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Scratch

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PostSubject: How is everyone?   How is everyone? EmptyTue Jan 18, 2011 3:50 am

These past two days I've been feeling very strange, and just wanted to check up on everyone else. Especially since the girl I live with (who I suspect of being some kind of Other as well) said she's been feeling much the same as me: headachy, icky, and just wanting to sleep.

My energy has been down to absolute zero. Yesterday, I was laid up the entire day. Any time I even thought of going out, even just for a short walk to help energize me, I'd feel light-headed and want to lie down again. I watched several movies (The Celestine Prophecy was kind of old news by this point, but still nice) read a lot, ate, and couldn't even think about doing anything more strenuous than that.

I'd had a strange dream the night before, very vivid and rather demented. Towards the end of it, I kept getting "pushed," through intense embarrassment, while surrounded by people I knew in high school. The emotion turned into something volatile, until I lost control and "went Akira." All the rage and hurt I was feeling exploded out of me in tangible energy; I was just sitting there, but felt myself crack and split down the middle, and my life force exploded outwards. When that happened, my perspective suddenly snapped to 3rd person, so I was watching myself. I either blacked out in the dream or woke up at that point, because the last thing I saw was this shock-wave radiating out of me like a scream. It in itself was invisible, but distorted everything it touched, waving and bending flesh, concrete, and air. The last thing I remember was fear that it wouldn't actually do anything, that what I felt wasn't real, and the concern I've carried about hurting someone if I ever did this had no basis in reality.

When I did wake up, I couldn't move. I've never felt so drained. Kurt (one of my spirit friends) was instantly there, started feeding me energy, then flashed an image of a happy fat kid in my mind. That confused me for a moment, until it connected he was telling me to not feel like a pig or worry about him, just guzzle down as much as I could (he has a weird sense of humor, and imagery). Doing so began to revive me from the numbness I felt.

Then, Dan appeared, and joked, "What was the point of me healing your heart, if you're going to do something like this to yourself?" That sense of being split down the middle was still there, now I was awake, and my chest felt very neatly, violently divided in two. He agreed that, whatever had happened, had still been lying in wait under the healing he'd done for me (I wrote about that in another thread, close to a year ago) and helped me put the pieces together again.

Last night, a third visited me, and expressed some concern that I wouldn't wake up again in the morning if I went to sleep. I asked him what he was talking about, and he did this nervous shy bobbing-away thing he does when he can't explain. I tried asking the others, and there was a rather grim silence all around. I was still feeling very off, and responded somewhere between not caring, not taking it seriously, and "f*** it, whatever." I ate a bunch of sugar cubes to satisfy a sudden, unbearable craving for sweets, read some more, then fell asleep.

All I remember about my dream last night was being pulled into a birthday party a Swedish guy was throwing for his girlfriend or sister; he had two women with him, and I can't remember which was which. I'd been at a "safe" friend's house earlier, filling my pockets with white stones for some reason, and ran into these people on my way home. He recognized me from something, was very glad to see me, and insisted I come with them to the party. There was something vaguely sinister about it I couldn't put my finger on, and I kept dreading when they would toast her at midnight, because I didn't want to drink or eat anything, and didn't think I'd be able to avoid taking a shot when that time rolled around. At one point I saw one of my best friends from high school there, who had a huge hand in my dream the night before. She looked distinctly older this time: her face was lined, as if something had aged her in a way she resented. She gave me a long hard stare when I said hi, almost smiling, but not, in a way that gave me chills, then turned her back and pointedly started talking to someone else. Thinking about it now, it seems significant that my actual friend had brown eyes, but they were blue here. I started wondering then what I was doing there, and why I was bothering to stick around a place I didn't particularly want to be.

