Many things; how I'm connected to the Fallen and Nephilim

My memories are still trickling in bit by bit. The dam that kept me blocked off from them all fragmented firmly back in June... or May was it... when I suddenly recalled all about the war... and things keep coming in. I had a trigger this morning that really made me stop and think about how I know Az, and the Grigori, and the Nephilim, and why I'm connected to them. And more of the rocks obstructing my view tumbled away.

1. A brief memory of a self-sacrifice. - No clue what happened. What I can say is that I'm connected to Earth (her consciousness) deeply and that at some point something drastic happened, that made me do something drastic in response... all I recall is focusing all of my power (i.e. spiritual light and elemental magic and psychokinetic stuff) on myself, and smiling goodbye to someone who was screaming that I not do what I was doing.

2. The sword and "The Green" - I've come to understand that a "certain sword" is in my possession. Not sure how or when the possession turned over to me, as it had been someone else's, another spirit. But I'm holding on to it for now. I got a glimpse of myself in one of my current forms and it was a dripping wet person, covered in green... seaweed I think, clutching the sword in one hand, dragging on the ground. Right after I had the next memory, I was flooded with feelings of kinship with trees and green things.

3. The Grigori and the Nephilim -

I was trying to remember how I knew Az the other day, and all I got was an image of me, cradling what seemed to be a dead or injured child in my lap, baring my teeth at some unknown person, on the edge of a cliff, and the feeling of betrayal, i.e. that I had "been too late to save the child." So, as I was trying to remember today, it all suddenly poured in, why I saw that, and why I'm connected to the Fallen today.

At one time, I made them - the Grigori - a promise. I swore that should they ever have need of us, myself and my people, we would come to their aid. And I meant it sincerely, as they meant a lot to me. I have never mentioned this before, because I kept feeling feelings that I had betrayed this promise somehow. I didn't know how until today. They did have need of us, of course, and we turned our backs on them. Not willingly, but not with any other say in the matter. This is difficult to describe. Humans have more free will - not that we were slaves in terms of our will, but there were some things that we just couldn't do, as much as you or I cannot willingly stop taking in oxygen. Eventually we will be forced to not hold our breath and breathe in. As a people, this is what happened. It doesn't excuse it, or give it adequate reason, but it is why I am here today, I believe. Because I swore to the Grigori and was not allowed to fulfill the oath when it first mattered, I can give what aid is needed today instead.

How I knew Azaz'el was the first thing to come to me. We were friends around the time of the Morning Star. he was one of those Shadow that I loved, as I loved the Morning Star, and I remember being playfully affectionate with him and the rest of their brothers, teasing and dancing and telling stories and laughing together. My friendship with those kin was strong enough that around the period when we broke off contact with Asherah's folk, I made that oath to Azaz'el. I wouldn't abandon him, and I would come to his aid. Then we parted.

Hundreds of years went by, and they had need of us.

I remember receiving the call of distress from them, and knowing that something dire was beginning. I remember consulting with our Fates... we had a small group of seers, holy people, and would not act outside of their permission... and being denied in going to them.

When I remembered these things this morning, I sobbed deeply, because it is cruel, more than cruel, the pain and suffering that could have been averted if we had been given leave to give aid to the Grigori... but the ways of the Divine are strange. Sometimes atrocities are required to happen, because they are written. We weren't allowed to get in the way of that, bonded or no. We would throw off the course of all things if we went to their aid. As beings bonded to the Earth and to the Source, we could not act outside its will. Well, as a people, we couldn't. I couldn't command my people to go against the Fates and "the Flow," despite my office.

However, as an individual, I cared about them, and I wanted to go. But by the time I got there - it wasn't easy to slip away from ruling a whole nation to go on my own passionate mission - I was much, much too late. It had been months since we had received the call for help, and I had prayed that, somehow, the conflict would wait until I was able to get to them. But I learned that the conflict had started soon after I received the call. Who knows if we would have made it in time, but we didn't try. I grieved for them, and cursed the broken oath. Then the Nephilim called to me. Or maybe the Grigori guided me to them from beyond the grave. In any case, I learned there were innocents, whose lives were at stake, and that I would still be able to keep my word in some small way.

