Iscarion

To those who knew him like I did I do apologize ahead of time for adding his name to this list but the reason I'm doing this is that I had a dream the night before last with him in it

He stood before me with that smug grin on his face, the one he was famous for
He said he lives and is reincarnated like the rest of us, which is not surprising I guess
He started to say something else but I grabbed him by the throat then he disappeared

I woke up in a very bad mood the next day and feeling very anxious as well

Even though I worked under him I never liked the
traitorous bastard, he is responsible for a great deal of suffering

So my friends what memories or feelings are sparked by this name?

Unfortunately, I can't really remember anything about him other than that he was a morally disgusting bastard who I couldn't help but absolutely LOATHE. However, despite the lack of memories, when I say his name out loud, I can't help but bare my teeth and/or hiss, and it makes me want to spit just to clear the filth that is his name from my mouth...

~Melari

I got the same feeling as Melari when reading his name and I felt from a range of emotions that I felt that he pretended to be a very good friend to some of us but then horribly betrayed us.

A terrible person with a beautiful smile. He literally glowed golden, but he committed crimes against the All. Not sure what else to say about him really.

well, frankly he's a pompous nob whose moral compass was so effed up i'm surprised he could walk a straight line, much less find his way to his chambers and back. When i think about that name, i get angry, but it's not the kind of angry where you want to tear something apart.... it's the cold anger, the one where you think every action through slow, calculating the best way to make him writhe and squeal under your boot before you crush him.

@Raz

Agreed. Iscarion... was/is the kind of guy I'd like to strangle and watch slowly choke and die from beneath my hand as I gradually crushed his throat.

~Melari

Oh c'mon you guys now tell me how you really feel

@ Gabe - haha XD


But yeah, I feel much the same as everyone else. When I read that dream of yours, I felt my muscles tense up, bared my fangs, unsheathed my claws, wanted to lunge forward like some feral beast and slice open his throat.... >

When he said that he was incarnated, I get the feeling that he was saying it in a sort of mocking or threatening way, like to scare us or something. But in the back of my mind, I just grinned and thought something like, "Good, now he is vulnerable." Though knowing him, he's probably in a high up position in some corrupt corporation or government.

It's strange though, despite all these feelings, I don't remember anything specific about him, except for that grin. The one that shined on the surface, but right underneath he knew he was better and more powerful than everyone else and manipulated them for his own purposes. Like the corrupt and overly powerful bad guys in movies lol.

Well... *sighs* I remembered last night why I hate Iscarion so much...

He's the one who killed me long ago.

I would probably go into detail as to how much I want to PERSONALLY make him suffer, but I have class right now. ^^"

So... Maybe I'll do THAT later; go into detail, that is. >_<

~Melari

To not be at risk of holding everything to myself and trying to carry burdens I shouldn't alone

I have to add a lengthy silence.... and sort of frantically .... ask.... was...IS... Iscarion a piece of YHVH?

I just remembered the first time I met him and the weird way he treated me as if I was precious, but the war that I tried to raise against him and the fury I had and a fleeting image of fury that he had that I hated him so. I think he hated that I hated him. I have no idea how far this freaking rabbit hole goes...

Is Iscarion in love with me???? I feel so frantic, in tears, and like shaking... like... ugh... this is horrible... why? Why would that be true? Are they the same person?

Is my hate unfounded???? No... no it isn't, right...? because he did do terrible things.

Guys I really can't face this alone... what exactly am I being asked to do??? I have to "forgive" I have to reunite... I have to... light and dark, coming back together again... I feel so much... rage??? It's unplaced... like rage against the humans?? For this whole stupid mess... like if only I'd just ....

I'll do whatever's needed. It's why I'm here on this stinking filthy planet... I don't know, like split personality haha... half of me wants to love everything, half wants to hate. If I have to forgive him, reunite with ... fine. I just want to understand if I can. Are they the same? What is he?????

I seem to remember someone like like that but I did not deal with him. I avoided him with a passion and had nothing to do with him.he left a bad mark on a couple of our missions just by him being there so I decided that I was going to have nothing to do with him.

@Ash i think i know what you can do...

i'm not endorsing him here, but while he has done a lot of harm, and we all bear personal grudges against him... without him, this wouldn;t be happening. by which i mean if things had gone differently, we might not be as well prepared to fight this, our insights might be severely limited, and we might not have the drive to carry through on whatever it is we're supposed to do here.

and really, we could spend months bickering and lamenting over how much of a royal ass he is, or what he did to each of us, or we could move on. maybe not necessarily forgive him, but accept that the things he did can;t be undone from where we are now. hate is as vital and native to our souls as love, and without it, would we really know what love is, without such a crucial opposite end of the spectrum? the only thing we can do right now, however, is move forward.

Hmmm... A few months ago I was browsing through FB comments and one random one mentioned Judas Iscariot. The name made me stop dead in my tracks because it sounded just too similar to Iscarion. So, I'm not Christian, and am certainly not familiar with all the stories, so I had to look up the name. Judas Iscariot was the one who betrayed Jesus by telling the Romans about him. When I read that I just felt even more betrayed somehow. I think it's possible that Iscarion and Iscariot were the same person. 

What Razi'el said made me think,...if it hadn't been for Iscariot, the whole "Jesus died for our sins" thing might not have happened. I'm not sure what could have happened instead, and I'm not a fan of the whole concept of sin anyway... But maybe the bad actions of Iscariot/Iscarion(?) were necessary to make things turn out in the way they were meant to be? 

And Ash, I'm really not sure what to say or do to help you, but know that you have my support and I'm happy to talk or just listen whenever you need. 

@Ari

I never noticed the similarity until you just mentioned it... And holy SHIT was it obvious! I can't believe I never noticed the relation before. .___.

But yeah, I can certainly see the connection between the two. And... as much as I am loathe to admit it... none of this would've happened indeed without Iscarion... the good OR the bad...

Doesn't mean I don't want to literally tear him a new asshole anyway. >3<

@Ash

Same as Ari, I'm here to listen or to talk to as well, should you need someone. =)

~Melari

A part of me says: "Iscariot is a title, not a name. He would have been titled Iscariot based on the actions of his infamous predecessor."

And I say thank you, all, for the support. ... It's really rough but I suppose there are worse things than love, and being loved.

i don't see this person coming into your life being a problem if you dont will it too. ash we all have a certain level of control over our lives and i think we may be able to save you that much trouble and best advice i can think of is going on living your life as you are and be happy and possitive and going on living without thinking about it have a happy new year.

For better or worse I don't have the same feeling about him as you guys. There's a definite fondness for him. I feel we've talked and he's poured out his heart and maybe he was a lying cheating stealing immoral bastard or whatever but speak as I find I think I liked him.

Well I think you might be the only one Ish... though that is encouraging to me since I'm being shown that I have to reunite with this person in some way, and I'm desparate for anything good to think about. Talked when?...

I don't know. It's just impressions I have when I think of him. To me, he feels like a little lost boy, someone who strikes hard with one hand, while pleading for love and forgiveness with the other. He was a tortured soul I think. A maelstrom of chaos within a hard uncompromising uncaring shell.

I get the feeling we talked almost by accident at some point and he was angry and bitter with me for a while... for allowing me to see weakness I think. but he kept coming back. He couldn't help himself I think. In the beginning he hated himself for it. I was a mere human after all. But I think we became friends of some kind before the end. He didn't do anything to help though

I suppose I can accept that sort of thing, though it's hard to "soften the gaze" and look at him as having needs like that. If he's ready to reunite today, perhaps you helped him to gradually come around in that way. Though I really do wonder if he's the sort of being/person that can be trusted today or not. ...But I'm bound to be biased.

Hi.

I thought I'd share what I've remembered.

....

It has become apparent to me that Iscarion is, or is a strong/dominant fragment of YHVH.

It has become apparent that Iscarion was in love with me, as disgusting as that feels to write, and that he was furious at me for not loving him back by the time we were in Eden. ... Remember that post I made about being with the gods, and having a fight, and me leaving the table? I think a few followed me out. That basically started my "divorce" with YHVH. *shrugs* I decided to leave him, but he was really bitter and jealous and angry and did not take it well to say the least. He did everything that he could to destroy me and the people that I loved (some of the Fallen) and then was confused and angry when that did not cause me to turn around and fall back into his arms.

As Ish says, striking hard with one hand, asking for love with the other. He didn't understand that striking out in fury would not cause me to love him any sooner.

He destroyed the Asherim, he caused many of the Shadow to Fall, mostly just to strike back at me... he fell into rage and jealousy and hurt and many of his actions came from that place.

I was rereading the "Memories, mild and nice" thread and reading this made me remember something else about him:

Ashtart wrote:

As I write about it, I remember that sometimes I did "know" what I was doing... there would be times that I would fall to my knees in the dirt and grass and push my hands into the dirt and feel something like a glowing star reverberating in my heart and come out of me and shine.... I was doing Earth magic, maybe.

(https://fallenshadow.darkbb.com/t665-memories-mild-and-nice)

That made me realize that I was precious because I was "the light" or "a light" on the planet. And I saw that he remembered exactly who and what I was, and that he sent the Shadow troop to fetch me from the Sidhe city and bring me back to Eden. We spent a few months hanging out in Albion. I guess that was part of his plan too. I guess he thought that if he could fetch me to him then I would remember and want to be with him this time. But of course, I didn't. I didn't even remember who he was. And at first he was patient. Then later, like a spurned little boy, he got more and more jealous. He didn't want to get his own hands dirty, but he wanted to hurt me, so he sent Shadow to randomly attack me and make it look like something that had no connection to anything.

Ashtart wrote:

It was here that was the first time that a Shadow attacked me. I was walking under the hanging gardens, something crunching under my sandals like gravel or ... small river stones. He was walking by me and reached out and hit me hard in the chest, and kept walking. I sort of spun around and fell on the ground. It shook me up, to be sure.

(https://fallenshadow.darkbb.com/t673-memories-continued)

I vaguely remember that one day he was infuriated with me so much that he pinned me against a wall in a hallway with his hand around my neck and yelled... something at me... that I can't remember.

The weird part is that I feel as if he has been following me around for my whole life. In this life. I remember when I was 6 that there was someone who was always in my head, a young man who was really really in love with me. And not knowing better, but remembering "love" from other lives (and from TV) I just sent him love right back. So Gabri'el, when you say that he told you that he is incarnate, he is.

But one day I blocked him out, because he started sending me thoughts of rage, and jealousy, and hatred... feelings from back then... that I didn't want to feel as a little kid. But he has hung around me the WHOLE TIME, trying to make me face him. He just won't let up.

I don't know how to feel about him. I don't know whether to forgive or not. I was talking to him recently, in my head, until I did a reading for myself that was verified by others that said that he was lying to me. So I haven't talked to him since. I don't know what he's lying *about* but knowing him it's probably something huge and manipulative :\ .

It doesn't feel like the connection between us can just be severed. In fact, that feels like it would be catastrophic.. like we'd all have to start all over if I did that -_- ... but he also reminds me of every abusive boyfriend that I've ever had (I've had a lot haha ...) So. Impasse.

So even to this day he's a vile piece of shit. Feh. I personally have not forgiven him for what he's done to me personally and in general. And as it stands, I don't plan to. Even rereading this topic filled me with that all too familar rage.

~Meti'ne

Ugh... I think Meti'ne said it well, what a vile piece of shit. And it doesn't really surprise me. It explains some things about back then.

Ash, this feeling that you have that it would be catastrophic if you severed ties with him... Is this a truth or something the he has subconsciously fed you to keep you with him? I have a feeling it's the latter. You don't need or deserve this abusive shit, whether it's from him or it's reflected in your physical life. And you shouldn't have to stay in any sort of abusive relationship in order to keep the world from imploding. That isn't/shouldn't be your responsibility. And if for some fucked up reason cutting ties with him would actually be catastrophic for the world, well I don't want to live in a place like that any way. So I say, cut ties with him and he can go get fucked by the devil in hell.

(What? No, I don't harbor any old anger toward him. What are you talking about?)