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 Memories, mild and nice

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Ashtart

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PostSubject: Memories, mild and nice   Tue Apr 05, 2011 10:55 am

I was reflecting on something, and as I was thinking I saw myself sort of following a group of Shadow around in a wooded area. This is something that I see a lot in the past few months when I think about you all, and one of the ways that I was able to come to a conclusion about my name, or at least how you called me.

I remember wearing some sort of dress, and having my hair pulled back... being "not human"... always following Shadow around as we walked among the trees. I was almost as tall as you, but smaller. The sun was usually out, the leaves were very green, I was always looking down at my sandalled feet , so my toes always felt the green grass on the forest floor tickling, to pick my way through. I have the feeling that I used to trip over things a lot - stones, fallen branches, roots poking out of the ground, holes, lol... I could go on and on. I have the feeling of seeing others' backs a lot of the time and that you all walked confidently, knowing the land and sure of where your feet would fall... a huge difference lol

I remember sometimes we would stop, but often we would walk. I remember Az and Scratch and Raz and Sam being there, and maybe 8 more whose faces I can't quite catch most of the time, except maybe a smile here and there, and a greeting with an upturned hand as we arrive back to a clearing where they had been sitting, waiting. I remember Raz and Sam being pretty close. I remember the whole troupe was more or less close, like you had all fought in many battles together, spent much time working together, as a unit, and you were all relieved for moreorless carefree, gentle days where you didn't have to overexert yourselves much. I don't remember knowing what your work was exactly, but I also have the feeling that even if you had explained it to me, many times, I would have stared blankly and been lost. LOL...

I remember feeling "very old" in my soul, but being "very young" in my mind maybe as in, being extremely innocent even for my appearance - I'd say I looked about mid-twenties, but acted early adolescent - and not knowing about the world or how the world worked. And I remember others treating me as "younger" and pointing out objects and telling me about them and their properties, or explaining how the sky works, and about magic and energy, and chiding me sometimes for being too slow or doing things clumsily, but always being goodnatured and good hearted. Almost like everyone saw me like a "cute little sister" type .... I have the feeling of people, the Shadow I spent all these days with... not quite "ruffling my hair" but whatever the equivalent was... I want to say something like "cupping a hand around the back of my neck, at the nape" and that that was only a motion that older people did to younger people. I have the feeling of always looking up to these people around me, feeling very awed and that I had a lot to learn to be more like them, more knowledgeable...

I wonder where we where going all the time or what we were doing in that clearing .... did we ever go anywhere else? .... I wonder if that was just a few days that I remember or many moons, and whether the Sidhe had left me among you, or if you had found me or I started following you on my own, or what.

As I write about it, I remember that sometimes I did "know" what I was doing... there would be times that I would fall to my knees in the dirt and grass and push my hands into the dirt and feel something like a glowing star reverberating in my heart and come out of me and shine.... I was doing Earth magic, maybe. I feel like this was all very independent... there would be times I would just wander away, but no one would worry because everyone "knew what I was" and that there would be times when I would have to go off on my own to do workings in the forest... I remember mostly being in trance these sorts of times, and then coming back and being a little foggy in the mind, and everyone would cheerfully try to get me reoriented to my surroundings and to who they where and where I was. I remember one time that I came back, picking my way through the woods and it was twilight or nearly night and a small fire was going, and when I came into the clearing, squinting, many came up, squeezed me on the arm or patted me on the back, helped me into a seat and got back to what they were doing before I had come back, playing "card" games (not cards like we have... I saw something that was like cards though with colorful pictures on them), drinking some red liquid out of goblets and gossiping about the events in the world, laughing loudly, singing, and playing other sorts of games, some doing serious things like reading or having quiet talks with a friend, or just sitting like I would do at that point and taking it all in. Sometimes one or two people would play something that looked like a lute... and not terribly well, ahahaha... but well enough to sing along and clap hands and maybe dance to.... I remember the "lute" players also had terrible singing voices but were very confident in their skills, even when we would mock them and tell them (all goodnaturedly, always) that they stunk. hahaha

I was just wondering about when we would be walking, and I would be looking at your backs.. the feel and sight of sunshine and the feel of green grass on my toes is so vivid, and I can almost smell the slightly sweet, woody aroma of the forest... if I ever saw wings. That was weird... because I distinctly remember wings, but I don't remember ever seeing them. I stared at this image in my memory for a good few minutes and then realized that you were all wearing sort of brocaded white coats with "large rounded shoulders, densely packed" under the coats, so that your shoulders and backs always looked solid and broad. I think, maybe, that you wore your coats over your wings... I thought about maybe if your wings were mostly "spiritual energy", not solid and "physical", or maybe if I was mistaking something else for wings, but no, I distinctly remember very physical feathered wings.... I just never saw them when we were walking about. I think maybe you took your coats off when we got back to the clearing.... maybe coats made it easier for you to walk around in a forest. LOL...

