HomeHome  CalendarCalendar  FAQFAQ  SearchSearch  MemberlistMemberlist  UsergroupsUsergroups  RegisterRegister  Log inLog in  

Share | 
 

 In Hell

View previous topic View next topic Go down 
AuthorMessage
Scratch

avatar

Posts : 670
Join date : 2010-02-20
Age : 36
Location : Hawai'i, Oceania

PostSubject: In Hell   Tue Apr 19, 2011 10:03 pm

During our most recent chat, Raz told me something very intriguing. According to a friend of his, at one point I did actually go to hell, and was raped and cursed by the son of Mephistopheles.

Until that point, I was disinclined to believe the place or the person ever truly existed. I believed Hell to be a state of mind, perhaps a sphere of existence extremely miserable souls could trap themselves in out of belief. I got faint glimmers, in an earlier discussion, which seemed to indicate otherwise, but still had no definite memories or impressions showing me otherwise. Still, when I read this thing Raz said, my eyes went very wide, my hand pressed itself involuntarily to my mouth, and my mind completely froze so I was incapable of thinking or reacting until I forced myself to say so, so he wouldn't wonder what was wrong with me.

I've been aware for a while that there was a long time after my fall when I went gradually, increasingly insane. How long, I don't know, and it is extremely difficult to see details of when, how, or what I did. The memories I've seen from that are little more than mad explosions of muddy colors, with forms stretched beyond recognition of even basic shapes. I can't see anything for what it was, and the overall feel is of watching film being burned away on an old projector. I've been trying anyway, to answer some questions of mine and another, and while I felt it was important to see, all I could get was the basic shape of it. She recalled seeing me with black claws, apparently, and pale skin, shoving her roughly against a wall and frightening her. It sounded right to me, and I could see myself sort of blackened and white like this as well, but wondered how that had happened.

This morning, after staying up practically all night for some reason, before I had a chance to fully wake up and begin thinking consciously about anything, memories started to come. I saw myself wake up in Hell, directly after my fall. Shards of broken bone littered the floor, cutting my hands and feet like glass, but I could no longer fly and was forced to walk across them. I tried making shoes of larger pieces to protect my feet, but they were too brittle. There was a sullen red glow to its vast network of caverns, which could have been molten rock, or the light of the souls trapped there.

I gathered a massive contingent of the spirits down there: they were like a solid wall of energy with many faces. Anyone who wanted to leave, I said, follow me. I led them to the obsidian mansion at the center of the place, in a "let my people go" moment. Mephistopheles and his son (I think his name was Barachas) simply laughed. I declared that if they did not free us, I would take their castle by storm. I advanced on them, Barachas stepped forward, and cuffed me on the side of the head, easily knocking me to the ground. This quickly proved I had no power there. The contingent of souls, already despairing until it had become their natural state, were instantly swayed by the futility of the situation, and turned on me. They swirled around me in a red cloud, eager to help their masters laughingly raining blows on me, and I blacked out.

The next thing I was aware of was iron cuffs chaining my wrists together, and shackles around my ankles, suspending me face down on a low bed. I won't go into detail about what they did to me, but Barachas made me his pet, and their slave. My wrists were constantly chained, and I was at their beck and call as something terribly gnawed at my guts, bloating my belly. He cursed me, and toyed with me, until they tired of my presence and Hell spat me out. I woke in a flat, desolate dirt place, in a world of internal pain. My capacity and understanding of love had been completely twisted and corrupted, so when I began to find people I had known, who I had loved and loved me, all I could do was lash out, with increasing bitterness and violence. This caused them, naturally, to fear and avoid me, which sent me further down the spiral, until my mind completely broke.

