ARCHIVE: My soul

By Riley Dec 28 2008 -

My soul, a vast space of ego and chocolate... lots and lots of chocolate -drool- xD

Not really, I'm just enjoying being random today, but I did make this topic for a real reason xD

As said in my post about me apologizing, I'm changling, which (in my terms) means my soul is capable of shifting into another kin (I dont have a specific kin, and i'm not a mixed kin). The journey to discovering this was filled with anger and depression. Having a soul that's constantly changing and you trying to figure out which specific kin you are while your not is rather difficult and causes stress. But finally, after tons of times of thinking about giving up, I finally came to another conclusion: My soul is changeling, and has a tendency of changing itself.
What original kin I was: I have no clue, and wont be possible without much more evidence, but it's likely that I was some kind of kin that has the ability to change into any kin on just the will, what that is it has to be something with some amount of power, not sure what though (I'm doing my best not to jump conclusions as always).
Here's My kin tracker (What I've been and for how long)
dragon (undefined, was my first kin decision), about 4-6 months
Star Elf, 4-5 months
Angel, 2-3 months
Dragod (not a god, just an unbelievably large dragon), 1-2 months
Vampire 3 weeks
Fire Demon, 2 weeks

You see what's going on here? The soul changing is happening more and more frequently. The changing doesn't have a specific path, so I know that I'm not just a single kin looking for my type (other than the dragons).
What I do know is I've been them in past lives for some amount of time, the length of how long I don't know other than when I had lives (Dragod and angel were before incarnation).

I've got a very restless soul.


By Azaz'el Dec 28 2008 -

A restless soul can be a real strain and a difficult thing to not only understand but also learn from. The fact that you have learnt so much in recent times suggests to me that your soul is starting to offer guidance and understanding......... trhat perhaps as the rate of changing is speeding up, you are reaching the state of understanding your true nature.

Perhaps your Kin type is something as simple as being a shape shifter? In this incarnation so much of my focus is on trying to reopen the Gateways for the Ascension of all races, that I have had little time or inclination to spent much energy on trying to remember all Kin. So I cannot offer any suggestions other than my gut instgincts and reactions which could be way off the mark.

I can understand that a Kion soul can and will incarnate into many different lives, events, and happenings. Are you sure that each Kin life was as a different Kin Type? Or could it just have been the same soul type born into a live living with a different Kin type? Just curious!

Az


By Riley Dec 28 2008 -

I know that each life was the same soul, just in different forms of body and mind. I know I was different kin through intuition.

And yes, it's very strainful ><

I've just now started to accept that I'm just a clump of energy that changes form and nothing more tongue.gif


By Azaz'el Dec 28 2008 -

QUOTE (Kraniel @ Dec 28 2008, 11:55 PM)
"I've just now started to accept that I'm just a clump of energy that changes form and nothing more tongue.gif"

I don't believe that for an instant, I know you are much more than that. You change form for a reason, and finding that reason will bring so many answers to you....... and perhaps to the rest of us.

The difficulty lies in the finding of that reason. Don't give up, the journey can be filled with frustration and at times pain and anger, but it is worth it in the end.

Az


By Riley Dec 28 2008 -

I was reading seph's post about balance angels, and them changing in order to gain favor of whom they're contacting with, and that made me wonder if what i'm going through is related. Looking at the evidence, it would seem correct. My first kin i thought I was, was dragon, and I was in a dragon community. Next, to someone I appeared as an elf, and so I changed to elf. Then I came into contact with an angel, and I became that.

That's a pattern that makes sense to me, I know for sure that I'm related to balance, but not clear if I'm angelic.


By Seraphyna Dec 29 2008 -

Well technically any energetic being can change their form, so we're all just malleable balls of energy when it gets down to it tongue.gif I don't like using the term angel, just because it evokes the Judeo-Christian connotation of the word...and I don't identify with that.


By Riley Dec 29 2008 -

I identify pretty much any being with wings as angels xD In this case I mean the human form with wings


By Azaz'el Dec 29 2008 -

Just to step in and add weight to the arguement that you're probably sick of hearing....... due to the heavily christian connotations that the word Angel has, we have used the older and more non-denominational word 'Shadow' (Malakim) instead of Angel. This will hopefully allow us all to know what we're talking about without getting hooked on one specific religion, instead of a universe-wide spirituality.

