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Scratch

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PostSubject: Ezeki'el   Wed Sep 28, 2011 1:53 am

Anybody?

This name has been coming up a lot for me, and I was wondering if anyone has any input they'd like to share. I'm getting the feeling he was one of the betrayers, who might have been on the council with Iscarion. I think there's a lot of violence and anger there, but also that he realized what he was doing and turned his back on them at some point.

If anyone remembers anything, or just feels what I said resonating, or not, I'd really appreciate some context for this.
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PostSubject: Re: Ezeki'el   Wed Sep 28, 2011 7:09 pm

I /think/ that Ezeki'el was one of the Shadow who stood on the cliff with myself, Gabri'el, Micha'el and others on the eve of battle... He had his own army, like the rest of us. I don't think he actually sat on the Council (I could be wrong), but I do feel that he had close ties to some of its members. You might be right about his ties to Iscarion.
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PostSubject: Re: Ezeki'el   Wed Sep 28, 2011 11:31 pm

Ezeki'el as far as i was concerned was the strong silent type. I think that he only spoke a handful of times to me in all the time I was among the Shadow. He had a way of looking like he was glaring even when he wasn't. Very serious, little fun in him. he wasn't one of the most beautiful Shadow and had, I think, a scar on his face. I can't say that anyone I know was a personal friend but no one disliked him either. i think that, perhaps, Raz... or maybe Sar who, of all those I know, was closest to him.

I don't remember him being on the Council. Each time I met him he was on the practice grounds and always had a sword either in his hand or on his person somewhere.
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PostSubject: Re: Ezeki'el   Thu Sep 29, 2011 12:15 am

Ish, what you said about him looking like he's glaring even when he's not really hit home. Interesting thought, of a Shadow having a scar, much less on his face...

It's a relief to hear you both don't think he was actually on the Council, though I'm wondering now why I was getting such a clear impression of that. He really wants to connect with me, but something keeps scaring me away, and I thought that was it. Maybe it was simply those ties, Ari'el. It's as if they were trying to make him one of them, and he's still battling that.
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PostSubject: Re: Ezeki'el   Fri Sep 30, 2011 10:46 pm

There was a Shadow who was Grigori called Ezeqe'el, same sounding name but a different spelling. He Fell, he was with us, but he was as Ish has said, very serious, very stern, very unsure of how to deal with his emotions and the feelings flooding through him. Strangely enough his is the energy we need to tap into when trying to understand the shifting patterns of emotion!

He wasn't part of the Council, but he was a Chief of Ten.


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PostSubject: Re: Ezeki'el   Sat Oct 01, 2011 2:57 am

I've seen several different versions of this name now Az, and yours made me finally go, "THAT's how it's spelled." So, that seems to be getting somewhere.

Honestly, I groaned inwardly when I saw another response to this thread had been made. I'm sorry I asked. It's been so confusing to delve into, I was ready to give up on the question. Heh... I suppose that makes sense, if he embodies the shifting patterns of emotion. That's also in keeping with how I'm being encouraged to fully experience what I feel, instead of detaching myself the way I'd been taught to. ::sighs::

I think he removed a major energy block from my lower abdomen, like an iron stake he claimed to have hammered into me in the first place. I can definitely feel the difference, and it instantly eliminated a posture problem I've been trying to fix for years. Still, I could strangle him... he can't give a straight answer to save his life, but tries anyway, so whatever he tells me changes each time I repeat the question. It doesn't seem like I can trust anything he says, or know which side he's on. It hadn't occurred to me, until what you said, that maybe he can't be on anyone's side really. Maybe that's why he was painting this "double agent" picture for me, like he was aligned with everyone at the same time.

Would you mind explaining what a Chief of Ten was, either here or privately? It sounds like something I know, but I'm not sure.
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PostSubject: Re: Ezeki'el   Sat Oct 01, 2011 12:05 pm

A little off topic but spelling is something I have a problem with. At the time I was illitterate and I never saw anyone's name written down so I have no idea how it was spelled.

That's why i have always spelled Sem with a 'h'
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PostSubject: Re: Ezeki'el   Sat Oct 01, 2011 7:56 pm

Yes he was one of the chiefs of ten! Very standoffish but a stern and quiet leader of his souls! He had Dark Brown-Black hair and blue eyes and still would be compared to the others as very professional in everything he/she said and did. He was reliable and trustworthy but still sparked a hint of the hidden in the passion of his works and deeds! He could be stone faced with glaring eyes that seemed to go right through you and broke it with a smile that somehow didn't fit his continence! However he was not the Eziekiel that the Bible talked of who had became Metatron later on and coached by the others!
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PostSubject: Re: Ezeki'el   Sat Oct 01, 2011 8:24 pm

Again, can someone please elaborate on what exactly the Chiefs of Ten were? It's starting to really agitate me that I don't know more about that.
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PostSubject: Re: Ezeki'el   Sat Oct 01, 2011 9:39 pm

They were considered squad leaders in the army

http://usmilitary.about.com/od/army/l/blchancommand.htm

Where we were more of a Battalion in nature!