Ash
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PostSubject: Re: Memories, mild and nice   Wed Apr 06, 2011 10:18 pm

Wow, they sounds like very intense and very beautiful memories. It makes me wonder if those were the days before we were called to leave the green and pleasant lands and head to the City... the time when we spent many years in the lands that I now currently live in.

Such carefree days, filled with happiness.... but also a time when there was something missing in all of our lives......... and that was love.

Az

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Ashtart

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PostSubject: Re: Memories, mild and nice   Thu Apr 07, 2011 1:32 am

::nodnods::

I did get the thought when i was writing about the trees that "no forest like this exists anywhere but Britain." I had the thought that if I traveled over to where you are now I would be able to see some of those sorts of woods.... which would be nice. For some reason I really miss that forested place.

Ash
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PostSubject: Re: Memories, mild and nice   Thu Apr 07, 2011 6:59 am

wow... you know, reading through that, i got the distinct impression that i had been there, though not very clearly, it's like a half remembered dream, but a very pleasant one. it does sound very beautiful, and i want to say somewhere around Scotland/Wales. the cardgames i can remember, and i can remember chatting with Sam in one of those clearings, with him saying something slightly chiding, with a brotherly manner like you mentioned... like "Do you think she got lost?"

i just laughed at that and said "Not likely." but the memory is very beautiful, and i very, very sincerely thank you for sharing that... it has me sort of excited now! it's been ages since i got a new memory, much less one that's of Raz but not from the City.

Here's hoping we hear more, and hoping i can find Sam in this life. knowing him, he;s down here and living it up the only way he knows how! Very Happy

Raz
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PostSubject: Re: Memories, mild and nice   Thu Apr 07, 2011 12:32 pm

You're very welcome. I'm happy to know that you were touched by this short remembrance and hope for more gentle remembrances of our times together.

And of course, please share what you may remember too... it was funny to read that comment of the two of you together, and nice to read that you remember those cards.

I would very much like to go to Scotland, for no particular reason, I'm not even familiar with the culture but know Irish, English and Welsh cultures a bit better... all the same I feel like "Scotland, go to Scotland, go to Scotland." So... I wonder...

Ash
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PostSubject: Re: Memories, mild and nice   Thu Apr 07, 2011 5:49 pm

Mmm! I've always wanted to see Scotland too. England was like "Yes!! This place is awesome!" while I was there, just from the oldness of things and the energies, but Scotland sounds right to me here. Kind of islands in general. I always had a sense I would be (or was) happy on islands...

I loved the part about sitting around and doing rotten sing-alongs, and keep trying to remember what it was we were drinking. It's hard to remember that camaraderie sometimes, and I'd like more recollections of that. The crucial events are important, but it's equally important to remember what we meant to one another, and that we had quieter moments that were simply fun and enjoyment. I keep getting glimpses of walking rolling, windy hills, with grass and wildflowers, which may have been around this time as well. I like the woods better, though.
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PostSubject: Re: Memories, mild and nice   Fri Apr 08, 2011 4:15 am

Quote :
It's hard to remember that camaraderie sometimes, and I'd like more recollections of that. The crucial events are important, but it's equally important to remember what we meant to one another, and that we had quieter moments that were simply fun and enjoyment.

Absolutely


Quote :
I keep getting glimpses of walking rolling, windy hills, with grass and wildflowers, which may have been around this time as well.

I'd certainly like to hear more about this =)

Ash
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PostSubject: Re: Memories, mild and nice   Sun Apr 10, 2011 2:39 am

I'd also like to know what you know of me, if you can remember.

Ash
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PostSubject: Re: Memories, mild and nice   Sun Apr 10, 2011 3:42 am

well... what i think i've been seeing of you, is a woman, about maybe 5'10", auburn/copper haired, with somewhat curly/wavy tresses... wearing a white, gauzy gown. that's the closest i can get
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PostSubject: Re: Memories, mild and nice   Sun Apr 10, 2011 4:27 am

Thanks =). I don't know for sure, it feels like that is touching on something though. ><

Ash
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PostSubject: Re: Memories, mild and nice   Tue Sep 11, 2012 2:24 pm

I'm trying to think of a topic for my next article and read this thread over again. As I started to read it I could feel again the grass and the sunlight... and then I/she turned and looked at me, and put her hand on the side of my face and embraced me. She/I had a blue oblong jewel embedded in between her eyebrows and sad, kind eyes. She just pulled me into a hug and said "You have to wake up."