As for the concept of the huimanoid figure with wings, that does tie in with the Shadow too. Often we had cloaks made of feathers physically, but could manifest our spiritual for, which overlaid the physical. This usually was seen with large wings, an expression of freedom and the ability to traverse the different realms of physical and non-physical realities. As I've said before, the higher the 'rank' in the Orders of Shadow, the less physical and more energy based the being....... being Grigori (well, after my first demotion or Fall), I was Humanoid in physical appearance and I did have a feathered cloak, but could also manifest my spiritual wings and make them appear almost real.

Az


By Riley Dec 30 2008 -

Ahhh, alright, I thought shadow was something involved strictly in Grigori. I'll use shadow for you guys now, for the sake of keeping things simple and better understanding.


By Azaz'el Dec 30 2008 -

Feel free to use whatever word feels right for you. I figure that by the time people reach this stage they will have come to understand the truth regarding the word 'Angel' and hopefully not misinterpret it. If not, I'm ready to jump in!! LOL biggrin.gif

Az


By Riley Feb 9 2009 -

Alas, kundalini finally reached crown chakra, and things change a bit. First thing that I noticed is that I've grown very attached to my intuition and my scanning (Which I'm a monster at scanning). My astral alertness has grown as well, as I normally spend 6 hours there on average, everyday, practicing my abilities to strengthening them both there, and here.

I finally have solid evidence to whom I am. Because of my kundalini reaching drown chakra, I'm able to take a special form on the astral that I call my "Ascension form", where I become female, my skin turns white and has a silvery glow, hair is the same way and reaches down to my ankles, and feathers spread from the center of my back and reaches out. But that's not too important, what's important is while in that form, I'm unable to change my form while ascended, I must remain female. What this could mean is I have solid evidence that my original soul may very well be female as well. It's good news, plus it's my first, and only solid evidence about anything.


By Ishtahar Feb 10 2009 -

That sounds great kraniel. You have great disciplinne to work 6 hours a day... I can barely get the energy to go to work for that long.... well actually I don't, not any more.

Something I was chatting about last night... as someone who has been working closely with astral energies.... have you noticed any difference recenty?


By Riley Feb 10 2009 -

Difference? Like how? All that's changed since I've been there is my scanning has gotten a WHOLE lot better, and my intuition pops up more than ever too. I'm not sure what difference your looking for though.


By Shemyaza Feb 10 2009 -

A whole big whirlpool that is stiring things up, a malestrom of conflicting sensations, or is that just me opening up again?

The rip tides seem to be stronger than I remember


By Ishtahar Feb 10 2009 -

Just want to see if anyone has any ideas on it before I post specifics. Dont want to suggest the answer in the question


By Riley Feb 10 2009 -

The only thing I've noticed was the relation between this plane and that one. Sometimes being harmed there will transfer to my physical body (only the pain). But on that opposite side, I can modify my physical self through the astral (nothing extravagant). The relation between there and here seems to be tied, as in the two places seem quite close to each other enough for both to interact with each other.


By Scratch Feb 11 2009 -

For the past three days, I haven't felt the need to eat or sleep. I have been, but in far smaller quantities than usual, because I make myself do it. It's not difficulty sleeping or eating, they simply do not feel necessary. I notice little to no difference between 4-5 and 7-8 hours of sleep, or when I do or don't eat. I feel almost overloaded with energy, and like my brain is downloading vast zip files of data about old gods.

Perhaps because of, or at least somehow linked to this, I've been in a state of mind I've not quite experienced before. I watched a Nova episode called "Secrets of the Bible," which mentioned Asherah. I'd been beading necklaces, half paying attention, until her name came up; it struck a chord in me that is still resonating. My mind flooded with information, lining up ideas, dreams, impressions, and "crazy thoughts" which had seemed very important but I later dismissed as misinformation or confusion throughout my awakening. Things which had seemed like random pieces of different puzzles suddenly are valid again, and make a cohesive whole. I went out for coffee, looked her up on Wikipedia, and it only made it all make more sense. I was going so haywire internally at the info I was getting, I had to copy/paste the page to read in privacy later, because I didn't trust myself to control my reactions in public.

It seems "impossible" things are coming closer and closer to physical manifestation. The weather has been oddish as well, especially the random hailstorm yesterday.


