Lottery

On Friday, I was told by my guides, all of them, to go to a certain store, and buy a lottery ticket. They said that by the end of that day, I would have a great deal of money. It seemed to line up, as the drawing for that particular lottery turned out to be the same night, an hour before midnight. Also, I had had a dream the night before, in which I was trying to get money from a modified ATM, but could not remember the correct numbers to access my account. "I don't know the right numbers" was the thought I was left with on waking, and the more I thought about that dream, the more it seemed that machine looked more like one for lottery tickets, than an ATM. This also seemed to line up with their telling me to get a computer-generated ticket, rather than attempting to choose the numbers myself.

That night, before the drawing, a friend invited me to his birthday party, which went late enough for me to sleep there. The next day, I went directly from there to work, then heard another friend was celebrating her birthday that evening. So, I went to the bar with her and a group of mutual friends, directly after work. All day, I was being told I had won, though these events prevented me from checking the results of the lottery. When I got breakfast, then at the bar, I was told it did not matter how much I spent, that I could live it up if I wanted to, because I was now a millionaire. Still, I spent as little as possible, since my resources are so limited. Even though they had never given me reason to doubt them, I chose to wait and see, and celebrate when I knew for a fact I had reason to.

When I got home, I took a deep breath, and checked the numbers. Not a single one matched my ticket. Apparently I was being tested, and came through with flying colors, as I had trusted myself and the slight doubt I felt in what they were saying.

Still, they lied to me, and that hurt. I suppose I'm really writing this as a catharsis for that, since the fact that everyone lies sometimes is one of those things I feel juvenile for not having come to grips with until now. In some ways, I'm still very much a child, and one of those ways was the misguided expectation that there are some people who can be trusted implicitly. I understand now that nothing, and no one, is ever completely true. Lying does not automatically make someone bad, just fallible, and everyone is fallible to a certain degree. It's never black and white: like the yin yang displays, there is always a spot of darkness in light, and light in darkness, and that can be found in the greatest of extremes.

I see now, as well, that no matter how much I don't want to lie to myself anymore, I still do, and that's okay. I kept wanting to believe them (who doesn't want to believe they don't have to worry about money anymore?) but deep down knew it would be foolish to spend what I didn't know for a fact I had. I opted to wait and see, and not run irresponsibly with ideas planted in my head. It seems, sometimes, great lessons on the nature of trust can be taught by showing there are reasons not to. I trust them less now, but myself far more than I did before.

Why did they do that? Did they tell you?

I'm frustrated with the guides I have in relation to their advice on money, so I can really sympathize, I think. I returned to school and was nervous about what would happen after financial aid award money ran out, as it did some time ago. I keep "being told" that I need to stop trying to do everything myself, and at one point explicitly to believe in and pray for someone close to me, as he would get a financial boon and then share it with me. So I prayed and prayed and prayed and he did get several financial boons, and shared a bit with me, but not enough for me to rely on him.

It seems to me that it would have been easier for yours just not to mislead you. Why, if you know, would they go through the trouble of doing something like that? I wonder if that could help me understand mine better.

When I asked, they said it was a test, and they didn't like it either but it needed to be done. I like that even less. If they made a mistake, I hope they could admit to it. I've always had a tendency to turn the fault on myself instead of others, which I'm not doing here - I know I followed the directions I heard, and did what I was supposed to when they told me to do it - so maybe breaking that habit was part of it as well. I don't think it was a case of impostors... a little before Thanksgiving, I was given the impression I would be showered with money on the 26th. Like enough to buy a new car, or house, and more. Although then, they told me I would find it, which made no sense at all.

One thing that is interesting to me, though, is how freaked I was over the idea of that much money all at once. It gave me a chance to think really in-depth about that, and it felt like a bigger responsibility than having to manage every dollar. I was actually kind of relieved to find out they were wrong, on that end, although some kind of safety-net would be nice. I spent that day reassuring myself I wouldn't have to change any of my spending habits if I didn't want to, realizing I really would rather walk than have a car again, and that I have a job I would actually stay on through the busy season, because I care about the people I work with, and they need me. Plus, someone I met at that bar observed, after chatting for a while, that I have a lot of self-respect. I'd like to say I still would have stopped after two beers, based on how I felt and having drank the night before as well, if it didn't matter what kind of a tab I ran up or whether I'd have to take a cab home. But I doubt it.

