ARCHIVE: Hi, First Post

By Shemyaza Jan 21 2009 -

Hi there,

Am I mad? More than likely, but I found your site by accident, a happy accident. For a long time now I have had feelings, or intuition would be a better way of describing things, that everything is not as it should be. Especially with myself. As a child I remember feeling that I was not as I should be. My adolescent years went by, major rebelious streak, I am quite amazed I survived them to be honest, they lasted into my thirties, (some would say, still going on!) Looking for something, but not sure what I was looking for, I have always had a strong link to the Tarot, with two cards standing out the most, the fool and the hanged man. I am now happily settled with a family of my own, partner, and step children and foster children, and the most sensible ones of the family are the five cats!

I have so much to say, but no way of knowing how to say it. I have no solid memories as some of you seem to have, but glimpses, feelings and fears. As I have mentioned, I have always had these feelings, and they are getting worse, I find myself staring of out into space but it is not me, it is somebody else looking through me, and what i see is not what is physically there, and as for my fascination with wings! Well perhaps I need counselling but I am hoping that talking to you all may help me exorcise some of these feelings or come to terms with who I was.

I hope to speak to you all again if I have not sent you all running for the hills


By Ishtahar Jan 21 2009 -

Can you really ask that when you have seen what the rest of us have written.

That feeling you describe "I find myself staring of out into space but it is not me, it is somebody else looking through me, and what i see is not what is physically there" is very very familiar to me. I get that all the time.

And as for the rest... well yes you may well be mad.. but then so are the rest of us. What is sanity anyway... a state defined by the current society's ideas of acceptable norms. Who wants to be 'normal'. Don't worry, in our reality you are entirely sane.

Welcome to the site. I hope that you find a place here. I look forward to getting to know you

Ish


By Shemyaza Jan 21 2009 -

Thank you for your kind words, I am sure you understand, it is difficult to talk about these things when you have spent so long trying to convince yourself that you are not mad, that these feelings are just an overactive imagination.

But now, now I am confronting this and know I have to find some way to express these thoughts before I do go truly insane.

When I was younger (I am talking primary school here) I am sure I was able to hear thoughts, so many comments of how did you know that, or who told you that, when I knew it was them that had told me, and the things out of the corners of my eyes, translucent wings, only the odd one or two, but they were there.

And now I have grown up (or so I am told) I feel like the after echo of these events are coming back to haunt me. But it is getting deeper each time.

My partner, whom I love very much indeed, would, I believe, pack me off to the nearest institution, and who would blame her!!! If I wouldn't blame her, then what chance would I have!!!!

Now I have taken this first step, I am hoping to delve a little deeper, and hopefully use this forum as a mental home away from home, if you know what I mean.

Take care,


By Seraphyna Jan 21 2009 -

Welcome smile.gif


By Azaz'el Jan 21 2009 -

Greetings and Welcome to the forum, Shemyaza,

I do hope that you find this, our home and haven, to be a place where you can relax, learn, share and grow. As you can see by now, you've not driven us to the hills running and screaming........ quite the opposite in fact. As you read through the forum, you'll see that each and every one of us have had strange experiences that have brought us to the understanding that what most people think of as simple life, has so much more attached to it.

We have no strict rules here other than the most common sense one....... respect all members at all times, even if you don't agree with their point of view. So, rest a little, know that you are amongst friends, and allow yourself to see what you need to see. Your journey is just beginning......

One question I must ask......... being who and what I am........ is there a reason why you have chosen that specific log-in name? If you'd rather not say so then that is fine, but considering the meanings attached to it, I'm just curious......... well, some would say nosey!

Welcome!

Azaz'el


By Shemyaza Jan 22 2009 -

Thank you all for your welcome,

I must say this before I answer any question, the relief to be able to talk about this is amazing, thank you all for being here. Even though I have not submitted any actual positives to the forum yet, to know that there are others out there that are the same as I is a great relief.

To answer your question Azaz'el, I do not know, I do, but I dont. Sorry, let me try to explain.

