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 ARCHIVE: Humor me here... >:3

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PostSubject: ARCHIVE: Humor me here... >:3   Mon Mar 21, 2011 1:59 pm

By Razi'el 2 May 2009 -

alright, i've come accross this thing called Erelin's List, and, subsequently, Skippy's List. but with all the otherkin humor on Erelin's list, i didn't notice much demon, angel, or humor pretaining to more of the rare types of otherkin. so, i say we rectify this!

here are links to the said lists!

Erelin's List--> http://www.otherkin.net/harmonyDiscord/hum...relinslist.html

Skippy's List--> http://skippyslist.com/list/

so, just throw anything out there! it's meant to be funny, so any play on names or words that occurs don't mean anything. i have a few, and again, if they somehow apply to you, it's unintentional, and only meant in the interests of humour! (some of mine also refer to stereotypes surrounding said kin, and seeing as i remember very little about the shadow or life among them, consider it taking a jab at misinformation. and feel free to correct me if i get anything wrong! happy.gif)

also, my sense of humor is very twisted, so bear with me~<3

1. the haloes are not frisbees
2. incoming nuns are NOT a good reason to scramble.
3. i am not to play flight of the valkyries in the event of incoming nuns.
4. nor am i allowed to feign masturbation or sex when greeting them.
5. the proper way to greet the newly departed is not "you just lost the game."
6. nor is pointing and laughing.
7. i am not allowed to dismantle any harps for gurotte wire, no matter how many jehova's witnesses i see.
8. sniffing someone butt in greeting is not acceptable, even if you were a canid in a past life.
9. Azra'el is not a goth
10. nor is he emo
11. i am not allowed to call any burn victims "crispy"
12. tie-dying your wings is not appropriate
13. i am not allowed to tell new recruits that the number of wings is equal to how many times you've been laid
14. Jubril is NOT the village bicycle
15. farting the ode to joy is not funny.... *snort*
16. nor is belching the hallelujah chorus
17. not allowed to make bathroom jokes about Uri'el
18. the Metatron does not have a part time job at Hogwarts
19. being in a choir does not entitle me to organize a capella performances
20. the newly departed do not need to choose between the red pill and the blue pill
21. phallic cloud art is not an acceptable passtime
22. nor is taunting the sensitives on earth



By Azaz'el 3 May 2009 -

Personally I think this is soooooooo funny, it's had me laughing. As far as I'm concerned you can post as many as you like, as there is a strong temptation to be very serious and deeping thinking all the time when in fact, there is much about life that is funny.

Number 20 made me laugh very loudly! But all of the others did make me laugh.... we need more of these!

Az

biggrin.gif



By Ishtahar 6 May 2009 -

Oh Gods I loved it

Go tie dying wings, playing frisbee with halos and dismantling the harps to garotte Jehova Witnesses.

Oh and..... I just lost the game. smile.gif

Ish



By Razi'el 6 May 2009 -

heheh, well, anyone! feel free to add and post more! as wacky and zany as you like, be it making fun of stereotypes or names (just play on words, not meant for personal slights).



By Razi'el 10 Jul 2009 -

additions!

23. Bathroom jokes about Uri'el are unappreciated.
24. "i'm your fairy godparent!" is not a proper introduction.
25. i am not allowed to possess sensitives on earth.
26. Especially not aloud to cause sensitives to burst out into random showtunes.
27. ESPECIALLY not allowed to cause sensitives to burst out into renditions of Thriller.
28. i am not allowed to pop out of cereal boxes as a form of introduction.
29. heavenly hosts play trumpets, not butt trumpets.
30. i am not allowed to set priests on fire, no matter how hypocritical they get.
31. nor am i aloud to make them shout out "i have candy in my pants".
32. voice overs are not appropriate during sermons.
33. nor is causing the priest to begin speaking in Klingon.
34. Or Tolkien elvish.
35. human beings are not "my obedient little pawns, mwahahahahah"

(feel free to add more!~<3)



By Azaz'el 10 Jul 2009 -

This is all highly disrespectful and no doubt will come back to haunt me one day....

