Head Space

I feel really weird today, especially in my head. It's kind of the same feeling I get when in deep meditation, the kind where I only distantly feel my body, but my eyes are open and I'm interacting with everything.

Last night I was getting tingles in my arms, legs, torso... kind of everywhere, like my body was going to sleep. I kept getting weird rippling and tensing sensations in my abdominal muscles, and putting my hand over my solar plexus in response to them. I thought it all could have been from feeling sick most of that day and not eating anything, so I had some cooked vegetables and rice, then went to bed. Something was telling me to absolutely not have anything from an animal to eat.

Something told me to meditate before going to sleep, and I think I visited someone, or someone visited me. It felt like there was at least one person in my tent, but I knew no one was there, which made me suddenly lonely for people I love, and touching. My mind kind of drifted off on me, then suddenly I was cognizant again, and very sleepy, so I rolled over on my side and konked out.

I haven't really dreamed at all since I got to Hawaii, but last night was a confused jumble of being with people in different places. The pieces I remember didn't seem to have bearing on anything, but I woke up with the absolute certainty people I don't physically know know exactly who I am, and consider me a dear friend, whether they realize it or not.

It seems like sheer randomness, except for this trancelike feeling I'm in. My eyes looked different to me in the mirror this morning too, in a way I can't really explain, but the word feral comes to mind. Kind of a sharper clarity. I'd forgotten until now, but I woke sometime deep in the night, with tears running from my eyes. Letting what felt like overwhelming emotions drain out, I kept telling myself it was my ego dying. I suddenly knew it was causing me all my pain, and needed to go, so I could really do all the things I want to. This seemed like something I was both being told, and feeling for myself. Everything seemed horrible and hopeless, like I was trapped in this life. I knew it wasn't true, so I brought myself out of that mindset by writing it, then asked that the emptiness those thoughts spring from be filled. Something inside me screamed in agony as I visualized myself filling with light from the inside out. That sound made me happy, and able to sleep again.

This morning, on the way to the Common area, I started trying to push wings out of my back, because I missed them so terribly. I wasn't strong enough though, and got this visual of misshapen, uneven feathery growths until someone went "What are you doing?!" in my head, and I stopped. But I waaaa-naa... I feel really incomplete without them, and kind of lost in my body.

How're you all doing?

That's an interesting experience and perhaps is linked to the time of year and the season again. I'm not sure why but it seems to be a point of growth and evolution for many, even if it doesn't seem to fit with the general seasonal norm.

Right now I'm on holiday/vacation and struggling with a very poor internet connection ..... so whilst I 'need' my link to the outside world, I'm having to face the fact that there could be long periods of time where I won't have it. Even using the word 'long' there is false.... I will be home at the end of next week. But there is a part of me that isn't looking forward to a link to the world!!!

I began some spiritual reconnection again on the night of the solstice, something I plan to do during this week too. But yesterday especially I began to sense and feel the world around me again, its vitality, the magic in nature.......... and the fact that I have become very much disconnected to it. Yet I know I can reinstate that link and remember my role and link to the Earth once more. So, I'm feeling a mix of tiredness and excitement, wanting to be part of the world and yet yearning to be free of it. It's a very up and down period of time right now.

Az

Mirroring most everything you said Scratch even down to the feral (for me it was suddenly growling and clawing at the sheets after a rush of former ego washed out of me) and the not eating animal products. though actually I've been keeping away from animal products gradually for about the past two weeks after watching a movie at the local independent theater called "Forks Over Knives." Very convincing, and veggies are so yummy anyway. Flipside of that is that trying to keep away from any animal foods means that when I eat them (cottage cheese, we're talkin here) they make me sick o_o.

I'm feeling very very very mindscrambled through the past few days but it got to the worst/most intense last night. Couldn't fall asleep for hours. Woke up feeling not-crazyminded and the first words out of my mouth were "Oh Thank God."

Where'd you go on holiday, Az? I love using that term... it sounds so much more fun than "vacation." Glad to hear you're reconnecting! That's part of what seems to be going on with me too. Nature's so immediate now, between where I am and what I'm doing, those energies get almost overwhelming sometimes. It feels like being swallowed whole.

I've been growling ALL over the place Ash, more and more since I got here. It hadn't fully occurred to me, until you said that. There were a lot of snarls and thrashing for me, too, that night. I've started speaking that language again, too. Sometimes I start humming some melody I just made up, trying it out, and wind up singing words in that tongue, the way I wish I could freestyle with English! Interesting, once again, how similarly things are happening for us. I've been at least nominally vegetarian for at least half a year, but don't want to cut out the animal protein completely.

Gee guys,

Everyone is on vacation except me!

I was taught that you should gradually ween off of any addiction including eating meat and becoming herbivore in nature and to never ever cold turkey or the body will go into withdrawals and possible shock.

The body essentially still holds its original nature as an animal base and most certainly as you say will manifest itself in all ways shapes and forms a negative response against you in your endeavor. It's like breaking a horse in you have to learn to take each movement or in this case moment second by second or it will buck you off!

That's why so many relapses occur over time. Just trust me on this one take it slow and easy and be willing to make mistakes/relapses but eventually over time you will tame the horse.

Plus it always helps to have a support group or a very very good friend to confide in because there will be moments where you will definitely need a lending ear!

I've been feeling similar over the past couple weeks, mostly with the feral. I've had an excess of agitated and prickly energy and an urge to rip and tear and move in a destructive sort of dance, hissing and growling, all while screaming and roaring silently in my mind. I've kept my urges in check though and the feeling has mostly worn off over the past couple days.

If I'm correct this is, in fact a part of the withdrawal we all are going through shedding off the old self and slipping into the new one! Hang tight it's going to get bumpy for a while. But as they say this too shall pass!

Ouza

Hopefully without too much pain !!! <--- So.... not!

I think you may be right, Ouza. Atleast, I hope so. It may be rough and bumpy for a while but it will be better in the long run than staying where we are.

As you're probably aware, here in the UK we tend to use the term 'going on holiday' rather than 'going on vacation' and I have to agree that it does sound better...!!!

I'm actually in the far north of England, so only about 50 miles away from home, but staying close to Bamburgh...... a small coastal village with an impressive castle on the edge of the beach. The castle is reputed to be Joyous Garde (for those of you interested in Arthurian Tradition). This place is also one of the sites of the old lesser Gateways, and is very close to the place that was my home in my last incarnation, and also the place I liked to visit in the First Times.

Try looking at Bamburgh on Google.... I'd post some pics or links but have very limited internet connection so can't upload much right now.

I've spent a lot of time walking and thinking and relaxing. The thing that really made me laugh was the first night here, when I was waling through the village, I passed a car that had a sign on it for an artist and tattooist.......... it was a big pair of wings and in the middle was the name 'Fallen Angel Designs.' I had to laugh, the Universe just won't let me have any time off!!!

Az

I often look into the mirror and see different eyes, or different people looking at me from behind the eyes. I have written it into one of my stories. It's a strange feeling and I carry the trancelike feeling for a while. If I try to meditate when in this state I get in deep but don't see anything when I'm in there... strange. Maybe I am taking in information without realising it