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 ARCHIVE: "Coming Out" Part 3, When you can't help it

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ARCHIVE: "Coming Out" Part 3, When you can't help it Empty
PostSubject: ARCHIVE: "Coming Out" Part 3, When you can't help it   ARCHIVE: "Coming Out" Part 3, When you can't help it EmptySun Oct 17, 2010 2:55 pm

By Dreamsend Jun 6 2008 -

(I really don't mean to make a series out of the title... it just seems to make sense *lol*)

So.... I'm assuming that I'm not alone in having "strange things" happen to me in "broad daylight"? At work, on the train, around family, around friends who aren't aware of what they should know about me. I've had bouts of fighting speaking in tongues on the Metro, going into trance (with the shaking and all... shamans do it in Africa and the Caribbean constantly o_o) at the club, and leaving my job (walking out) because "spirit wanted to take me somewhere". I mean, this interaction with them is cute and all, but I don't get a say in "how" it happens, or how to have those sorts of things interact politely with Society!? *lol* Sorry, just guess I'm a bit frustrated and venting (venting a lot recently.... increasingly frustrated with my situations) at having to control myself and being embarrassed when I almost don't manage to. Anyone else have embarrassing interactions like this?


By Ishtahar Jun 7 2008 -

All the time.

I soooo share your feelings of frustration at the situation we are in. I can only be Ish here, in my everyday life I am someone else. Someone who works, who takes care of a family, who looks after an elderly mother who is increasingly hard work. I hate being that person. I hate having to be 'normal' and more and more I find that I am not able to be.

I have been so torn because I have always been a selfless person. I have always put other people first and that is what they are used to so everyone expects somethign of me.

I find that as I am 'becoming' Ishtahar more and more I am becoming less selfless and I do not have the time or the energy to be.

I am beginnig to make decisions based on what I want and what is good for me and not my family and friends. It is soooooo hard and it hurts as much as anything I have ever done.

I am moving apart from them all...they dont know me any more and i dont want to know them. I am living in a very difficult time for me and I am suffering for it but I am indescribably stronger than I was and so it is not affecting me as it could do but it is still hard

And through it all I have spontaneous visions, I have walked out of the office too, stopped in the middle of something urgent and important because I simply had to write, almost walked in front of a bus becacuse I was following a 'something', actually crashed the car because I was so intently talking....well actually arguing with something which is essentially a voice in my head.

And everywhere there are signs and portents.

Aaarrrggh

Ish


By Dreamsend Jun 9 2008 -

***hugs*** =\ It's really frustrating. I have the feeling that eventually it will get better, but for right now it can be a major struggle.


By Azaz'el Jun 9 2008 -

My partner pointed out to me last week that he has tp repeatedly apologise to our friends, neighbours and family because of my "behaviour." When I questioned him further about this, wondering just what the hell he was on about, he that a lot of people find me 'odd' because of the fact I talk to trees, work with energy, believe in past lives, follow the old paths etc etc etc........... I have used my own wording, he put it in a less polite way making me sound as if I should be sectioned for my own safety.

So I haven't been too aware of many embarrassing interactions, but those around me seem to see me have them constantly if he is to be believed!!!

Az

blink.gif


By Faddewr Jun 10 2008 -

I'm not one for coming out really. Intentionally anyway.

What my affairs are spiritually is no one's buisness but mine.


By Azaz'el Jun 11 2008 -

What happens to anyone spiritually has nothing to do with anyone other than the person it happens to. But we all hope that here, in this forum, as safe a place as any open forum can be on the net, we can offer a 'home' where what you can openly share can be shared, to help yourself or others understand.

One of the things I have learned in the 20 years I have been walking my spiritual path is that often the experiences that happen make very little sense at the time, almost as if they are a future echo. It's only later, with hindsight, that they can become clear and guide us the last few steps we need to take. It's part of the reason I feel so strongly about journalling..... or at least keeping a record of the events, dreams or happenings that take place..... once a record has been kept we can let go of those thoughts or memories and keep checking back. Sooner or later it will make sense and guide us forward, better than a reliance on just memory. Or at least it works that way for me, as my head is too full or memories and knowledge and information and one day I think it will just explode!!