The name has chosen me, not the other way round, I can not even remember where I first heard it, it has just always fitted me like a glove, a dark and scary one if you understand. It has always had connotations that I could not explain, plus my love and enduring support for rebels. My personal email address is made up of two names, the first being Shemyaza and the second Azraial (I am using my work computer as I have no wish at this stage to scare the hell out of my partner who also uses my personal email account, I am able at times to use my home computer when she is out at archery, like last night)

Using the second name in my email address has caused me more issues, as people in general relate Azraial to satanists and another name for the devil (a concept I strongly do not agree exists). Most people who read Shemyaza just shrug and move on as they are not aware of the myths and legends surrounding him.

I was raised a Roman Catholic, a position I changed as soon as I was able to, I felt it was a false belief system that was more of a trap than a help (my own personal view, I do not wish to undermine anyones wish to believe in that religion, just my own feeling on the subject.)

I will go more into that on another thread when I have got my head around all this first!!! :-)

Anyway, back to the reason I mention my upbringing, it is more than possible that I first heard the name then, as I believe (but am not totally sure, that it is mentioned in the old testament) So it could just be coincidence that has burned itself onto my memory, I do not know, but I hope to find out. Hopefully with guidance and advice from those that have been there before and can help guide me down the path I know I must walk.


By Scratch Jan 23 2009 -

Some of the best things in my life are because of "happy accidents," and I find the more I give up the internal debate of what's crazy and just go with it, the more good things find me.

I spent most of my life wondering if I'm crazy, imaginative or what. There was a point last year that life was raining shit on me, and metaphysical weirdness was going many new and deeper levels, until I wound up saying to a sort of mentor of mine I was afraid I was really going insane. His reply proved invaluable to me on that question, so I'm passing it along to you: You're not crazy. Real insanity is when you no longer care about yourself or loved ones, and stop paying attention to whether bills are paid or where your things are. If it doesn't matter to you if your body and clothes are clean, or whether the food you put in your mouth is fit to eat, then we'll talk about you being crazy. But if you're taking care of yourself and your responsibilities, you've got nothing to worry about there.

Another thing that helped me through that bad spot was typing it out here. We're all here because stuff happens to us, which we can't talk about to most (if not all) our friends and families. Be honest and respectful, and you'll have nothing to be ashamed of. We may never meet in person, but you're among friends here. Glad you joined us!


By Shemyaza Jan 23 2009 -

QUOTE (Scratch @ Jan 23 2009, 08:19 AM)
"Real insanity is when you no longer care about yourself or loved ones, and stop paying attention to whether bills are paid or where your things are. If it doesn't matter to you if your body and clothes are clean, or whether the food you put in your mouth is fit to eat, then we'll talk about you being crazy. But if you're taking care of yourself and your responsibilities, you've got nothing to worry about there."

Thank you Scratch, reading that makes sense, and the answer is that perhaps, just maybe, there is an outside chance, that possibly, I am not crazy.

I do still care, about myself and my loved ones, and the food that I eat, (fussy eater me, always have been, always will be) I worry about the bills, so I guess that means that I am sane, just a little eccentric!

Thank you, and yes you are right, being able to express myself here is helping, I have even asked my partner to dig out her old Tarot cards so that we can explore some of these things together, (one step at a time). But it is also a place where I feel I put down that strange thoughts and images that I have had, it is a kind of mental release.

No, we may never meet on this plane of existence, maybe we have met before, but I hope that we do get to meet once more.


By Angelyn Jan 24 2009 -

QUOTE (Shemyaza @ Jan 21 2009, 03:57 PM)
"I find myself staring of out into space but it is not me, it is somebody else looking through me, and what i see is not what is physically there"

Yep, that's me too. I know what your going through, for years I too put it off as an over imaginative day dream, but I've come to realize the more you try to fight it the more it bangs you over the head. I doubt anyone will run screaming to the hills here. I'm pretty new myself, but have found this to be a haven. Welcome and Brightest blessings to you and yours.


By Ishtahar Jan 24 2009 -

Actually running to the hills sounds like a bloody good idea. Come on guys race you to the top and I'll open the wine bottle (ginger beer if you're not legal to drink)

Bring your own chocolate... the stars are amazing up here.


