Scion of the Fallen

I know now that I am and never have been human. How do I know this? Well, I could douse you all with stereotypical reasons such as, "I've never really felt that I've belonged." "No one ever seems to understand me." "I feel like I've always just been alone." but I shall refrain from such mortal reasons as these, such trivial things as these, and let you know how I truly feel.
Never before have I encountered a person who's mind can conceive of the things that I think of on a regular basis. I remember a time when I sat in a clearing, surrounded by the most majestic forest imaginable, a place that has, nor ever will exist in this physical reality. I would sit for hours conversing with loved ones, loved ones who's names and faces I cannot remember. I remember taking part in battles that this physical body of mine has never experienced. I know what it is like to soar amongst the heavens on wings of light, though I have never done so in this body. The feeling is indescribable. I don't remember my true name, but I do remember that I am much more than the crude matter that makes up my mortal flesh.
I feel lost and separated. I feel that I am, and always have been alone in this world because I have been separated from my true Brothers and Sisters for so long. At first, I had assumed that I was descended from the Nephilim bloodline, but now, after having discovered this site, this forum, and read all of the information that it has to offer, I'm not so sure who I am any more. Am I Grigori? Am I one of the lost Fallen Watchers who chose to give in to mortal sin? Is that why my life always seems so cursed, is that why it seems that I've always been forsaken? These are but a few of the questions that I have been plagued with in recent days as a result of my ongoing research. I have always known that I am different in some way, though I've never been able to understand why or how it is that I'm different. Have I finally found the answers to my lifelong questions? Have I finally found my Lost Brethren? Am I no longer alone? A sense of a weight being lifted from my shoulders has come from my recent discovery of this site and all that it has to tell, though more questions have indeed arisen because of it.
I hope that some of you will read the things that I have to say, and I surly hope that I might be able to find more answers, feedback perhaps, from some of you.
This section of the forum is titled memories, so I shall endeavour to share some of what I 'remember' now.
I remember being surrounded by 'light'. Though I'm not entirely certain that light is the appropriate word. There are no mortal languages that can describe some of the things that I remember. I remember certain personality traits of beings who's names I now know. Micha'el for instance. He is tall, taller than most others of his order. His hair is long, and seemingly made of strands of light. His attitude is one of arrogance and superiority. Gabri'el. A kind soul. Honest, caring, knowledgeable, and gorgeous. Sami'el. Another of our Brothers, always seemed sullen, like he knew a great many sorrowful things, that even the Source itself was unaware of. Tzaqi'el. Brash, domineering, belligerent, a know it all if you will, though his actions and such were usually fuelled by his own self loathing condition.
These are but a few things that I remember, and I have no idea where these memories come from. I remember knowing a kind of love that is indescribable. One that I could never feel or know in this mortal shell of mine. I remember a kind of companionship and camaraderie that only our kind can know.
I remember that when I fell, it was in a dark place, perhaps at night, there was water nearby, a river or stream perhaps... I felt so cold and naked. There was a breeze around me, a chilling breeze I felt as though my soul had been ripped from my body and the energy was simply adrift in a sea of chaos. I remember feeling my crude flesh for the first time and it seemed that every movement, every touch, every sensation was agony. It took a great long while to become used to this 'new' body. I remember wandering in a daze, with no memory of who or what I was for days, weeks perhaps, until finally, some memory began to return, and I cried. I wept for a long long while, knowing that I had given up so much so that I could show my love to humanity. I chose to betray for the sake of mankind. I still do not regret my decision, but it hurt all the same.

These are the only sensations and memories that have come to me since my discovery of this site, since I've begun to remember. More and more thoughts, and impressions, and dreams, come to me on a daily basis now that my Awakening has begun. I hope soon to remember my name. If any of you could assist me with this, I would be forever in your debt.

Thank you for taking the time to read this, and thank you Azaz'el for accepting me once more into the ranks of our Brothers and Sisters. Forever.
Malius.

Dearest Maliusnephilim,

You were there! We all were... otherwise you would never had been inspired and guided to be here!

Presence is more than just being there so they say.

Ouza

“All that is within him does condemn itself for being there.”
~ William Shakespeare

Welcome Home!

Greetings Malius and welcome to the forum.

It will probably sound very simple and easy for me to say that I and probably many here will understand many of the things you have described in your post. There is a crystal clear simplicity in the knowledge that you aren't human and it can easily drive anyone to the point of madness and beyond. And within that core of clarity and chaos is the knowledge that you are less than you once were and should be, and more than those around you. The memory of acts and instances that are more clear than the memory of what you had for lunch yesterday twinned with the logical knowledge that they didn't happen in this life. It's enough to make anyone doubt the world and their own place within it. Yet it is a truth that those of us who are Fallen, and those of us linked to the Fallen, are living with every hour of every day.

The most obvious piece of information to tell you is that no one he can tell you whether or not you are one of the Fallen. However, what is important is that you have found this site and with it have felt some link, some understanding and some slight weight lifted. As that happens, as you read and remember and have your own soul thoughts triggered, you will remember more and more, and you will come to understand if you are Kin, and what type of Kin. And you may come to realise that you are, in fact, one of the Fallen. But that will come with time....... The statement that none of us ever want to hear!