Thanks for asking. The more I think about why, and observe what I realized in the process, the more method I'm finding in the madness. I get the feeling I (and probably a lot of us) are going to need to learn to live essentially without money, while not borrowing from or being beholden to anyone else, so maybe these realizations are part of that.

At the risk of being slapped here, perhaps part of the reason for you being given this test was to come to the understanding that you have now? Whilst I agree that it was a cruel and difficult one to face, maybe the positive side to it will, in time, outweigh the negative emotions and trust issues that this brought to the fore.

In the end, anything that we are given has to be looked at with the cold clear eyes of logic and personal experience. I was 'told' that October would be a month that would change my life for years to come. It didn't. Or at least so far the are no signs that October was any different to any other month. Why was I told this? Perhaps it was to prove that the hand of the gods wouldn't stretch down to make things better for me and that I had to do it for myself. Who knows, as wi it all, time will tell.

They do say that personal gain is something that never comes to us through magic or spiritual work!! Hah!

Az

Az, I'm thinking that's exactly why this happened. Even sharing this may have been part of it, because in the past I would tend to brood in silence over such things, and those realizations only really came clear when I typed them out.

I'm wondering if there could be something set up for you to realize how perceptive your observations are, and that no one's ever mad at you for sharing them. This forum did a lot to help break me of that feeling, for which I'm profoundly grateful. It was a miserable way of live, half-expecting everyone to jump down my throat over the truth if I dared open my mouth.

I've found there were times something quite powerful seemed to be going on, which I was strangely oblivious to until much later. This especially happens when I'm expecting something to occur: I look so hard in the wrong direction, I miss what's actually happening, until something triggers my memory later. I was so hoping for some display of energy when I visited Stonehenge, in the first blush of my little Pagan phase, I didn't notice how it rained and hailed while I was on the grounds, and was perfectly clear immediately before and after. All I did then was grumble about lousy timing, and hope the rain didn't mess up my pictures! Getting them back and looking at them was what made me realize something had happened. Just had to throw that possibility out there.

Who says that?! With the exception of love and money spells, I hope they realize how completely ridiculous that is!

I think one of the main things that comes from this is that sometimes things happen but we dont realise what happened until we look back.

That is why writing things down can be important, becasue we crystalise what happened so we can look at it from different angles and realse that maybe there was a different truth in it

Az, you were looking for something to happen in October. You were looking for some great lifechanging event and maybe you missed the little thing that will change your life forever.

Scratch you were looking to win the lottery but maybe by putting that trust in your guides and yourself you have won something else which is not yet apparent.

I think the truth that our guides do not always tell the truth, or not tell it in the way we think or expect is a huge lesson to learn but one that is important when we need to filter our own truth out of lots of different truths.

Who knows

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Even sharing this may have been part of it, because in the past I would tend to brood in silence over such things, and those realizations only really came clear when I typed them out.

I can see that... that happened to me when I wrote that last post actually. It was as if writing to you all about the frustrations actually helped make clear in my mind "what I was doing wrong" (which was not trusting and believing in people, wanting to believe in the Universe and in the message but not in the people involved in fulfilling the message... it was a jarring realization to come to...)

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At the risk of being slapped here, perhaps part of the reason for you being given this test was to come to the understanding that you have now?

::special wrestling move - love piledriver... terrible hugs!!::

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I'm wondering if there could be something set up for you to realize how perceptive your observations are, and that no one's ever mad at you for sharing them. Wink

I agree with this comment

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I've found there were times something quite powerful seemed to be going on, which I was strangely oblivious to until much later. This especially happens when I'm expecting something to occur: I look so hard in the wrong direction, I miss what's actually happening

I've had this experience a ton of times. It's hard to find the delicate balance between expectation that allows things to happen to you and expectation that prevents things from happening to you. I guess part of the key is keeping an open mind... like expecting your wishes to be fulfilled but not looking for something *particular* to happen to make that true.

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Who says that?! With the exception of love and money spells, I hope they realize how completely ridiculous that is!

Couldn't agree any more than I do right now