No way out (rant)

Warning this is a rant, i posted it only in the hopes of seeing reactions I have re-edited it to make it less offensive but I might have missed a few things.

So you’re in this belief for 1 year, 2 years, 4 years, 10, 20, 30, you know what let’s for the sake of the argument say you’re in this belief for a couple of years. But is it really right to call it simply a belief anymore, does it do it real justice? Belief, movement, religion, passionate pursuit, hobby, lifestyle, new age pursuit, the degeneration of humanity, the reflection of the decadence of our age, yah sure depending on what walks of life you come from any of these can do justice for you to try and name that which is unnamable or control what is uncontrollable. But maybe it is purely an idea, and that’s what makes it special, for as V said ideas are bulletproof. There is no way to kill them, burn them or stop them the only alternative is letting them run their course. But as I said perhaps I name it an idea to embody that which cannot be embodied or which shouldn’t be embodied.

When one is in this for years he sooner or later finds himself looking back on the past or looking for the future, while living his everyday life.

If one is to dwell on the past than he will most likely discover just what he has become. One starts this journey hesitant, reluctant, and unwilling to accept the changes happening to him and the world around him. He is like an addict, knowing he needs it, he wants it to a degree and for him to feel some measure of release he grabs hold of it all for just a second at first, than latter a minute and an hour, until like a drug he feels powerless to resist. Looking back he doesn’t quite understand how it happened only that it did. That doubt be replaced by faith, that fear be replaced by ambition, that pain be replaced by anger, that confusion be replaced by cold focus, that day be replaced by welcomed night and that humanity be replaced by animal.

At this point when he looks on the past, he feels shattered at first, broken, unwilling to believe what he has become or what he is to become. Yet he slowly, like a baby taking his first steps, begins to realize the course of events. Destiny may be a fabricated idea created by the weak to give them hope, yet the events that have come to pass have all changed the individual. The hopes that were dashed, were meant to be lost otherwise he might never have dreamt of doing this. The pain caused to him was a test, by which he became stronger. Each failure made him more and more determined to succeed. Each hour spent in loneliness, doubt and tears did more to shape his psyche for what was to come than any hour spent in the rays of the sun. Until finally it dawns on him, there is no going back, no blessed escape, this is far more than a stage in his life, it had become his life. Monster, freak, animal, idiot, fanatic, crazed, he will be called all of those things by conventional society so there is no more doubt about his allegiance. He never truly was one of them and now he never will be.

Now fully accepting of what he is, he begins to accept of what will come to pass. He has no want of being angry, no want of killing, no want to be a player in something that will change the world; he truly doesn’t want any of these things for all he cares about is personal freedom, an escape from society, from life and its burdens. Yet even at this stage there are more revelations to be had. Death, the taking of another beings life is as old a process on this world as life itself. To survive he will be eventually forced into inhuman acts. To be noble is a human trait which he will continue to cling on to for as long as humanity allows him. Yet even now there is no doubt in his heart that eventually he will be pushed and eventually he will succumb to his truest nature. It is an odd sensation to know you have the ability to take life when your entire lifetime you considered yourself the underdog, the coward, the runt who would not hurt a fly, to have such bestial preferences made bloody simple is an awakening in itself. Yet there is more, knowing what you might very well become you also know what the world will become. You know whether planned or unplanned, desired or undesired, pursued or left alone, the movement, the idea, all of it will continue its drive and you as countless others are swept up in its tide.

Many try to deny it, even more try to label it, explain it and put chains on it. Yet the only truth in all of this is that there is no true way of controlling any of it. Run away and you will either be drawn back in or die in doubts as to what could of been. Try and control it and you will find it will change shape and sooner or latter control you. For when you try and control something as this, you find that more often than not you’re helping it grow rather than isolating and categorizing it. Was Christ not more in death when they tried to control him than he ever was in life? Did Jon of Arc save her country by the sword or when the English tried to obliterate her legend? Are the revolutions we are seeing in our own time being subdued as more force is brought to bear or are they spreading?

