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Ashtart

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PostSubject: ?   Mon Aug 15, 2011 9:20 am

Hardly a fragment, not even a fragment of a fragment, but something I would appreciate help in deciphering if you are able to.

I'm not sure at all what the timeline between me and Azrael was, or what happened when I should say. I remember watching him die but it looks like he also watched me die? Or suffer? I have no idea.

What I saw and is still too much for me to stay with for more than a moment is me holding a shard of something like long silver-grey thick mirror between my palms, looking at the sky and stabbing myself in the heart. This is much like something that had already happened, so I'm not sure why I inflicted the wound on myself. To relive a past life?

Azrael was watching in this instance and he screamed at me as I stabbed myself... I have a lot of traumatic feelings around this, like... maybe I felt it was good, but he knew that it wasn't good for me to do that to myself, like ... for everyone. But I thought that I was doing something good for everyone.

It feels like a moment when I should have "known better" but I was too lost.

I remember a life before being killed and then lives after. This was a life after, and I was Sidhe. I have the image of wearing black and silver and having somewhat tan flesh and dark hair.

I have the feeling that something had "happened" something that I wanted to help fix but it was a lost cause. Nothing could be done. The more that this event spiralled out of control the more emotional turmoil I felt and started to be unstable so by the time I stabbed myself it seemed like very much the right thing to do and was very much not. Like... this was something I think I blamed myself very harshly for, for all the suffring I caused with my actions, until about 2 days ago, I allowed myself to see this fragment for the first time and finally began to let their words in... I don't know who exactly but Shadow who have for some time, at least since this year been telling me over and over again "It's not your fault." Trying to send me love that I wouldn't accept because I didn't deserve it.
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Ashtart

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PostSubject: Re: ?   Mon Aug 15, 2011 9:30 am

Strangely Ari'el your post about fighting helped with this acceptance of this fragment a lot. I had already began to see it come through but would panic and be miserable everytime it did. then I read your post and... this huge wave of relief and resignation washed over me. Everytime they come to me and hug me and whisper "IT's not your fault, it wasn't your fault, don't blame yourself" it's like "Thank you for saying that, but it was my fault. I know you love me and you care for me, and you want me to reurn to being my true self. I can never return to being her, to being full of light and love, because it was my fault. I will always kill and despise because I couldn't do the right thing then."

When I read your post, the resignation that washed over me was "It wasn't my fault after all. It was their fault." I have always but always felt furious deep on the inside for my actions, for what I'd thought I had committed, but when I read your post it finally left me.

The reason this was so important to happen is because I do feel that I want to start something... a movement a revolution a war I'm not sure. I feel it must be peaceful but the violence and fury in my soul makes me want it to be violent. If it's violent nothing will be solved. So I had to find peace. I couldn't do that alone. So thank you.

Ash
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Ari'el
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PostSubject: Re: ?   Mon Aug 15, 2011 1:27 pm

I'm glad I was able to help. <3
I am here for you, sis. We will support eachother.
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Ari'el
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PostSubject: Re: ?   Mon Aug 15, 2011 1:42 pm

P.S. Those last two sentences came out of nowhere. But they felt true and came frim my heart, so I had to say them.
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Ishtahar
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PostSubject: Re: ?   Mon Aug 15, 2011 7:50 pm

There is no room for blaming ourselves. Every single one of us have things to regret but we have to get over it, Regret holds us back and we need to be moving forward.
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Ashtart

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PostSubject: Re: ?   Wed Dec 28, 2011 1:28 pm

Very true Ish
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Ashtart

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PostSubject: Re: ?   Sun Jan 26, 2014 11:25 pm

I've been thinking about this fragment a lot recently.

I gathered up all of my courage to face it fully without flinching or backing off of the chaotic feelings, and it became suddenly really clear.

This person who was stabbing herself was not me. But she was connected to me. So connected that our feelings became entwined. I "saw" this event through her eyes, but when I re-entered this memory, I saw that she was looking at me - the real me from then. Then I felt that maybe this was a different person.

So I tried shifting outside of the body, to look at it from the outside. Long dark hair, cruel eyes, malicious smile. This was one of my sisters, one of the seven. And she was crazy - twisted with darkness and Corruption, and wanting to put an end to the balance on this world by plunging that silvery shard into her own crystal heart, shattering it.

I think this was Isis.

I have long suspected/been told by my guidance that it was Isis who orchestrated my murder in the earlier times. And that she was working with or for the Corruption that also took Iscarion and the rest who turned away from the light. I feel that she wanted power, and that "delicious" sense of domination over others. I don't think all of the Egyptian gods were evil, in any sense. Bast seems friendly enough, and Anubis I consider a true friend, like a brother. I don't know what turned Isis away from the light, but she wasn't the mother goddess that she was later made out to be. She was a being of corruption and hatred and malice. Mastery over others through magic, and cunning manipulation. It makes me sad. Whereever she is, she's probably still stuck in this hatred and darkness. And the world needs her to emerge back into light, just as it needed me to wake up to who I am. So I send prayers and compassion to her and try to send as much love as I can.
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Ashtart

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PostSubject: Re: ?   Mon Feb 17, 2014 9:19 am

Wow. She hated me so much. This is the most painful memory to revisit purely because of the hatred that she seared onto my soul a moment before she plunged that knife into her breast. Her eyes were violet or purple, and they caught mine. And she sneered, or smiled, and behind her smile was the worst hatred I have ever experienced. And she was pouring it towards me. And I internalised it all, and thought that I deserved it even all these millennia later... but I didn't. She was just crazy. A curse undeserved, and one that I refuse to hold anymore.
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FeirceDeity64

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PostSubject: Re: ?   Mon Feb 17, 2014 1:11 pm

Ashtart wrote:
Wow.  She hated me so much.  This is the most painful memory to revisit purely because of the hatred that she seared onto my soul a moment before she plunged that knife into her breast.  Her eyes were violet or purple, and they caught mine.  And she sneered, or smiled, and behind her smile was the worst hatred I have ever experienced.  And she was pouring it towards me.  And I internalised it all, and thought that I deserved it even all these millennia later... but I didn't.  She was just crazy.  A curse undeserved, and one that I refuse to hold anymore.  

Good. I'm glad to see that you've overcome this problem.  Smile 
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Ashtart

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PostSubject: Re: ?   Mon Feb 17, 2014 10:50 pm

Thank you, Feirce. ^_^
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