I still feel nauseous after writing this, but not so acutely like I'm actually going to throw up. I woke completely, and started writing: anything to get this out of my head, so it seems less immediate. I don't know if it's true or not, and I don't care. I just want to get rid of it, so I don't feel this way anymore.
Back to top Go down
View user profile
Razi'el
Moderator
avatar

Posts : 527
Join date : 2010-02-08
Age : 28
Location : Ontario, Canada

PostSubject: Re: In Hell   Wed Apr 20, 2011 1:29 am

*hugs* that sounds awful, hun! i hope getting it out really did help you feel better, and i'm sorry something happened that sparked such a loud and violent reaction inside you! if there is anything i can do, as usual, let me know!
Back to top Go down
View user profile
Scratch

avatar

Posts : 670
Join date : 2010-02-20
Age : 36
Location : Hawai'i, Oceania

PostSubject: Re: In Hell   Wed Apr 20, 2011 6:53 am

Thanks love. I'll be okay, but will let you know if I need to.
Back to top Go down
View user profile
Ashtart

avatar

Posts : 1373
Join date : 2010-02-06
Age : 34

PostSubject: Re: In Hell   Wed Apr 20, 2011 7:15 am

I wasn't sure whether Hell existed or not. .... My feeling is that in "practical" terms, in the manner in which it is generally known, as a place "bad people go" it does not exist. There is no Christian or Buddhist style "Heaven/Hell" dichotomy for the blessed and for the evil.

In the manner of which you describe, my feeling is that it does. However, more as a dwelling place, not a prison, for the "ungood."

I'm sorry that you had to go through that, *hugs.*
Back to top Go down
View user profile
Scratch

avatar

Posts : 670
Join date : 2010-02-20
Age : 36
Location : Hawai'i, Oceania

PostSubject: Re: In Hell   Wed Apr 20, 2011 9:24 am

Yeah. I think, if anything, it is a dwelling place of despair.

I get the feeling those souls could have left at any time, but had been convinced they were trapped, and that's why everyone got so pissed at me for trying to lead them out. Asking those two to "free" us was my mistake, because it gave them power and control over me as well.

It might sound strange, but as those things stuck in my head over the course of the day, I was reminded of the Train Man in the second Matrix movie. The way he said "I built this place. Down here, I make the rules. Down here, I'm God." was very much like the impression I got of Mephistopheles. It's not part of a dichotomy, any more than he is antithesis of the Source. It's just a place, ruled with fear and hate.

Thanks. I'm sorry I let it fuck me up so badly.
Back to top Go down
View user profile
Ousa

avatar

Posts : 922
Join date : 2010-03-07
Age : 70
Location : Kansas

PostSubject: Re: In Hell   Wed Apr 20, 2011 2:39 pm

Use it as a test of logic and perspective for you to explain that moment of true feelings to others as they travel their paths in life's ultimate goal. <---Hope this makes sense... Question

Ouza I love you
Back to top Go down
View user profile
Azaz'el
Admin
avatar

Posts : 1084
Join date : 2010-02-02
Age : 48
Location : UK

PostSubject: Re: In Hell   Wed Apr 20, 2011 10:42 pm

As you've come to understand and as has been said already, concept of Hell, and the same for Heaven, of some specific location for souls does not exist in that way. However, depending on what we face, experience, go through, we can all visit and spent time in a place that can be our own personal Hell, and a Hell for many,many others.

I could be wrong here, but I feel strongly that the Place of Exile for all of the Grigori after the Fall was a Hell to them, just as mine was for me and no doubt was for Sem.

Never apologise for any behaviour you might have shown or anything you felt after going through such a terrible experience and dreadful ordeal. We are all shaped by the experiences we have..... love and light aren't the only things to make us grow. You should never had experienced what you did, most of us shouldn't have faced the past we did. But as trite as this may sound, it has made us stronger, wiser and able to be true to who and what we are and to each other.

If there is anything I can do to help you through these memories, just let me know

Az

_________________
Hope fades into the world of night
Through Shadows falling out of memory and time...
Back to top Go down
View user profile http://fallenshadow.darkbb.com
Ousa

avatar

Posts : 922
Join date : 2010-03-07
Age : 70
Location : Kansas

PostSubject: Re: In Hell   Wed Apr 20, 2011 10:49 pm

Very Very good advice... you did good Az. I kind of was and still am at a loss for words my mind is not as strong as it was before. But one thing is for sure... I love you all very very much and always will!

Ouza
Back to top Go down
View user profile
Scratch

avatar

Posts : 670
Join date : 2010-02-20
Age : 36
Location : Hawai'i, Oceania

PostSubject: Re: In Hell   Thu Apr 21, 2011 6:43 pm

Thank you.