36. Saying "I don't believe in faeries" will not kill any of the troops, but may offend three quarters of the Grigori.
37. The elven warriors are not all named Legolas.
38. I must not stand at the Gateways with a mage staff and shout "YOU CANNOT PASS!"
39. I am not qualified to administer iron supplements.
40. Iron supplements are taken orally, not rectally or via a sword.
41. Not allowed to abduct civilian children and replace them with cheap copies.
42. Social services does not handle changelings.
43. "We're off to see the wizard" is not a cadence request to talk to the Source.
44. Seraphim are not allowed to skip in formation.
45. Or allowed to order the troops to skip in formation.
46. Or allowed to spread pixie dust.
47. The Commanders of Ten are not allowed to order the merfolk to march three miles.
48. Nor are they allowed to bring a siren to the karaoke bar.
49. No one is allowed to throw a grenade past any therian unit and shout "fetch!"
50. "Do virgins taste better than those who are not" is not a cadence for dragon units.
51. No trainee exercise will begin with "and a five, six, seven, eight..."
52. Not allowed to tell the field medics to start clapping when there is a casualty.
53. The sidhe wearing cammo paint are not dark elves.
54. No Arch Angel is allowed to ask the new recruits to choose between the red pill or the blue pill.
55. At all times remember that the chain of command is not a toy.

cool.gif

Az



By Dreamsend 11 Jul 2009 -

32. voice overs are not appropriate during sermons

made me laugh out loud. Hah. Much of the list does and this especially.

Love it XD

edited to add: I thought of some, also based on true events I have heard about or seen first-hand:

56. Not allowed to get all of the empaths in the room high.
57. Or excessively inebriated.
58. Not allowed to set up a fake deer and tell the Therian "Deer!"
59. At least not without some real meat, somewhere.
60. Unless I'm ready to run for it.
61. Not allowed to tell the vampyre that he has a shiny sparklyness.
62. Or tell him he has anything in common with a "Twilight" character.
63. It is not nice to send "This is a test... of the Emergency Broadcast System. This is only a test. If this were a real emergency, instructions would follow." into other people's heads.
64. I'm not allowed to try to coax the spirits sitting around a building into starting a revolution on the humans.



By Scratch 11 Jul 2009 -

65. Frisbees are not halos, either.
66. Lucifer is not allowed to herald his arrival with "Sympathy for the Devil."
67. Especially not the Guns N'Roses cover.
68. All angels and other celestial beings are forbidden from rocking out on air guitar during any portion of "Stairway to Heaven."
69. Faerie do not make good replacements for badminton birdies.
70. Lighting the bong is not appropriate use of a flaming sword.
71. Sticking chicken feathers in an arch angel's wings while they're asleep is not funny.
72. Neither is putting coal in a demon's Christmas stocking.
73. And always remember, just because you can fly doesn't mean you're allowed to act like a bird. Even on taxis.



By Razi'el 12 Jul 2009 -

Scratch!! oh gods!! HAHAHAHAH!! my spleen!! damn you! *falls over laughing*


74. Singing "if i only had a heart" in front of the demons is not funny.
75. i am not allowed to ask for reservations at the gates.
76. "assume the position" is not a proper greeting either.
77. i am not allowed to alter signs to read "in case of emergency, panic".
78. doing so is not a proper way to get recruits.
79. or tourists.
80. or a christmas bonus.
81. fact: not only do vampires NOT sparkle, they hate it when you try to test that theory.
82. milk bones are NOT used to bribe therians.
83. nor are squeaky toys.
84. Smacking Metatron is not a good way to let him know he's wrong.
85. nor is laughing at him.
86. do not strip tease the incubi, no matter how much they ask for it.
87. Bite Me signs are not appropriate to place on Vamps.
88. no amount of "higher calling" will save me from jury duty.
89. "It's Getting Hot In Here" is not an appropriate cadence in the Nine Hells.
90. when asked by humans, "what is the meaning of life?" i am under NO circumstances to answer "42, dum dum."
91. when greeting people, interspersing sentences with random mad cackling is not funny.



By Scratch 12 Jul 2009 -

Trade you a spleen for the kidney I think I ruptured, Raz!

