Again

Here I am again. Lost. Fallen. At once mighty, now laid low by my own choices. My own faults. My wrathful nature caused my Fall. I am not Grigori. And here, once again, in this life, my damnable nature rules me. My rage, my wrath, tear apart all that I love, all that I am. No matter how many times I live, it seems I'll never get this thing right. I'll never be able to earn my way back into the light. When one loses his mind, how does one find it when his mind is required for the search?

I, am Tzaqi'el. Angel of Wrath. Angel of Retribution. Warrior of the Throne, commander of legions. Cast out for attacking the Seven, before the Throne itself. The arrogant fools presumed to give me an order that I would not follow, an order they KNEW would enrage me. So, here I am. Cursed to live in flesh til I finally learn to conquer my own rage. Thousands of years are not enough it seems to harness this base emotion. Thousands of years I've wandered, lost and alone within this world of endless chaos, seeking a way to control the fires that burn within my heart, that have burnt there since its ignition. No waters can douse these flames. Winds only buffet them, making them stronger. My hatred for myself only increases with my hatred for my inability to control my own mind, and with that so too does increase my hatred for humanity.


In any event, here is your introduction.
Sela.

Greetings, Tzaqi'el.

my name is Razi'el, and i am one of the moderators of this forum, and our goal here is to help whoever we can, however we can. if you seek knowledge about yourself, you have come to the right place, and on behalf of the forum, let me be one of the first to welcome you here.

i have faced anger issues myself, so perhaps i can help you, somehow, and i would love to hear your story!

best wishes, and be well,
Razi'el

Greetings Tzaqi'el and welcome to the forum.

It's always a pleasure to have new members and being Shadow you are welcome, regardless of your rank or the reasons for your Fall, this forum is a place for us all to share, listen, learn, re-evaluate and grow. The pain of the Fall is at least a common area we can begin upon, and the life we now lead in human form.

As you read through the past and current threads and posts I hope you will find a familiarity here and feel able to join in or to create new threads. All we ask is that all member respect the views and opinions of others... no one here has all the answers and acceptance is just as important as sharing, as I'm sure you know well.

Welcome,

Azaz'el

Welcome Tzaqi'el,

I am Gypsy... your story sounds very interesting and like Az and Razi'el I would love to hear it. Please do not hesitate to ask any questions. Take care and be well

Welcome Tzaqi'el,

Increasingly, I am coming to acknowledge my own consuming rage and hatred, so, I think I can say that I understand - fully - how difficult it can be to move towards healing and wholeness. I think it can be done. ....Well, actually, I'm not sure yet. Surely, at the least, it should be possible to transmute rage and pain into something that you can use, as opposed to letting it be something that uses you.

Selah,

Dream'sEnd

Strange, I haven't had so much of a problem with rage, sorrow is my things although don't get me wrong I have raged too.

Welcome, dear. Lay down your anger at the door and relax among your friends. Chill.. have a beer... don't eat all the cake.

Welcome to the forum!

I was once one of the many lieutenants of a great and powerful being called Kamael. Kamael presides over what some mortals know as the Sphere of Geburah. An Arch angel himself, he rules such things as anger, fire, war, battles, and many things related to such subjects. He was also the one sent to remove the first humans from their paradise. It is the place of many Shadow to preside over the activities of mortals. War, learning, loving, hating, building, teaching, all things have an entity attached to it to be certain that the rules of the universe are obeyed as set forth by the Source. The source its self does naught but watch. Naught but listen. It isnt even aware of itself. I and those under my command were such beings. We were to watch over battlefields and those upon them. We were to watch over the families of those slain upon such battlefields. We directed the development of weapons as directed by Azaz'el. All things concerning war were our domain. I was the rage that allowed a man to fight on when he had no fight left in him. I was the sword that thrust itself into the heart of the weak. I was the invisible strength that every man possesses, but has no knowledge of until desperate situations call that strength forth. I was these, and many other indescribable things. 4,278 years ago, I was bid by the Seven, as well as the council to take my men and preside over the destruction of a great many people, young, old, weak, strong, guilty, innocent. I refused this order. I would not take part in it. I was named a coward by two of the Seven for my refusal. My voice rose, and so too did the flames of my anger. The details are unimportant, what is however, is that I ran my blade into the heart of Phanuel as he, in anger struck me. For this act, I was hurled, without warning, into an already matured mortal body. A sick mockery of my previous one. From that day on, I have lived and died throughout 400 generations. For four thousand years I have lived with the knowledge of who and what I am, though memories of each life are vague at best. I have been reading, I heard your call and now, I am here.

Zaq.

Quote :

Strange, I haven't had so much of a problem with rage, sorrow is my things

To Ish: Interestingly, it seems that sorrow lies beneath the rage, in my case at least. I guess the anger comes at sorrow x 100. If I can grieve just a *little* bit less, then I am less angry....


To Zaq: Thank you for sharing your tale. There were many themes there with which I think we all can identify: being punished for standing our ground or fighting for a just cause, for one. The pain of suddenly knowing ourselves as "other" than we have been, for two. Having a set, known purpose that then becomes irrelevant or out-of-place... in new and strange times... for three. While some things have changed, with them, the Seven, many things have stayed the same. How they will react to us as we rise and step forward I do not know, and I do not care. All I care about is everyone coming together to be healed and reacquainted again.

You are home now... as Ishtahar says, relax, we are all friends here.

Dream'sEnd

We have to know where we have come from in order to know where we are going. Yet it is also important to take what was important from our past, and allow all the pain and horror and torment transmute this into wisdom, drive and purpose. Whilst I am well aware of Geburah, it is but one of many places that we inhabited and worked with, and it is now time to use that enegy, that drive, and make it work for us, rather than allow it make us work. But that, as with everything, is always far easier said whilst sitting in front of a computer than doing in the 'real' world.

The lives you have lived, the courage you have shown, the knowledge gained, can now all become the wisdom to guide and to unite. You know you can do this, Zaq, once the pain of what was done to you is overcome. We all have the anger and the passion, yet we must all learn to use this for the right reasons, turn it into drive, ambition and purpose.

The Seven have changed, they did before your Fall, they did after your Fall, they used their authority for political means and for power. Perhaps one day the original Seven will regroup and bring an end to the dsharmony that has plagued our Race and impacted upon this planet, all Races and the Universe. I hope to see that day. Until then, we gather, regroup, share and evolve in this Human form, and unite with the other Races, as we should have done from day one.

I am pleased you have heard the call and returned to us. There are many still missing, many too afraid to leave their 'normal' lives and accept what they feel, and some who are still confused over what it means and fall foul of ego and power. I hope that you can find a way to channel your power and energy to one of construction, and not allow what was done to you to throw chaos into your life.

Az