By Shemyaza Jan 25 2009 -

Can I have some some Mead, love that drink, there is a good little micro brewery in east sussex appropriatey named fallen angel that makes dark mead, one of the best I have known, see you all in the orchard under the stars........


By Ishtahar Jan 25 2009 -

Oh me too. I used to go to Tewkesbury for the battle re enactment in July and there was a stall that sold loads of different types of mead ( which is my second favourite drink next to single malt whiskey) He would give you testers in litte two mouthful cups and you could get wasted withouth buying a single bottle.... not that you would be able to resist because they were all so good.

The Orchard sounds like a good place to be. See you there soon


By Azaz'el Jan 25 2009 -

It doesn't matter where it is, if there is Mead being offered, I'll be there. As with Ishtahar, Mead is my second favourite alcoholic drink after a good single malt. Normally I drink Moniack Castle Mead, made in the highlands of Scotland. Think I have to try the Fallen Angel type, even if just for the hell of it.

Ah, the jokes get worse.

Az


By Shemyaza Jan 26 2009 -

Moniack is good, Dark Mead is better, trust me on this.

It does not matter what we drink or where we drink it, the company will be good.


By Riley Jan 26 2009 -

Remember, spiritual discovery is a journey, not a destination! >

Welcome, glad you can join us, I love to hear about others stories. I know all about the crazy stuff, I know I am, I'm crazy for self exploration, and crazy enough to always be ready to be hurt by what I learn of my past -thumbs up- >

And curses, last to welcome again!


By Shemyaza Jan 27 2009 -

Kraniel [note: changed to Riley - ARCHIVE],

Thank you so much for your welcome, sometimes, being last is a good thing smile.gif

Spiritual discovery is a journey not a destination, how very true, does not stop me from wanting to get onto the high speed link though!

Patience is a lesson I need to learn, in oh so many ways.


By Azaz'el Jan 27 2009 -

Ah, some of us got fed up of waiting in the queue when they were giving out patience.

tongue.gif


By Ishtahar Jan 27 2009 -

Ah, that explains a lot..... there are a lot of queues we bailed out of hun eh?


By Shemyaza Jan 28 2009 -

And yet, strangely enough, if there is a queue for a drink I will wait!!!! I may not like having to wait, but I do. Priorities I suppose.


By Ishtahar Jan 28 2009 -

True... there are some things that I have a LOT of patience for, endless, eternal... and then there are some things that I have no tolerance for at all.

Like you said... it's about priorities or perhaps it is not a matter of patience at all but of tolerance. I can tolerate the wait in the queue because it is necessary and reasonable... I can't tolerate waiting in a queue for a checkout in a store when there is only one person manning the tills at busiest time... because it is unecessary and unreasonable.


By Angelyn Jan 28 2009 -

Makes since. I hate lines.


By Shemyaza Jan 29 2009 -

I don't mind lines, as long as I am not in them!

And Ish, I take it you shop at my local supermarket then!!!! I am normally the one creating the queues! LOL

I must admit, I have been known to create the odd hold up at the check out, and I hate that, that I was responsible for the queue that I would hate to be in, but there again, as you say, they should, perhaps have more checkouts open.

Or is that me, shifting the blame

'Sighs' I hate modern life, its priorities are so wrong. Now, where did I put that bottle of Mead?


By Ishtahar Jan 29 2009 -

Hmmmm..... I am noticing a pattern here Shem. That mead bottle seems to be figuring large in it. Do you usually have a drink problem or do we bring out the worse in you.

Personally my own drink problem is that I don't have enough money to buy as much drink as I want.


By Shemyaza Jan 29 2009 -

LOL, actually I dont drink that much, but I do enjoy when I do. Normally Bitter, as pubs dont actually sell much Mead, so I have a supply at home when I fancy a tipple, or two, or three......

I think that work gets in the way of my drink problem!!!!!

Actually, you all are not bringing the worst out in me, just the opposit in fact, a calmness that I have not experianced before.

I get drunk fast, I am a cheap night out, so it never costs me too much to enjoy a drink.