The dream ended abruptly after that, before that midnight toast had a chance to happen. I don't know what went on for the rest of the time I was asleep, but have a vague impression of some kind of tug-of-war, of being pushed and pulled in a lot of different directions in the dark. When I woke up, my stomach hurt as if I had been stabbed on the right side, and I felt completely exhausted. I have no idea where that pain came from, but it was terrible, and it took a long time for me to get up simply to go to the bathroom. I stayed awake for a little while, reading to take my mind off things and waiting for the ache to go away, then fell asleep again. I had some other vivid but benign dream with a lot of people I can't remember now, but that was weird because I kept waking up to roll over, then falling back asleep, and it continued unbroken through that process. I finally woke up at 4:20 in the afternoon, with that pain almost completely gone, and feeling almost like myself again.

However, apparently there was a fight in the part I can't remember last night, and my guy that warned me before I slept isn't there anymore. I asked the others what happened, and the clearest it got was "they" "found him out" while he was protecting me, and "took him away." "They" are presumably who was trying to trap me or whatever in that dream party, and caused that pain in my side. I think he's still alive, or on some plane of existence (it's tricky finding terms for someone who, as far as I know, has never been mortal in the first place) but no one seems to know where they've taken him. He only first showed up a few months ago, but I'm very upset, to say the least. Excuse me, while I go vent my emotions in a way that won't result in a broken laptop.

This is one of those times I'm really glad for the forum, so there's someplace I can set this kind of stuff down to get it out of my head. Hope you all are doing better than this.
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Ashtart

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PostSubject: Re: How is everyone?   How is everyone? EmptyTue Jan 18, 2011 7:32 am

Well, in some ways I'm having a similar experience but in the real world as opposed to the dream world... I feel like people have been "pushing" me and pushing me... in a way that used to say "Hey, stop having so much compassion for people." Now, it seems to be saying, "Hey, don't be afraid to hurt people (with your mind/energy/etc.) especially the ones that NEED to be hurt." I've had the same sort of resistance to letting my "true self" out, because I fear harming others energetically... but now, it seems, there is a lot of "cracking" everywhere, and the time of caution is over.

I've been EXTREMELY almost unbearably exhausted recently too... like there's a deep weariness that I can't sleep away no matter how deeply or long... I tried taking a bath the other day and it was still there.

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Ousa

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PostSubject: Re: How is everyone?   How is everyone? EmptyTue Jan 18, 2011 1:25 pm

"You don't get harmony when everybody sings the same note."

We Oldsters have a word for this one, its called ...

"Melancholy "


A bitter sweet side effect that, is like unto being pushed off the to wayside and not truly being able to see the light of day!

~ Perspective

Ouza

The soul would have no rainbow had the eyes no tears.
Author: John Vance Cheney


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Ousa

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PostSubject: Re: How is everyone?   How is everyone? EmptyTue Jan 18, 2011 1:42 pm

If you can accept this and I hope you will this will be an analogy of sorts to describe whats happening to us all right now.

Remember "A Christmas Carol" by Charles Dickens. In order to move forward we must review things as they were, things as they are and also those things that will be. We are purging ourselves of our old natures and they are not giving up so easily. This is a purification cycle that we all are currently going through. A Purge so to speak that must and I mean must be taken by all, in order to move forward to the next level of being. It isn't going to be pretty nor easy but it is definitely a necessary step.... it's a detox of the old making way for the new!!!

Ouza
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Azaz'el
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PostSubject: Re: How is everyone?   How is everyone? EmptyTue Jan 18, 2011 10:43 pm

I don't want to sound like a stuck record and keep harping on about my recent ill health, but apart from the voice issues, the biggest problem I have no is exhaustion......... there are times when even getting up from a chair and making a coffee or visiting the bathroom drains me beyond belief. So I can understand where you are coming from.

My dreams have been very quiet of late, apart from a strange night of delerium during the flu when I had to find 4 parts of a machine and ended up being the machine myself.... it was odd!

I am facing right now the conflict between trying to be nice to people who behave very negatively to me, or to let rip and let them have all of my anger and frustration. The reason why I should be nice is because it is with people I work with, and I don't want to lose my job.... and I'm back there tomorrow! I don't have the energy to fight anymore, yet feel as if I have to make a stand.... hmmmmm ..... even thinking drains me at times!!!

