ARCHIVE: Hi, (Dream's End)

From Dreamsend 22 Sep 2007

I don't really know what to say here. I guess I could say what brought me to this forum... An ill-fitting label, (like all the rest), but closer to the truth than any of the others. My recent revelation was that perhaps I was a psi vamp.

I rely on intuitive guidance, and from the beginning (of this search) I've been pushed by "them" deeper and deeper into facing my truth... of late, I thought that perhaps the solution to the puzzle was that I was born as a shaman (an intermediary between the spirit world and this plane). Books I read on self-professed, awakened shamans all sound similar to my own life experience... But as I continued to struggle with my demons, I came to see that that was close to, but not the truth. As a 'kin friend told me (using her own intuition) "You're not a shaman, but you're like one. Kind of like 'Jolt' is to 'Coca Cola.'"

I think part of me has a connection to the stars somewhere. "Like" a Starseed... but, I'm not a Starseed either. I refuse to adopt the label, it's "wrong." But the stars still feel like "home." I accept "star child..." In the meantime, it's a another "almost but not quite there" label.

I accept "Indigo Child." But that's not quite everything there is, either.

It's been a long time since I started identifying with Otherkin. That was my first experience of the rejection of a label. I kept trying to call myself "angelkin" or "angelic"... after all, there were those wings... But it felt like a blasphemy to call me that.

And those wings... weren't really wings after all... they are energy... but very much in the form of what humans consider "wings." I think that maybe when the humans first saw them, they could only think they must be wings and the image held.

I looked up vampirism truly for the first time the other day, and found another definition that sounded closer than any of the others before it... but still not quite "right." It was off, but by a little bit. I was something that started with "Shhhhh...." I heard them say. "Shhhh." Looking up more on real vampirism, I came across The Shadow of the Fallen website. I'm not quite sure why I felt the need to be here, after all is said and done. The story seemed a bit familiar... the image of pale skin, long dark hair is driving me these days, and I don't know why... Of the few memories I have (that I know to be such), one is of a fierce battle, in ancient times (before recorded history), where I wielded a spear.

And, if I could see myself fitting in anywhere in your tales... it would probably be in the role of some "bad guy". I have this feeling like I've done something awful in the past, something I'm afraid to face, which makes waking up harder. I have the feeling that maybe I'll have to do something awful in this day and age, I don't know though, because I refuse to see.


Maybe I'll tell more later, thanks for listening.

-- Angela (dream's end.)


From Ishtahar 22 Sep 2007

Thank you for that.

Please don't be afraid to own the title angel if that is what feels right It is not pretentious or blasphemous at all because the angel we know here is nothing like the being of light and pure good that is traditional to that label. To us angel is dark and dangerous, an etheric label given by later generations of humans to a being they never really understood but which in some ways was as flesh and blood as they were.

To have done bad things does not make you a bad guy. Wars are bad and everyone involved with them finds themselves doing things they would not otherwise have done.....heroic, cowardly. good, bad and truly awful.

There are two wars that we talk of here. A war that happened long before the fall between the Shadow and some unknown enemy that I know nothing of and Az is only beginning to remember, and of course the fall itself when shadow fought shadow and human and the fallen were bound in the earth and among the stars.

All of the images you record could associate wiith the fallen, we are all children of the stars through our connection with the Source, some of us are, or were bound in the starts. The fallen had wings which could bbe manifest or energy.

The sssh or shaman could relate to shadow. Shadow were the race from which the fallen fell so to speak. They are not bad guys, they are our brothers and sisters after all and both during and especially after the fall there were many who were uncomfortable with what they had done and were sympathetic to our cause.

It may be that what I have written here and on the main site gives the impression that I dislike shadow. This is not the case. I fear them because of what they did to me in the past but I recognise the need for the family to be reunited to face what is to come. Therefore if you feel that you identify with Shadow please do not be afraid to say so. You will be just as welcome if you are prepared to walk the path of reconciliation

However, labels are dangweos once you give yourself one in a way you fix yourself and prevent further growth outside of that label. If you feel comfortable here then that is enough for now. What labels come will come whether you look for them or not.


From Azaz'el 22 Sep 2007

Hi Angela,

Welcome to the Forum, I hope you find it a welcoming place and one where you can learn, grow and begin to walk the path towards who you were and are.

Your journey sounds familiar, it's one that many Kin walk and stumble along and one that I too have walked. During a discussion between Ishtahar and myself we realised that whilst there were many Otherkin sites already in existence, there were none that focussed on the Shadow and Fallen. So we have just began this site even though we have walked our own paths for many years.

Finding a name for what you are, who you are, can be limiting or it can be enlightening. It depends on how you view it and how much information is available in the public domain, in histories and legends or held in secret by clans and councils within the Otherkin world. I first came to understand that I was Shadow long before I even knew the word existed as an explanation for some Otherkin. I searched hard and for years but found nothing until the gradual awakening that was spreading throughout the world eventually found the net and sites began to spring up.

Then, over time, more memory returned, more pain and trauma, but all valuable in helping me to awaken, to remember and gain the insight that I was Fallen. That's when the realisation that the term 'angel' could be used. However, this wasn't the cute and fluffy angels that I and everyone else had grown up with understanding. It took a while to understand and find the truth, or at least my truth. Angel is just another name, a term that has changed over the years, moving radically from what it was to the common understanding today. This is the reason I have used the original name of Shadow.... in the hope that more people will understand and recognise, and not consider any of us to be cute and fluffy!!!

As Kin, we all have had a diverse and 'interesting' past, usually filled with hardship, difficulties and actions that by today's standards would be seen as wrong or bad or perhaps even evil. But we can't judge who we were by the world we now live within now. We need to see who we are with new eyes, new insight - to remember and become, without any preconceptions or guilt.

I am Shadow. I am also Fallen. I believe in unification, I believe in all races, human and kin, being equal. That is why I fell. These are labels but they don't limit me, I don't allow them too. There are many in the world who would like to limit us all, but we have always been free, even whilst imprisoned. Allow yourself to be who you are, what you are, and use and own the name, or title, that speaks to your soul. Once you do, it will help you fly rather than keep you in chains.

Azaz'el


From Ishtahar 22 Sep 2007

Oops, sorry Angela, I forgot to say...welcome to the site blink.gif

And no, Az I have not only said that because I always need to have the last word tongue.gif


From Azaz'el 22 Sep 2007

Really? That makes a change! biggrin.gif