ARCHIVE: Getting it?, Why wouldn't I want what I want?

By Scratch Aug 18 2009 -

A lot has continued to be happening, but today has me confuzzled.

At one point about halfway through my work shift, an image popped in my head of an old door, like in a church or castle, swinging open. Nothing preceded or followed it, but something made a door, that had been closed for ages, open.

I feel like everything I want to happen is about to start rolling. The thing I don't get is a feeling of dread, or some such, accompanying that. All these things I've long suspected, but didn't think would ever happen. I want them to, hoped against hope, and did what seemed right. I'm now seeing results of hard word, and everything starting up for real. I want to understand this feeling. I sure don't want to miss my chance out of some irrational second-guessing or hesitation!

All my life I've wanted to shine. I've wanted other people to see things I do and love it as much as I do. I've wanted to let go completely so I can share the full-force of what I have. I had a lot of fear bred into me against that. My family are all the kind of people who quietly go about their lives; nothing wrong with that, except they discouraged me from expressing myself. My Dad wanted things quiet, and while they didn't try to dissuade me from being an artist, they kept suggesting art therapy or teaching, instead of letting me think it was conceivable I could make even some kind of a go at it. They're doing the same with music now.

Quitting my day job is still in the future, when I've gainfully replaced it with what I want to do. A big part of what I mean by things about to start rolling is I've got a plan, of sorts. Projected goals and timelines, bending to circumstance. I'm at the number 1's of that list, but I'm doing them, and so are people I'm working with.

Instead of fighting stage-fright and concerns about reactions, now it's a battle to put as much focus and meaning as I can into everything. That's a giant leap forward, and gives a sense of not going back. More of the same is nothing to go back to, but leaping into dreams is scary, apparently.

I'm getting fired up after a few weeks of rest, and want it all done already. Maybe I got a dose of that impatience some of you were talking about. The work is scary to think about: there's so much of it, and it's all an uphill climb. That could be part of it. But there's something frightening in the idea of actually doing it, as well. I've been experiencing some general paranoia. My roommate is on a moderately risky journey right now, and has his phone turned off. I'm trying to not worry about him; prayer helps me with stuff like that, but it still greatly affects my living situation, not to mention a good friend, if anything should happen to him. Also, stuff continues to teach me about love with guy I wrote about a while ago. That month break did wonders, and it's great we're hanging together again, but OYVEYFROINLAVEN.

After spilling my guts here for a while, I think it all comes down to this being a choice. That door swung open, and I can go through or turn my back on it. I can't see anything past the doorway. It's flat black inside from this side; could be anything. I know everything behind me, and exactly where I'd be going if I turned around and headed back that way. That stone wall is forbidding, but there's an opening. And I'd rather know for sure than always wonder, either way it goes.

Eep. Tentatively, I step through...


By Ouza Aug 18 2009 -

Scratch and all, wink.gif

That's one less gate that you and all of us have to go through in order to get through successfully to that next so called level of Awareness of Purpose and Plan!

I know and feel your anxiety, frustration and uncertainty quite well ... sticky wicket, it is!

We can and most certainly must be willing to perform this quest/goal to the best and fullest of our abilities no matter what? And apparently so much so that there are others (on the spiritual side/Multidimensional) who are willing to risk all, if not everything for us just to be successfully reawakened now at this time as the Old God's of yore... for that, is who we really are!<---Ego check !!!

We are most definitely needed here by this world and should be aware of the whys' and wherefore's so much that when and where we are to be called upon we will be successful and triumphant over all!

I just wish that, it didn't have to hurt both physically and emotionally so bad!

But we're being tempered and re-birthed in just this one lifetime solely for this one purpose ... and that my dear ones, is to be here for those who need and want us to protect and guide them at any cost in order to take them to the next whatever level of existence, as need be!

We are not alone!

Ouza

p.s. Not much comfort as to what's next ... but what the hey! We will be told when we are ready!


By Azaz'el Aug 18 2009 -

Hold your head up high, step through and only look back to see just how far you have travelled. We are all facing Gateways in our lives and whilst it may not be right for us all to step through at this moment, even knowing that we are there and preparing to step through is vital.

To use an old quote, we have nothignt o fear but fear itself, and even if things don't go as planned, life will still take us on an interesting and worthwhile journey. And I'm pretty sure Scratch, that you'll find within the next 6 months if not sooner that this path will have far reaching spiritual repercussions too.