Az


By Ishtahar Jun 11 2008 -

Maybe you should walk around with your head in a bag.....just in case. Think of the mess.

Ish


By Azaz'el Jun 11 2008 -

You're not the first person to suggest that i should wear a bag over my head.

mad.gif

Az


By Dreamsend Jun 13 2008 -

laugh.gif laugh.gif Oh dear. Memory mess. Might need some all-purpose cleaner for that one.


By Dreamsend Jun 13 2008 -

Fadd,

we're talking about "coming out" unintentionally. Which is really hard to explain if it hasn't happened to you.

We did talk about "coming out" intentionally in a past thread, though. (I think it was "weaving together dual lives")


By Faddewr Jun 13 2008 -

I know, I'm just here for attention.


By Ellysium Jul 2 2008 -

I know exactly what you all mean. "Fortunately" I've never had one of these experiences that really revealed things about me to others. Yes I've started speaking in tongues and having visions around others. But I could always hide it enough so that others didn't notice (as far as I can tell). Unfortunately, this had the side effect of sometimes blocking off or stopping experiences before they really got started. Who knows what would have happened if I had let things happen. Even when I'm alone I often tend to have a really firm grip on what's going on with me, so experiences don't always come forth fully. Maybe my grip is too tight... or my experiences aren't as strong or obvious as other people's *shrug* I also tend to worry too much about what other peopel think... so that holds things back a little. Bah

Some of my friends have had experiences like that, though, and they weren't always able to hold things back. It usually isn't anything too strange though lol.

I'm sorry to hear that some people seem to be disturbed by you being you, Az. But that's their problem.


By Ishtahar Jul 2 2008 -

Indeed it is.

I think you have a piint with regard to the control thing. I am sure that I would have had a LOT more and more significant experiences if I werent such a control freak


By Universal Traveler Jul 13 2008 -

QUOTE (Dreamsend @ Jun 13 2008, 04:04 AM)


"we're talking about "coming out" unintentionally. Which is really hard to explain if it hasn't happened to you. "


Hello everyone,
I've been absent for quite a while but as it is Azazel's birthday today and I went to visit his page it reminded me to visit the forum again.
I found a lot of interesting conversations and brave posts and yes I think it is very good to help oneanother like that for most people don't understand (which is not their fault) but I realize how frustrating it can be and how alone one can feel because of that.