Most of all, out of everything I cried over when I saw what had been, I cried over all those children. Bodies so much smaller than my own, murdered in cold blood. That memory of myself cradling a small white body over a cliff. I was baring my teeth, growling at his attacker. The Nephilim child was already dead. It was a grey overcast day. I didn't even care to go after the man that had run him through with his sword, I just couldn't bear to leave him, his body there. The man, or men - there was a small group of them though only one had acted in violence - ran away, terrified for their lives. I just sat and growled after them and rocked his body. He was the offspring of one of the friends I had known... I could see it all around him, in his spiritual signature. It seemed I simply wasn't allowed to interfere in the greater plan. I cursed my blood, wept into the earth, wept for those children, and the memory of them has haunted me ever since, though I hardly realized it most of the time. Only seeing children or even images of children, who were killed, sent me into manic episodes of grief in my human lives thereafter.

My charge now... I don't fully comprehend it yet, though it becomes more clear all the time. It is also something that the Source of all things demands of me this time, to act, whereas before it demanded that I stay out of what was happening.

After I recalled all this, all I saw was green, green trees glowing with light, myself merging with them, with their mind, and myself with that sword. I want to know how I can help, if it is something I can do, if I can make up for all that blood somehow... their spirits still follow me today, though I don't know why. My Sidhe self is somehow "colder" than my human self, and I haven't wanted to return to that form, or my people, knowing that my nature and my nation had forced me to turn my back on what mattered most to me at the time. I have preferred being human, if only to forget what I did, however, pretending that that's all that I am has not helped myself or anyone. I know that. I know that I will only be able to help when I start to return to my "Self." I'm sorry, truly, if my words and this tale were hurtful. But when you know something that pertains to it, I would hope to hear it, too. Please... there is more to this than even I know, or knew, and I need to know if I'm to help this time...

What an amazing post!

Wow!

Ginormous hugs to you. I know that doesn't cover much compared to what you went through, but there's hugs if you need or want them.

Thank you =). It helped

Dream'sEnd wrote:

Thank you =). It helped

You're welcome! =D

<3

Wow!

I'm not sure what else to say, other that how much the image of you with that sword, dripping in seaweed, reminded me of the Lady of the Lake with Excalibur. I was told once that is simply the best-known legend of its type: apparently (to quote Monty Python) "Strange women lying about in ponds distributing swords" was something recurring throughout the ages. I understand what you mean about the sidhe being colder... its hard to explain, but something tells me partiality is not within their experience. Seems to contradict the idea of them giving mystical weapons to influential warriors, but that's a lot different than wanting to help simply because you care about the person.

::snuggles:: I know it's hardly comfort, but as you said, you were prevented. Now, it seems, you are not. I don't understand why we can or can't do things in that sense, why these things seem to need to happen, but apparently they do, and I don't think it would be fair to say breaking that promise was your fault. Perhaps now is the reason for that promise being made.

Thank you so much for posting this. It hurt to read it, I could almost feel your pain, and it reminded me of my own pain......... but it was also good to read it and to understand and to finally have some answers.

I had come to understand that we had met in the early years before the Fall of the Morning Star but didn't want to initially say too much and affect your progress to those memories. He was a Shadow that was easily loved...... many also adored him, but only a lucky few had his friendship and love, and you were one of them.

The Sidhe knew the path we were walking down, they knew of the suspicions we had regarding the future of all races and Humanity, and they shared our beliefs.... or at least some of them. But they perhaps had more wisdom in understanding that the course of evolution we all had to take was very different to the simplified view we had back then.

I, or any of the others, ever felt that the Sidhe abandoned us or weren't wanting to help. We knew enough of you to know that you would if you were able to. We didn't know why you didn't help, but we didn't think badly of you, just that you were obviously tied u[ in your own affairs and couldn't help. It was the same with some of the other Races who didn't show up.... in many ways this was our own private war, as we were going against the wishes and advice of most who believed in us but who told us not to do it.

