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Join date : 2010-02-05

ARCHIVE: Some thoughts Empty
PostSubject: ARCHIVE: Some thoughts   ARCHIVE: Some thoughts EmptySun Oct 17, 2010 4:28 pm

By Faddewr Jul 28 2008 -

I hate reading.

Don't get me wrong, I love the written word, and the written arts; but due to the past few years of m life, reading has become less of a pleasure and more a burden.

I'll skip the emotional trauma-based bullcrap that got me into reading religion, magic and philosophy, so here's the uber-condensed version:

Somebody died.

So, in a childish attempt to regain control over what was a universe that I harshly and brutally realized was far beyond my tiny, ignorant, weak, simple mind.

I began with Satanism, and thought it seemed legit.
I got into psionics, and thought it seemed legit.
I got into various forms of mysticism, and thought it seemed legit.
I got into various forms of religion, and thought it seemed legit.

Along with all that, I got into other things. Conspiracy theories, aliens, and other five-dollar phenmenon.

And so, here I am, seven to eight years later. A little older, a little bigger, a little hairier, but none the wiser.

And as I gaze upon my personal library of books that offer deeper understandings of Wicca, satanism, ancient Celtic magick, psychic powers, the soul and how to become a better person, I can steadily feel the bile rise up in my throat.

How much money have I wasted on all this nonsense? I shiver at the thought.

To read something, you must have faith in it. And call me a doubting Thomas, or a blatant idiot, but what you read in books isn't real. Whether you're reading Jean Paul Sartre's "Being and Nothingness", Camus's "L'Etrange", a holy scripture, or some popular fiction:

It just ain't real.

I refuse to read the last Harry Potter book for that very reason. And because I feel that the quality deteriorates with the length of the series.

And don't even get me started in manga and comic books.

So there, you go; the ramblings of a selfish Nihilist.

Speaking your mind is an easy way to lose allies.


By Universal Traveler Jul 29 2008 -

QUOTE (Faddewr @ Jul 28 2008, 11:55 PM)
"I hate reading.


Somebody died.



And so, here I am, seven to eight years later. A little older, a little bigger, a little hairier, but none the wiser.




To read something, you must have faith in it. And call me a doubting Thomas, or a blatant idiot, but what you read in books isn't real.

So there, you go; the ramblings of a selfish Nihilist.

Speaking your mind is an easy way to lose allies."

I highlighted the things that stood out to me in your interesting post!
Your last line made me smirk as it is also very brave to 'undress' yourself like that!
There is always danger of loss in speaking your mind, that's for sure, but it also could lead you to where you want to be, the essence of things and perhaps people.
Meaning, at least you know what or who you are dealing with.
That might make some people value you more than you might think at first.

To say that you hate reading is a very strong statement, especially when you almost contradict yourself when you say that you enjoy the art of writing itself.
But then again I know this kind of contradiction too well I'm afraid...

Loosing someone at a young age can be very devastating and make you look allover and outside yourself for answers and I do agree with you that they can not be found there.
Not in religion, not in philosophy, not in new age, not in satanism, ...
So I can imagine you waking up from your search, staying behind empty handed and none the wiser.
I think this to be a very crucial point in one's life!
Almost like a turning point... either you become a nihilist or you reverse the search and start looking deep within... scary adventure I do admit, more scary than the one outside yourself... but nevertheless, fascinating...
KNOW THYSELF...

This struck me with surprise most of all : 'To read something, you must have faith in it. ....., but what you read in books isn't real.'
To read somthing you must have faith in it...this made me instantly have the following thought...do you apply this to everything in your life?
And of course, what you read in books is not real, why should it be?
What you read in books is the writer's personal interpretation of the truth, his or her personal truth and beliefs... either you can find yourself in them or you don't but REAL it never is.
But that observation never made me stop reading, it does make me wonder what or what not to read and be more crititical.

There is quite a difference between 'to believe in nothing' and 'to be yourself, you must have faith in yourself.'
It depends of course what you want out of life.... do you wish to strip yourself from everything and find yourself in nothingness or find yourself by looking within...
For myself, I believe there are two options
Nothing
or
Your Self
I've tried both ways and the first one was not very appealing to me, the second one isn't any easier but ... work in progress ...

Great post you wrote, Faddewr, you gave me lots of food for thought...


By Azaz'el Jul 30 2008 -

QUOTE (Faddewr @ Jul 29 2008, 01:55 AM)
"Speaking your mind is an easy way to lose allies."

I agree totally with this sentence. It is something I have done now for most of my adult life and I have lost a good many people I considered as close friends, allies, family and even Kin. I have always walked my own talk and been true to my own integrity and beliefs and will not compromise my souls purpose at all. And I have made enemies and lost those who claimed to walk the same path.