Az

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Scratch

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PostSubject: Re: How is everyone?   How is everyone? EmptyTue Jan 18, 2011 11:36 pm

Maybe there is a middle ground you can find between being nice and letting them have it, Az. There's a trick I've learned, for dealing with ignorant bitchy co-workers and customers without going crazy, that I call being "dangerously polite." I say the words they want to hear, in a calm, reasonable tone, but the force behind them is as if I am saying what I would like to say to them. When done right, it puts them in their place, but not in any way they can point fingers at you. You no longer have to carry the bad feeling inside, because you haven't actually had to hold anything in. When done wrong, you end up doing what it sounds like you're doing anyway, but don't get in any trouble at least. It takes a little practice, but I'm sure you can do it. It made saying "I'm very happy for you, sir" to an irate customer, spouting off about how much money he supposedly spent at Walmart every month, after I politely pointed out how "get batteries" wasn't enough info for me to do what he asked, into one of the most amusing moments I experienced working in that store.

I like the idea of that dream, and you're not harping. I think I can speak for everyone in saying we welcome updates on how you're doing... it was very alarming to suddenly hear how bad it had gotten! We care, and want to know.

I can see what you mean, Ouza. In the process of writing that, and the long walk I took after, I started to see some of the reasons that happened, and what it had done for me. Just before I got home, I remembered how, somewhere between figurative and literally, my vanished friend had given me a key, without telling me what it was to. Therefore, to my knowledge, it could unlock anything, and I wanted him back enough to open every door there was. It worked, and it's funny how completely unscary it is to have those doors all standing wide open, now.

I think you're right that the time for caution is over, Dream's. I'm sorry to hear you (and Az) are feeling so exhausted as well, and wish there was something we could do to bring our energy back up. I'm basically behaving as if I have the flu (Rosa, the girl I mentioned, stayed home today with a fever, so maybe there is a bug flying around) and I am not looking forward to work tomorrow. I guess all we can do is stay positive, both in the definitive and upbeat senses of the word. One of the things that was very helpful about watching The Celestine Prophecy (probably the reason someone was insisting I pick that one on Netflix) was how it said people need to give energy to others, instead of draining it, as we tend to do. If we give energy to someone or thing that gives it back, it increases. That does seem to be the only way energy isn't lost in transference, and being afraid of hurting someone is still holding it back, instead of sharing.
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Ashtart

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PostSubject: Re: How is everyone?   How is everyone? EmptyWed Jan 19, 2011 9:54 am

Quote :
I think I can speak for everyone in saying we welcome updates on how you're doing... it was very alarming to suddenly hear how bad it had gotten! We care, and want to know.

I concur. How is everyone? Care-bears3-231x300
Sharing is caring o_o



I'd forgotten that bit from the Celestine Prophecy, but that is one of the major things that I try to focus on when dealing with people... the good, the bad, all energy needs to be shared... it used to surprise me how much this is true. The times when not to "share" energy is when, like that movie/book said, you're actually trying to steal energy from someone (like laying a guilt trip or a "poor me" situation that doesn't resolve until people feed you energy and feel drained). But if you don't feel "hungry" for energy, sharing (is caring) is totally needed, it seems to me too....

It also took me years to realize that, like you said, when you receive positive energy, the correct and needed response is to give positive energy back. I grew up around vampirism, as you know, and so I had thought that the right thing to do was just to "eat" the energy and not reciprocate, or that if you do reciprocate you'll get drained (like with a emotional vampire...)... when I realized that I can give energy back to someone who's giving energy to me and not only *not* feel drained but feel even more abundance, it shifted... well... i guess my view of the world at large =)