By Azaz'el Feb 11 2009 -

Asherah is one of the wonderful paradoxs that exist in the Universe and which speak volumes.

Female, a divine being who many used to worship, at times seen as being the equal to Sophia and linked to Ishtahar. A being who is linked to the tree of life, perhaps even being one of the beings what makes up the tree, she can be cut, can be planted, can stand in the temples by the altar and was seen as equally placed in the christian temples as well as those for Baal. She is also linked to the hosts of heaven and so records say she had 400 preistesses.

Whatever path of thought you want to follow, she is divine, a goddess and linked to Eden, the Watchers and our very own Ishtahar.

Az


By Riley Feb 13 2009 -

Today for the first time ever in my life, my body feels... whole or complete. I was thinking about my ascended for on the astral, and I suddenly became aware of important details of my body. Extending from my forehead are Feelers [user posted link at http://p3nguin3tt3.deviantart.com/art/Fuzzy-Wuzzy-1-90981886] (Much like the one on that moth), that extended as far as my waist, as well as a third eye (rather small, it's about 20% smaller than my real eyes, the skin around it is red, and the color of the eye is black and red). After this, I suddenly found myself (astral? I'm not sure) in a very familiar environment to what feels like a past life (The place was really overgrown with plants like vines and really large (i mean LARGE) bushes and tree's, and the place is really hill'ed). Then a man approached and began talking to me (He called me Riley, which is what my ascension form name is) and explained things from a past life (from the place I'm in). He talked about me being a person (rather an insect, which is what the forms kin is i believe. The race in that life were all insect, but they looked human) of great importance, I was suppose to be leading the race because of my rare appearance (the feelers, as well as beauty)(the people in the "throne" before me had similar feelers, but not as long and they were all male, but it has been about several generations that they had a female (roughly 650-700 years) figure, so they believe it was god-send, and I was worshiped (I really don't like that word ><) for that reason.
My main purpose there was to lead the race (quite large), as well as other things (such as being a role model). The man said I didn't take the position to a liking, and thus I continually ran off to do things on my own (mind you the place outside the city was infested with dangerous creatures and very large carnivore plants), which forced the priestesses (only females were allowed to be priests) to keep coming up with excuses for my absences (sometimes from days to weeks). The man talking to me about this was suppose to be my care-taker, as well as part of my family (my uncle in our terms, but brother more accurately in the races terms). I spent a lot of time helping people and giving advice, that part I didn't mind.
Apparently that was a life in my ascension process, my second one to be exact. It's a life taken after you've "Ascended" (aka graduating from life early, a second death), and taking the next life in order to advance the ascension even further. He said this was my third life, as well as final ascension. My previous ascension life, he wont say anything about it.


But yeah, that's probably why I'm feeling like I am today, it's just the form makes me feel like myself (that past life was my previous one). When I form those feelers energetically (in a chakra state physically), I gain a huge awareness of my surrounding, and I can sense energy from plants far better (as well as smell certain things).


By Riley Feb 20 2009 -

Another normal day in the world of Kraniel (Or Riley if you want to call me by a more accurate name), a death elemental become my symbiot, i seem to be getting more astrally stronger, and that strength seems to seek into my physical body. Astrally, I'm getting more stronger and faster, and I seem to have that happen to me physically as well. I'm such a great healer on the astral, if someone is feeling sick or has a head ache, i can heal their astral body so powerfully it will physically reach them O.o There's something going on with me, I don't know what, and it's not just astral (I'm rather afraid to say that), and I dont really mean just the small changes.


By Ishtahar Feb 20 2009 -

It sounds as though you are growing at a great rate. Be careful you don't overreach and burn out.

What an exciting journey. Mine has ground to a halt for a while. I suppose we all need to slow down from time to time


By Riley Feb 20 2009 -

I'm following what my intuition tells me to go, and so far nothing life threatening has happened. I'm also still getting a lot of deja vu's, which means that the big change (deja vu's means change to me) hasent happened yet, which concerns me because i've had some massive changes.


