Dear loved ones ...

I think I need to sort some things out. I'm still slightly shocked ... can't describe ...

I made it here a few nights ago, searching after the name Ishtahar, the call, the loss, some feeling or need inside me - call it as you want. Won't make a difference. Just sounds like a cliché ...
I don't know if i can describe the things that have happened over the last years. Maybe I'll try it, maybe I'll break up and flee. I'm not even sure if I really want to remember more than I already do. It's shaking me to the core sometimes.
When I came here this one night, I was just curious, never the type for a forum like this, esp. in English for it's not my native tongue at present. So I don't know if I can explain like I normally would in my texts. Writings were the trigger that led me here after so many years. It is the moment of writing, where most things come up ... So I will try it one day.
I was puzzled, when i found my name not assigned to someone and had a huge respect to do so myself. Usually I tend to ignore such impulses, but the feeling or my inner voice was too strong and said "just do it for one time". And then I had already forgotten in the following days, up to this message ... Here it begins ... feeling like the butterfly that causes a whirlwind. I hate this feeling, but now I can't ignore it anymore. Still I don't know where to start.
I think, I still like to lose myself.


Best wishes to you all, hope to find you on my way,

Shem

Greetings Shemyaza Your presence is strong and I'm glad you found the forum.

Welcome and hope you find what you've been searching for.

Gabri'el

Don't worry about sounding cliched. These things often do, spoken aloud, but that doesn't make them any less meaningful.

I'm glad you decided to go with this name. Calling myself Lucifer seemed far too presumptuous, when I was still afraid of myself. It takes a lot of courage to do what you're doing. It has for all of us.

I don't know what else to say right now, other than I'm glad you've come to say hello.

Welcome... back home,

Ouza

greetings, Sem! i'm glad to see you made it here, and i hope this is the start of something very powerful and positive for you!

Welcome

Greetings and welcome to the forum Shemyaza,

the name that you have chosen has meaning and resonance here in the forum and to many of its members. I, like others, would be interested in hearing more regarding your pull to using this name and any history you have with Shadow, Grigori or Otherkin in general.

Please read through the FAQ and then jump in to the threads, feel welcome to add new posts or start new threads of your own. All we ask is that you treat others with the same respect that you would have them treat you.

If you have any problems, please contact one of the members of staff..... the Mods, the Head Mod or either of the Admin team.

Welcome

Azaz'el

Welcome to the forum, Shemyaza! So glad that you've come and joined us

Thank you all for your welcome.


I've now read through a couple of texts on this website and also others and feel able to tell something more.
Much on your site matched my thoughts. I don't consider myself prepared and yet I have a deep trust in my intuition. On one hand I'm willing to change my life, on the other I made the experience over and over again that I can't force it.
But on with it ...


It is just a few weeks ago that I heard terms like Otherkin for the first time. My whole life was split between periods of interest for such things and times of pure ignorance when I had "better" to do than read books about spirituality and magick. But life constantly pushed me back again. So a few years ago in 2007 there was a period where I couldn't ignore anymore. How to describe this ... It was all about a book some people and I liked to write, nothing big, just meant to be fun for us. I was a little into the story of the Fallen, not very much and without any knowledge at this first point, and moreover planning to choose another character (not even a Fallen), but then Shemyaza stepped in. Since then I've never really touched the other character. After the first texts I found myself drawn to Shems history or rather his personality. It felt simply right, to think his thoughts, to feel his body, live his life, if even only in thoughts and feelings. It's not that I felt the need to flee my life, though I have my conflicts sometimes, but merely the thirst for a new experience. And this felt extremely right, like I found something that was lost before or which I couldn't find a name for. I can not describe it in other words right now.
For a while I let myself drift and enjoyed it. Then the coincidences began. Little things like writing a scene and finding a reflection in a book, a website or some friends thoughts. I was never into reading something and then trying to confirm that knowledge for me. Always the other way around. I just lived my life, took notice about things, defined my view of life inside and then found confirmation on the outside. At no time I have ever searched new music, for example. It comes to me, I only need to call quiet and I need music like water. (Here I'm editing my text written the last night, because today I saw posts from a Shemyaza, who was here two or three years ago, and immediately noticed he said the same about the name had chosen him/coming to him from out of nowhere.)
Later people around told me if they wouldn't know me, they would have imagined me as Shemyaza, or so to speak would have thought of me as another person than they know. I remember that I was slightly shocked about the effect there as well.
Two years later came a conflict. I tried to banish all these things, tried to live a "normal" life again and become again the ignorant asshole i play so well, however I couldn't.


I was always the skeptic, never wanted to get drawn to much into such things and I barely remember my dreams. And when I feel the need to confirm things through practicing I tend to force too much and nothing happens.
What I have regularly is some kind of trance where I see pictures or feel things, but I find it very hard to remember afterwards. It's like another state of mind, apart from my normal consciousness. I have only access the moment I'm in. This is strange somehow but pleasant likewise, like my body (or energy) expands or so. But I have difficulties to get through the barrier of my ever talking and reflecting mind. I can't do it willingly. Maybe untrained. I'm barely the meditation-type, rather far to nervous to sit still, resp. only still while writing. ^^"
One example from my teenage years was about sailing with a ship, something blooming there and a never ending longing for "my race". Words like "once I will go home" or "I miss my folks". A constant feeling of loss, of having something inside me that can't be shown or understand under human conditions. I've never nearly understood it till now (or the last years) and unfortunately I can't look it up anymore, because I burned all of my early stuff in one of my phases of ignorance.
Another one was just a picture of me or my soul lying on a table or an altar, having my soul implanted by some old men in robes - or that's what my mind made of them, I think, I was about fourteen oder fifteen. I can remember it happened while brushing my tooth and without any preadvice. Compared to the other one this was not pleasant and without any people to talk about something like that I tried to forget it, as I always do ...