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PostSubject: Re: Ezeki'el   Sat Oct 01, 2011 10:14 pm

Thanks for clearing that up Ouza..
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PostSubject: Re: Ezeki'el   Sat Oct 01, 2011 10:53 pm

The Fall of 201 of us was made up of 18 Chiefs of Ten......... each of these 18 Chiefs were in charge of a squadron of 10 Grigori, and then Sem and myself. That was 200.......... and normally the other 'one' who isn't included in the lists wasn't a Grigori but had the rank of Ang'el, and that was Dan.

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PostSubject: Re: Ezeki'el   Sat Oct 01, 2011 11:59 pm

I see Az. Thanks for the details. That cleared up what I needed to know, and it's good to know he was fighting with you.
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PostSubject: Re: Ezeki'el   Sun Oct 02, 2011 12:16 am

This is going to turn into a rant. I don't even know what I want to say, just that I have to say it.

When I read what Az said about Ezeqe'el's energy being what we need to tap into to understand the shift of emotions, it felt like a plug had been pulled out of me, draining me until I had nothing left and had to put my head down on the desk for a while. Then, I had to get up and do about 2 hours of watering, all the while wanting nothing more than to crawl into bed, put the covers over my head, and sleep for about 5 million years.

A day or two before, as I mentioned, also while doing the day's watering, I had been talking to E. Grilling him on our history is more like it, actually, since as far as I could tell he was compulsively lying. No two answers were ever the same, and I demanded to know why, until he broke down crying and said he didn't want to tell me, because he had done something horrible to me and he was sorry, he was sorry, he was so terribly sorry. I asked what, and he started to show me, then it hurt too badly and I told him to stop. But I couldn't let it go, and felt it was something I was better off getting over with than putting off, so I continued to watch as he, when we were both angels, nailed me to the ground with an iron spike through my abdomen, just below where my belly button is now. I still don't know why, but he pulled it out again after I saw that. I could feel it, and feel the ragged hole it left, and feel black congealed nasty stuff flowing out of me. Later, after what Az said, I checked, and confirmed what I already knew: that spike had been directly through the orange chakra, which is the seat of emotions, and connection between the body and inner being.

I still can't tell if he actually did this to me, or was blaming himself for something more metaphorical, or what. There is truth, as it eventually turns out, in what he tells me, but it is never literal or factual. It was true when I started this thread saying his name has been coming up a lot lately for me, but that's just a little more than it has been for the past year and a half. I just got sick enough of the ambiguity to start asking. Apparently, he has an embodiment who is in love with me and searching for me, even though we've never met. This, including the physical description I'm getting (which matches what Ouza said, except he has green eyes) fits with the first recurring vision I remember having, when I was around 15:

It always started in a big space full of people, like a ballroom, or auditorium, with a big party going on. There would be a dance floor in the middle, and I was milling around near one wall, looking at the scene. I'd look across the room, through the dancing people, and see a guy with short dark hair. He would see me at the same moment, our eyes would lock, and suddenly everything around us would cease to exist. We'd cross the room in a beeline towards each other, meet in the center, and just stand, motionless, too helplessly overcome with love to do anything but stare into each others' eyes. Neither of us would say anything: there was nothing to say. But eventually, we would raise our hands up, at the same time, clasp them palm to palm, then begin to dance.

I justified this to myself as a fantasy spun out of the Romeo + Juliet movie that was big at the time, starring the guy I had a crush on all through high school. Except that guy had blue eyes, and the guy in my vision's eyes were green. It was my favorite way to fall asleep, watching this, but I couldn't make it happen, no matter how I tried. I had to just let it, when it would.

It stopped coming sometime in '99, and by the time I graduated college, I'd forgotten about it. By the end of a series of successively more disastrous, hurtful, and downright harmful relationships (even though they taught me lessons I needed to know) I'd even forgotten the feeling that vision gave me: that there is someone out there just for me.


Well, I know now why I needed to write this. As soon as I finished typing "there is someone out there just for me" I broke down crying. It was completely spontaneous, and I sobbed with the abandon of a child, the way I used to before everything programmed me into thinking my emotions are shameful things that made me weak. They're not. They're the opposite of that. I see that now.