By Riley Feb 24 2009 -

I'm now starting to remember far more of my past now, it's as if it's a the surface of my mind. I'm remembering who I used to be and what I am. I've met with some very old elementals that I worked with before my incarnation (they're roughly what we would call elementals, and I'm sure I'm the same thing as them). On the astral I've met with my soul weapon, which is a short bow, but it can transfigure into other range weapons (such as guns, and there is no limit to which gun. Her name is Methos), and I'm slowly returning to who I used to be (and not only that, my body isn't changing kin anymore, which may mean I'm doing this right). I would like to change my name to Riley on here, but it seems that I can't =\
I feel happy about my spirituality finally. I'm feeling satisfied that I'm getting real answers instead of things that I have to make guesses on. Of course this wont mean I'll stop learning about myself, I'm just finding answers to things, and after that, I'll dig deeper into those aspects.

What I did specifically before incarnation I'm not entirely sure, though I know that I was in some group of some sort that did protection and guardianship. I also remember sacrificing more than half my life to save people before I started incarnation.

Though with this I have more strange problems arising. I've been craving soul essence, and finding that is hard. Another thing that's been arising is incredible mood swings, which I'll go from normal, to sad, to really pissed, to depressed, to hopeless and back again in less than a minute. I don't know if this is hormonal or from spiritual aspects, but I know my physical body is taking a change from my astral happenings.

Once Again it's the end of the month, and again my prediction shows true that I've learned yet another major aspect about myself. It seems to be consistent, I'm starting to wonder if there's something behind this.


By Ishtahar Feb 25 2009 -

I'm sure it does and what the meaning is will become clear eventually.

I will change your name so no worries on that score

It occurs to me that if I just change your name you might not be able to log in as yu would not realise it has been changed. Let me or Az know when you are ready and we will sort it out


By Riley Feb 25 2009 -

Go ahead and change it. Now that you've told me I'll know when I log in. Thanks


By Ishtahar Feb 25 2009 -

Done. Welcome Riley


By Riley Feb 25 2009 -

Ty ^^ It kept me logged in, so I guess I can still log in with my original name


By Ishtahar Feb 25 2009 -

Possibly only because it was changed while you were logged in, I would imagine you would need to log in as Riley next time.... only time will tell


By Riley Feb 25 2009 -

A little History

Riley was my name, and learning was my game XD I was a student in an academy for something that's roughly and equivalent to what we call an elemental. I was a pupil under a grand master, whom knew a lot about elements, and practiced a ton of them (about 8 or so). My personality then doesn't really differ from here, except less ego XD
I was commonly put through training by my mentor, often my objective was quite above my skill level. It was primarily to give me experience, but in the process my body learned to have an land-slide learning process if I'm placed under stress or if I felt competition. I was often confronted by his other students with fights (he didn't care if it was death or a spar). I beat most of them, the ones I don't I leave them alone if they wouldn't kill me. If they did try to kill me I strip them of their power, or other things.
I was at the entry level for the more higher ranked members of this "organization" (not really one, just a really large friendship), where they would bring me to protect people or other guardian things.

One distinct action I remember in that is my sacrifice. I decided not to enter the full guardianship, and wanted to begin life, because it seemed like a new and exciting thing. But before that there was someone corrupted by his wife that thought us to kill innocent people and the likes. He stole a gem from the sanctuary on the way out, which gave him a considerable about of extra power. The "leaders" were cautious about sending anyone to either try to bring him back (as in remove corruption), or to seal him and the gem. I offered myself, and said I would use what I could to seal him.
I did so, and it costed more than half my life to do so, but in the end he wasn't harming anyone any longer.
After that, I was given the white veil (something they make, I still have to remember what it does) that I will carry through my lives, then was sent into incarnation.

Methos

Methos is my soul weapon, meaning she is bound to my soul, and her full utilization can only be used by me (and she also needs me to wield her to use it, so she can't do it on her own). She was forged by my mother, who is a nature elemental. her primary form is a short bow, but she takes other forms of range weapons (including guns), and uses energy as ammunition.
She's a creative being. She often thinks certain parts of her weaponry as physical body parts (example: The gun on my barrel is my womb that gives birth to attack, and the shot is my mouth, which commands my destruction).


By Riley Feb 26 2009 -

I have learned more about myself: I'm an Ice "elemental".
How I know this is I just don't know, I would normally think I was fire because I can withstand some pretty hot heat (esp in the summer). But on the astral I've pretty much mastered the Ice element quite quickly.


Just a small update, post here if you have questions.