The quote is very interesting since I noticed that it is indeed possible to 'come out' unintentionally and most of the time at the most undesired moments and situations.
For a long long time I was able to keep the two seperate, why?, because I saw them as 'seperate'.
By that I mean that the spiritual world and the physical world as seperate things.
Once it is possible to merge the two it becomes very interesting.
But I was not able to do that until I started to closely observe my actions and behaviour.
It was astounding to see how we are controled by our minds/thoughts/ego and how it connects to 'known' situations (mostly past situations) and it does not only connect to the situation itself but also the emotion experienced at the time.
It is a real mind controler and will prevent you from experiencing situations for what they are.
You see, we are not our past experiences, no matter how good or bad they were, no matter how awful, desperate, alone, in pain, miserable we were back than, it is not who we are.
So once I started to observe the automatic pilot/ego/thoughts I realized that most things we do in life is like almost compulsary behaviour and it is not the real 'me' acting.
We just behave in the way we were taught as a child by our parents, educators, socially accepted behaviour etc.
So after a while you notice the difference and you know there is always the choice in how to respond to a situation; either you let a situation control you and behave by 'known' patterns or you treat the situation as completely new and look at it through the eyes of a young child, no judgement, no emotional drama just perceive and feel, for our thoughts are not about feelings, they just reconnect to what they know and have learned in past experiences just to move back into a safe and protected position again.
But once you put the thinking aside and just 'feel' and 'be in the moment' you experience something of a totally different nature, something of a higher almost divine level.
Something of greater power and you feel that power arise from within.
You see, I know it may be easy to say that when something bad happens to just be in the moment and feel, but the thing is that when something really bad happens like for instance the death of a loved one than what is the point in linking to past experiences etc, it will not make the loved one return, but finding peace by acceptance that is where the power lies, then transformation can begin. (I know this is quite a process since we go through several stages in mourning before we get to the level of acceptance)
Death is of course a very extreme example and perhaps not the right one to use as an example but you can apply this to any kind of situation.
For instance, through meditation and opening my third eye, I got extremely afraid because of what was shown to me, I was so anxious to the extend where I even refused to use my third eye again and even quit meditating all together.
It worked for a while, like I said only for a while, and than the restlessness returned and I knew I was putting myself on a hold, I needed to move on.
So I meditated again, opened my third eye, and yes the fear was omni present again, it paralyzed me (which is a very frightening experience) but instead of panicking I surrendered to my fear and took a dive deep within that fear and walked through it and you know what.... I came out at the other end of that fear only to realize it was not as bad as I had imagined.
It gave me insight and I learned that only I could do this, no one could do this for me, it also made me realize even stronger that my thoughts had created such a strong fortress of fear, how could I imagine what it would be like when I had not even gone through it.
Very often mind built concepts keep us prisoner in our own bodies and prevent us from exploring and most important of all , remembering.
Rambling....ehhh... bad habit (sorry)

To return back to the quote...
Once you can weave the spiritual reality into your physical reality, things happen,
and you find yourself talking to someone saying things that you normally wouldn't say, you would normally play safe, protect yourself and just play the social game of conversation.
I don't really see it as a bad thing to show who you really are to the outside world but and yes there is a but...
People will indeed notice you have changed and instinctively react a bit in a fearful way, you will feel the distance between yourself and others.
That is not easy since we have been taught to behave in such a fashion that people will like us.
I have always been a bit of an odd one so I never really felt that much acceptance by others before but still.
But I do know how it feels to be seen as odd or strange so I learned how to move around people in a more diplomatic way, trusting my inner guidance to know what I can share with some people and what I can't and most important with whome.
That only works for a while too I'm afraid.
The more you wake up, the more you become aware of who you are and what it is that you are to do here and there is no turning back when one arrives at this stage (it made me cry my eyes out, I pleaded to let me return, I even wanted to end my stay here and I wanted to return HOME.)
My wish was not granted as I suspected but instead I was given inner peace, a clear vision on things once I surrendered again to the situation (the situation is what it is), instead of fighting it with all my might (have done that an awfull lot in the past) I just accepted the situation for what it was and made my peace with it.
The more you awaken, the more you realize that we also have a job to tell others about this for everyone will be going through this at one point or the other.
There are way showers necessary to help others find their way too, and to pick up a job like that is not easy at all.
It is much easier to keep it all to yourself and play the social game (at least in this life time I learned how to be a chameleon haha, I used to adept myself to everyone and everything, being different within but that was not visible from the outside!)
Even now, I am still tempted to play the social game, still pleading to let me return home, crying my eyes out... but when that happens, I let it happen... it's just a moment in time and perhaps necessary for me to learn how to deal with it and get over it.
I still have a long way to go, just like everyone else, but it sure is nice to know that there are people out there experiencing the same thing.

Azazel, I want to thank you for not forgetting about me, you always drop by every now and than and leave a comment on my page, and I want you to know that I reallly appreciate that!


By Ishtahar Jul 13 2008 -

It is so good to see you back Universal Traveller and I loved the post, it was so insightful.

I have tried many times to 'live in the moment' sometimes it has worked better than others. I am still not the best at it although I am getting better.