As for the plan......... as much as I don't believe in the basic concept of fate, what I do now know is that what happened to the Grigori had to happen. That is a difficult and controversial thing to say, considering all of the pain, heartache and absolute hell we have all faced for countless millennia. But it had to be, so that we are here now, in this form, and able to prove what we believed all along.

The most important thing to remember Angela is that there is no guilt. You were tied to the lores of your people, as we all were back then. And as you say, it had to happen. The pain, the loss, the trauma, for whatever reason, it all had to happen. And you couldn't have prevented it, either alone or en masse.... the whole might of the Shadow would have descended upon you if you had stepped in, and that would have caused an even greater war that would have destryoed this world. And perhaps that was also known by those who controlled the lore of your people.

Perhaps with the retrun on this knowledge will come the return, in part, of the Sidhe. They are linked to the Shadow and they have a part to play.

So thank you so much for sharing this with us all...... there is joy in knowing that you supported us. There is joy in knowing that friends remember and return.

Thank you,

Az

i don't pretend to know mkuch about this, i have no memories as of yet of these events, other than a few snippets. the only possible comfort i can give is a bit of wisdom i've gained from various sources; sometimes a simple revolution will not wipe the slate clean. in some cases, the entire current structure must be destroyed for something new and better to be created.

Thanks Raz. I am comforted somehow by that. =)

Azaz'el wrote:

as much as I don't believe in the basic concept of fate, what I do now know is that what happened to the Grigori had to happen. That is a difficult and controversial thing to say, considering all of the pain, heartache and absolute hell we have all faced for countless millennia. But it had to be, so that we are here now, in this form, and able to prove what we believed all along.

Yes. Reality and true events are proving to be harsher than I'd thought they could be. But despite it all, despite how miserable and unjust it is, this is truth.

Azaz'el wrote:

So thank you so much for sharing this with us all...... there is joy in knowing that you supported us. There is joy in knowing that friends remember and return.

Of course. You are welcome. <3.

Azaz'el wrote:

I, or any of the others, ever felt that the Sidhe abandoned us or weren't wanting to help. We knew enough of you to know that you would if you were able to. We didn't know why you didn't help, but we didn't think badly of you, just that you were obviously tied u[ in your own affairs and couldn't help.

Thank you...

Azaz'el wrote:

Perhaps with the retrun on this knowledge will come the return, in part, of the Sidhe. They are linked to the Shadow and they have a part to play.

Scratch wrote:

Perhaps now is the reason for that promise being made.

Your words ring true to me, Scratch, and yours, Azaz'el help to tell me why. This is why I'm needed among my own people again. For their sake, first and truly, but also because they won't listen any other way than if I return =). And I did promise. I think I've had a greater part to play than I've allowed myself to think... because when I left, there was much unfinished business.

Scratch wrote:

reminded me of the Lady of the Lake with Excalibur.

Hahahaha!! I can't get much past you! =) <3. Thanks for your consistent insight, and for the squishes.

Dream... *offers hugs* Your post is very powerful, and I can empathize with your pain.
Reading this thread triggered something for me. I'm not sure how it's related, but since this thread sparked it, I will share.
After reading, the name "Arayel" (there could be alternate spellings, but this is what I saw) very clearly appeared in my mind. I wondered about it for a minute and then I asked, "Who is Arayel?" Almost instantly I felt a pair of large, white wings on my back, shaped similarly to an albatross' wings. The rest of me was still humanoid in shape. Everything about me was very light or pale in color, and there was a slight glow about me. So, apparently I am Arayel?

Azaz'el wrote:

I, or any of the others, ever felt that the Sidhe abandoned us or weren't wanting to help. We knew enough of you to know that you would if you were able to. We didn't know why you didn't help, but we didn't think badly of you, just that you were obviously tied u[ in your own affairs and couldn't help. It was the same with some of the other Races who didn't show up.... in many ways this was our own private war, as we were going against the wishes and advice of most who believed in us but who told us not to do it.

Which other Races?

