Ashtart

What you remember. I've written a lot about myself around and am genuinely interested in what you recall, if it matches what I have told or if it doesn't.

Ash

The feelings and images I get are spunky, dark hair, fiesty, temperamental (spelling??), and good natured but dangerous if angered.

I had a vision of you when I first joined the forum about a year ago and what I saw was you standing over what looked like a cauldron and your hands were placed on the sides of it - you were staring intently and I do believe you may have been scrying...at first you had a neutral expression then you jumped back from the cauldron or whatever it was and you had a very scared/surprised look upon your face.

That's all I have for now.

I remember you in so many different ways. You were infinitely larger than me, made of light, and cradling me in your arms. You were like a child tagging along with angels, wanting to hold hands and touch everything. You were a beautiful dancer, a guiding light, a sacrifice, and the only thing that really mattered. Whether we realized it or not, you were greater than any of us, which brought respect, animosity, awe, anger, and love for you. I'll let you know when I remember something I haven't shared with you yet, publicly or privately, but you were always there, and I'm so glad we got to meet again this time, too.

Thanks ladies

I really don't remember much about you at all, though I've felt like I know you somehow. What you posted under "Ari'el" gave me some insights.

I don't think I knew your Sidhe-self... perhaps I (as Ari'el) would see you in passing, but that was about all.

Your goddess self, however... I don't remember much, but it feels like there was love and friendship there between us. That was before I became an angel.

i too remember the spunkiness, and you seemed very inquisitive, looking things over you had never seen before. also, i remember you loved to run around barefoot, though you seemed to prefer the softer earth in the gardens as opposed to the hard packed dust of the streets

I still prefer the soft earth to the streets o_o. And asphalt... arg asphalt. But I'll walk barefoot on it for a while as long as I don't see glass.

A question about me. I thought about this when I read Gabri'els memories of Azra'el and I and of his death. I suppose it was when she mentioned that he was very concerned about my wellbeing that I started wondering. Was there a point at which some Shadow began to hate me or want to hurt me? Was there something that he would have wanted to keep me safe against? Whether internal within the Shadow or external from some other beings, I would like to know.

In what I believe is a memory of watching you and Azrael in an embrace and talking to others about it, there was this one angel in the group who was very angry about it, with the others in peace about it. I remember that in the end of it he walked away angerly when we didnt agree with what he said and I said that we had better watch him and make sure he doesn't do anything harmful. His name started with an A for sure but rest of it I am not sure of, maybe something like Abruiel but I dont know. All I know is that he was one of the people who were angry about it.

Abrim'el? It really wouldn't surprise me if it was.

Yea that sounds like it could be his name as well.

Tell me more about this person

I was able to find versions of Abruiel online and in my Dictionary of Angels by Davidson as Abru-El, another name for Gabri'el.

...Was Gabri'el in the forest with us?

I can try to get you more but right now I am only getting bits and pieces of memory.

-Uzziel

as far as I can tell, this individual was not Gabriel but his energy does feel close. So maybe it was an individual that humans mistook for Gabriel but I don't know. All I know is that of the one memory I do have of Gabriel I felt like I knew him/was more close to him then this one other individual but I dont remember which memory was earlier in time.

After more than 5 years of exploring in this place (and more than 11 years in whole), I thought that I'd just post what I know of myself, from beginning to end. Maybe it will help me to unlock some more that's still locked too, in that odd way that writing out stories does.

(Before the Beginning) I was on a planet, like Eden. it was green, food grew everywhere, there was no danger. We loved. Everything was very simple. We were "advanced" but did not compete. There was peace. Then danger. Fire. He protects me. We are separated. That universe ended. A new one began.

The furthest back that I can take myself is to the heavens around the blue planet Earth. I was a goddess. There were Seven of us. There were Seven of them, the gods, on the other side of the planet form us. We towered, outlines like shimmering starlight, mostly translucent, halfway unformed/not material. But we were Of the world and the world in some ways was of us. In accordance with what was written we birthed angels. I held the Lucifer, the first, in my arms, briefly. Then he was gone.

After that peace... silence.... and a room, we look like humans but we are not and we are arguing and YHVH wants to be better than the rest of creation and the Seven do not, and I get angry and storm out of this room with its wooden table, and a few follow me, but many do not.

Betrayal... my brother (Rahman) gives YHVH "the key" that allows him to take from me what is most precious... my children. I watch them falling bright like flames and frozen with shock, he takes that moment to split me from myself, I Fall because I am no longer all that I am and my mind separates and drifts through the empty space away from the home planet where I watched over the children.