My husband left me recently. He wasn;t..isn't just a husband but a soul mate, my one true love (not counting Sem who isn't actually here) and my best friend. It would have been so easy to have been devastated. But somehow I have been able to find that calm place, I have submerged myself in writing dark stories and becoming more the 'me' that I have always been on the inside and never on the outside and, although I would never describe this as a positive experience it has certainly helped me to grow in so many ways.

I have not come out at the other end yet, I suspect it will take a very long time to stop mouring for Ian, but I can see the light and I know that the me I am to come is so much stronger, better and more 'true' than the one I was.

I don't know how much associated with your post this actually was Universal but it is what your post sparked for me so I thought it was a legitimate response.

Again, I am so glad to see you back

Ish


By Universal Traveler Jul 13 2008 -

QUOTE (Ishtahar @ Jul 13 2008, 02:49 PM)
It is so good to see you back Universal Traveller and I loved the post, it was so insightful.

...

I don't know how much associated with your post this actually was Universal but it is what your post sparked for me so I thought it was a legitimate response.

Again, I am so glad to see you back

Ish

I am very glad to be back, Ishtahar, and thank you for telling me :-)
I know we got somehow a bit off on the wrong foot before but that was the past and I am truly glad to be back!
So again thank you for welcoming me!

As my post did something for you, so did something I read that you posted a while ago.
The thing is I have been meaning to come online all afternoon but I was busy with my family so I waited for a while.
You mentioned something about, well correct me if I am mistaken , but you said something about your family noticing you were different and that you didn't really feel happy doing the family thing and so on... that you felt there was the family you and the real you, well I know that all too well...
Well that has been working through inside of me all afternoon...
You see, I am fortunate to have a healthy family and lovely husband and kids, we are renovating the house we recently purchased, and yet... I have everything I need in this physical world to be happy but I am not and sometimes I am ashamed to admit to that but it is the truth.
It is and always has felt like this, as if I don't belong here, I know that nothing of materialistic nature will make me happy.
It is just a longing I have experienced all my life to go home, that I am here by mistake (wrong choice perhaps)... I just never really seem to enjoy myself so my family sometimes notices that something is up but they have gotten used to it I guess.
I just need a lot of time to myself, enjoy the silence and never have been much of a socializer, not that I am asocial but lets be honest ...most people don't have much to tell apart from the daily occupations or the weather...
so I tend to read a LOT and like you also write stories and poems....
Could go on forever here hehe... but it was nice talking to you....oh and I would love to read one of your dark stories!!!! MAY I?


By Ellysium Jul 13 2008 -

Universal, I think I know what you mean about wanting to go home. For most of my life I've had this longing to go Home, and I know for a certainty that it's not anywhere I can go physically on this planet.
I'm also a bit tired of having lives, which I suppose is somewhat related. Even when I was a child I remember feeling so tired of the monotony - birth, growing up, going to school, getting a job, getting married, having kids, getting old, dying, doing it all over again. I want something different. Nevertheless, I still try to enjoy what I'm doing now, trying my best to do things I love and keep things exciting. Doesn't always work haha.


By Dreamsend Jul 13 2008 -

Welcome back UT! I'm glad to see you!!

This stood out:
QUOTE
"that I am here by mistake (wrong choice perhaps)..."

because that is something I have been thinking and feeling a lot. "I'm not supposed to be here"

"I'm here by mistake, I'm not supposed to be here." Then I question myself and struggle to come to grips with these words. I have the knowledge that I was meant to come here to "do something," to fulfill a purpose. I am here to accomplish a goal. And I strongly strongly believe that there are *no* mistakes. Meanwhile I am thinking to myself all the time "I'm not supposed to be here. It's a mistake."

Trying to reconcile these beliefs is difficult. Is the definition of "here" something other than what I'm assuming it to be, perhaps? Is it a state of being? Is it a location? Is it an existence? Is it a guiding feeling to allowing me to release what is "wrong" about the life I am living, so that I create what is "right". (that sense of unease that leads us to action)? Or is it merely something confusing that I will never understand? I cannot say. But I truly, truly feel that way, strongly more with each new day "it's not supposed to be this way and even if it were, it was a mistake that I was sent here, that I was born here, that I live... here." I feel like there was some other plan that someone screwed up when they were delivering this soul to this vessal. That's the "mistake".