Quote :

Most of all, out of everything I cried over when I saw what had been, I cried over all those children. Bodies so much smaller than my own, murdered in cold blood. That memory of myself cradling a small white body over a cliff. I was baring my teeth, growling at his attacker. The Nephilim child was already dead. It was a grey overcast day. I didn't even care to go after the man that had run him through with his sword, I just couldn't bear to leave him, his body there. The man, or men - there was a small group of them though only one had acted in violence - ran away, terrified for their lives. I just sat and growled after them and rocked his body. He was the offspring of one of the friends I had known... I could see it all around him, in his spiritual signature. It seemed I simply wasn't allowed to interfere in the greater plan. I cursed my blood, wept into the earth, wept for those children, and the memory of them has haunted me ever since, though I hardly realized it most of the time. Only seeing children or even images of children, who were killed, sent me into manic episodes of grief in my human lives thereafter.

I originally missed this post early on, but maybe there was a reason for that. This actually came up for me today. As I understand it my youngest son was seven months old at the time of the Fall, but no telling what a seven month old may have looked like at the time. I have been told that Nephilim reach adulthood at one year, and also that it was difficult to bond with the children because of their accelerated growth rate. I also learned that I died via the black smoke that has been written about before, but that the youngest may have survived longer. My oldest was there when I died, and died after me fighting. But I'm still unclear what actually happened during that time. There seems to be some conflict between "Catriona" and the elder son stemming from the time Before... He would have been (I'm guessing) around twenty at the time, and the oldest Nephilim alive. He wasn't the first, but he was the first who survived childbirth.

My question is about the black smoke. Does anyone know what it is? I got that it was sentient, but not much else. Wherever it took us (if it did actually take us somewhere) there was torture involved and I also got "escape"... as we somehow may have escaped later. But it's all very vague with no real emotions attached to it on my part. If she remembers she's shielding me from that memory. The emotions concerning the betrayal by her oldest son were much stronger. He didn't fight for her, I gather. This may have been related to Hari's betrayal of me by leaving me... abandoning me really. He returned briefly after I slept with Tazi'el (out of jealousy or curiosity I guess) and that's how the youngest (who I have been told was named La'el) came to be. Human lovers were okay I gather, but it took me going to another Mal'akh for him to finally pay attention. But then, afterward, I think he left again... no idea how long he stayed the second time just that we were not "together" in the end. He stayed until after the birth and he did come back to warn me... to tell me that if something happened I was to take the baby and hide. Later, I remember seeing the sky alive with dark figures and fighting... and I hid. I think he stayed less than a year in the beginning and I was alone for almost twenty. At the end he did tell Layroi'el (the oldest) to take care of us, and I guess he tried but failed... and then was killed after me. He died fighting, but the baby lived... for awhile at least. Didn't some Nephilim end up in a cave somewhere? I sort of remember reading that on another thread.

Not a bright and happy ending at all to my life back then... and we're still going round and round, and it's days like this that my spirit is very tired of it all. Yeah... not a good day for the memory bank, and then I read this post and it made me wonder if La'el wasn't one of those murdered children you saw Dream'sEnd. And for the record, I know there is a La'el registered here on this forum. This name came from Val who got it from T... and I have no memory of him really... just the knowledge that there was a second child. T also told me it was a son, and Hari had reinforced this as well when he was around. We had two sons, one at the beginning and one at the end. He seemed to care very deeply for them, and projected more caring for them than his other children, especially Layroi'el... and I know of at least 10 others he supposedly fathered. However, it may have been just more manipulation on his part to get me to think we had the perfect fairy tale... until the fairy tale turned into a nightmare. And the nightmare continues on...

Sorry, to be a downer. It's been a bad day. Thanks for the post Angela. It's nice to know that you cared about them so deeply. I always said (and have said) that the children should never suffer for the sins of the parent. I have lived by that statement.


Myth

Az... I agree with you on this:

Quote :

As for the plan......... as much as I don't believe in the basic concept of fate, what I do now know is that what happened to the Grigori had to happen. That is a difficult and controversial thing to say, considering all of the pain, heartache and absolute hell we have all faced for countless millennia. But it had to be, so that we are here now, in this form, and able to prove what we believed all along.