By Riley Mar 16 2009 -

Damn O.o This came to a surprise, but would explain so many things. Apparent I have a merged soul with my soul, making me double souled o.o My other soul is named Rashmel, you can say he's my male/offensive half (I'm female, and I'm more defensive than offensive when it comes to things), so I guess I can technically call him a soul mate, but he doesn't call it that, he just says its "A very intimate way to experience being with each other.". Why I didn't know about him recently is because he's part of my soul, and I can't talk with my soul very well, only through intuition can I speak with it, and he influences me through that. I can't normally speak with him directly, because he's part of my soul and it's hard for him to reach me through it.
Only one of us can be controlling parts of me, because he's part of my soul he has control over me, but chooses to let me do things on my own.

Rashmel is a swordsman, he loves swords, and knows how to use one. We apparently were in a past life together once, and we really enjoyed being friends and around each other, so we decided to merge.


By Lael Mar 16 2009 -

QUOTE (Riley @ Mar 16 2009, 08:07 PM)
"Apparent I have a merged soul with my soul, making me double souled o.o"

I am something like that. A counterpart, even. Except I consider myself to be part of another, not the other way around. But it works more or less as you have described, the only difference being I don't remember having a choice in being 'merged', far as I know, it was just the way we were made. smile.gif

Talking becomes easier with practice. Once you figure out a way how to tell your own thought from theirs, and take that with a fistful of salt... smile.gif


By Ishtahar Mar 16 2009 -

Hmm that is interesting.


By Riley Mar 16 2009 -

QUOTE (Lael @ Mar 16 2009, 08:27 PM)
"QUOTE (Riley @ Mar 16 2009, 08:07 PM)
"Apparent I have a merged soul with my soul, making me double souled o.o"

I am something like that. A counterpart, even. Except I consider myself to be part of another, not the other way around. But it works more or less as you have described, the only difference being I don't remember having a choice in being 'merged', far as I know, it was just the way we were made. smile.gif

Talking becomes easier with practice. Once you figure out a way how to tell your own thought from theirs, and take that with a fistful of salt... smile.gif"

Well I try to talk with him, and continue to do so, but I still don't get much back other than some emotions or rarely images.


By Riley Apr 2 2009 -

Been feeling "lighter" lately, I can't stop thinking of myself running at unnatural speeds when I'm walking down a long hall, stopping myself from trying to jump up to high places. Also finding myself use balance more and more often to help people, and I'm getting far more accurate results, and I'm finding answers to things much more clearly now too.

I'm also thinking in a British accent, and finding myself slipping phrases in the accent too XD


By Azaz'el Apr 3 2009 -

Do you think the whole thing with the British accent is symbolic.... suggesting that you have a link to or a connectionb with the British Isles, or litteral, perhaps showing that you have been British is a previous incarnation?

Considering that the largest land Gateway for the Shadow was located in what is now Britain, it's no surprise that it would start to come through to Kin.

Az


By Riley Apr 3 2009 -

It may be, I'm not sure, I've always loved the british accent.
I'm also randomly bursting into flames on the astral in a very violent way, like I did with ice, except ice was more calm.

I'll go to a very wise friend about all this, I'll repost what he says when I get answers.


By Ouza Apr 4 2009 -

1. Sounds like a merger to me!

2. Kind of a coming together, so to speak!

3. For what purpose or reason? ... Only you and your higher powers know for sure!

Beloved, I am very very very proud of you!

Ouza


By Riley Apr 4 2009 -

A Merger? Would you mind explaining what that is?

And thanks Bronz xD


By Razi'el Apr 5 2009 -

QUOTE (Ishtahar @ Feb 10 2009, 09:04 AM)
"Something I was chatting about last night... as someone who has been working closely with astral energies.... have you noticed any difference recenty?"

well, i can't say for sure if this is what you're talking about, but....

a while ago my mate and i both felt something, i'm not sure about the date, though it was about a month ago... something had his spiritual senses on high alert, and when he mentioned that, i tried sensing for anything, and all i got was this weird sort of pressure in the air. it was very heavy, almost claustrophobic. my abilities have only grown stronger since then, and that's also about the time i started recalling things.

is this similar to what you're talking about? blink.gif


By Razi'el Apr 5 2009 -

correcting myself there, it was a while ago, but like i said, dates escape me


By Ouza Apr 5 2009 -

It was about that time that I became awakened spiritually. Woke up and had a tug on my left big toe three times (thought it was just twitching) and looked at the clock which read 333 but had blood all over my sheets and an outstanding headache on the right side of my fore head with all I can say as puncture wounds to my right temple and everywhere else feet, legs, arms and even my Ass as if I had been UFO probed (X-Files). With a voice telling me to say to whoever or whatever that my team is 333 I am Inter-Demensional! Weird huh????