In the end I am a better person for walking my talk, for being true to myself and to my cause. And I have found family, Kin and friends that I trust with my very existence. So being open, honest and true can be a painful experience, but for me it has been worth it.

Az


By Faddewr Aug 8 2008 -

More thoughts. But screw it.


By Faddewr Sep 17 2008 -

Why is it that sometimes you only realize the point of your experiences when it dawns on you that your experiences could have been as imaginary as a soup sandwich?

Perhaps it has something to do with the unconscious, or possibly even genetic analysis of our experiences, imaginary or not, so as to gain information crucial to our survival.

Physically and mentally.

And as some of you know, that's been happening to me quite recently; for now is a time to examine my health on both the physical and mental levels.

I had a blood sample taken to be tested, and the results should be back soon.


By Ishtahar Sep 17 2008 -

I wish you the best of luck my friend. The journey to health is as hard as any other.

I hope that you find out what is wrong with you or, hopefully that nothing is wrong at all.

In the meantime I shall go and make a soup sandwich.

Ish


By Faddewr Sep 28 2008 -

Alright I'm pissed off.

And it's the worst kind, the kind that doesn't make it clear what you're pissed off at; the kind you get when you wake up from a semi-coherent lucid dream in which you've had an epileptic seizure even though you worry about it enough in your waking hours.

Don't argue that it's a trivial thing, because it isn't.

This is my frickin' BRAIN. The center where everything is processed and analyzed. Where my whole life is stored.

Or at least, parts of it. Pieces of it are disappearing.

Now there's a very likely possibility that everything that I have called "paranormal" or "supernatural" was nothing but a neuron firing off-cue.

Or some deep psychological anomaly that even I wasn't aware of.

Whatever the cause, whatever is more likely, the fact still stands that my beliefs are at the stake.

Perhaps this is an anger similar to what the Huguenots might've felt before that ###### Cardinal Richelieu mercilessly slaughtered them.

But what can I do?

I went to those doctors because I knew something wasn't right; and backing out now would be like backing out halfway from treating a tumor.

I could dispose of this anger, but the affliction would only get heavier.


By Ishtahar Sep 28 2008 -

There is no way that this could be called a trivial thing hun. The very fact that it is upsetting you so much makes it significant and important.

I cant say that I understand how you feel because I have never been in that position myself. However I can say that I understand the confusion and the fear that what you thought was real, what you believe to be true might not be.

How can any of us ever be sure that what we believe is true. Maybe we all have misfiring neurons... maybe we are just fooling ourselves, maybe we are imagining things...

The fear is always there, it never goes away. What if none of this is real? What if I have been a fool? What if the 'memories' are nothing more than fantasy?

What if there is no Ishtahar, no Semeyaza, No Azaz'el, at least not any more? What if I am just a sad lonely woman, waiting for an angel who will never come?

All of life's obstacles are tests, battles to be won or lost and fear is one of them. It is alright to be afraid... it is natural and it is good, without fear there is nothing to make you hold back, take stock and evaluate. Just dont let yourself be paralysed by it.

The only way you can tell if your beleifs are true is the only way that any of us can tell if our beliefs are true.... you have to follow your heart hun, and if your heart tells you that what you see and experience and believe is true then there is no doctor in the world.... no being in the world who has the right or ability to tell you that you are wrong.

Not even the most knowledgable and talented doctor in the world knows everything about the human brain.... not even a fraction of it.. They can, at best, tell you what they think. Even if seizures are causing you to see and feel things who is to say that what they are causing you to see and feel is false... maybe they are even more true... only you can know, only you can judge....

Don't be afraid. This is a test and you can bear it. Whatever happens at the end you have friends here who will accept you for who you are.

Blessings
Ishtahar


By Azaz'el Sep 28 2008 -

I'm not sure if there is anything I cxan say that Ish hasn't said in a more elequant and descriptive way. My focus is addled at the moment as I have ahorrible head cold and so can't really focus on anything that makes some kind of sense.

What I can say is that to question what is real, what is fake, what is mystery, what is fantasy.......... all of that, is the only thing that can keep your feet on the ground and get you through this life. If you don't question, don't doubt and worry and look for concrete answers and only find faint whispering in the wind, then the ego takes over and we can then become lost in our own imaginary world of superiority.

To question and doubt is natural and to be experiencing what you are, my friend, and not have doubts would be nigh on impossible. It is ok to be angry, it is ok to be unhappy and feel as if you are being dealt a crap hand.......... so do as you are doing and channel and direct that anger and energy into the places it needs to be. Come through this with greater understanding about yourself, about your health, about your friends, and you will then also learn more about what is your own truth.

You have friends here, even though we have never met you. If you need any of the limited help we can offer, just ask....

Az


By Faddewr Oct 23 2008 -

http://agent-of-chaos.deviantart.com/art/Danny-Boy-101500058
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