Most days I think it had to happen. These are my more upbeat days. On days like today it makes me wonder why... and what exactly you were fighting for back then (and today). What was it really the Grigori wanted? My gut tells me it was freedom of choice much more than love for humanity. I think humanity played a part in that, but it was "freedom" and all that goes with it, including the ability to produce offspring... to procreate... that drove the train (from what I remember and "know"). Lust... that was another factor. Love was in the moment, and fickle at best. There were some lucky ones with loyal mates (Shem and Sariel come to mind), but they were the minority among the 200. Love changed the Source... it took on this concept of love. It did it again recently with me... which was why I was able to access it. Pure love. That's what it responded to each time I connected, but that love was corrupted again and so I am no longer able to access it. But as a result of this "connection" to Source, Catriona is now on equal footing with the Elohim... for all intents and purposes she is Elohim. Yet now I feel reality has set in and she is realizing that she is as corrupted as Hari and all the others. That "pure love" is gone, replaced by a jaded being who has very much been disillusioned through the hard knocks of life with the Elohim. In a sense, I have really and truly become one of you, and frankly I'm not sure that's progress. Given that the connection is gone, I wonder if Source agrees.

Needless to say, my situation on the Other Side isn't all sunshine and roses... although some of it is okay... not all bad, about the same as here actually. Newsflash to any romantics fools out there like me: there is no fairy tale over there any more than there is one here. The political game, as you keep saying Az, is cut throat. Not to mention it's surprising (for me at least) at the true natures of some very supposedly "holy" individuals. Sex and politics... they go hand in hand for the Shadow, and Catriona seems to have played this game before. Not always well, maybe, but she's no stranger to it... which is another reason for my black mood. I have the feeling she's preparing me by letting me see bits and pieces of it so when we do integrate again I won't be lost in my romantic idealism and can sort of "hit the ground running". Self-preservation maybe?

But then I wonder... is this true "politics" or more related to position? There seems to be a pecking order, and I'm not on top. Neither is Hari. But we aren't exactly on bottom, which is good. Hmm... at the moment I'm leaning towards a little of both... politics and position. Being the personification of the angel of love and passion is a double edged sword, it seems. Sex, love, passion... beauty, artistry, and creativity. This is Hanael's job/duty, and this is what I am because of him. Awesome at first glance. Powerful. Seductive. Yet position can make you no better than a whore to the game, and that's where my head is today. The Other Side is not "Heaven", and right now I feel very damned to be part of this mess... and wondering what I did to get myself there other than trusting in a very seductive Elohim who loves me but doesn't. Yet just like life here... it is what it is, and there is only acceptance. I wish at times this was an overactive imagination, or some evil entity concocting some humongous hoax on me. But then I look at the things that have happened and know I did this to myself. I chose this. Every time I choose it. So what does that say about me?

Love/Hate... it goes hand in hand. And yet, the only time I seem to be able to really and truly "commune" with Source is through Hari and this game we play. Occasionally with others, if the love is pure. The same goes for him, I think. So, freedom started it but as for fixing it... I don't know if it's truly possible to fix the connection totally because love, as I said, is fickle. It takes a pure heart combined with pure love, and from what I have experienced this is a fleeting thing... especially after being hurt so many times over and over. Sure... wipe my memories away and fool me into thinking I have found my prince charming - I can move Heaven and Earth then. Is that what it takes - to be ignorant and "un-jaded" by life in order to get Source to listen? And then suffer the consequences for that ignorance? If so, no wonder we keep doing this over and over. We're trying to fix our mistakes, but only seem to make things more and more complicated for ourselves.

The good news is that Hari's is not the only one I'm playing this game with... he was just the first. There is a reason he had to lie to me and manipulate me... to make me try and forget that he's not the only one I love. He's not the only Mal'akh is town, so to speak. For a change I have the upper hand.

Another long-winded post. Sorry, I'm venting some here. Typing this out makes me feel better and I thank you for indulging me.

Myth