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 An Intentional Fall

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Lili'el

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PostSubject: An Intentional Fall   Sat Sep 13, 2014 12:26 am

This is a combination of memories and a few vague feelings I've been getting lately. It's hard to explain, so I'm going to try just laying out the major things about this.

I remember (vaguely) my Fall, but the strangest thing was that I wanted it to happen. I wanted to be cast out, maybe even needed to be. I remember coaxing someone to do it, challenging them. "Either way," I said, "I will have won". A knowing smirk. Plans beginning to unfold. My Fall was premeditated, but I was the main schemer. Even though the pain was real, the first (albeit masochistic) part of my (or maybe our) plans ended in victory.

I have the strangest sense that my Fall did not bring a single, desolated finality. I believe it triggered a beginning of something. As for what, I do not know. But the feelings and memories are very strong in my mind that I just felt the need to share it with you guys. I'll post more if I find anything out.


~ Lili'el
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Azaz'el
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PostSubject: Re: An Intentional Fall   Sat Sep 13, 2014 10:29 pm

Thanks for sharing..... memories of our Fall can be troubling, painful or an act of freedom, depending on how they happen and their reasons. I have Fallen twice and the first one wasn't as horrendous as the second and did have a positive side to it, strangely enough.

Az

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Through Shadows falling out of memory and time...
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Lili'el

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PostSubject: Re: An Intentional Fall   Sun Sep 14, 2014 9:50 am

Thank you for your support. The way it came felt sudden. One moment I was in the kitchen talking with a trusted person and the next I saw remnants of my Fall play out.  The clearness of it all scared and fascinated me. All because I said the name "Lili'el".

Speaking of seeing, I found out that some of the reasons I chose to do this came from something (or things, rather) that I saw. I felt sharp pangs of betrayal and then sadness. A friend (in the memory) gave me comfort and that's when the scheme formed. The one I'm sure is when I Fell, I held no regrets. It seemed as if I had to something. Recover some part of myself I lost... it's disorienting right now. I'm  doing what can to sort out what I have and what I am receiving.

But I don't believe that is the last time the Shadows had contact with me in that life. The rate at which it's all coming back to me is alarming, yet I know it's for a reason. Synchroncity features highly in this life.
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Ari'el
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PostSubject: Re: An Intentional Fall   Mon Sep 15, 2014 12:02 pm

This seems familiar somehow... Especially the plans unfolding and you winning no matter what. I just can't remember anything specofic. I feel like maybe I saw what you were doing, and the plans you set in motion once they started, as an observer or someone who was affected by these plans maybe. I don't know. But I think I was secretly proud of you. At least, that's what the energy of the familiar feeling seems to suggest.

I also Fell on my own decision. But it wasn't to implement any plans. It was after the civil war against the Grigori and I was just completely fed up with what the hierarchy had done and was continuing to do. So I left. Maybe it wouldn't be considered a proper "Fall", I don't know.
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Lili'el

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PostSubject: Re: An Intentional Fall   Tue Sep 16, 2014 5:22 am

Wow, Ari'el, that really shocked me! I didn't think anyone might've found it familiar Shocked I wonder if the events leading up to my Fall were noticed by a few other, because I do remember some people trying to stop me. I remembered hearing the classic "You can have anything you want! Why are you doing this you stupid, stupid fool!?!?"  Some people called me selfish, but I have a feeling that the reason was selfess.

I think it was because of seeing the humans the Grigori taught being killed in or something like that. I sided with Lucifer in wanted them to learn and to grow. I may have even had friends in that life were humans. I feel like I snuck out a lot to hang around them.

But I also remember that Lucifer and one other told me that there would be a consequence if I did that, but it would be one that I could either make a blessing or a curse (sounds like him doesn't it?) and perhaps he was refering to the fact that in this life (and many others) that I would end a psychic vampire. I'm starting to get the feeling that my psychic vampirism was a cause of my Fall. I wonder if it's the same way for anybody else?..

But...for all the familiar feelings you have Ari'el, thank you so much for sharing them. I feel very at ease that someone felt something familiar. Hopefully I've helped you by posting. And for some reason I feel like I should say "Thank you for being proud of me when everyone else couldn't even bear to look my way" I love you
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Remiel

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PostSubject: Re: An Intentional Fall   Mon Oct 13, 2014 9:15 am

I have issues with determining if I'm actually Fallen or not (I think it depends on how people define it). But my first initial descent from Heaven was also voluntary, and I did it to gather information among the fallen, with only a tiny handful of others in the know. So the whole thing was staged during the Grigori incident.

So your story feels familiar to me, too.
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Lili'el

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PostSubject: Re: An Intentional Fall   Tue Oct 14, 2014 1:43 am

Remiel, before I began to remember my Fall, I also doubted whether or not I counted as Fallen. I always thought that to be counted as Fallen it would be through punishment, or disobedience, something like that. I think I was spared at first, or something, because I know I did something to get such a harsh sentence in the first place. If that's so then the time between the offending act and my Fall is incredibly blurry. I'm still shocked myself, especially that this memory seems familiar to a few people.

