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 ARCHIVE: moral dilema

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Join date : 2010-02-05

PostSubject: ARCHIVE: moral dilema   Mon Mar 21, 2011 10:36 am

By Hope 11 Nov 2007 -

well i think some of you might remember the girl i had an issue with a while ago... well we broke up three weeks ago but three days ago she came up to me and said she had breast cancer and that she's had it for a year now and im the only person she feels comfortable with telling; she also had me promise not to tell anyone.

essentially she put her life in my hands and blindfolded me and told me not to talk... if i try and untie it i drop her life.

i've never been faced with anything of the sort and i dont know how to approach the problem; normally when i get into tight situations it comes to me in a dream (i dont normally dream but when i do it relates strongly to life issues); the dream i had was like this, i go sky-diving with her, she pushes me out of the plane then jumps after me, when she catches up i grab her, hug her, kiss her, take my chute off, pull hers, let go and dive head first into the ground.



By Ishtahar 11 Nov 2007 -

well, if that isnt telling you that you are heading for a fall I dont know what would.

This lady has given you the greatest compliment in sharing this with you. It must have been hard for her, both to have gone all this time with no one to talk to about it and second in finding the courage to tell you even though you have broken up,

And it is quite reasonable for her to ask you not to tell anyone after all it is HER secret and not yours to share.

However, what she has not done and cannot do it put her life in your hands. So dont try to take it into your hands.

You cannot control the cancer and you cannot control her. It is not your responsibility whether or not she fights this, only she can make that decision.

As a friend your responsibility it to be there for her, to listen and encourage, if necessary to remind her to go to appointments and take medication or even be there with her if that is what she wants. But you cannot take her medication for her, or fight her cancer for her, or come to terms with it for her. In short you cannot live her life or die her death, and you have no responsibility for either.

Be as good a friend as you know how. No one could do or expect more.

As a final point and forgive me for asking Hope, but are you sure that she is telling the truth. It seems odd to me that she would have told you AFTER you broke up and also it is very unusual for one so young to have breast cancer (although not unheard of) especially as it is still there after a year. Generally breast cancer kills or cures within that time.

Whatever happens I have faith that you will deal with it in the best way you can and that is all that anyone can do.



By Hope 11 Nov 2007 -

thank you so much, you have no idea what this means to me; after i read that i just collected himself again... i cant imagine how i could have done anything in the state i was in, thank you so much



By Azaz'el 11 Nov 2007 -

Hope, you have my strenght and my best wishes with you at this time. I imagine that the situation must have been very emotional and difficult for you and I'm sure that you delath with it in the best way you could.

However, in many ways I agree with Ishtahar - she is responsible for her own health and to an degree she had no right to tell you in such a way. But to me it almost comes across as perhaps a cry for help as well as being a way to perhaps stop you or make you feel some pain and emotional upset. Perhaps if you feel such strong emotions for her then maybe you'll look more kindly upon her and her behaviour.

She is in control of her own health and if she has taken the decision of not teling anyone and dealing with this alone then there is nothing you can do about it, which is going to be difficult, painful and very awkward for you. All you can do is be as supportive as you have been and are being. There are times in life when all we need is a hug and someone we can be open and honest with. Perhaps you have become this person for her.

As for the dream, it certainly seems to be showing you that your feelings for her are still strong, as by taking off your chute, kissing her, and then plunging to your death it shows that you are still, perhaps, willing to do what you can to help and heal her regardless of the consequences to your own health.

I have to be blunt and say that I cannot really give you any advice other than to be true to yourself and your heart - if the dream is anything to go by, you will do the best you can for her.

Az



By Hope 11 Nov 2007 -

i think there's one thing that i should have made more clear... when i meant she hasn't told anyone, she hasn't even seen a doctor, i've already tried to convince her but i doubt it had any effect



By Ishtahar 12 Nov 2007 -

That does make an enormous difference Hope. It may very well be that she is so frightened about this that she has told you because she wants you to take the responsibility away from her by taking the decision to tell for her. It is very unfair of her but not unsurprising.

On the other hand are you sure that she is not making it up in order to get attention from you.

I am speaking now from the point of view of a mother and I have to say that if it were my daughter I would really want to know and hope that anyone who cares for my daughter would tell me.

She needs to get help. It might not even BE cancer and she could be killing herself with stress and worry over nothing. At the end of the day the worst that can happen if you do tell is that she will hate you forever....well small price if she has a forever in which to do so.

I am really sorry if this feels as if I am putting pressure on you because I am not, this is a terrible position for her to have put you and really really unfair of her to do so. I would suggest that you sit down with her and ask her bluntly if she was telling you because secretly she wants you to take the decision away from her to tell someone and get help. If she says no and shuts and swears at you and lays a guilt trip on you that the world will end if you break faith with her and tell someone then you have to make the decision I am afraid but let it be your decision and not hers. She simply cant tell you something as big as this and just expect you to sit on it. That is rediculous.

It may be, and from your dream it seems likely that it will be, that if you tell someone then she will drop you from her life, but at least she will have a life.

I would recommend that as a first step you research as much as you can on the internet. Find out all about breast cancer and its progress (I have to say that I find it hard to believe that she has had undiagnosed and treated breast cancer for over a year although it is possible I suppose). Find out about counselling services, self help groups anythign that she might be able to go to anonymously for advice help and support. Maybe you could talk anonymously to someone yourself for advice on what you can do for her, and what you should do yourself?

If you can get her to talk to a counsellor anonymously then they can give her much better advice than you can and maybe that is all you will need to do.

Try to think of common sense things that you can do, like printing off articles about breast cancer and making her listen to you reading them, or even talking to your own doctor about the hypothetical situation - doctors are bound by rules of confidentiality so they would not be able to tell anyone what you have discussed with them.

Above all follow your heart



By Hope 13 Nov 2007 -

the situation is getting worst and worst... she agreed to go and get diagnosed if i date her best friend, the problem that just reached me was that is that in june 2008 she will turn 18 so if i told her parents after that they could do nothing and she's leaving the city to go to university so... i go out with her friend and ill loose all connection with her but then i guess i could tell her parents when she is defiantly diagnosed.

aswell according to her she told me this randomly and she cant believe that im reacting like this

i still have strong feelings for her but nothing for her friend



By Azaz'el 16 Nov 2007 -

I'm not sure that it's possible to tell you news like this radomly Hope, there has to have been some thought and preparation in it. I think she's possibly wanting help, even if that is just someone to share the burdon and the pain of uncertainty.

Have you made any decisions as to what you're going to do?

Az



By Hope 17 Nov 2007 -

i've decided to leave her in peace... from talking to friends i've found out she has many other problems and my pressure adds unnecessarily to it... ill hope that it turns out for the better and try to get close to her again so i can do more



By Ishtahar 17 Nov 2007 -

That sounds very sensible Hope. I have to be honest in that the more I hear the less I believe she has a physical problem and the more I believe she has mental health issues.
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