I'm sure many others experience this kind of difficulty...
I simply don't understand why my relationships with other angels/kin haven't worked out. You'd think that two similar beings with so much in common would get on splendidly, but it's just not the case. Maybe the upheaval of slowly discovering your true self is too much for a relationship to handle when both parties are experiencing it simultaneously? That's the conclusion I've really come to.
My "first" love is an angel. He helped me discover so much about myself. I wouldn't be who I am without him. He's a wonderful, strong being - though now lost in humanity. Sadly, we are no longer on speaking terms. Even when our relationship ended, I never wanted to lose his friendship, nor his presence in my life. We remained friends for a good while afterwards, but soon had a big clash and have scarcely spoken since. That was 4 years ago.
The second...I don't know what he is. When fear and anger were predominant in my perception of him, I used to think him insane. Looking back with the knowledge I have now, I know he is something else. I don't think he's angelic...but something else, or a combination, that I can't really put my finger on. He, too, was a great man...but lost in humanity, lost in himself, lashing out towards me - when all I required of him were very simple, basic things. A complete failure as a father, he is.
The third...we were never officially an item, as you would say. We met at similar points in our life, shared ancient memories and experiences, but his life-situation separated us, and we never really had a chance to "be." We're still friends, still speak online from time to time. But I haven't seen him in nearly a year. And I will probably always wonder, "what if?" Even though I don't really believe us to be meant for a relationship....but maybe I just tell myself that so I can move on with my life, unhindered?
The man I'm about to marry is...quite young, speaking towards the age of his soul. I quite rather feel like a "cradle robber" of sorts.
I feel he has untapped potential, but that isn't my concern. He is loyal, perhaps to a fault. He is simple and uncomplicated. He communicates, mostly. He loves my daughter as his own. He requires some guidance and reminding of things, but he puts me first - and that is something I greatly need.
One thing I've found to be true in my relationships is that no sex with any human can compare to that of with someone you share a past with, who is like you at the core. Another thing I've discovered about myself is that if I am not kept "satisfied" in a relationship, I will instinctively seek out that satisfaction. As we all know, that's not something that is well thought of among humans. But, I feel that wherever I came from...it was normal. "Partners" or whatever it's called ALWAYS met the satisfaction of the other. And whenever there was refusal to, it was acceptable for the one denied to seek out their satisfaction with another, though still belonging to their partner...if that makes any sense. It's been difficult for me to adjust my way of thinking to how it is now. I even had this happen to me. The second man I spoke of did this to me...it's not that I was unwilling to satisfy (he turned me away most of the time), it was simply that I didn't have male genitalia. It seems he became "bi-curious" and sought out a man to have an affair with. After all of the turmoil and struggle and abuse he'd put me and our daughter through, I took it as my escape out and gladly took it. In my book, according to my old standards of my former home, I was free to leave. Though, I did have to fight for it. He traded his custody of my daughter for my car.
As I have rambled on greatly (and all the while grateful to be able to finally speak freely to someone), I am interested in the relationship experiences of other people here. I know there must be more who have met difficulty, not necessarily the oddities of my experiences.
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Thu Jun 14, 2012 10:16 am
