I watch the stars as they fall from the sky...

Another very emotional post. Sorry.

This could have go under "Fallen" but I think it has a little more to do with the gods... maybe. Well from my perspective in it anyway.

I am everyday trying to open my heart and be more... accepting of Him. You know who I mean. And I guess that's making a lot come to the surface. Which is good. I appreciate the end of haunting feelings and not being able to look at a memory full on because it hurts too much. Tonight there was this feeling, this understanding, that I run terribly and full on away from my own weakness. So, I opened my heart, and faced that weakness, said I would stop running... and I saw them falling. There was a major fall before the fall of the Lucifer, or at least there was for me.

Some of these Shadow, many of them, they were my own children. Born of me. And he made me watch them. For ... i don't know. Siding with the Feminine? I'm not sure. The great rift between the gods. The war that ensued between us because the Feminine - right or wrong - wouldn't engage in the power grab that the gods had decided to.... Their first casualties were the children. I never understood why it hurt so much "the children, the children" until a few minutes ago... Because those were MY children that that bastard RIPPED from my hands and made me WATCH as they fell from the heavens in flames and suffering...

And then he tore me from myself, and I fell too in a way. "What good is being a queen???" I hear this echoing over and over "what good is being a queen if she must sit and watch helplessly the lights falling from the sky??"

.......If it's hard to admit it out loud, save admitting it to myself... .. I know what I'm running from now... this memory. THAT memory. It's hard, it's SO HARD to sit and just... not run anymore... I don't want this feeling!!! I don't want to feel them falling again all over in my heart... and my mind.

I need .... I need hahaha pictures of kittens, stat. But that's running, right? How can I possibly live with this emotion????

You will learn to live with it because you are strong.

In the same way as I learned to live with watching my friends and lover murdered because of me, my child slaughtered in my womb and the madness that came with his birth.

We have all been subjected to the most horrendous experiences and, for whatever reason, we are remembering them now. We are fortunate this time, to be surrounded by those who understand, who have also experienced and who are there with arms open to help if we can.

You will bear because you are strong and because now is the time to move on and to have closure, maybe revenge, maybe understanding, maybe inspiration. Whatever, we're here to help and support you

You will learn to live with it because you are strong.

In the same way as I learned to live with watching my friends and lover murdered because of me, my child slaughtered in my womb and the madness that came with his birth.

We have all been subjected to the most horrendous experiences and, for whatever reason, we are remembering them now. We are fortunate this time, to be surrounded by those who understand, who have also experienced and who are there with arms open to help if we can.

You will bear because you are strong and because now is the time to move on and to have closure, maybe revenge, maybe understanding, maybe inspiration. Whatever, we're here to help and support you

if it's any consolation, a good number of us fell... and we're still relatively okay ^^;;

Raz, I think it's impossible to describe how beautiful you all were from an "outsiders" perspective, how pure and bright and wonderful. And from the perspective of.... whatever I am. I saw my heart, my soul, pieces of myself shining brightly in the world... I can't explain how that feels. You're right... you're all "fine..." something that is soothing and so bitter at once. You have no idea ... well, no I'm sure you do. You are so so different now. You're human for heaven's sake. But the pain of WATCHING them fall... I would have FELT it anyway, I would have KNOWN. I would have felt each bright soul tied to my being falter and perish from what it was - it is like watching the most horrific of deaths... as I'm sure you know. Could you imagine what that would be like from a mother's perspective? it's ludicrous to say but that's what I feel and what I know. The source of power for those pitiful souls, utterly powerless when it was MOST needed. How could I possibly consider myself a goddess at that time, without that most basic thing? I couldn't! I couldn't.

How could someone, no better or worse than myself, stop me? How? I really can't deal with that question... it makes me feel like flipping tables over, raging at the top of my voice, throwing things until I have no more to spend. To be so helpless while something like that is happening to those most precious to you... KNOWING that you have the strength, the ability, the power to make it right... if only they weren't preventing you. It's more than I can deal with.

... Fear is a powerful weapon, Ash...