I'm sure we've all been through hells in our own way, though I'm fairly certain others did not wind up here. At least, not while I was there.

It's strange... I have gotten physically sick since seeing this. That day was pretty much a quiet mania, and then the next my stomach was upset enough for me to leave work. I called in this morning... probably could have made it through, but really, really did not feel like trying. I think my time is better spent today with taking care of myself, and maybe (hopefully) some things I still need to get done. I was saying during one of those chats that I figured out a way to look at memories through the eyes of an impartial observer, like the angel side puts them in my human mind, so I'm just kind of hovering there watching everything. Even looking at it that way, there was way too much emotion with this for me. I can see echoes of what it did, plaguing me in this life. Maybe part of the reason I'm having trouble was trying to reassure myself that it's in the distant past, and can't hurt me anymore. Razz

I don't know how to go about asking for help with this, but really appreciate the offers, and am open.
Back to top Go down
View user profile
Ousa

avatar

Posts : 922
Join date : 2010-03-07
Age : 70
Location : Kansas

PostSubject: Re: In Hell   Thu Apr 21, 2011 7:34 pm

Dearest Scratch,

I feel that we are beginning to feel some effects from this Japanese Radiation incident fallout thing. So many of the different cities even back east are picking up what they call traces, however, my feeling says otherwise, especially with all the rain beginning and lately I have been seeing more and more people coming down with something. I clasify this as very unusual considering previous years with very little if no effects. So stay safe and warm if at all possible, so that we can weather this one out.(<---no pun intended) Although I do believe that this is in fact a beginning of something forthcoming which will effect all of mankind in some form or other.

Ouza I love you
Back to top Go down
View user profile
Ashtart

avatar

Posts : 1373
Join date : 2010-02-06
Age : 34

PostSubject: Re: In Hell   Thu Apr 21, 2011 8:12 pm

*nodnods* Ouza makes a very good point.

The West Coast from Alaska down is on the Pacific Jet stream, and even Hawaii and Europe are finding trace amounts of radiation in rain and milk and on leafy vegetables.

So stay inside, close the windows, I'm glad that you're coming here soon. All of the mainland is going to get it much worse. They've already detected trace rads over on the East Coast.

Insanity and illness are worse when suppressed. You already know this of course, but I worry that because what you are seeing is "too much," you may not share. If you can, share. If not, write it down. I get the feeling that you suppress a lot, because it is too much for you. I know what that's like, though not as intensely. Letting pain wash through and out of you is the only way I've found to deal in situations like this. It will pass if you let it pass. Like anything else, it will feel worse if you fight it. Learn to flow in the river, whether the river is clean or gunky, and yes, we are here for you.
Back to top Go down
View user profile
Scratch

avatar

Posts : 670
Join date : 2010-02-20
Age : 36
Location : Hawai'i, Oceania

PostSubject: Re: In Hell   Fri Apr 22, 2011 1:16 am

You both make very good points, though I can only really do anything about one. More than I already am, anyway, and yes, I'm very glad I shaved those two weeks off from my original departure date!

I don't want to suppress things, especially things like this. I want to let it all just flow, let go and let it be. I just don't seem to know how. I'm forever making things out to be different or less than they actually are, telling myself I can handle it and there's nothing anyone else can really do to help me anyway. It shuts me off from other people, keeps me distant from everyone including myself, and I hate it, but I don't know how to do any different.

I'm afraid I won't be able to function at all if I let everything happen, and even though the opposite has been true with everything I held that fear about, I'm still terrified of the apparent reality of memories like this, and how much they hurt me. I still want to think it's some kind of movie in my head... you know? This kind of shit happens in, like, comic books. I've *met* people in comic books, for chrissake! And I know there are a lot of people who take far more outlandish things, which they have far less evidence of reality behind, completely seriously, but something still makes me insist, "Not me." I want to be "better" than people who are perceived to have screws loose, even though I secretly envy the way they stand for themselves, and remain proud and unafraid.