I agree with you Ouza, the journey and process we face does and can hurt physically and emotionally.......... but pain is th great teacher, so I suppose it helps us to pay attention and learn.

Keep walking.......

Az


By Ouza Aug 19 2009 -

"JUST A THOUGHT!"

"You are completely in control of how any situation plays out in your day to day life. If you get your back up and start spouting a stream of defensive excuses, the spiral will take a decidedly negative nosedive. If you on the other hand take the higher road and respond with fairness and equanimity, you'll engineer a mutually satisfactory conclusion. It's your choice. Are you going to do what's right?"

Ouza


By Ishtahar Aug 19 2009 -

You are the Fool. And I mean in the tarot sense. the Fool stands on the edge of a cliff. To one side there is a safe path to the bottom. Does he take the path that leads him back to the stable safe steady way forward to mundanity... or does he take the leap into the unknown.

I would always advocate the leap.


By Azaz'el Aug 19 2009 -

Leap! Gods, yes, always leap! I'm looking for my own cliff now!

Az


By Razi'el Aug 21 2009 -

heheh, anyone feel like bursting into a rousing rendition of "Defying Gravity"?

but seriously, it does feel like we're all looking off the edge of a cliff, into the swirling mists below, where unknown things slither and creep about... macabre tone of that aside, it could be fun ^^ and who knows, it could be hiding a land of rainbows, sugar and unicorns tongue.gif unlikely.

anyway, i dunno about you guys, but it's time to just close my eyes and lean into the wind... here's hoping i don't hit any rocks on the way down LOL

Raz


By Azaz'el Aug 21 2009 -

QUOTE (Razi'el @ Aug 21 2009, 07:42 PM)
"and who knows, it could be hiding a land of rainbows, sugar and unicorns"

I'd prefer an ocean of chocolate!!!

Seriously though, it certainly does look as if many of us are facing a change... or the recognition of a change. Exciting times.... and here's hoping that the dreaded 'bad' days are kept to a minimum. Having already been hit by a few, I don't want many more!!

Az


By Scratch Aug 22 2009 -

I see what you were saying Ouza, but the first sentence was a bit misleading. We all choose the way we react to a situation, but so does everyone else. If I were in complete control of the situation itself, I'd control other people. Nit-picky perhaps, but an important distinction to me.

The rest was spot on, and a good thing for me to read right now. I've been intensely mad at the world today, making more mistakes than usual, and offering explanations (excuses). I think the three are very closely tied together. Especially since when I asked myself why exactly I was so angry, the answer I came up with is that everyone is so damnably human , especially those who claim to be more. Basically, I was pissed at reality for not being all rainbows, sugar, unicorns, and chocolate. ;P


By Ouza Aug 22 2009 -

There was a time scratch when even, I would never admit to being wrong but you are in fact correct in your interpretation of what was trying to be said. Words sometimes, if not always often evoke a lack of what one is truly trying to pass on or say just to even to be effectively communicated well!

Too much is going on in our life right now to be worried about what's going on the lives of others! If you're going to be even slightly concerned about anyone else's needs but your own, focus in on your own partner. It's all about your inner circle right now -- make sure that you and the person (or persons) you care the most about in this world are doing well. Everyone else can take care of themselves. Your heart needs to be reminded who matters the most. You!

Ouza

p.s. Rise above ... all else! (Perspective) and center (focus) in on the fact that scratch is no longer the same scratch as before but a new and vibrant light for others to follow!<--- minus the ego! Never forget the mission's true purpose... well, at least the one that we agreed upon before coming here! Things kind of got turned upside down and all around and lost in the translation!


By Ishtahar Aug 22 2009 -

Unforuntately we are all, at least partly human, it comes with the body. Feet of clay hun.

Those of us who are not more, not better, not higher but... different, should seek to rise above that and find our greater selves. By doing that we can separate ourselves from the dross and reach for the gold.

It's pointless being angry with them in the same way it is pointless being angry with a child for being a child. We can only try and be patient and understanding and hope that one day with a little guidance they will grow up


By Scratch Aug 23 2009 -

::chuckles:: True indeed! At the end of the day, the only one I was really upset with was myself, for indulging in unreasonable expectations. I keep trying to pull slivers from other people, but this blasted plank of mine always gets in the way...