A confession

I have been feeling unstable since the start of my awakening. My sleeping patterns have changed, my eating habits have changed, I had a horrible headache most of the time, and I can barely think clearly. In short, I am feeling like a mess. It isn’t that bad all the time, but it is becoming worse of late. I also had problems with reading and concentration, which is something I haven’t experienced in the past.

For someone who has never believed in the existence of angels, discovery that I was in fact one of them was quite a shocking one. I presume that I don’t have to emphasize that it turned the world in which I live upside down. My memories from the period of my awakening are very foggy, and I only have vague impressions of the chronological order of things.

I felt like that something very important was forcibly taken away from me, something I kept very close to my heart without even realizing it. My humanness. I have raged at the whole world and felt like a victim. I felt like that I have lost every chance of having a normal life. I wanted to forget everything and move on. I have fought up with people who were just trying to help. I have touched upon emotions that should have remained buried forever.

I have walked some very dark paths in the past. I have done things that I cannot be proud of, and yet there were times when I was. I was very attracted to bloodshed in my past lives, and I have spent many of them as a soldier. I have fought in many wars here on Earth, far too many for my own good. My soul is stained by my shameful acts and I can never again be pure and innocent as I once was. The path I walked in the First Times was a good one, I should have never left it. Little has left from the being I once was, just a shadow of a shadow. If I ever was pure and bright, now I am dark and clothed with guilt. Too late I regret, too late I realize my mistakes and what a fool I was thinking that I could do what I did and move on with my life without any consequences.

My experience should be a lesson for anyone who feels a need to explore his or her dark side. Not only that I have explored it, but I have also embraced it. I have allowed it to change me, to transform me into something I should have never become. I have summoned the foul urges that lied dormant in the depths of my soul. Unleashing them was a mistake I should have never made. Only I now how hard it was to cage them again.

I could say that I have found my inner light again but, some wounds are too deep in order to ever heal, and the scars they leave will stay with me forever as a shameful remainder of who and what I was. I can never erase my past, nor I can change it no matter how hard I try. There is no greater treasure we could posses that the purity of our souls. And there isn’t a price high enough in order of preserving it.

Mm...I am well acquainted with your kind of suffering. The loss of innocence, the darker half. It's something I still struggle with, to find some method of integration in my daily life. Or if that turns out to be impossible, to give adequate time for both the human and the dragon to do their thing. It's hard to say what the best course of action is to take when one's true self is so wild and terrifying.

But I can at least tell you that the first step is to stop hating yourself. People don't always understand why I am the way I am, or why I say some of the things I say. Most of them don't really get my deepest motivations, at all, though they may claim to. I feel it may be the same with you and your Self. You can't hate yourself with only a fragmented sense of your past.

Heheh..it's kind of ironic that you lament your humanity being taken away. You have something now that you didn't have as an angel still in service, total freedom of will. This is what it is to be a mortal soul. You should feel lucky to have the opportunity to lament your sins. This is how we learn and grow.

As for innocence and purity? Hah! Weak roads for the naive. You're stronger than that. We all feel like victims to the world, but you know, there are many beings who are suffering a lot worse than we are, and they don't have nearly the opportunities that you and I do to improve their lot. There's a war on the horizon, so I suggest you drop the self-pity and rekindle that fire in your belly.

I will leave you with a quote from one of my favorite novels, Steppenwolf:
"From the very start there is no innocence and no singleness. Every created thing, even the simplest, is already guilty, already multiple. It has been thrown into the muddy stream of being and may never more swim back again to its source. The way to innocence, to the uncreated and to God leads on, not back to the wolf or to the child, but ever further into sin, ever deeper into human life. Nor will suicide really solve your problem [...] You will, instead, embark on the longer and wearier and harder road of life. You will have to multiply many times your two-fold being and complicate your complexities still further. Instead of narrowing your world and simplifying your soul, you will have to absorb more and more of the world and at last take all of it up in your painfully expanded soul, if you are ever to find peace. This is the road that Buddha and every great man has gone, whether consciously or not, insofar as fortune has favored his quest.”