Hopefully I don't sound vain saying this, but something inside my mind tells me that what I and a few others did really shocked a lot of people. I still felt it was because I saw something happen (probably the flood and the punishment of some of the Grigori) and because I found out something about myself. Still so many blanks.
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PostSubject: Re: An Intentional Fall   Tue Oct 14, 2014 3:29 am

I take pride in my fall, I was locked up for not following Michael. While locked in the "jail" that heaven has me and many other angels used the war to escape. While some fell and joined hell, others created their own factions such as the outcast and grigori..then me I just incarnated I was wounded badly and I assume entering the incarnation process was the only way.
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Remiel

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PostSubject: Re: An Intentional Fall   Tue Oct 14, 2014 4:52 am

Lili'el wrote:
Remiel, before I began to remember my Fall, I also doubted whether or not I counted as Fallen.

You don't sound vain to me! And honestly, especially back then, the whole system needed to be shaken up.

My problem isn't so much that I don't remember Falling. It's that, things are blurry for me. Which makes sense, since liminality is a major thing I'm tied to.

So it really depends on how you define "Fallen". If by that you mean no longer aligned with Heaven, then yes, I am. If you mean no longer welcome in Heaven, then no, I'm not, because I still fulfill some of my duties tied to there. If by Fallen you mean no longer fulfilling my functions, then I'm not, because I'm still active and working the way I was made to work...just not under YHWH any longer.

You kind of get what I'm saying? I can remember specific acts, like when I first left Heaven. And when I first aligned myself with Hellish realms (which was actually just a couple years ago). But even the specific realm of Hell I'm associated with is kind of blurry in its intentions, and almost more of a neutral ground.
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Lili'el

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PostSubject: Re: An Intentional Fall   Thu Oct 23, 2014 12:44 am

I see what you're saying, Remiel.

For me, it's weird. I was "okay" not knowing if I Fell or not, maybe even believing that I was better off not knowing. At first I didn't think it would have made much of a difference. But know that I know I did... I certainly brought up a lot of issues. I felt scared at first. I wasn't at all "proud" of what I did. Right now I feel like I have to come to terms with the event that more than likely effected the rest of my lives up to now. Part of me says "It was easier to never know" and another side (maybe that Lili'el part of me) answers back with "It would be worse if you never did".

Not to mention some major issue with identity going on here, but it's proving to be an enlightening experience...to say the least. And of course more pieces are coming up, but they're ridiculously out of order.
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PostSubject: Re: An Intentional Fall   Sun Oct 26, 2014 9:55 pm

That's kind of an universal conundrum, isn't it? Whether it's better to know or not to know. In this case, where we're all seeking truth and understanding of who we were and who we are, all knowledge is valuable Smile
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Lili'el

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PostSubject: Re: An Intentional Fall   Mon Dec 01, 2014 5:40 am

Recently I attempted a tarot reading regarding my Fall and I ended up taking some interesting notes. It spelled out (however vaguely) the Fall, part of the reason, and to my surprise the life before I had planned everything.

Off the top of my head I remember it saying something akin to everything on the surface was fine. I had everything and maybe I had status, but that happiness was plagued by knowing that "something" was missing. I have a few ideas on what that "something" was.

It even described Lucifer and I making the plans. The cards talked about oppression, temptation and dark emotions; having a foggy sense of being and purpose before a sudden piece of knowledge or action changes the situation in the direction of liberation. I want to mention that the tarot deck I used for this reading had The Devil card show up and it pictured Lucifer from the Vertigo comics books Shocked Don't you just love when the Spirits decide to be direct about these things [/sarcasm]? lol!

I know some pieces of his story talked about how he took half of his brethren with him before leaving permanently, but most retellings are simplified. I wonder how much effort it took to get some many on his side? Didn't Lucifer fight against Michael at some point? I remember a huge fight, yet I don't remember fighting in it.
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Lili'el

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PostSubject: Re: An Intentional Fall   Thu Apr 21, 2016 5:12 am

I felt like I had a target so something within the plans, like there was something to find, something to hunt for, but I don't know what. Part of me wonders what the plans were, and why would they be torrential enough to cause my Fall. Though the thought of what was planned makes me not want to know, I kind of want to find out Twisted Evil Hey can someone pass that forbidden fruit basket over here, I'm craving it right now.

I'm sick of foggy memories.
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Ari'el
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PostSubject: Re: An Intentional Fall   Sun Jun 12, 2016 5:00 pm

*Hands Lili'el the forbidden fruit basket* Have fun and good luck Twisted Evil
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Lili'el

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PostSubject: Re: An Intentional Fall   Sun Jun 12, 2016 10:08 pm

Oooooh thank you Ari'el >Smile here's to knowledge lol! *bites fruit*
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PostSubject: Re: An Intentional Fall   Sun Jun 12, 2016 10:42 pm

You're welcome! XD Let us know how it goes lol
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