92. "Abandon all hope ye who enter here!" is an appropriate greeting for new souls in Hell. Not "Did you bring hot dogs?"
93. Heaven is not a BYOB event.
94. Nor does it have a "Ladies Night."
95. Metatron does not appreciate imitations of microphone feedback while he's speaking.
96. Use of iPods and other electronic devices are prohibited during anthems of the heavenly host.
97. Telling vampires "You suck!" is not only redundant, but uncalled for.
98. A dragon sleeping with his mouth open is not a good place for a barbeque.
99. "Make a joyful noise" isn't that open to interpretation.



By Razi'el 12 Jul 2009 -

100. there is no hymn that requires a liberal bassline.
101. or a Mosh Pit.
102. i am not to cause any human choir to start belching carol of the bells.
103. i should not ask Walk-ins if they charge rent.
104. or if they give a family discount.
105. i am not to refer to any Shapeshifter as "Darwin's Grab-Bag"
106. they will also not appreciate my asking what exactly Darwin grabbed.
107. i am not to offer Sushi to the merfolk.
108. "i'm a lumberjack and i'm okay" is not a cadence for treants.
109. i am not allowed to order the Naga to tap dance.
110. not all Lion Therians are named Simba.
111. nor do they have "daddy issues".
112. if i do ask, "how's your dad, Simba?", i will not be surprised if i am soon missing a trachea.
113. faerie are not "glowsticks waiting to happen".

have at thee!!! XD



By Laeus 12 Jul 2009 -

114.dressing up the cheribum in diapers is inappropriate
115.as is asking them to shoot a therian and a vampyre
116.if you yourself are cheribum it is innapropriate to imporsonate cupid.
117.never wash demons red underwear and the angels white robes together.
118.no roasting marshmellows over the grigori's flaming skin
119.and also no proceding to call them "hot" and snickering to yourself
120.No straightening the archangels wavey locks while they sleep
121.no perming thier wavey locks
122.no dieing them strange colours
123.no comparing wing-size with younger recruits
124. always remember the size doesn't matter.
125 No claiming your cornflakes to be holy by calling it Cere'el
126. no feeding the angels your " holy" cereal
127. no spying on the nymphs bathing
128. no taking picturesof nymphs bathing
129. no trying to sell said pictures to satyrs
130. no drugging satyrs with viagra
131.or the demons
132.or the therians
133.no bottling fae to use as lamps
134.no snorting pixie dust
134.no telling one fae that you think another is prettier
135.no asking nephylim what thier father was like
136.or reminiscing with them your childhood memories



By Ishtahar 12 Jul 2009 -

STOP STOP I need to breathe now.... I am literally crying guys.... this is THE BEST!!



By Scratch 3 Sep 2009 -

Thought of some more, and I wanted to resurrect this thread:

137. If angels are not allowed to imbibe alcohol, demons shouldn't either. Especially in front of angels.
138. It's poor taste to tell one of the fallen to "go to hell."
139. Metatron is getting very tired of angelic requests to speak with "Charlie."
140. Enough with the pitchfork jokes, already!
141. Vehicles parked in front of the heavenly gates will be towed at owner's expense.



By Eidolon 9 Sep 2009 -

seriously I am tearing up here. My sides hurt so bad lol.



By Scratch 9 Sep 2009 -

::evil grin:: The first one of this batch was actually a co-worker's reply when I shared some of these. I almost fell over when he said it.

142. Do NOT point out will o'the wisps to the newly departed as "the light at the end of the tunnel"!
143. Nor may you suggest "the bulb burned out."
144. Or that they open up in back so you can change the batteries.
145. Stop asking the boatman on the river Styx if he plays the concertina.
146. Or hair metal.
147. It is absolutely forbidden to invite anyone for dinner at Manticore's house. That includes your mother-in-law, boss, AND that jerk from the tv ad



