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 Stumbling around in the grey matter.

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Stariana

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PostSubject: Stumbling around in the grey matter.   Fri Mar 01, 2013 8:06 am

I started interpreting my own dreams and memories about 7 years ago. Up to that point, I didn't understand the feelings, the pain, the burning flashes of memories. I more or less put it all aside since I didn't have enough information to process it. I associated it with my "illness," and thought it would go away if I recovered. I only learned they can dope you up all they like, but there aren't enough anti-depressants and tranquilizers to quell "Post Traumatic Stress Disorder."

(I don't like to name experiences or feelings as such. To stick someone with a "disorder" is unfair and gives other people unwarranted presidence over another. It's better to pluck out that which you do not like about yourself and actively behave the way you want to in order to facilitate the change you seek.)

It wasn't until I met someone who was like me and we learned together that the memories started to flow more easily and made a little more sense.

But, lately, I seem to be going through periods where I seem to reject this, to put it aside, again. I tell myself that it isn't real. It's imagination. It's a narcissistic fantasy. It's something I made up at some point to distract myself from my own humanity. Maybe I really am just a human, and I want so badly not to be that I made it up - things like that.

Does anyone else ever feel this way?

After a brief period of this rejection, I come back around.
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Stariana

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PostSubject: Re: Stumbling around in the grey matter.   Fri Mar 01, 2013 8:07 am

Some could say I/we imagine it. Or that I'm making up a fantasy to escape from other afterlife alternatives.

I'm not imagining it. I grew up VERY strict southern baptist. I wasn't even allowed Disney movies - nothing mystical or fantastical. I told my best friend that Harry Potter was "Satanic" because I was THAT brain washed. I had no touch, no contact with any of the things that I dreamed or remembered. I did always feel out of place. At home. With friends. Somehow, I've always been left out. I was such a good and helpful child, it was easy to rely on me too much or forget about me, trusting I'd behave and entertain myself, or do my schoolwork on my own. Friends rarely invited me over. It was more often my parents calling their parents to ask me over. No one seemed to think of me of their own accord. I was easily forgettable. I felt alone and invisible, I have for much of my life.

I firmly believe in life after death. I believe in reincarnation. I believe that all my past lives were real and not imaginary or made up. I'm not even scared of other afterlife possibilities, should I end up in the wrong.

What if there is a hell? And I go there like my father says I am? Well bully for me! I'd rather spend eternity in hell than eternity in heaven praising a God who would send me to hell for having my own mind and for asking questions.

What if this is it? When you die, nothing happens? Well...then that's fine too. I will cease to exist and I won't know any different.

I'm fine with the alternatives, so that can't be cause for creating a fantasy.
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Ishtahar
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PostSubject: Re: Stumbling around in the grey matter.   Fri Mar 01, 2013 5:32 pm

well as someone who is not and never was anything more than human, ascended human to be true, but human nonetheless, i can say that I for one have certainly gone through what you're describing. The doubt can be crippling sometimes. Am I making it all up? Is it 'real' or all in my mind. To quote one of my favourite groups - Is this a real life, is it just fantasy? I don't know and i don't care. Whether real or not it's MY life and MY belief.

If you lose everything else in your life, hold on to your beliefs because they are yours, they are who and what you are, the way you define yourself and no one can take that away from you.
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BastianQoU

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PostSubject: Re: Stumbling around in the grey matter.   Fri Mar 01, 2013 7:22 pm

I've certainly dealt and deal with my fair share of doubts. When so much of what we are connected to isn't measurable in the physical world, we're really only left with our own judgement and belief to guide us. For some, that's plenty enough.

In my case, though I'm still struggling with my doubt, I've noticed far too many coincidences and common stories to outright reject this side of my life (though I have tried..). I believe that we wouldn't have this story shared between us if it wasn't true. I mean, unless some being decided to play a cruel joke and implanted these ideas into random people. But I find that unlikely.
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