ARCHIVE: The time grows closer...., where I've been the last months

By Dreamsend Jan 30 2009 -

Sometime last year I appeared to drop off the face of the earth. I apologize for this, and however it might have looked. Coincidentally (or not coincidentally?) some others went silent, and perhaps, more introspective as well.

Mine, to make a ridiculously long story short...er. ...was due to a series of energies coming through (otherworldly eneriges, of the kind that often lead to "aha!" moments and growth and self-discovery) and a series of memories and knowledge about what I am doing here that came or... tried to come (for the more it came the more I blocked, feeling fearful) through.

As that happened, I lost more confidence in my voice, and finally grew silent and censored myself for fear of the things I would say. There were thoughts that seemed to come from disconnected parts of myself, newly discovered and definitely not "integrated into the whole" if that makes any sense. In a very strange way, those disconnected parts seemed not to "know" the community as "I" do. It wanted to say things that I couldn't explain or backup if questioned about them, because it was so very different from the normal "me" voice. So, I decided not to speak at all, until i could feel comfortable doing so again... but I'm ot so sure that was a bad decision to make. Those days, specifically late August and on if the memory serves, were changing very quickly. Reality itself seemed to shift ever so slightly at least once a week. So I felt that being in tune with this energy, something that I said one week might very well prove to be false the next, right again the third week, half right and half wrong the fourth week, until the energies settled down, made themselves comfortable and decided that they wanted to be where they were. If that maeks any sense.

It was pretty tulmultuous also, simply because of the change and uncertainty. That is neither here nor there.

Winter came, and when it did I decided to make a pointed effort to honor the darkness more than the light at that time... decay, darkness, and cold being also necessary in making the whole, and rarely honored as we do the attributes of the other season, like light, warmth and growth........ and through mindfulness, began to see the shadowed parts of the self I had strained to ignore for as long as I can remember... I started to remember some things that made me cry and feel very stressed and scared (of myself)...

I began to remember... and it's so hard to put this in writing *lol* my hands are shaking from fear of what it might bring... that I am probably of both the stars and the space above (where I used to call home) and of the green and blue earth here (where I call home now..) I remembered the names that had been used for me, one I can share which was more a nickname for me and I think meant "Lady of Fae" or "Fae Woman", and one I cannot share yet because I don't understand what it means or what it means that I am.. I was exposed to triggers, like the image of a woman with pale skin almost non-human facial features, a white dress and impossibly long dark hair, looking at me with a cruel grimace. I think she may have been my mother in another place... and that I left that place to betray someone... a person or a group of people... I feel pained and sickened (literally sickened) when I see or envision that image of that woman...

Even as I typed the above I began to receive messages, like You're not scared, it's an act, it's all an act that you started a long time ago to fit in. The humans made you think that you're not normal, the humans made you think the things you could do were 'unnatural', that's not who you are and you need to wake up. ....

I began to understand that I must remember to realize that the light I hold is important and to come to power "again" whether I want to or not. An interesting question:.... I've been sometimes feeling recently that the ones who might "start the war" may be US, the "good guys." I have images from the past of standing victorious on a heap of bloodied corpses (a memory that is... uncomfortable), and images from "a" or the future of leading a charge into a fray screaming bloody at the top of my lungs. Just a thought. Not that I feel that it would be unjust violence or soemthing that didn't need to happen... and that's what many of the community is, in fact, struggling with... overturning the status quo as the offensive side.


By Ishtahar Jan 31 2009 -

I long ago gave up wondering who were the good guys and who where the bad guys. I just are who my friends are and will defend them with my life.

Many of the memories I have had have been almost impossibly hard. I have enough blood on my hands to make a river. But I have always done my best, and when I have gone wrong it has been for the best of reasons. I am prepared to accept responsibility for everything I have done but not to feel guilt or regret about it... somehow it was all necessary and now I am here dealing with the end result of it.

Names are very powerful. Don't fear them. If they have been given to you then it is for a reason. Don't denly them... it only causes uneccesary pain in the end.

Also rememeber that fae are tricky, even with their own. THey have a different morality to humans.. 'our' rules do not apply. Maybe that it what the message means.


By Scratch Feb 2 2009 -

It more likely is not coincidental others went silent when you did. I have a friend who seems to be as sensitive to energies as me, and when I'm going through intensely personal introspections and such, even those which seem to have no outside causes, he suddenly vanishes for a while as well (not just from me - I see him frequently, compared to most). These things come and go in wider patterns than any individual.

There are universal truths, but good and bad are pretty much matters of perspective. No one really wants to be bad, or at least I have not come across the personality who does (thinking of oneself as bad is different - I have plenty personal experience there). Wars are made by two opposing perspectives who each think they are the good guys.

QUOTE
"You're not scared, it's an act, it's all an act that you started a long time ago to fit in. The humans made you think that you're not normal, the humans made you think the things you could do were 'unnatural', that's not who you are and you need to wake up. ...."

I've become aware of my own act recently, which pretty much came to the same result said here. I was told by many people, starting when I was about 6, to ignore it when people belittled, teased, and otherwise disrespected me, because "if they see it doesn't bother me they'll stop." This is a terrible thing to tell a child, but finally figuring that out was like cracking the code of all the things I hated about myself. It kind of amazes me how easily I defend myself and others now when the occasion demands; that was still very difficult for me just a few weeks ago. It came all in a rush, in one of those "aha" moments, and now that hardwiring is simply gone. There was a gaping hole in my psyche for a day or two, but that quickly filled with good things. Usually tremendous shifts in character like that take a long time to happen, so I thought, but maybe that's just another cage-belief people thrust on others...

Fear often is just something I tell myself I have, to distract from something that's simply unknown.


By Ishtahar Feb 2 2009 -

That is amazingly astute. I have the same hardwiring I think although mine is taking a lot longer to rewrite.

I have had so many people hammer that particular 'truth' into me that I dont seem to be able to shake it even when I recognise it and know that I should.

The other thing I cant quite come to terms with is the idea that if I upset. hurt, annoy, confuse etc anyone else then I have to apologise, even if it was innocent or if it was touching on an issue in them and not in me... I have to save the world and sometimes the world needs to save itself and have a kick in the ass from me and not a shoulder to cry on.

We are all learning lessons some faster than others....