Space.........................................................................stars......nebula.... silence....stars... it is pretty, and I start to wonder where I am. Who am I. Where did I come from? i don't remember anything. But the stars are beautiful.

Dancing...... i fall into a star, we are dancing.

Dying.... the others in the star, they start to die.

Leaving.... the others in the star, they are leaving, there is a sickness in the universe, far away, at a blue planet with humans on it. They are leaving to find this planet, to bring back what is missing, to undo the sickness that is blocking the flows of energy. Finally, I leave the star, we leave and I return... We drift down to the planet like leaves of light, light flowing around us, our limbs our hair our gowns are all light and we don't know what this planet will be like but we know that there is sickness here and we have to fix it. There are others of our kind here too. They got here before us. They live rooted in the planet feeding it light since the imbalance started. They have become the new balance. They are Sidhe.

In the meantime.... did all of her/me fall away into space? There was an other, whose time hasn't been determined yet... but she fought, fiercely, on a red red plain. Some of the children fought with her. Some of their children fought against her. The ones born of the Gods. Grrr. There is a lot of growling. She is Sidhe. Maybe this part of the story comes later on.

Back to arriving.... Cities! Beautiful large advanced cities filled with mysteries, wonders, all the races of this world, travelers, traders, diplomats. Clean brightly colored cities filled with magic and magical creatures. The great Leviathan at Mu in the large ocean, the capital city filled with giant crystals formed out of the streets up into the air, the Sidhe elders guiding their people. The time before hiding when all was open and none feared. Peace, (some tension... especially with the Malakhim... the Shadow), prosperity, progress... sciences of a sort and spiritual advancement... working towards harmony, towards balance.... many years in the beautiful Sidhe cities allowing my energy to grow denser and like them rooted (back) into the planet, balancing it with light. One day, the arrival of Malakhim... they want to make peace. They have worked with the Elders and now they come to Mu and I meet them for the first time (or is it the first... not really). We meet, and as a peace offering I am given to the care of a group of them. I shall learn their ways and follow their example, and we two races will find peace through interconnecting. I accompany their group... among them, that I know, Azaz'el, Azra'el, Razi'el, the Lucifer, Samma'el. There are others, too. We depart form Mu and I never see the city again. We travel, we use the gateways, the world is so huge... and I don't remember any of it. My mind is of a child, especially compared to these old beings.... They treat me fondly, like a sister, and I lose my suspicion of them, looking up to them like brothers with much to teach me about the world. There is so much wrong with this picture Given what was... They too have cities all over the world, not like the Sidhe cities but fortresses where they can establish power and presence on the young world. They've been to many worlds, and this is one more.

We troop through forests and I fall in love with the one that I shouldn't. We return to their home, to the place between the Tigris and Euphrates where the gardens are green and the desert is harsh and the sun is bright and one rules from the castle-fortress above the multi-colored town. His hair shines golden and he was once an aspect of YHVH. I do not remember him, but he remembers me, and he is angered the longer I ignore his love. The Shadow that follow him strike out at me, little attacks here and there, catching me off guard. I hate this town. The shadow and stink of death hangs over it like a blight and my Sidhe mind finds it foul, unnatural. The Flow is what keeps the planet living... The Flow cannot be controlled and it CANNOT be ALTERED but they attempt that HERE for some terrible reason and it offends every sense that I have and I cannot stand it and the people are following me and we are screaming, and the humans are dying and I didn't mean for it to go so far and how could they be so weak and Azra'el takes me and we run but we can't run far enough.

Somewhere in there there is a Dark City and another goddess and the Fall of the Lucifer and tragedy. Or did the Fall of the Lucifer happen after... no it must have happened before. We have retreated to the green lands in the West and there is nowhere to run for too long but we know that time is precious. The Lucifer comes to me, looking like he did before, not after, which is confusing to me then, and with his lovely smile leads me to a tomb where I am murdered and dissected by the Shadow that I once knew as brothers who taught me much about the world.

Whew.

And then I was three. Killed not once but twice. Growing farther from myself. There is a piece of me, what remains of the original, looking on, powerless. The two that result the second time... one is taken into the Sidhe and again life, and again knowledge. The other awakens from death and despair and knows nothing but keening into the night.... I was three. How could all these pieces ever reunite...