Love

Ouza


By Riley Apr 7 2009 -

Well now I've started leaving the window open in my room before I go to sleep. Ever time I wake up from my sleep to the smell and feel of the morning air seems to have a very strong impact on me; I feel more open, more awake, and I love the feel of the morning air. If you guy's don't do this, give it a try, it's very wonderful to awake to the birds singing outside.


By Lael Apr 7 2009 -

I have a noisy, smelly street just outside my window, though. I'd love to be able to smell something nice for a change. But I'm moving very soon, so hopefully it will be possible to try that at last. biggrin.gif


By Ouza Apr 7 2009 -

Not to be a sour puss but, all my windows are shut and everything is enclosed and in the Dark because my wife works the 3rd shift, so she sleeps all day! The trees are dieing outside the only Fae's (little one's) that I have are rabbits and squirrels that protect me, with an occasional fairy circle here and there, while the next door neighbor's dogs try to bark them away or the kids next door shoot them with BB's or Pellet Guns. The grass is overrun with weeds that I have in the past just used chemicals to remove, but now I'm too old to do anything and am still forced to have someone cut the grass for me once a week! We have no scenery and the trees are being destroyed by the High winds, heavy winter, Ice Storms and Tornadoes and flooding! So nothing really living other than hedge trees have a fighting chance to survive and these are the one's with the fruit balls on them which are poisoness to eat, even the squirrels won't touch them! Cottonwoods are about the only ones that truly have a chance to survive but their roots go deep and need tons and tons of water to survive, although there is an underground river here which is apart of a vast underground lake or aqua fer , but even that is being depleted over time by the local farmers tapping in with their own wells in order to keep the land watered for Corn, Soy, Wheat, etc.!

I'm in the middle of Tornado Alley, trying with all my might to keep this place safe with a psychic protective bubble (so far I've been lucky!) and all I have for atmosphere is Central Air and Heat and a lot of fans blowing constantly, which was a habit I picked up in Vietnam/Thailand and could never break, can't sleep or even work without a fan. Almost and do feel like a fish out of water without them being and running there! The wind in this area is constant, that's why Beach and Boeing both here and in Wichita have chosen this place to make and test airplanes.

My only saving grace is that... soon my wife will retire, as I already am (I'm the one who has been waiting for her, I'm 63 this May!)! And that if we move somewhere else, it will hopefully be something like the shire in Lord of the Rings to the north where there are hills but they are still prone to flooding and tornadoes!

I figure that if I do move it won't be far so that I can still use my ability to steer the bad weather away with another but bigger bubble! I envy you guys to the hilt that live in Country side of Wales and Northern England. I truly miss Germany and all the beautiful mountains and just the true color of green!

When I retired I could have gone anywhere in the world but for whatever reason ended up in choosing the middle of Kansas at the Crossroads, somehow protecting this Old but still running Air Base in a city of salt (Salina)! The why's, I just have an inkling that it is for not!

So have patience with me... my loved ones, I do have responsibilities to attend too spiritually, physically and emotionally and I feel and I just really feel that it's all for us... when the time is right!

Love always,

Ouza


By Ishtahar Apr 7 2009 -

I am truly blessed. I never close the window of my bedroom and I love the differing smells of the seasons that come from my mountains.

The bottom of my garden... if I could reach it throught the brambles, opens directly onto the mountains. This is truly a beautiful place and I love it..... unfortunately the mountains trap energy and the valleys are stale and sterile... people wise.

This is a dead end place, as beautiful as it is and i can't wait to leave it.... but there is no doubt in my mind that at some point in my future a cottage by a river awaits where I will grow fresh herbs in my garden and I will be as self sufficient as I possibly can be.

Ish


By Riley Apr 7 2009 -

That's understandable guys XD

Today I arrived to my class an hour early (because I got on the buses the right way, normally i would arrive there at .5 hours early), so I decide to walk around and such. I was still feeling frikken awesome from waking up to the morning air. I began to think about my ascension and such, and about my recent time experiences (Where i would seem to jump forward, or time seemed to not move even after a few songs). Today was an even stranger experience. I was looking at something on the wall, listening to my music and a girl walks by. I look at my mp3, flip a song and turn to go back down the hall (the direction the girl was going) and she was WAAYYYY down the hall; far too long for running in such a short amount of time. That caught me by surprise.