The Celestine Prophecy was one of those books (if not *the* book) that changed my life and got me thinking about the energy of the people around us, beyond what I could see and sense for myself. Synchronicities, and everything, it made everything for me make sense at the age of ... 12... or 16... whenever it was. But I agree that it is old news by now.
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Razi'el
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PostSubject: Re: How is everyone?   How is everyone? EmptyWed Jan 19, 2011 5:24 pm

'm sorry to hear about the ill state of affairs for you three, in a way, i'm facing a sort of set of trials myself, but legally, and being faced with my boyfriend telling me things bluntly and without remorse. it wasn't a pretty conversation, but it needed to be said, y'know?

i've never seen, or even heard, really, of the Celestine Prophecy, so i can't really get the reference, but i understand the concept. it seems a bit like a kind of food in a fantasy novel i once read; fairy bread, the more you share it around, the longer the provisions seem to last.

now, on the subject of dreams, i haven't really been able to remember much of mine, the only thing i can really glean is of wandering through empty palace-like rooms, with bright sunlight around. other than that, there's not much i can say.
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Azaz'el
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PostSubject: Re: How is everyone?   How is everyone? EmptyThu Jan 20, 2011 7:17 pm

If you follow the theory that many believe in, then the rooms could represent different aspects of yourself.......... so perhaps right now you are empty and lacking in anything that makes you feel at home, wanted, at rest. Empty rooms can show that you've not allowed yourselt to unpack and fill them with what it means to be you.

Az

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Veil

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PostSubject: Re: How is everyone?   How is everyone? EmptySun Jan 23, 2011 4:28 am

Sorry to hear that others have been feeling ill, and must say I do relate. I had an ongoing case of laryngitis (over a month), and I have this continuous lethargy. I know some of it is circumstances, because I think I am looking at having to have foot surgery (maybe a stress fracture), and as my ex owes me money due to a loan we took out when we were together. Now I know his contract job has come to an end, so he's waiting on his tax return to be able to settle the debt. I'm looking for work closer to my family, since the only family I have here is my daughter, and my ex's parents.

Still, it's more than that. I'm able to keep up the nice facade at work, which is a requirement in my job, but my disposition feels very surly. If I'm hanging out with my daughter, I'm fine. On my own though, there's this unease, although my dreams have been calm. For me, dreams about houses have always been related to nightmares, at least until I taught myself to turn them off. Recently, the house dreams have been pleasant, but being awake is less so. It means I don't want to wake up in the morning, much less walk around.

I find the catlike part of me coming out more and more, which to me, is part of the djinn experience of being Kin. I do have the drive to work on my Kin project, which is something I haven't had for awhile. With the moving out of my ex, I lost my thumb drive containing my book work on a religious topic. I'm wondering now, if that wasn't for the best. Recent material has come to me, and it bears looking into. It's related, I just found out, to a post from 2009.

Sorry to ramble on, but we'll see what comes of it.
Veil
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Ousa

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PostSubject: Re: How is everyone?   How is everyone? EmptySun Jan 23, 2011 1:01 pm

Glad to hear from you and know that you are at least somewhat well physically, although I'm under the impression that spiritually you have changed quite considerably and that your perception of self is a lot more focused than ever before. I'm just thrilled and happy to see and hear you again! Missed you !!!


Ouza I love you
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Ashtart

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PostSubject: Re: How is everyone?   How is everyone? EmptySun Jan 23, 2011 1:33 pm

Hi there Veil,

Glad to "meet" you again, I missed you too! Sorry to hear about the life struggles... and the health issues...

Raz, sorry to hear about your troubles too... About the dream, it sounds kind of happy to me silent Though my primary dream-decoding barometer is "How did you feel during the dream?" Even something that can be a "nightmare" out of context can be a good dream, if the entire dream you felt jubilant, happy, free, etc. And "good" dreams out of context can be like nightmares if you felt trapped, pursued, sad, angry, etc.
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Veil

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PostSubject: Re: How is everyone?   How is everyone? EmptyMon Jan 24, 2011 9:12 pm

Thanks Ouza, and I'm really ok Dreams, just that is the place I'm coming from. I thought some background, might make some of my future posts more clear.