By Eidolon 10 Sep 2009 -

148. Just because they are fairies or Fey does not make them targets for homophobic entities.
149. Referring to fairies as being of the homosexual persuasion is improper and uncalled for.
150. If a fairy tells you to "assume the position" this does not mean bend over.
151. It is impolite to offer beer cans in hell that do not have bottle caps or pull tabs.
152. In the event hell does freeze over please note that the ice will burn just as badly as any fire did.
153. If a portion of hell freezes over do not send the fire imps in because they will perish.
154. It is not nice to let "smiling bob" undress in front of the incubi or succubi.
155. Yelling fresh meat is not a polite thing to yell at a fairy convention.
156. No touching yourself with water and allowing the steam to rise while saying "damn I am hot"
157. Please note that the sado-masochistic people are not to be placed in with hells general population. There is a room fully of pretty pink dresses and other fluffy outfits made just for them.
158. Additionally their rooms are padded and so are they so that they cannot hurt themselves or others.
159. Licking your lips and putting your finger in your mouth is dangerous to do in front of succubi or incubi.
160. Using a sleeping dragon to spot weld your armor is inappropriate.
161. So is using said dragon to roast marshmallows. Unless you make sure you drop some chocolate and graham crackers in their to so that they can get their sugar rush.



By Razi'el 10 Sep 2009 -

162. "Swing low, sweet chariot" is not the right way to call for a taxi.
163. i am not allowed to sell Pixie dust to any addicts in hell.
164. nor am i allowed to sell the pixies.
165. NOR am i allowed to snort it myself and then spontaneously combust for dramatic effect.
166. telling the imps they have short tempers is uncalled for.
167. Poking the imps will not make them explode or pop like baloons.
168. poking the imps will most likely get me set on fire.
169. a "no swimming" sign at the lake of fire is redundant.
170. taunting the souls in hell with ice water is not nice.
171. asking the demons or devils if they're horny will most likely get me set on fire.



By Scratch 11 Sep 2009 -

You guys are great!

172. It's improper to tell unicorns they look horny. There's a reason only virgins can touch them.
173. Likewise, don't ask to ride them, in any context.
174. And if you try playing leapfrog with one, don't come crying to me.
175. Please don't send valentines to the Seraphim.
176. Or sign them up for dating services.
177. Don't ask Gabriel to blow anything but his trumpet.
178. Jehoel does not take requests.
179. Leviathan would NOT make a good Sea World exhibit.
180. No singing "If I Only Had a Brain" to the zombies. They won't get it.
181. Pixies are not "dust-heads."
182. Intangibles do not appreciate comments that they aren't "all there."
183. Don't try giving the ghosts noogies.
184. Or ask them to hand you anything. It just depresses them.
185. Make farting noises as Michael commands his troops, only at your own extreme peril.



By Ouza 11 Sep 2009 -

QUOTE
"185. Make farting noises as Michael commands his troops, only at your own extreme peril."


It' already been done and I still have not been forgiven nor will this whole affair ever just go casually away! Or at least that's according to Micah !!! I've been given only a wing and a prayer to live on, so to speak!

Ouza blink.gif



By Ouza 22 Sep 2009 -

Monsieur und Madam, your order please....