I similarly have a lot of trouble enjoying this, enjoying life. I go through the motions in groups of people and superficially I feel happy but deeply, I'm not. I'm just tired of all the repetition.

I enjoyed the post, also. It made me feel very calm and at ease with myself.


-- Angela


By Universal Traveler Jul 14 2008 -

QUOTE (Dreamsend @ Jul 13 2008, 10:47 PM)
"Welcome back UT! I'm glad to see you!!


"I'm here by mistake, I'm not supposed to be here." Then I question myself and struggle to come to grips with these words. I have the knowledge that I was meant to come here to "do something," to fulfill a purpose. I am here to accomplish a goal. And I strongly strongly believe that there are *no* mistakes. Meanwhile I am thinking to myself all the time "I'm not supposed to be here. It's a mistake."

Trying to reconcile these beliefs is difficult. But I truly, truly feel that way, strongly more with each new day "it's not supposed to be this way and even if it were, it was a mistake that I was sent here, that I was born here, that I live... here."

I similarly have a lot of trouble enjoying this, enjoying life. I go through the motions in groups of people and superficially I feel happy but deeply, I'm not. I'm just tired of all the repetition.

I enjoyed the post, also. It made me feel very calm and at ease with myself.


-- Angela"

I felt my heart leap reading your post, Angela.
Leaping with joy, although it is not a joyous subject ;-)

I have the same strong feeling that I am here to fulfill a task and I have been told by a good friend more than once that once I accept my task things will become different.
Because every resistance is a struggle, acceptance is like swimming with the divine stream.
Resistance is fear based and leads to all kinds of unpleasant sensations and emotions.
Trying to stay in control is most likely my problem too!
But I experience it just like you that with every day that I wake up I have this overwhelming longing to go home, it has never been this strong as it is presently.
Trying to reconcile these beliefs I think is the key to feeling better and actually enjoying ourselves but like you said, that is very difficult.
I have learned to take it one step at a time and every step I take, no matter how small the victory/failure, I try to accept both and realize it is part of becoming.
I've come to realize that the reason why I adjust to being here so slowly and stubbornly is because were we come from things were very different.
I know that my biggest problem is communicating with others.
I try to bring across how I feel within but sometimes it feels like there are no words or at least not sufficient enough meaning wise and often I am misunderstood or even worse not understood at all. But I found my peace with that as the ones he need to understand will and others won't. Be it that way.
Our way of communicating used to be different.
The human language only exists out of 5 basic vowels a*e*i*o*u* when you look at it more closely you realize how primitive the language basically is.
I also experienced that in my writing that sometimes there simply are no words.
And don't misunderstand me, I have a passion for writing, language, words... they are magic to me so it is definately not looking down on it but merely seeing its limitations.
I found a solution to that by adding energy to the words, that way you can bring much more across than just the words... but that is another story....
The only thing I do know is that for as long as I can remember I found being here an odd experience...remember in the 80's you could buy those t-shirts with the slogan 'stop the planet I want off' well I had one like that LOL!
And not just an odd experience, I found the people itself strange as in that I often could not understand why they behaved in certain ways, it was a complete mysterie to me and made me turn to myself even more.
Even within my own family I felt like that, I felt like a stranger.
And I understand you fully when you say you are tired of the repetition, so am I.
Not so long ago something was pointed out to me and I will share this with you Angela, think about it....and let me know what YOU think.

'This life you are experiencing right now you already have lived this one, this may sound strange but you have, so try not to be so hooked up in its life circumstances... it is only a game and you have gone through this one.'

I thought about that one for a while with great interest...


By Dreamsend Jul 15 2008 -

I do agree that this life is only something of a game. I don't know anymore than that, though =)
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ARCHIVE: "Coming Out" Part 3, When you can't help it
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