I do not know if any of you used to visit something called the 'Siege of Rye' it was a medieval fair held in East Sussex every year before the local council got funny, it was primarily an archery contest, but as you can imagine the mead rolled thick and fast, and we did manage to drink the beer tent out in two hours of turning up, not just me I must add, but my club also. They had to get an emergency supply in (of mead) for everyone else. And no, I never did win the competition, too much mead was on offer to shoot straight!


By Ishtahar Jan 29 2009 -

Oh yes indeed, on both sides of the field... so to speak. I have fought through the streets of Rye on a number of occasions and ended up in Slaughter (Street?) in more ways than one. My favourite time was when a friend and I were playing .... er women of easy virtue and we spent all our time in the pub persuading soldiers to part with their hard earned cash..... for drinks of course... just for drinks.

I am extremely partial to a drop of mead and thing it wholly unreasonable that pubs dont stock it. sad.gif


By Shemyaza Jan 29 2009 -

LOL.

Perhaps a campaign should be started, Mead in pubs biggrin.gif


By Ishtahar Jan 29 2009 -

I'm up for it.


By Azaz'el Jan 29 2009 -

Count me in too..... and I'm a cheap night out as well...... but I can take my drink!!! tongue.gif

Az


By Shemyaza Jan 29 2009 -

That settles it, We will all storm a pub, until they stock mead........but which pub first.....damn, guess we are going to have to do them all wink.gif


By Ishtahar Jan 29 2009 -

and we will, of course be obliged to sample a snifter or two in each... until they have mead make mine a double single malt. I am not a cheap night out but I am SO worth it.


By Shemyaza Jan 30 2009 -

LMAO, So there will be at least three of us there, judging by this convo, me who can not hold his drink but is cheap! Az who can hold his drink but is still cheap!! And Ish who can also hold her drink who is not cheap but oh so worth it!!!

Promises to be a good outing, better make it a bank holiday for a trial run then...first ambulance is mine smile.gif


p.s. I'll stay off the whisky, I'll have bitter for starters, all the more spirits for you guys.


By Azaz'el Jan 30 2009 -

I'm with Ish on this one....... if it's not a good Mead then it has to be a fine single malt.

Talisker Ish?

Az


By Ishtahar Jan 30 2009 -

Well.... seeing as it is Shem who'se doing the inviting. I suppose it depends on what he can afford. wink.gif ohmy.gif


By Azaz'el Jan 30 2009 -

Do you think he's going to throw in a few nights in an expensive hotel too?


By Angelyn Jan 30 2009 -

And here I am on the other side of the pond, lol, no storming pubs for me. Try finding Mead over here, the Renaissance Faire is about the only place, and that's just 2 months a year. But it's coming up in mid February.


By Dreamsend Jan 30 2009 -

QUOTE
"My favourite time was when a friend and I were playing .... er women of easy virtue and we spent all our time in the pub persuading soldiers to part with their hard earned cash"


That sounds like loads of fun ;__; (jealous of times missed).


Welcome, Shemyaza... I will add to the welcomes. I hope you find what you are searching for, as do I hope for us all.

-- Angela


By Shemyaza Jan 31 2009

Trust me, if I ever win the lottery, then yes I will happily pay, the hotel too biggrin.gif

And for our friends across the pond, a little travel broadens the mind as they say, so I would assume it my duty to help there too tongue.gif

Until the win, though, a dream must be kept in the heart


By Ishtahar Jan 31 2009 -

Fine... I know how to do that, in fact I'm an expert


By Sari'el Jan 31 2009 -

Welcome, Shemyaza.

I'm terribly sorry for my late reply but I haven't been all too active around the forum these days, work takes most of my time. It's a pleasure to have you here, and a sign of the year of Change that is upon us.

My (non-human) name is Seri'el, but my friends call me Sed. I've seen my share of madness, and know it's wise of you to keep these things hidden from the all seeing and ever criticizing eye of the population-at-large. However there are exceptions to that rule; humans and kin alike, with an interest in greater things. And not just the 14 year old goth girls with a crush on that HIM guy (no offense to goths, just dumb teen *... yeah and I'll censor myself here...*). My point is, who or whatever you are, know that you are welcome, and actually quite normal here.