I'm starting to realize that when I reread these memories they ....

seem almost more real than this reality. More vivid.

I know that this is out there, but I keep having the movie "Waking Life" come up... and the way that it's explained to me (I really did not get it) was that it's about a man who's either dreaming or perhaps dead, and he just is having a really long dream that seems to be real life. I think that this is the truth that I keep avoiding. The one thing that I don't want to acknowledge. I have to wake up. But I don't know how.
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PostSubject: Re: Memories, mild and nice   Tue Sep 11, 2012 2:27 pm

"You are already dead," they used to say to me like 5 years ago...
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PostSubject: Re: Memories, mild and nice   Tue Sep 11, 2012 2:57 pm

i'm not sure if that's true... it's entirely possible, certainly, i'm just not sure what to think either. there have been many things said to me over the past little while, and whether we're dreaming, or even dead comes to mind as being very important.... it's just very hard to tell!
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PostSubject: Re: Memories, mild and nice   Tue Sep 11, 2012 3:01 pm

And there's this other thing that's coming to mind (she says as I look at other threads, "return your focus to this time, to this place") like a blind panic, like if I "woke up" I would return to this time and I "can't" because I "can't bear to lose you all again." I don't know... like... maybe we're here to prevent something else from happening... but what.
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PostSubject: Re: Memories, mild and nice   Tue Sep 11, 2012 3:04 pm

interestingly enough, i had a visit from Grandfather last week. this guy has never steered me wrong, 's kind of causing conflict with me. he said that if i do as i thought i was supposed to, and do the whole Destroyer thing, then it wouldn't just be humanity i would hurt; i would be damaging the planet itself. everything needs to be in balance for the planet to survive; so if we decimate one part, the rest will follow.
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PostSubject: Re: Memories, mild and nice   Tue Sep 11, 2012 3:09 pm

I was wondering how you've been doing recently. ...Who's Grandfather now?
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PostSubject: Re: Memories, mild and nice   Tue Sep 11, 2012 3:11 pm

ah, sorry, i thought i had posted about him. he's this sort of native american shaman/medicine man who first started to awaken me to my spiritual powers and my totems; he never appears in person, always through dreams or visions, which makes me feel like he's either a spirit guide, a powerful entity fo some kind, or something else. and i've been doing okay, trying to understand the darker parts of me, like you told me ;P
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PostSubject: Re: Memories, mild and nice   Tue Sep 11, 2012 3:18 pm

I see. And good, glad to hear Smile

Quote :
if i do as i thought i was supposed to, and do the whole Destroyer thing, then it wouldn't just be humanity i would hurt; i would be damaging the planet itself. everything needs to be in balance for the planet to survive

So... what does that mean? Did he say "don't do what you feel you're supposed to?" or did he just say "here's what will occur"? Not to say that I think that the planet should be destroyed. o_o that's scary. However things are not always what they appear to be on the surface. I think you mentioned to me once that if I were to destroy something, perhaps it was something that should be destroyed. Think about it...
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PostSubject: Re: Memories, mild and nice   Tue Sep 11, 2012 3:20 pm

I guess what I'm getting at is that I don't think that this reality is real, and something has to "disrupt" it. I'm not sure that if you were to do something it would necessarily be successful.. but perhaps it would start something important to disrupt the lie
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PostSubject: Re: Memories, mild and nice   Tue Sep 11, 2012 3:31 pm

heh, fair enough. i'm just trying to consider all possibilities here... and you're right, there's a good chance we're supposed to do this. i think the message was just to be careful about what we do, as we could have a long lasting effect on this planet (and i do not want to ruin the entire planet, though he pretty much said it's impossible to only destroy one specific thing without the rest being affected.)
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PostSubject: Re: Memories, mild and nice   Tue Sep 11, 2012 6:34 pm

Reading this... It made me almost cry...

I can almost see those woods again in my mind. The thickness of the trees and the overlying canopy, the deep, healthy green of their leaves; I can practically see it now... I can remember that at some point, I discovered you and started to hide from you all and observe, not in fear, but as a game of sorts.

I would watch you all have fun and perhaps toss a small pebble in JUST THE RIGHT WAY at a pile of leaves or the brush, and it would make this noise that sounded like a mouse or some other small animal quickly scuttling through those leaves or the ground—sounded NOTHING like a pebble hitting anything—just to have my fun with you all. And then one of you, I would think it was Ash, would get spooked and ask what the noise was, and then someone else would nonchalantly reply that it was "just something scampering about" or something like that and then would tease her, asking if she was "scared of a little mouse"

I can even remember making these bird calls, just to mess with you all too. Out of this planet's Keepers, I was the mischievous one. So anyway, I would even bug you guys with the bird calls too every so often, making them loudly and at certain points when you were speaking, or even when you were playing your music.

