, Ari. I didn't know I had EVER done something like that if I hadn't remembered it. I don't even know how I managed to not cry when the memory came. I actually wanted to cry, just so I could have that emotional release, but the tears wouldn't quite come... All I really had was that pressure beneath my eyes, the one that occurs when you just feel like crying.

In any case, it's alright; valid question. To answer it, I'm pretty sure I couldn't have killed Yahweh instead; it feels like that if I had done so, it would've caused a great Imbalance, and my job as a Keeper is to MAINTAIN the Balance. There's a sort of inherent knowing as to what would cause an Imbalance and what wouldn't... And sometimes, we don't even KNOW that we know it and our actions seem to sometimes follow that hidden knowledge even though we're obviously not thinking about it.

Additionally, the command only seems to work on specific people or a specific person when it decides that it WILL work; it's like the ability in itself knows who it's meant to work on and when.

That's the best way I can explain it, I'm afraid.

And yes... Maybe now that I remembered this, I can begin a process of washing and healing the wounds...

~Melari

I'd also like to mention that just like the instant-kill ability seems to "know" who to kill and when, I inherently know without knowing that I know it who the ability will work on and when to use it. It's a bit odd, but I guess one could say it's almost instinctial.

~Melari

*nods* I thought it might be something like that. It makes sense in a way, like I can *feel* it, or like I might have some ability that works in a similar way... Though at this point I'm not sure what it would be.

That's a horrible memory ._.;

*hugs*

I hope something good comes from you remembering it.

~Capsha

@Ari

Heh... Yeah... I guess the Universe thinks it'd be "cheating" if I was able to use it all the time, hence why the ability is so limited...

I'll leave it to you to think of the ways the ability could possibly be abused if I WAS able to use it all the time. Not that I would've abused the ability, but I, ironically, think it's a good thing that it's so restricted; deletes the possibility of abuse and any possible temptation to abuse it altogether. ^^"

Plus, it really WOULD be "cheating" if I could ALWAYS use it lol.

@Cap

*hugs back* Thank you to you too. =)

I hope something good comes of remembering the incident as well... I know the memory didn't just come for no reason; I just wonder exactly WHAT is going to come of it.

*sighs* I guess I'll find that out when the time is right.

But really everyone, thank you so much for your support... *hugs everyone* And knowing that pretty much everyone here has their share of painful memories is a help too; I know I'm not alone in this... We're able to share them here and we help each other heal...

That's one of the things I like about this community of ours... =')

~Melari