Peace,

Sed

PS: Not drinking tonight, single malt whiskey is indeed very good, but left me with a hangover I've been feeling all day. Maybe I'll try mead some time soon.


By Shemyaza Feb 3 2009 -

Hi Sed,

And thank you. Do try the mead, it is recommended.

This is the one place that I am becoming to feel normal. And yes, it is indeed, very good. I know what you mean about the Goth girls, a few years ago, I was in a vampire group (social amongst other things) and know only too well what you mean.

Shemyaza


By Ishtahar Feb 3 2009 -

Hey Sed, nice to see you on here. Glad youve been busy.


By Shemyaza Feb 3 2009 -

I would just like to point out one thing, I am not a salesman for a Mead company, perhaps I missed my calling there.

smile.gif


by Azaz'el Feb 3 2009 -

Ah, vampires.... the pale skin, piercing eyes, the nibbling at your throat........ I love them. Yet, they always seem to run when you show them your wings!!

*sigh*

Az


By Ishtahar Feb 3 2009 -

Hmmm... even stranger when they only do that when it is YOU showing them your wings. wink.gif


By Shemyaza Feb 4 2009 -

Probably another reason why I hid mine.... I wanted the fun too much!!!!!


By Ishtahar Feb 4 2009 -

Ah Vampires... smile.gif

But give me the touch of a feathered cloak any time... especially those really soft ones just underneath ..... hmm never mind wink.gif


By Shemyaza Feb 4 2009 -

I'm on my way...........


By Sari'el Feb 4 2009 -

I'll have humans. A lot more challenging in my opinion, to be honest. Sensing someone's a lot different from getting to know them verbally, there's a lot of pleasing and repeated questions involved. A very interesting game of words.


By Azaz'el Feb 4 2009 -

You always did prefer humans!! wink.gif

I'll wait for my archangel I think........... as usual.

Az


By Riley Feb 5 2009 -

This went from a greeting, to abotu drinking, to about vampires, humans, and archangels.... where will it go next? Tune in next time!


By Shemyaza Feb 5 2009 -

If nothing else, we do like to keep things interesting! laugh.gif


By Ishtahar Feb 5 2009 -

We always did.

Where next eh? Now THAT'S a question


By Riley Feb 5 2009 -

This is next -Irish dance-


By Sari'el Feb 5 2009 -

Well...what about we bring the old wereskunk back?


By Shemyaza Feb 5 2009 -

I am trying to win the longest Hi thread in history, what do you reckon? Stand a chance? cool.gif


By Sari'el Feb 5 2009 -

Who knows, I'll help you along the way:)


By Riley Feb 5 2009 -

-passes everyone a character sheet- if we turn it into a DnD then it can go on forever XD


By Ishtahar Feb 5 2009 -

Ooooh can I be the sexy wayward gypsy with the flashing eyes and big bosom who seduces everyone with a sex appeal spell but is evil and black hearted underneath...... chaotic evil... that's me

And as for the wereskunk..... wrong forum wink.gif


By Riley Feb 6 2009 -

xD Chaotic evil is always fun with a Dread Necromancer, esp if your female.


Lol wareskunk, why can't that be in DnD? xD My current campain char is a Plant Dragon


By Ishtahar Feb 6 2009 -

woohoo yu're on

Just call me ... er... suggestions for a good name for a dread necromancer?

Also any offers for playing the wereskunk?