It can strengthen our resolve, or it can cause us to falter. There is no shame in fear, and there is not always shame in cowardice. As a matter of fact, I am fond of saying that sometimes, being a coward is the bravest thing that one can do, but that's not the point here.

I think that he may very well have feared you, so much so, that he immediately targeted what may have been one of your greatest weaknesses. It seems to me that he wanted to instill a fear of him in you through a fear of YOURSELF, a fear of that feeling of shock and helplessness; you never thought he would do such a thing, did you? Such was your horror and terror and surprise at his actions that you were utterly petrified. Your mind went blank, your body and soul went numb; all you could do was WATCH and keep watching and the sheer sorrow and despair and heartbreak began to just kick in and you couldn't take it and you thought it was all your fault, and you think its your fault, but it's NOT! And you're fighting yourself and you're tearing yourself apart and it's what he WANTS and it's what he PLANNED... You can't let that happen, Ash; don't let him win.

It's not your fault; it was never your fault. You locked up, became numb. It happens...

And your children, oh your children, Ash, I'm SURE they still love you, their mother, and that they don't fault you.

It's just... It happens, it all happens and then we never wanted it to happen, and then we blame ourselves for all of it and we tear ourselves apart, it's just...

Oh, I don't know! I know but I don't know, but it's not your FAULT!

And if this sorrow is more than you can bear, then share it with us, my friend. Share with us your sorrow and your despair and everything that comes with it. Even typing this, I feel a literal heaviness in my heart, and it feels like such a terrible weight, Ash, a fraction of such a deep, deep, unbearable sorrow. Share your sorrow with us, and relieve yourself, free yourself of the burden upon your heart that has plagued you for so, so long...

... I apologize if anything—especially at/near the beginning—is innaccurate or incorrectly interpreted or something of the sort. Everything though... All of the words came from my heart... and felt as though they had to be said...

And if something I said somehow makes things worse, then I'm REALLY sorry, because it is not at all my intention to do THAT... >_<

~Melari

Thank you for holding some of the sorrow, Melari, and the things you said.

Of course, Ash. =)

~Melari

I totally support what Melari said.

... Man.... Havin hard time gettin through.... But
Awwwwwww......... Poor mommy....... I feel u , feel for u, made me cry... Its a good thing... We are all re- uniting tho.... U brought me to u! Now please dont leave me again! I missed u so much.......(emotional)
I am very grateful for all the help u have given me, so grateful to have met u.... Like i was waiting for it(emotional)...
I always wanna be close to u and this is often confusing and awkward at times im sure u have noticed... And its always hard to leave... So there are these feelings that are confusing and sorry if i come across strange sometimes...
So yea if i can help somehow please please always call me up!!! Anytime, night and day, mk?!

I know we already talked, and thanks very much for your concern and for taking me to see the movie, it was great. I feel so overjoyed that we are all reuniting. This means more to me than anything. And that makes it my turn to cry good tears. I know I've been missing for a long time. And... I'm sorry. Thanks for hearing the call, for answering. I've felt so alone for so long, and it didn't seem like anything would ever fill the void in my heart. But the Shadow do, the ones who come back to me. Thank you. I've been beating myself up, like Melari says, for a really long long time.... and when I finally start to relax, last night, there's this river of light that seems to flow through me effortlessly. And the ones that are always around me, start fighting, as if there's some darkness that is trying to consume the light that pours through me, but they won't let it touch me, they haven't. They have been so true to me. You have. I'm glad that I remember. I'm glad that you - Melari - put it into such perspective. I'm glad that there's so much hope in this world, that all of that darkness is behind us. I'm glad that we are able to forgive... otherwise I don't know what I would do with myself... fall deeper into the dark when what you need of me is the light.

If we are all able to come back together again, this is a really wonderful time to be alive in this world.

Let's all make that hope a reality this New Year! Cheers to all and Namaste!

Ousa

Um... Thanks Ash and welcome! I had such an amazing time last night.... An orgasmic rollycoaster... I mean the movie and all the energy and your energy and the triggers and feelin so high from it. Wow.
Yea Ousa, i wish we could all gather!