The one taken into Sidhe remains with them, and fights for them, and the Sidhe close themselves off from the Shadow again and there is war... there are wars... and we do not like the Malakhim again because they betrayed us and we cannot do with betrayers. But there are some among them that we will favor, those that Fall, because they are more like us. They follow the Flow, they listen to the currents of what is. They do not seek to CONTROL and ENSLAVE because that is unnatural. And again, this me has few memories, only some good ones about trooping and friendships, and none about love. What is that?... And she remembers some about the Grigori because they are her friends. And when a call comes from them to the Sidhe asking for aid, I am the only one who will respond, and not immediately because I am bound by duties. The Sidhe Elders have scryed and forbid us to go, but I am foolish and loyal and I go. Foolish because the Gates would be closed and then I could not go back. But that was also written, I am sure. Fated to occur. --- the wise choice in *that time* would have been to remain. There was nothing I could do. Nothing. I encountered too many little children's corpses. Nephylim. The Grigori were already bound outside of time. The Sidhe Elders were "right" in that sense. But the wise choice for *this time* was exactly what happened. Because now I am here. I can exist in this world, and they cannot. I have an advantage to help reunite the worlds because I am in a physical body bound to the material plane and I cannot return until all can return. Which is more in tune with my original goal in returning to this planet - to undo the sickness at this world caused by the blocking of something. --- Then there were more wars and I watched him die, the one who I loved (what is that?) but had forgotten, who was Shadow. And it is more terrible than anything that I can remember... and then, almost at that moment, they closed the Gates, the Shadow and we ARE TRAPPED IN THIS PLACE.

We all go mad, all the magical races and the animals lose their knowledge and wisdom (at least as far as humans can tell... it's still there for them but they can't connect with us anymore...). We become destructive, we destroy villages, we murder, we go on killing sprees, something has SNAPPED within us and it is our link to our own realms to which we cannot return. The humans and the Shadow overcome us, the magical races, we retreat into crumbling cities and underground and into forests and hide and emerge to destroy and hide again. And I am a terrible being with blazing red hair and I am called Maeve and I watch over the fae and we delight in the pain of others and bide our time.

Time which passes so slowly. So slowly. With each year we decline... we give up our hold on the realm and pass into the samsara cycle to be reborn again as something other than what we entered this world as, something other than the true forms we have held in purpose to the true natures of ourselves. In some year, I look at my wasted "kingdom" in the Gray - the inbetween, where humans cannot reach but not the true place that shines bright and that we came from - and finally I let go of my hold on my form and enter into the samsara cycle. I spend several human lives insane or deformed, too fae to be in a body like that and too full of rage and magic to live peacefully among human people who I have so long detested, though in other times, other eras, I loved them. Finally my energy grows more stable in the human body and I am born into many lives, most ending violently, a cycle that I can't escape from my previous "lives." In each life I get a little more stability, and live a little longer. In many of these lives I try to fight to help the downtrodden, another cycle I find myself in over and over. India, China, Japan, Hungary, the United States. 1983 at 11:11 at a street number 1311 with a vision of a goddess in blue. This time all of the cycles are ended, and the Gates are reopening and over all of those lifetimes I have remembered who I am and why I'm here and why I was originally here. Outlined in starlight in the sky. The challenge is to undo all of the damage that was done... the harm that came to my children, to their hearts, splitting them in two, and the division that I allowed when I chose to leave the side of YHVH instead of joining him in love. Because there are more solutions in love than separation, and more solutions in forgiveness than running away. Over time I found some of the others - Azaz'el, Ishtahar, Ari'el, Ousa, the Lucifer, Razi'el - and you are each like pieces of my heart. And all who are drawn here who share your light <3 Over time there is healing... remembrance and pieces retrieved, put back together, and I was once three but now they are merged within me again... I rose from the depths and fell from the heavens and opened my heart in the material realm and we found out that we are all pieces of the same and never truly separate, only torn apart for a little while. As it was written.

The past can be mended, parts of it... and specifically I feel that much that happened at Eden was not "supposed" to happen... and much that came after, especially the stone table and the second split.

That's as much of the story - abridged - as has been retrieved in some years. It took a lot of pain, tears, questioning and discussion. It was all worth it.

All I can feel and remember was that you were always deeply loved and respected and always welcome to be with us at our table and in our home! I and wishglow always felt you as a daughter to us and very important.

Ousa

Ash... That was...powerful and beautiful and heart wrenching. I feel like my soul has been hit by a boulder. By the end I was near tears, and at points even felt like throwing up with the overwhelming waterfall of emotion and energy. Thank you for sharing that.

I feel... Even though the specifics of our stories are very different... I feel that the underlying truth of our existence is very similar.

<3