For those touched by this, for those marked by this, there is no real way out. You could of started as an ambitious runt seeking power only to find like so often that power controlled you, you could of started as the cry baby seeking attention only to find that now all of this demands your own attention, you could be the scientific type who tried to discover the true nature of this only to find your own nature lain bare before you or you could, like so many, been the skeptic finding himself giving all of this a small look only to find yourself staying for years on end, until you find yourself less than skeptical. If you believe you broke out of the circle, called it stupid and unneeded than you are truly only lying to yourself, to be exposed to this is to be burned by it, into what it will fester one cannot say. But as I like to think so often this is a gift and a curse and it isn’t particularly picky as to whom it attaches itself too.

Heh well I guess I poured out enough of my soul for now. Respond to it, comment to it, make references.

Standing or Sleeping... I was awoken and told what to do. And I have fulfilled that promise to awaken and to proceed with the others to whatever results or circumstances that might be! Nothing special ... just a promise made a long long time ago!

Ouza

p.s. But remember with animals both instincts set by fluidic and genetic memories passed on from generation to generation apply to the current abilities the animal has laid for it! Many feel that they have no soul because their minds are set to a different tone and cannot rationalize. Not so... there is a tonal leval still not achieved by us which may have its roots in telepathy yet to be achieved. Points in the past have brought circumstances more closer to understanding such as Children being abandoned or lost and brought up by wolves, etc.. etc.

This really spoke to my heart. Once again, I'm glad you've joined us.

I suppose we do all still have freedom of choice, but as you've said here, it really is not much of a choice, is it? On the other hand, if the choice is between living the life that has been laid out for each of us, or going against it and ending up filled with misery and regret, that "freedom" is far more of a curse than whatever it is that was given to us.

Thank you for writing and sharing this, today. There is something I need to do, to become, which frightens me. I want it, I know it is good and essential for me to do, and it's something many people dream of, but for reasons I don't even understand I have spent almost 10 years fighting against the idea, even as I am being groomed for it. Reading this made me feel a whole lot better about having just mentally and emotionally thrown my hands up and shouted "FINE!" to the universe, once and for all.

Ouza, please forgive me, but I don't have a clue what you mean't whit your post can you perhaps elaborate?

Scratch; I am glad that it spoke to your soul. I personally find it that when looking at the community and how it effects the spiritual, well I find that no matter what one does in life he feeds it to a degree. I feel like I am being guided or shoved in some direction at times. Sometimes this is due to other people, random events or even something as simple as dreams (although I am guessing nobody here ever has simple dreams). I don't know I am not the kind of persone who sais anything whit certainty in the spiritual. Like I am an angle, or a wolf or similare, I am simply to afraid to be fooling myself and to be wrong. Yet what can one do, when I did deny this it called me back in a way, when I go headlong in it I find myself getting lost or I find my controle sliping. It's a weird sensation essepcialy when you reflect ont he past.

I find it is a very good policy to not speak in absolutes about anything, physical or spiritual. However, that shouldn't be construed into a constant state of questioning, or looking for alternative explanations. That just makes it even more confusing than things already are. So, I do my best to just take it all as it comes, without forcing interpretations, and trust that my questions will be answered when I'm ready for the answers. It really all does seem to be a matter of timing. Great art never reveals everything in it at once: you can look at a picture or listen to a song on a certain day, and watch it turn into something completely different than you thought it was the last time. That's how this is... so we should never even try to pretend to have all the answers.

The same is true for me, with seemingly random events or people guiding me in certain directions, and there's nothing wrong with that. I got the name Scratch from a dream, and tattooed it on myself because of the feeling I was left with, that this was the "nickname to end all nicknames," and a vital clue to who I truly am. A month after that, I found out it's an old black name for the devil. You never know, but still, deep down you know. That may be why you feel lost or like you're slipping when you throw yourself into it headlong... I think I know that feeling very well, and it seems to be because we're taught to feel safe in the illusion of concrete reality. Nothing is concrete: even buildings and sidewalks crack and crumble. As far as I can see, reality, time, souls, energy, are all so much more fluid than that, and stepping into a stream can be frightening when we aren't sure if we know how to swim yet.