1. WHEN NO ONE UNDERSTANDS YOU, CHOCOLATE IS THERE.

2. SEVEN DAYS WITHOUT CHOCOLATE MAKES ONE WEAK.

3. I AM NOT OVERWEIGHT. I AM CHOCOLATE-ENRICHED.

4. EINSTEIN WAS EATING CHOCOLATE WHEN HE CAME UPON THE THEORY OF RELATIVITY.

5. THE 12-STEP CHOCOHOLICS PROGRAM: NEVER BE MORE THAN 12 STEPS AWAY FROM CHOCOLATE!

6. LIFE WITHOUT CHOCOLATE IS NO LIFE AT ALL.

7. I WANT IT ALL!!! AND I WANT IT SMOTHERED IN WHIPPED CREAM AND CHOCOLATE.

8. CHOCOLATE IS CHEAPER THAN THERAPY, AND YOU DON'T NEED AN APPOINTMENT.

9. THERE IS NOTHING BETTER THAN A GOOD FRIEND, EXCEPT A GOOD FRIEND WITH CHOCOLATE.

10. CHOCOLATE DOESN'T MAKE THE WORLD GO AROUND. BUT IT CERTAINLY MAKES THE TRIP WORTHWHILE.

11. AND ON THE EIGHTH DAY GOD CREATED CHOCOLATE.

12. IN HEAVEN, CHOCOLATE HAS NO CALORIES AND IS SERVED AS THE MAIN COURSE.

13. THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE ARE CHOCOLATE.

14. Q. HOW MANY CALORIES ARE THERE IN A PIECE OF CHOCOLATE?
A. WHO CARES?

15. SO MUCH CHOCOLATE. SO LITTLE TIME!

16. IF THERE IS NO CHOCOLATE IN HEAVEN, I'M NOT GOING!

17. I ONLY EAT CHOCOLATE FOR YOU, SO THERE WILL BE MORE OF ME TO LOVE.

18. DO NOT DISTURB: CHOCOLATE FANTASY IN PROGRESS.

19. THE BEST OVER-THE-COUNTER PRESCRIPTION TO PERK YOU UP IS CHOCOLATE.

20. DON'T SEND ME ROSES, UNLESS THEY ARE CHOCOLATE! wub.gif



By Ouza 25 Sep 2009 -

ROMANCE: THE FIRST KISS!!!

Describe your first Kiss.
A. It was a chocolate Kiss. (I was only five years old for Pete's sake!)

Oz wub.gif



By Ouza 28 Sep 2009 -

"Las cosas claras y el chocolate espeso." (Ideas should be clear and chocolate thick.) Spanish proverb


Ouza wub.gif

p.s. Have a Beautiful Day!!!



By Ouza 9 Oct 2009 -

Chocolate Wisdom

Good Living
is an act of intelligence,
by which we choose things
which have an agreeable taste
rather than those which do not.
Brillat-Savarin

The 12-step chocoholics program:
NEVER BE MORE THAN 12 STEPS AWAY FROM CHOCOLATE!
Terry Moore

Strength is the capacity to break a chocolate bar into four pieces with your bare hands - and then eat just one of the pieces Judith Viorst

Giving chocolate to others is an intimate form of communication, a sharing of deep, dark secrets Milton Zelman, publisher of "Chocolate News"

A chocolate in the mouth is worth two on the plate.

If it ain't chocolate, it ain't breakfast!

There's nothing better than a good friend, except a good friend with CHOCOLATE
Linda Grayson, "The Pickwick Papers"

"Liquidum non frangit jejunum." ([chocolate] liquids, amongst them, do not constitute a break in fasting.)
Cardinal Francis Maria Brancaccio of the Vatican, 1662

Chocolate: Here today .... Gone today!

Chocolate causes certain endocrine glands to secrete hormones that affect your feelings and behavior by making you happy. Therefore, it counteracts depression, in turn reducing the stress of depression. Your stress-free life helps you maintain a youthful disposition, both physically and mentally. So, eat lots of chocolate! Elaine Sherman, Book of Divine Indulgences

Forget love-- I'd rather fall in chocolate!!!

I never met a chocolate I didn't like. Deanna Troi in Star Trek: The Next Generation

Nobody knows the truffles I've seen!

Caramels are only a fad. Chocolate is a permanent thing Milton Snavely Hershey

A true chocolate lover finds ways to accommodate his passion and make it work with his lifestyle. One key, not just to keeping weight down and staying guilt-free, but also to keeping taste buds sharp (essential for the professionals who evaluate new products as well as judge recipes), Is being discriminating. Julie Davis of the Los Angeles Times, 10/30/85

Seen recently on a tee shirt ~ EMERGENCY ALERT: If wearer of this shirt is found vacant, listless, or depressed, ADMINISTER CHOCOLATE IMMEDIATELY.

This guy found a bottle on the ocean, and he opened it and out popped a genie, and he gave him three wishes. The guy wished for a million dollars, and poof! there was a million dollars. Then he wished for a convertible, and poof! there was a convertible. And then, he wished he could be irresistible to all women... poof! he turned into a box of chocolates.

It's not that chocolates are a substitute for love. Love is a substitute for chocolate. Chocolate is, let's face it, far more reliable than a man. Miranda Ingram

All I really need is love, but a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt! Lucy Van Pelt (in Peanuts, by Charles M. Schulz)

Always

Ouza wub.gif
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