Always Here :p

Yes, I do spend most of my time here. :p Besides being an excellent home and space for exploring and finding and sharing and bonding, it is also a place that increasingly pokes me in my mind, kind of incessantly.

I am a psychic, intuitive, magickworker and energy worker. Ever since I began exploring magick and energy work, about 12 years ago, the Universe "pokes" me telling me to "go this way" or "go that way." "Synchronicity" has become a way of life... or maybe a requirement of life. When I'm not making things happen, I'm not trying hard enough or I'm doing something wrong.

I'm kind of tired of that, to be honest.

The past couple of days have been VERY intense for me... in part because of some fantastic posts that thankfully challenge worldviews I've held onto, and in part because of the "supermoon" maybe? LOL!! But I can't help being tired all the same.

I spend too much time, it feels like, MUCH too much time... trying to solve the mysteries of myself and the history of the world... feeling like it would all be solved if only we FINALLY REALLY KNEW EVERYTHING. I hate mysteries. In terms of the world, when there are things you don't know, that is when people are dying. Yes, it is that serioud for me.

The deaths of humans weigh heavily on me, in particular the innocent, the poor, the striving... those who try, who FIGHT and are DEFEATED by the systems enclosed around them.

...even me writing all of this is the Universe poking me in the mind.

I feel old... I've "felt forty since I was 6." Ask my folks. Almost thirty feels like too long to be here, or anywhere. It all keeps going. Is this the despair at the edge of success? Nearly there and suddenly exhausted for how far we've come? Perhaps.

This September marks 5 years since the forum opened. I was here about 3 days after it opened. Again, being poked in the mind. And since that day I've posted about everything and anything that I was wondering about.

This December we will see a culmination of... something.

And I'm tired. Sometimes I wonder if I don't try too hard to fix everything because I'm stuck in the push of those lives I have lived SO MANY TIMES, murdered, "sniped," in the middle of "meaningful work" so many times, trying to uplift and rescue people so many times... My spirit perhaps is trying to make good on the efforts of the past... but those times are ALL over. And maybe I'm working to fix things that don't need to be fixed anymore, or have been fixed by others. Maybe I'm not needed anymore.

Which would be sort of a relief to me...

Maybe I can stop. Just stop... trying to DO everything. Soon...

Ash

I'm afraid to say that you are needed Ash, more so than you ever have been, which is perhaps why you are so tired..... as you realise this and hear the Call, even if only subconsciously so far.

But tiredness is prevalent at the moment, and we have just faced and lived through a Bealteinne that had more in Common with Samhuinn than anything else. So much death and change and cold (yes, there was even a few snow showers where I live yesterday).

You were the first member of the forum after Ish and I. You have remained with us these 5 years now and have supported us, challenged us, disagreed with us, made us think and question and ponder, you have held us and wiped away our tears and backed us at every step. And you are still needed and valued perhaps more than you realise. But your time is not yet over.

I empathise with your tiredness........ in my own way....... and I am ready to return Home. But there is still need for us and still tasks for us to complete. So, pull your chair a little closer to the fire hun, the night is getting colder and the wind is stronger, and let us share the meagre warmth whilst we can, for the dawn brings with it Change

Az
x

I can empathise as well ash, there are some times, increasingly lately, where i feel ancient, and i'm only 23! but, nonetheless, i feel like i could just lay down and fall asleep for years. it's just a little further though, we only have a little stretch left to go, a few more years before the final pieces are in place....

i can't be sure, but i think maybe (in my case, i can't really speak for everyone else) Raz had a sort of plan, he/i had plotted out and counted on my ignorance of everything, but was a sort of guiding hand in a way, setting the stage without realizing it. again, i can't be sure, but i get the sense he had some sort of plan, and everything he/i did leading up to my own fall was meant for a very specific thing, to fall into place just when the whole elaborate scheme seemed it would collapse on itself. it's a very odd feeling.

i'm amazed to hear that you sort of landed here mere days after it opened, Ash, and yet somehow it doesn't surprise me at all! heheheh, it's all sort of funny in that, way, eh?

I know that feeling, Ash, of feeling ancient while still a child. I also know what it feels like to be so tired inside it's hard to keep going outside. It's been a long long time since we could just sit and rest, truly rest. And the soup is being stirred up well and truly right now.

I just wish I had answers.

All I can say is that if you need time away we totally understand. In fact we would insist.

Don't be afraid to delegate authority to the most rightful and responsive souls that are in your sphere of existence!

Ouza

Oh, Ash. How I can relate to almost everything you said. Especially,

"I feel old... I've "felt forty since I was 6." Ask my folks. Almost thirty feels like too long to be here, or anywhere. It all keeps going. Is this the despair at the edge of success? Nearly there and suddenly exhausted for how far we've come? Perhaps."

I myself am 28 years old, and so too do I consider these few years to be far too many. I feel ancient, literally. :/

Lately, I've been feeling so restless, like something is about to happen, or like I'm on the cusp of some great revelation..... It seems to me as though all these 15 years of my occult research, the 2 years of seminary school that I attended, all the theological and sociological research that I've compiled in my own spare time, that something is finally going to come of it all, what, I have no idea, but something.... Its despair, its suspence, its anticipation.... all rolled into one methings.