I don't feel like anything I do has any worth outside of myself. I'm too afraid to try sharing it, to see. Everything's too conceptual, from living too much inside my head, but too much keeps going on in there to let me feel like I can do anything outside of it.
Back to top Go down
View user profile
Ashtart

avatar

Posts : 1373
Join date : 2010-02-06
Age : 34

PostSubject: Re: In Hell   Fri Apr 22, 2011 3:37 am

*hugs* I really identify with everything that you have said. I don't know what else to say though :/. It took me a long time too and was prett recently that I finally stopped fighting myself, consciously, unconsciously, and faced the abyss and terror of myself and everything that I was afraid to face. It doesn't necessarily get easier even after that, but it goes faster, less stopping, starting.

Do any of you know more about this?...

Ash
Back to top Go down
View user profile
Ousa

avatar

Posts : 922
Join date : 2010-03-07
Age : 70
Location : Kansas

PostSubject: Re: In Hell   Fri Apr 22, 2011 2:07 pm

Dearest All,

It never goes away you just hopefully try to ignore it and successfully step around it.

But I have suffered from depression for a long long time and to finally just come out of it through a reawakening of sorts yes, indeed you of course doubt and worry if what is said or done is to be received favorably or understood by all without looking wishy washy. But history rules out the fact that those so called horses of a different color must have a very deep resolve sometimes must be learned over a period a trial and error.

Although I know from fact that there will always be a question mark in my mind egging at me, is this truth or is it just fantasy. Thats why I pray for the hope of discernment and the faith that, I in my own right mind am faithful to that cause and to try and and mean try to not lose my conviction hope and dreams of good for all of mankind.

It's not easy being green !!!

Ouza I love you
Back to top Go down
View user profile
Azaz'el
Admin
avatar

Posts : 1084
Join date : 2010-02-02
Age : 48
Location : UK

PostSubject: Re: In Hell   Fri Apr 22, 2011 10:05 pm

Scratch, I understand, I know that feeling. But all I can say is that the Universe tells me to say.....

"let go, look into the mirror, hold on to the silver, and let go.....you will be caught and will not fall"

The madness is necessary to understand the calm, the pain allows us to honour the peace. You will not lose yourself, there are too many watching over you to allow this to happen.

Az

_________________
Hope fades into the world of night
Through Shadows falling out of memory and time...
Back to top Go down
View user profile http://fallenshadow.darkbb.com
Scratch

avatar

Posts : 670
Join date : 2010-02-20
Age : 36
Location : Hawai'i, Oceania

PostSubject: Re: In Hell   Sat Apr 23, 2011 9:40 am

Thank you so much for that.

I'm not sure if you know what was meant by "hold on to the silver" but that fit so well with something I saw tonight. I asked myself to go back to the moment I first started questioning/stopped believing, and saw something I apparently no longer remembered except for occasional glimmers, from when I was about two. There was a silver lady, very beautiful, like the mother of the moon. Apparently I decided she wasn't real, and that threw everything else into question. I decided I believe in her again, got home, and read that... ::smiles::

The whole of what you wrote brought tears to my eyes, in the best possible way.
Back to top Go down
View user profile
Azaz'el
Admin
avatar

Posts : 1084
Join date : 2010-02-02
Age : 48
Location : UK

PostSubject: Re: In Hell   Sun Apr 24, 2011 10:12 pm

I am so pleased that it had meaning for you. I had no idea what it was and did wonder if the silver was perhaps some charm or item that you had forgotten.... hadn't even associated it with a being. But, it was given to me so I had to pass it on.

Az

_________________
Hope fades into the world of night
Through Shadows falling out of memory and time...
Back to top Go down
View user profile http://fallenshadow.darkbb.com
Sponsored content




PostSubject: Re: In Hell   

Back to top Go down
 
In Hell
View previous topic View next topic Back to top 
Page 1 of 1
 Similar topics
-
» Craig Murray: Amanda Knox, Oscar Pistorius and the McCanns. Guilty as hell.
» The Ladies From Hell - Royal Highland Regiment of Canada - The Black Watch
» Want Ads: Must speak Spanish...Go To Hell
» WHAT THE HELL???
» What the hell is wrong with these left-wing idiots?

Permissions in this forum:You cannot reply to topics in this forum
 :: Putting The Pieces Together :: The Past-
Jump to: