ARCHIVE: As Neo said: "Whoa."

By Scratch Oct 1 2009 -

Does anyone else seem to be going through boot camp?

Man oh man, I just want to rant like an irate blogger. People have been idiotic and unbearable, and showing me that yeah, I can do and sense all kinds of stuff now, and don't have any trouble applying a little pressure when needed. There was a wall that came down like the one in Berlin, in my mind. It was pushed over by a very crowded month, though.

For two weeks, it seemed like everyone I knew each decided (the groups don't know each other) to show me exactly what kind of person they really are. Glad I'm not acquainted with any thieves! Part of it was a big change in how I perceive and react to things, but a co-worker was suddenly doing everything he could to get a rise out of me for 4 days, and someone I considered a good friend didn't want me in his house, for a poetry reading his roommate invited me to. Neither said why, even when I asked, and were just the two worst. Events played out to show me sides I'd never seen before, of literally everyone in my life. I read a novel one friend wrote, and am almost desperate to read again, it was so good. That, and talking to another few kept me remembering the world didn't suck that bad, and wasn't out to get me.

On the plus side, I don't feel like a child anymore, and rose to the challenges so well I impressed myself (really hard to do, actually). I'm just getting through a cold, and bleeding, with a healing but nasty burn on my finger. Hardly a battle-scarred veteran, and I'm being very brief with it all here, but oi! Feels like war training.

I've always been extremely reticent about speaking my mind. It was one of my characteristics I hated most. Now, I've completely lost the tolerance I used to have for keeping my mouth shut. I take the time, when I can, to find the best way to say it, but I can't not say it anymore when someone's doing something I don't like. Plus, I proved to myself I can stand up to a fast talker who I thought was a better guy, and not buy opinions I know aren't true. It was icing on the cake when I went to a friend's rap show. He gave me a demo when we worked together last summer, and I thought I'd never be able to flow that fast. Never in a million years. He did some of those songs, and I kept up while bopping to the music, no problem. Yay! The funny thing is, he wrote one called "Icarus;" the first line of the chorus is "you can call them angels, demons or just people, feeble wing-equipped reincarnations of Icarus..."

Speaking of, whatever these phantom wing manifestation things on my back are, I have a speed and endurance I've never remotely had before when I use them to run. It doesn't wear me out in the slightest, either. It's when I don't flap that I feel tired or sore after, but I don't bother trying not to anymore. I have no problem sitting upright without a backrest, comfortably, either.

How're you guys doing?


By Dreamsend Oct 2 2009 -

Well.... where to begin with how I'm doing over here....?

I feel as if... everything's coming together for me. Everything feels more safe, secure, and sound than it has for a long time. I feel... like I'm *becoming* magical, somehow; imagine the energy of magic. We can manipulate that energy, send it, mold it, make it do our will. But what is that energy, itself? What is its will? =\... In a way, I seem to feel like I'm changing from one who molds magic to one who *is* magic, the energy is filling my whole body.

I started on this road towards realizing myself and kin and everything by feeling wings on my back. I haven't felt them for some time either, not usually, but they're there, again, and stronger than ever. They just come out and fold around me and I feel safe and secure.

I'm scared, a bit... scared of peace, of fulfillment, which is what I think I'm moving towards, and what that means for me. Think... a lion is discontent in a cage, but at peace out and about, free to kill when it wants. I feel like a part of me is coming loose, one that I bound because I didn't want to hurt people. That makes me feel good, but bad at the same time. I feel like I'm giving myself license to feel again: to feel passion, anger, sadness, joy... and then when I am myself, I see the look of shock and fear in the eyes of those around me, and I wonder what they're seeing. Are they just awed, or are they afraid? Do they want to come closer or go away? I'm scared of being alone, I always was, but I feel that is my path. So, that scares me.

Had a completion (what was a fragment of a scene became a whole scene that I could understand) of a past-life memory today, the last life I lived, I think, (in Japan, I think it was during the WWII era.. I was human and young, and committed suicide by a river because I thought that someone had betrayed me).


And of course there's so much more.... Daily life and feeling that there are some things I just *cannot* do anymore and *will not* take, and yes that feeling of seeing people for their true colors. Shocking sometimes, and jading. I feel that is somewhat what it means to "grow older": to become more jaded (which one must not necessarily do... but I think the more you do, the more you age). And of course, age is on my mind, greatly... I'm at a stage where people are settling down in one way or another. Many are settling down to be bored and stupid, some are settling down to be lost, never really finding the way, some are settling down to be neither, to grow and be abundant. And me, I feel like I'm a teenager again just setting out to see the world, I'm not settling down at all, I'm packing up and setting off ;;;; man, it's enthralling and incredibly embarrassing......... And in part, the embarrassment, I'm learning to let the ones that would make me feel ashamed of this path go. I choose it because it is the right path... and the world around me, I realize that I can choose and shape it and the people in it now.


By Ouza Oct 2 2009 -

This has and always will not be easy for me to be that horse of a different color, but it had been fortold to me many moons ago! The shock is the seeing of things just simply following into place which never ever happened before!

I always been a firm believer that there is more to this so called existence than meets the eye! And always felt like an observer never ever fully being totally involved in reality, so to speak!

But now something has changed and yes it's scary and yes, I have no control over it! It just wants to come and go at will and for some reason or other spirit and ego wanting it when it wants it never ever works out so I simply go by faith and hope that all will work out in the long run! It took me 62 years... to figure that one out!

But now that I feel that I am finally at the crossroads and at a new beginning it makes me feel even more secure inside with that new and reconfirmed confidence that I never had before. Still I feel sometimes that I'm an idiot for saying and doing the things I have done in the past and still continue to make the same mistakes over and over again but.... what the hell. I'm in it for the long run and am willing to do what ever is necessary now to walk the walk and talk the talk and not just for myself but for all of us here.

I have learned the hard way to not always understand things as they were meant or expressed to be but now I show a definite respect and understanding to thoses other because that is what I would want or have wanted to be treated like myself! I am akin to both Az and Ish and all that are here, we are a family a group a team and most definitely for certain want to fully understood and ultimately accept for what the hell is going on in our lives... right here and now and for whatever it will take together as a whole!

We all have a common ground so to speak I hope that the for all that is full understanding and a willingness to do what ever it takes to effectively change and move forward to whatever is next!

Always,

Oz


By Scratch Oct 2 2009 -

I know how you feel Ouza, about looking back at past mistakes. I just try to keep myself remembering how much more of an idiot I would have felt if I were still making them! There's only one way to know better, and that's it.

Dreamsend, what you said about magick struck a chord with something I forgot to mention, partially because it's still so abstract. There's been a feeling hanging around, something strange, beautiful, quirky and deep. It seems silly, but somehow the closest thing I've seen is a new style called steampunk (a merging of old world fashion and clockwork sci-fi). I started looking up images one day, and the feeling grew immensely. Something about an idealized past that never happened, so they're doing it now, kind of took me sideways. Suddenly it seemed as if time and fate and all this mess are really just modes of thought.

I've been intimidating the hell out of people lately, too.


By Razi'el Oct 2 2009 -

i feel as if things are changing for me as well... i've been raised to be a "good boy", to basically grin and bear any abuse or wrongdoings done to me, to let the bullies and bosses and whatnot dig their own graves. but more and more i find it harder to do, like there's this thing --i don't know, power, let's call it-- inside me, waiting to burst forth and just get them to STOP, to leave me alone and ###### off.

it's at odds with who i've been raised to be, and it scares me as well. if i'm forceful, i keep feeling like people will resent me, but i too have that same fear of being alone, of pushing away friends. however, i'm starting to think that i might just have to.


By Azaz'el Oct 3 2009 -

There is a time when we must all 'grow up' ........ by this I don't mean we have been acting childish, but that we must grow beyond accepting who we are and step back into the memory and security of who we were, who we are at a soul level.

This is now a time of growing up for us all, being brough to birth by death, by change and illness, but frustration and the need to finally fight for what we want, what we know we are worth.

There are many sayings and beliefs that suggest we cannot change who we are fundamentally, that we cannot be anything different. Well, that depends on who we are....... nature versus nurture. We can, however, only spend so long denying who and what we are before those traits come through, before we begin to stand up and show that we are all worth more.

Az