I too have been with the forum for a couple of years. I have learned a great deal, had a falling out or two, read so much that I think my eyes have bled (lol), and all of the companionship and acceptance that I've had here, with all of you absolutely wonderful people has also begun to fit into this seeming mystery....

All will be told in time methinks...

Thanks Malphas, and something is about to happen.

Ah, Ouza, THAT's the one that I have the most trouble with! Everyday! XD...

Thanks Ish I reckon that we've been alive so many times that when we're born again we're already exhausted o_o. We do all need some time to rest and relax. Company retreat!! o_O?? To the Alps!!! We need one of those company-sponsored vacations. ...We need a sponsor!!! So that we can all take a load off ... As for taking time off, I appreciate that and think I'll heed Az's advice in not quitting while I'm ahead...

Az, thanks for everything ((hugs)).

Raz, you've sort of inferred that there was some "purpose" in your falling before. Wonder what you have planned, exactly.

One thing that our home has that is hard to find outside is Truth. There is a Truth that we are all remembering together and sharing with each other that is important to everyone. To the world.

Another thing that we have is love and compassion. When you join you are family, and when you keep love in your heart, we keep you as family.

These things need to - deserve to - be built upon. They are a foundation for an amazing place.

Thanks all for your virtual hugs through the stratosphere. I assume you that each was needed and cherished.

This was not called the "year of war" for nothing......... the hardest war we fight is with ourselves, and in the end perhaps this is the only war we will fight.

We are all old......... too old for this world now. We should have been Home and enjoying a life rich in love and laughter and harmony (and chocolate) millennia ago. But, for reasons beyond our full understanding at this time, we're not.......... we're here. We do what we must, and know that it makes it so much easier to have each other standing with us again, even if not physically.

Az

Ashtart wrote:

Raz, you've sort of inferred that there was some "purpose" in your falling before. Wonder what you have planned, exactly.

well, Ash, i honestly wish i knew, heheh... all i really know is that things happened that way "for a reason", like something in the future hinged on that happening to us, or at least me in just that way. =3

Ash, I know exactly what you mean. I also know what you mean about the Universe poking you hehe.
But yeah, I've also felt old beyond my years. I feel so tired now. I can feel all the stirrings and I'm feeling increasing pressure to do whatever I'm supposed to do, and stress, and doubt, and fear. It's getting overwhelming. I just want it to be done already. I want a vacation, a real one. Better yet, can I just go Home? Not yet though, not yet...

I know the tiredness of which you all speak. I'm only 19 in this life and I often desire the embrace of death, of the very thing over which I rule... It never comes. I feel like I don't belong here, and I feel like I've been here for far too long and that I've just had enough. I've told myself that if certain, very specific events come to pass, that I would commit suicide because if those events came to pass, I would have almost nothing left. But the truth is that I don't think I would do it. I... just don't think I would do it. In any case, I don't consider myself suicidal, but I still wish that I could go back home... to my TRUE home, just as you all do...

But unfortunately, it looks like we're needed here for SOMETHING, ao we're just gonna have to stick around a while longer and keep each other as relatively sane as we can. =)

~Melari

I had a friend once his name was flit! The kindest most gentlest person on this whole wide world but he like you felt that he didn't belong because as Alhazred has stated his stance on dealing with being androgynous flit was bi-gender also and all his relationships had failed miserably! The saddest thing that happened next is that he took his own life simply because he couldn't stand the rejection anymore! He just gave up and it crushed me and those who were near and dear to him!

But please realize this that the only one that has control of any situation that brings about loss of hope and finding a fulfilling life is you and only you!

Please find solace that we all here are for and with you!

Search for more here for we all have something to share and care with.

Ouza

Never forget to love yourself, forgive yourself, trust yourself and to look within.

This was a big turning point energetically(solar eclipse).... its quite fascinating hearing you guys talk about experiencing the same things as all the other communities that I am part of(that you guy probably dont even know about!). Its a nice confirmation for all of us.

Oddly enough though, I feel the opposite of tired now. I feel as if I have gotten my second wind. None of you are alone in the astral, you all have guides and your higher self that can guide you.

Ash it sounds like you are on the right track, fallowing the signs. keep it up guys! We got this!

That being said I think you would all be interested in these youtube users:
beacon4lightworkers
makalesi
ascensionpioneers
inspiritchannel
dero7
leija turunen
jelaila9
felipesparx29

Go to which ever your guided to watch. These people all have a unique perspective about what is going on. A lot of them parallel a lot of your guy's ideas. Its a lot of video, so I would recommend picking one user for the week, or the month.

Oh and jessicamystic1

Sagehawk,

Thanks for the vote of confidence I checked out the first user yesterday and then messaged her about how to create a show like hers. She linked me back to blogtalkradio.com . I decided to start a web radio show about my communications with godforms etc. on that website.