But... one of you found me one day, and instead of feeling guilty, I just broke out into an uncontrollable fit of laughter. Everyone managed to put two and two together and then most of you looked pissed as ALL hell, though some others were impressed that I had managed to keep up what I had been doing for so long. Someone asked me "Why have you been bothering us?!" It feels to me like it MIGHT'VE been Raz who asked, but whoever it was regardless was pretty annoyed.

And with a chuckle and a lighthearted smile, I replied, "I was just having my fun." and then I apologized for the trouble I caused; I really meant no harm.

Then I was about to leave, before you asked me to wait, Ash... Most everyone was either pissed or mildly impressed, but I remember seeing this childlike curiosity and awe in your eyes. You asked—after hesitating, you were so awestricken—for me to "please teach me to do those things."

I was more than well-acquainted with the expansive woods... I was practically a part of them; I knew its ways, and I could even imitate some of its ways artificially, like using my voice to sound like a bird or using a simple pebble to imitate the quick, scampering footsteps of a small, timid rodent or other similar animal. And even my footsteps—like those of the others—were sure and confident, always knowing where to land.

In any case, I told you that I would teach you, but to be prepared to open your heart and soul to nature. You looked at me with this confused expression, and I just chuckled and said, "You shall learn." before turning again and walking away.

But you shouted, "Will you come back?!"

"I'll find you!" I shouted in reply. And though I can't really remember much more than that, I know that I kept true to that promise...

And... that's all I can really remember explicitly. I'm not sure if this will ring true to any of you, but it's just what I remember. =)

~Melari
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PostSubject: Re: Memories, mild and nice   Tue Sep 11, 2012 6:58 pm

Ashtart wrote:
I'm trying to think of a topic for my next article and read this thread over again. As I started to read it I could feel again the grass and the sunlight... and then I/she turned and looked at me, and put her hand on the side of my face and embraced me. She/I had a blue oblong jewel embedded in between her eyebrows and sad, kind eyes. She just pulled me into a hug and said "You have to wake up."

I'm starting to realize that when I reread these memories they ....

seem almost more real than this reality. More vivid.

I know that this is out there, but I keep having the movie "Waking Life" come up... and the way that it's explained to me (I really did not get it) was that it's about a man who's either dreaming or perhaps dead, and he just is having a really long dream that seems to be real life. I think that this is the truth that I keep avoiding. The one thing that I don't want to acknowledge. I have to wake up. But I don't know how.

In addition to my previous post... I found this particular post of yours interesting, Ash... Sometimes I wonder if our lives in this reality are just a collective dream (thus making this a fabricated reality), and "dying" in this reality just means that you literally woke up from the dream and began living in the true reality again...

I can't help but wonder now if this is true...

If it is... then it begs the question: "Why are we asleep in the first place?"

~Melari
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PostSubject: Re: Memories, mild and nice   Wed Sep 12, 2012 2:14 am

To be honest I think I remember hanging out with this group of Shadows but that I wasn't always there, that there was a place I returned to. It feels almost like I had duties that I needed to return to but the where I don't remember.
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PostSubject: Re: Memories, mild and nice   Wed Sep 12, 2012 12:38 pm

Melari, that's great! It's good to know that you can connect in to this somehow. What is the reason that you were following us?

Melari wrote:
Sometimes I wonder if our lives in this reality are just a collective dream (thus making this a fabricated reality), and "dying" in this reality just means that you literally woke up from the dream and began living in the true reality again...

I can't help but wonder now if this is true...

If it is... then it begs the question: "Why are we asleep in the first place?"

I don't know, but I do feel a blind panic around it, like the reality I left was terrible when I left it and somehow this seemed like a welcome break from it. It's that feeling like being emotionally overwhelmed and just shutting down. Somehow I feel as if everyone I knew was lost to me, or maybe I was lost to them, and the alternative to this world will make them "real" again, but in doing also make the pain real. I know that's really out there, but it's what I'm feeling vaguely. It could mean anything...

Uzziel wrote:
To be honest I think I remember hanging out with this group of Shadows but that I wasn't always there, that there was a place I returned to. It feels almost like I had duties that I needed to return to but the where I don't remember.

Wow Uzziel, that's great that you feel that you can connect into this too Smile
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PostSubject: Re: Memories, mild and nice   Thu Sep 13, 2012 7:08 am

@Ash

Well, I was curious at first, which is why I didn't start messing around right away. I simply observed for a while... And after that while, I had decided to mess with you all, just to have my fun. Like I said, I had meant no harm, but a lot of the group was still pretty pissed nonetheless once I was found out! ^^"

~Melari
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