ARCHIVE: The price of knowledge

By Lael Apr 15 2009 -

I realized something, and decided to post it here - perhaps there's some advice you can offer, or perhaps you find you have experienced something similar and would like to talk about it, or maybe you've found some way to deal... or maybe you can just tell me I'm crazy. smile.gif

That, as always, is a possibility - all the standard disclaimers - imho, 2c, etc apply. As always. Maybe I should put that into my sig. tongue.gif

Anyway. Today's whining session pertains to the issues that come with remembering things. I was reading a thread elsewhere about the wars in Heaven earlier today, and it occured to me that immersing myself in the past, in memories, looking for my own and reading those of others, feels mighty uncomfortable. Pulls me out of this world, for lack of a better way to put it. I'll try to explain before I'm done.

Perhaps it's because I remember being utterly lost in the past before, and failing to live in the 'here and now' (my awakening was very violent and I took a relatively long time to pull myself together) as a result, and how frightening that was. It's not that 'going back' makes me hate humanity (I never hated humanity to begin with) or want to leave this world today (I love life even though it confuses the living hell out of me). It's that physical discomfort, a huge weight on my chest, and more confusion in my thoughts that start every time I touch upon the past. Be it trying to remember something, or reading another's account of what they believe they've experienced, it shakes me up inside even if I don't (think) I share the memories in question.

It's another matter that other people's writing of any sort always comes with a set of emotions of the writer at the time of putting the words together, which is... rather easy for me to read. But I'm not sure it's only that. I would wager a guess I might have had wards put on me (or, as I've been told once, I put them on me myself, which is a possibility but I take it with a grain of salt, much like everything else). Perhaps trying to remember, or being exposed to memories, tugs at them and creates the feeling of 'no, don't go there, you don't want it really'.

Sans my own memories, of which there are few, the things I've read were so vivid and painful to me. Thinking about them paralyzes me completely, and I can no longer focus on the things I should be doing. That odd feeling of... burning, on the inside, fills me and my thoughts are clouded. It doesn't trigger any of the 'oh, I remember THAT' reactions in my mind. Just the above.

Perhaps deep down, I don't want to remember? I've fought pretty damn hard to setle into this human skin and feel comfortable where I am, so everything that threatens it is subconsciously marked for rejection. But at the sme time, keeping myself completely away from all the matters of the soul makes me feel empty. Disconnected. I'm probably not making sense because it's a classic case of 'I want this, and I'm unhappy without it, but when I get it, it makes me feel awful'. Like food allergies. tongue.gif

A bit of a problem to chew on, because I don't know how to move on from this. Obviously the answer is 'whatever works for me', but it's not that simple. Thoughts muchly welcome.

Peace. =)


By Riley Apr 15 2009 -

There was a time where I began to get past life memories, even though there was ones that caused me pains, a few I wanted to feel pain for, because it felt unresolved, and I wanted to continue the emotion for a while in this life so it can patch itself up.


By Lael Apr 15 2009 -

Yes, I've done this - I'm more of a masochist than I care to admit, really. ;-) I suppose the issue is, when you 'have a life' in the sense of having a full time job and responsibilities that won't wait for you to get over the sulking (referring to myself here, not anyone else) it becomes a little tricky.

I might not have expressed the problem clearly... which has been the case way too often of late, now that I think about it. xD Ah well. It was mostly about sharing the emotion the source of which I've finally identified, than anything else... in an attempt to stop holding everything inside and being ever the lurker nobody really knows at all. ;-)

Thanks for the input, I appreciate it. =)


By Ishtahar Apr 15 2009 -

I have defintely had the feeling more than once when touching on things of the past that I am 'not supposed to be doing this'. As you say Lael whether I have been warded or shut of parts of myself.., myself so to speak I don't know. But there have been many many times when the pain of going on is so great that I have had to run away and hide for a while until I am forced by curcumstance to go on.

Am I fooling myself, is any of this real? I don't know,... all I know is that what I have remembered I have remembered through blood sweat and tears and now it feels real, more real than reality sometimes.

I think that part of the time the reason we remember so very little at a time is all about integrating things slowly so that we are able to go on living in this place and time

I have heard it asked... is there any point? I mean in turning the eyes backwards when our feet should be taking us forward... well I think that in order to see where the path goes we have to have some idea of where it has been... but that is just me. I feel a burning desire to know what and who I was, what I have experienced and who I have been with.... not so much that I can recrete that again... I can't but so that I don't keep making the same mistakes over and over again... which I have until now.

Well, that's enough of a rant for know smile.gif


By Fate Apr 15 2009 -

The "I'm not supposed to be doing this" syndrome is one reason it has taken me so long to try and make contact with others on any meaningful level. I did join a few lists on Yahoo and various other areas about past lives and Otherkin a couple of years ago, but drew back because of the sensation. Only, for me, it's less about what I find out about myself. It's more the feeling that the time hasn't been right for the others involved in the journey, that what I found out wasn't meant to be known by the others with whom I come into contact, until recently.

As I've mentioned elsewhere, I am generally a rather detached person. I have a daughter, but she realizes I feel more maternal toward the cat, than I do her. We've discussed it many times, just not the reason why. I don't think she is ready to know, and she does understand I love and care for her, in my own way. Love has always been a very abstract concept for me, though I was married, and have been living with my boyfriend for nine years. It's something I struggle with, not because I love too much, but because it often feels that getting involved with people on that level is distracting me from my reason for being here. I am fairly certain that sort of attachment is why the previous incarnation, who was male, ended up dying an early death. He failed, and now I am here to set things straight. That being said, I am still the type of person to be loyal to the end, sometimes far beyond what is probably good for me.

I worry though, that some of what I find out might damage others or reveal things too soon. Unfortunately, I have no idea what I will come across, and I don't have a gauge about dredging up the past and how it will effect everyone.


By Ishtahar Apr 17 2009 -

I think to some extent fate takes care of itself.... things get said when it is time for them to be said... certainly people only tend to ask the questions they need answered and know from the 'feel' of it when they are not ready to hear the answer.