I do feel like I have more focus, now that the logistics of getting a new place, graduating, etc are done. The loss of the thumb drive was a kick in the stomach at first, but I'm ok with it. I think a lot of people would be devastated by that kind of loss, and maybe it's because I realized that the material wasn't something that most readers wouldn't find accessible, but I'm just more 'oh well'. I feel it's important that the information I write, be helpful, not just a catalog of X, Y, and Z.

I think that's why I am leaning more toward a Kin book, not the traditional pagan reads that have been on my bookshelves for years. I was part of a group for several years, that began publishing poetry, rituals, etc from members of the group on topics like Dionyssus, Hermes, etc. I think that someday, it would be interesting if such a thing were generated by a Kin group. Lupa included some of the information in her book of course, but it's still mainly from her own perspective. I loved the book, but it is also (by virtue of the author) about being a fuzzy Kin.

Raz, I'm like Dreams, in that the dream sounds good to me. Maybe not beneficial or helpful, but it possibly signifies the openness of yourself to put in new things. Az mentioned not yet unpacking, which could be it, but the fact your boyfriend is unloading things could play into it too. Your rooms are empty, but you have the light of knowledge, so now you need to figure out what should be kept in your rooms. It's a time for decisions, and if you do a journey, maybe you can follow the light to some specific place through your future dreams?

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PostSubject: Re: How is everyone?   How is everyone? EmptyThu Jan 27, 2011 5:03 pm

I haven't been feeling particularly lethargic, which is just as well as my world is literally coming down around my ears (water through the ceiling, flooding of the sink etc) but I have been having ridiculously vivid dreams. I mean I am 'there', In all of them I have been in mundane situations with people I know but they are all trying to tell me something.

I am sure that the house falling down around me is trying to tell me something as well but no amount of contemplation, meditation or frustration seems to give me the slightest clue as to what it is. I have even tried tarot readings but even they don't make any sense.... well apart from the washer at the ford being followed by death... something has to change but I don't know what
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PostSubject: Re: How is everyone?   How is everyone? EmptyThu Jan 27, 2011 5:49 pm

Maybe simply your location? Sorry to hear about the troubles, but somehow that strikes me as interesting they'll both water related.

I've been having very vivid, "real" dreams as well, that have been telling me a lot. Sometimes they sort themselves out long after I wake. I find it always helps to write about them, if one sticks in my head and I can't figure it out. Details and connections often come clear that way.
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PostSubject: Re: How is everyone?   How is everyone? EmptySun Feb 13, 2011 3:24 am

I hope everyone's doing better! Love to all of you either way!

I'm actually doing pretty darn good. I love my job. I have lots of opportunities to learn, grow, and advance. I like what I'm doing there, and my schedule is pretty flexible. I really like all my coworkers, we even all try to go out to the bar once a week! I'm happy and I'm feeling the desire to better myself physically, mentally, and spiritually. And I'm making an effort to get out and meet people and make friends (I don't know many people because I'm relatively new to the area).

But then there's my boyfriend, whom I live with, who is experiencing the opposite side of the coin. He hasn't been able to find a steady job in over a year, and is nearly broke, and super depressed, and I am paying for his part of the utilities, etc. And I'm sort of contemplating breaking up with him for other reasons as well... but yeah, I don't want to get into all of that. But at this point things could go either way with him.
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Ishtahar
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PostSubject: Re: How is everyone?   How is everyone? EmptySun Feb 13, 2011 1:59 pm

To be perfectly honest I am sick and tired of everything going to hell.

I have had a shit time with the house falling down around my ears and my health giving out on me just at the time when I hoped that things were looking up at last.

I spent what could have been an amazing weekend in pain and sadness and I have been there ever since.

To be honest I am starting to feel better but i am wondering... for how long. How long before it all goes to hell again.

To be fair I have a strong feeling that all this is happening for a reason. Someone is trying to tell me something but hard as I try I just can't work out what.
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