By Riley Feb 6 2009 -

I used Sidha for my dread Necro because the name sounds so bad ass XD


By Ishtahar Feb 6 2009 -

Hey, what about Kali.... she's quite Badass.. or Morrigan, or Hyppolita woooo girl power


By Riley Feb 6 2009 -

Sure hehe. I'll go with my custom class and race I've been working on. Blood Demon: Born from a pool of blood in the end of a war battle, they emerge with the will of causing wars between countries and loves to turn enemy allies against each other. Class: War Elemental, Alignment: Chaotic Evil. I'm making a lot of new abilities special to my Class (War Elemental) such as Fog Of War (there's 3 levels, the second is "Instantly cast a fog in a range of 25 feet, causing 5 creatures in range to force Will Save. Those that sucess Will Save negate the effect entirely. Those that fail must attack the nearest creature only with a physical attack. If the attacked creature is also under the effects, and did not Will Save, must return the attack."). I'm getting real creative, while still trying to not overpower him, while also designing him to be able to take on large amounts of opponents. It's proving to be a challenge but I'm really wanting to use this guy.


By Ishtahar Feb 6 2009 -

that sounds really cool.

Hey just had a thought... I know I am having lots of them at the moment. How about having a game here. We could open a new section and we could all make up our characters and we could post actions and situations.... kind of like everyone adding to a story.

You are the expert Kraniel do you think that might work?


By Riley Feb 6 2009 -

xD I'm not an expert, and it will work, but I require a DM (Dungeon Master) book, which I do not have. I can try to seek either a really old version, or I can torrent the newer one (3.5). I'll begin my search.

Edit: I Hath found thyne book! Set up the section!


By Ishtahar Feb 7 2009 -

THis is proably really sad but i am quite excited about this Have never really done D&D although I know Az has so he is going to have to hold my hand.


By Riley Feb 7 2009 -

Hehe, well, get started on those things then tell me (pm or just post) what your going to be. There's basic races and classes in the Players Handbook.


By Shemyaza Feb 8 2009 -

Well, I have a Death Knight in World of Warcraft called Tickles if that is any help laugh.gif


By Azaz'el Feb 8 2009 -

Why doesn't that surprise me!

Az


By Ishtahar Feb 8 2009 -

I have a Blood Elf Hunter called Ishtahar
And an undead warlock called Fokme


By Shemyaza Feb 9 2009 -

Az you are not suprised as you are wise beyond your years, many that those are smile.gif

Ish are all yours horde or do you have any alliance?

Keep an eye out for TimeFerret


By Ishtahar Feb 9 2009 -

pretty much all horde. I have a couple of alliance but they are all low level


By Shemyaza Feb 9 2009 -

lol on second thoughts then, probably not a good idea to keep an eye out for TimeFerret! He is a lowley priest, now if you want to take tickles on, she is in Icecrown alot of the time smile.gif

Ok, did someone mention River Dancing? lmao


By Sari'el Feb 9 2009 -

Well if we're going to rp I'll be a human biggrin.gif


By Ishtahar Feb 9 2009 -

you sure you're up for the challenge... I mean they are so strange and alien....;p


By Shemyaza Feb 10 2009 -

I must confess, I am not liking being human in this life, (no disrespect to anyone) why would I want to be in a computer game. I want my old body back, has anyone seen it anywhere?

One previouse careless owner, well worn in, maybe some scaring, but very comfortable. Likes to hang around alot.

Well if I cant laugh about it, who can?


By Ishtahar Feb 10 2009 -

Yeah, and while we're at it can you have a look around for mine too..... it's the one with the long red hair and sexy curves..... ah those were the days.


By Shemyaza Feb 10 2009 -

I remember them well wink.gif

*sighs*


By Shemyaza Feb 10 2009 -

And the eyes........dont forget those georgous penetrating eyes that penetrated even the deepest depths of our bodies.

*even deeper sighs*


By Ishtahar Feb 10 2009 -

Ouch... I have my own reasons for remembering the eyes.... unfortunately not good ones. The eyes haunt me. Ah well.... among other things eh?


By Shemyaza Feb 10 2009 -

I know, I was remembering more pleasant times........


By Azaz'el Feb 10 2009 -

Get a room you two, or the rest of us may start throwing things at you!!!

Az

cool.gif


By Ishtahar Feb 10 2009 -

What are you talking about?

It felt like a knife twisting in my guts when I remembered those eyes again.... and if you apologise for that Shem I WILL slap you.


By Shemyaza Feb 12 2009 -

Promises promises. The slapping I mean. As for the rest of you throwing things at us, all I have to say is, tongue.gif