Don't rush it, but don't ignore it (as if you could!), and allow the memories to surface in their own way. It will be a confusing time, and it will drive you to distraction and to wonder who and what the he'll you are and why you are hear. But whenever anyone faces their Awakening it can be a difficult time. Just remember that within this forum you are not alone, regardless of who or what you once were. In this forum we are all equal and are all friends, this is a neutral haven for us all, to remember and to reconnect. But please don't try to rush it..... It would be like taking a sledgehammer to crack and nut and could end up causing more emotional and physical trauma to you that the frustration of allowing it to flow in it's own way.

Be aware of the traits you now have and how much they link in to now you were. And be aware of what you are drawn to, who you are drawn to. Those are the things that will help awaken even more and guide you to your name. But for now, as Malius, you are welcome here in the forum, in our home, and I hope that in time we can be of some help to you.

Anything that you wish to post that is of a more private nature that you wish only members to read, please post in the members section, it is only visible to those who are registered members.

Welcome, you are safe here.

Az

Hello and welcome Thank you for all that you have shared. I'm pleased to meet you. I look forward to learning more about you as you learn more about yourself. I am not and have never been Fallen or Shadow but I do and have supported and cared for you all and strive towards your reunification and awakening

Dream'sEnd

Thank you all for your kind words and support!

I know that I have found a home here with you all.

I look forward to learning as much as I can about all of you, as well as our pasts together.

Yours,

Malius.

Welcome, and glad to have you on board!

I remember how nervous I was, when I started sharing stuff that seemed to be happening to no one but me. It was such a relief to be taken seriously here. Not only that, but my perceptions have lined up at times in ways that all but prove there is something going on here; that we share some kind of experience many would say is impossible. In the two-odd years since I found this forum, many things I told myself were impossible have become facts of life. It's wonderful to no longer doubt myself all the time.

I love what you said about that love, and your description of your fall was vivid enough to be tough to read. It sounds like you remember mainly through sensation?

I do have to comment on your avatar, as well. I spent hours hanging out by his and his dad's graves after getting one of my most important tattoos, under a full moon, drinking absinthe with one of those interesting path-crossers who seemed to show up expressly to teach me stuff that one night. The Crow, and the people, places, and memories around that movie, have been an almost ridiculously huge deal to me for a long time. Good call.

Heh, thanks Scratch

You're right. Most of my memories do come only as sensations, though as you've read in one of my other posts, I do sometimes have vividly detailed memories of things as well. I chose that picture for a couple of reasons really. First of all, its because I relate to the story of the movie. How one is wronged and downtrodden, then returns with a vengeance. I've felt that way many times in my life, and I'm sure I will again.

As for the memory of my fall, I literally almost cried when the visions came pouring back into my head. At first I thought that I was just remembering a dream or something, but I realized that I'd never had such a dream. That these thoughts were coming to me while I was wide awake. I wasn't even meditating, which adds to their credibility as far as I'm concerned.

Please, if you do remember something about that name, do tell. Any information that I can piece together concerning who I am would be much appreciated.

Have you ever read the comic?

I know what you mean about credibility, and the tears. Unfortunately, there's probably going to be a lot more of those, but it's worth it. There's a lot of good mixed in too.

As you say Scratch, there are always more tears, but the pain of remembering who and what we were is often outweighed by the joy in remembering who and what we were and the people we knew, the love we had and the joy of finding old friends again.

Az

Amen brother...(can I say that here????)

Wow. I just went back and read this, after the few years that I've been here, and its amazing how much ive learned, and what ive come to understand in such a short amount of time. I thank all of you though for still being there should i need any of your input or have any questions that might need answering. Know that i offer the same service to all of you.

Hey Mal,

A lot of things have happened since then and yes know that I am and have always been a friend

Gabe

A lot indeed Gabe, a lot indeed. Thank you.

I stumbled onto this post...
Thank you...so much. Thank you for saying what I couldn't form into words. I KNOW what you feel. I sat here reading with my eyes filling up and my mouth dropping open. I could have written all that...if only I could have pieced the words together. It does go so much further beyond, "I never fit in. I never felt like I fit in." It is that, but it's an infinity more than that. It's more painful than that, inexplicably so. I remember what it feels like to soar. To fly above it all, being able to look down and getting that rush that goes through you, tingling and zinging all over. What you said, about the forest - I remember that too. Surreal forests that no place on this earth can mimick. I have favorite mountains, special forests I do like, but as much as I love them and as much as I long for them when I'm away from them...they're just not enough. I'm relieved to be there when I am, but I have that little feeling in the pit of my stomach that says, "Close...but it's not enough." The forests here are lovely and wondrous...but they just can't compare to what I've known, what I've loved, what I've called home. I remember skies I can only hope to be able to put onto canvas one day. I remember battles - I dream of them. I remember my wings, I feel them sometimes. And if ever I somehow tolerate to sleep on my back, it's a sure way to get a bad ache along the spine between my should blades and a little bit down.

I'm going to devote more time to reading the MASS amounts of memories and information here. I hope I'll be able to start piecing together my own memories and maybe even remember who I was.

It pleases me to know that my words have sparked something with in you, recognition, memories. We here all share some deep connection to one another, of this I am certain. Patience is key to our awakening. Things will come to us all in their own time. Something that I tell all of those I encounter on a path similar to ours, never try to force it. Just let it come naturally. We are all here for a reason. Remember that.