That's why that cry felt like a reset button. It didn't take away any of the pain of my relationships, but it removed my supposed need to hide that pain, and pleasure, from myself. It didn't change any of the hurt I went through, growing up under the oppression of my sister's uncontrollable emotional problems, and my parents' preoccupied distance from my emotional needs, which made me feel like I had to be the "good" one, who kept herself perpetually in check and under control. But, it made ruins of that mindset, so I can sweep away the rubble and see that even though I may feel things as intensely as she does, it doesn't mean I'm going to fly off the handle the way she always does if I allow myself to experience the full scope and majesty of my emotions. It took the fear of the unknown away, because it's been God knows how long since I let myself really know how I feel about anything.

I never really let myself talk about Ezeqe'el to anyone, even though he's been one of the biggest presences around me for well over a year now. There was something I found acutely embarrassing about him, and very possibly dangerous. I thought he might have been an enemy, masquerading as a helpful presence to gain my trust, so he could do something terrible to me.

That is exactly the way I have regarded my emotions for most of my life. All they ever seemed to do was get me into trouble, but what I see now is that it was my reaction to them, my attempts to squelch or make them into something different, and them creeping through around the edges of those walls, that was the problem. So, to flip a turn of phrase, I *do* care anymore. If I want to be in touch with what's going on, that involves allowing myself to react in ways which are honest and without conceit. And that especially goes for people, and how we interact.

It was when Ezeqe'el appeared that I was reminded of that vision. I know now that he (in one of his aspects, since it seems multiple people can all have pieces of an angel's soul) is that dark haired, green eyed man I have been longing for, and somehow, he is searching for me. I had pretty much given up on the idea of there being anyone for me, just for me, and so far he is dead last in a long list of personality types I might have chosen for myself. But now, I am seeing things I have been doing wrong, and ways I have been hurting myself, and despite all the changeable confusion, there is truth running through what he tells me. There are obviously a lot of things I still need to learn, especially in regards to love, so maybe now, when we do find each other in that crowd, I will be ready for him.
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PostSubject: Re: Ezeki'el   Sun Oct 02, 2011 3:25 am

*hugs* I loved reading that, Scratch. So glad things are moving in the right direction. <3
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PostSubject: Re: Ezeki'el   Sun Oct 02, 2011 3:37 am

Funny my recollections first led me to believe his eyes were green but my second choice solidified when I saw him in my minds eye! Should have stuck with the first choice! Sometimes I think, I have the symptoms of being dyslectic in a lot of respects. But he is definitely clear in my mind. And please never discount your other feelings towards him he was and still is a sincere and loyal and loving soul!
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PostSubject: Re: Ezeki'el   Sun Oct 02, 2011 7:04 am

::hugs Ari'el back:: Thanks love. I hope so. <3


Last edited by Scratch on Sun Oct 02, 2011 8:30 am; edited 1 time in total
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PostSubject: Re: Ezeki'el   Sun Oct 02, 2011 8:16 am

And Ouza, the funny thing is, I think he has a penchant for blue contacts. ::shrugs::
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PostSubject: Re: Ezeki'el   Sun Oct 02, 2011 1:28 pm

It would seem to make more sense since I'm still drawn between the choice of green and blue! lol I love you I love you I love you
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PostSubject: Re: Ezeki'el   Sun Oct 02, 2011 8:49 pm

::chuckles:: People seem to have the same trouble with me, come to think of it. My eyes change from blue to green, and can go somewhere in the middle, so depending on the mood they catch me in it can be confusing for some people.

I think his are darker, but maybe they do too. That is kind of funny.
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PostSubject: Re: Ezeki'el   Sat Dec 24, 2011 2:19 am

There was an Ezeqe'el who joined up here a long while back, to whom I tried to act as neutral as possible but... had a raging "How dare you show your face to us!!!" reaction Shocked I hope I get to explore that more, someday
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PostSubject: Re: Ezeki'el   Fri Apr 13, 2012 4:45 am

I have to say, everything said here has been quite interesting to read. I'm not quite sure what to make of all of it.

Though I do have to wonder about that reaction, Ash. I don't take any offense from it, I'm just curious about it.

If I can't contribute much, I can at least contribute how I came about this name. It came one day, seemingly out of nowhere, but it just clicked. And recently, in the many things that have happened these past couple months, that feeling was solidified. I hadn't been referred to as Ezeki'el by anyone before, but after the first time I did, it felt even more correct than when I had thought of it. There was this sudden feeling of joy, as if hearing my name for the first time in a long time; it was a wondrous feeling.

I wish I had more to contribute.
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PostSubject: Re: Ezeki'el   Fri Apr 13, 2012 4:54 am

Thanks Ezikiel. It can be hard sharing our feelings in the open about experiences had in the past, because we all know that none of us are precisely the same people that we were then, and cannot blame each other today for things that may have occurred in the past... but a lot does carry over anyway! I don't know much about it myself. I get the feeling that maybe I felt betrayed because he was very close to us and then did something that no one was expecting.
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