An example from the recent past: it was some weeks ago, while I was working on a story apart from these things, only slightly associated. Suddenly I felt the urge to write about Shem, or more precise switched totally off my normal thinking mind, opened another file and typed about the past times. It was a short scene about the past and some project with human aging. The task (I don't know who gave it) was to find out about how old humans could get, when and how they would die and what we could do to extend there life. We tried, but had no success. They just looked young for much longer than normally, but something in their minds and souls refused or couldn't stand it and they got ill after all. It was like dementia or something similar, they didn't recognized us anymore. There was a human woman too, who didn't want to die like the others by getting old and therefore wanted to die before she could get old ...
I was completely off for some time, heard nothing, saw nothing, only typed it down without looking up for about half an hour. When I finally did I was shaking and needed some time to calm down/recover. Normally I need half and an hour to write an amount like that, but here I didn't even had the time to let a single thought come up. Furthermore it matched in no way my imagination (the one I clearly make up for writing stories). It was just there one moment and then it was gone again. Very intense, very strange.


There were much more Events like this, but I need to get near it once again to tell. I even don't know if I can call this a memory or a vision. I've never had a cause to remember, never people who would have listened, let alone understood (more than myself).


Things like this added the feeling of rightness to take this name. It's the flag I sail under the last years and the past that leads me here. But I've never had an impulse like this to a forum before. I'm usually more passive on the Internet. Perhaps one day I will choose another name, or leave, maybe it isn't for me, maybe I'm only searching, but in this moment it feels right. Heavily but right.
As I said above already I'm not easily doing this under this name and the circumstances of which I know enough to realize how important it is.
But by now there is nothing more; no names, no scenes, no memories. Call it careless if you wish. Maybe I'm pure misguided, really playing along with that role and unable to understand - I won't exclude that.
Though I'd be sorry, because it was never my intention to play around.


There are many people with this name on the Internet or people who feel drawn to the Fallen, so maybe it means nothing. Sure it means a lot for you and me, but on the other hand it's just names and many variations of these. I could have registered under the name Semjasa, Samyaza or just Sam, would have all been the same - at least for me. You've already had a Shemyaza here and you have Ouza.
As well might it be a kind of channeling his energy, feelings and so on. I don't know much about soul fragments, so I can't tell if something like that could be possible. For myself I like to call it his concept - a term I chose over the last years, because it describes well for me what I feel (a variation of emotions included like anger, loss, desire, the feeling of being torn apart, the endless longing that can't be stilled ... all in a context which is not applied to the "human life" I'm born in). And whenever I find another person with this name I also find synchronicity, or coincidences, similar feelings or outcomes. Even here when I found some posts by Ouza (light my fire - the Doors/ no rest for the wicked - New Model Army). Simple things, just song titles, but they had an effect on me.
I have many "noes" when I listen inside, not so with this name.


Hope this gives you all a better understanding. Yes, I'm a noob in some way, I have no clue so far, only my intuition and I've chosen this meaningful name only because it feels right. And I'm not sure if I can continue so unaware ...


Please feel free to tell whatever you think. I hope to find out what and who I am and why this issue crosses my way time and time again.
Thanks in advance,

Shem

This all sounds so achingly familiar. It's a struggle no matter what, but I think, at least for me, the biggest struggle is always to let go of that doubt. Doubt is the cliff face, the thing that feels real and solid to keep us grounded. Embracing all these unknown things, which are completely outside of most peoples' experiences, is like jumping into a fast-flowing stream.

However, that water can be like music, when you surrender to the flow and the beat.

Thank you for taking the time to share so much with us that is personal to us. As Scratch has said, so much of what you have written is familiar, and whilst we all face our own personal awakening, there can be very similar points or processes that we go through. And at times it can seem to be the answer to everything we have ever felt, and at other times it can seem like the path to madness.

There has been another member who has linked in to the energy of Semyaza, but that member is no longer active on the forum. And what we all have to face repeatedly is the truth of what we feel and know and experience. Are we actually the reincarnated souls of these beings, or are we simply people who have attuned into the energy of that being and are channelling the energy and memories and thoughts. What is important is to keep an open mind and an open heart and in time come to trust what you feel. No one can tell you who you are, what you are, which can be so frustrating, as it would be so much easier if someone could tell us. In the end, it comes down to time, experience and the deep knowing that the heart has of our own soul. Trust is yourself, in your own heart.

It doesn't matter whether any of us have come to this understanding about who or what we are or what we used to be in recent weeks, in recent years, or decades ago. What is important is that we are true to these memories and this knowledge, are true to and respect what our souls are trying to tell us, and live our lives accordingly. So walk your path with your head held high, be proud to be who you are, and be welcome here.

Az

Welcome

Ash

Thanks, Az and Scratch, for you kind words.
Thanks, Ashtart, for your welcome.

I had a week where I couldn't bring myself to log in. And I'm totally ambivalent at this moment. Just wanted to say, that my silence doesn't mean I'm gone already. ;-)

Shemyaza....

I'm glad that you opened your thoughts to us and I pray that you continue on and not be dissuaded from reaching your ultimate goal of Self Realization. It's very important for you to not lose faith in yourself for in fact the mirrors that you so desperately seek are here with you and will always be by your side when and if you ever need it!

"Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts." Winston Churchill

Ouza

This is an "interesting" time as far as the spiritual energy surrounding us all is concerned... everything is in a state of flux, but there is understanding and evolution in this. Take the time you need, it will make more sense soon

Az