So I was thinking maybe I can shift the way the time works around me, or perhaps making a leap in space ahead. I tried, but it didn't work, but what did happen was I felt a very strong presence of a location, something that was as familiar as my body. The harder I tried to do those skills, the stronger the presence became. I felt a rush of excitement and joy through my body for a short while, and my body filled with a familiar energy that I wasn't able to identify. From then on, all the colors around me seemed to live a little, very particularly if they were in the sun (and seeing them made me feel the presence even more).
At this point, it's as if I didn't exist here, but in the location I'm feeling. Then very vibrantly I heard someone say (an androgynous voice) "You no longer belong here, your time has passed." And I don't remember what I was thinking at that point, but I do remember asking "Then when am I going to leave?" Then the person said "In time. It will come when it comes. Do not try to control it, or it will never come." And I thought to myself "Ok, so it's soon, but I'm not sure if I can easily give up my attachment to everything" Then my thoughts went to how hard life is and he said "This ascension is not a means to escape your life, it is a graduation. If you believe you are not ready, then you are not ready. By no means will this allow you to escape your troubles." And I asked "Ok, well then what am I?" "You are a soul shifter, you are whatever you make yourself. But that's merely a tag, there is no definition which can surround whom you are. Because you are everything."
And that was the end of the chat, but I still felt the presence of the location, but it slowly faded, leaving me feeling balanced, and white.


By Ouza Apr 8 2009 -

Ish my beloved,

Now, that's a woman after my own heart!

Love

Ouza


By Ouza Apr 8 2009 -

Riley my beloved,

Nice little conversation that we had wasn't it! Never forget!

Love,

Ousa


By Riley Apr 14 2009 -

a little update.

No longer thinking in the accent, it didn't last long. Been trying to solve a problem between me, and some gal on the astral that REFUSES to stop attacking me; hopefully she'll keep her promise about a pact.
On the other side that deals with me specifically: I've been feeling both demonic and angelic at the same time, and astrally I can't seem to remove the two pairs of long wings (Which don't have feathers, but cloth). And I'll tell more after I've rested.


By Ouza Apr 15 2009 -

Dearest Riley,

Always remember when dealing with a mirror world it is paramount to always be centered and never ever show fear, they feed on that! But again your and her Persona's have to be perceived for who and what they really are, which what in this case could be a number of apparent things!

Keep a clear discerned mind and command this to yourself over and over and over again again centered through your third eye area and then command the body/Soul to follow suit, so that you and only you have claim to your past, present and future!

Which means to assert your authority over any adversary and merge your positive with their negative thus canceling any opposition out of your life and escaping the mirror world and grounding yourself here back on Terra Firma.

But always first ask for Ish and Az's Guidance and support but also allow the rest of us as a team to back you up both physically, spiritually and emotionally ... that way you'll have all your ducks in line. Take Control over yourself, for you and only you create your own reality, no one nor anything else in this verse for that matter has the right, they must be consciously welcomed in in order to do you any so called harm to you so always be prepared for subtle traps!

Have faith in your own power as a Lover and as a creation of your higher power!

Ousa


By Riley Apr 15 2009 -

I hope I understood what you said, It's getting harder and harder for me to X.x
It's not that I fear her, she just really hates me for helping my friend and interfering.


By Ishtahar Apr 15 2009 -

Join the club.... I am finding it harder and harder to undersand everything. smile.gif

I am not sure exacty what you are talking about... either of you... but I can reinforce that I am always here for you ... all of you if you need me. I don't have all the answers, although I have plenty of suggestions. Oh and by the way I read Tarot so if anyone has any really thorny questions feel free to pm me and I'll do you a spread.... not too often thought becuase I tend to get very.... um.. unworldly when I do a lot of readings.

Anyway... yeah I'm always available to you all for any help I can give.

Ish


By Riley Apr 17 2009 -

Today I felt worse than worse. An emotion so complex, words, nor expressions can tell what's under my skin. I feel like tearing out my hair, ripping off my skin, screaming until my throat no longer exists, and pulling my ribcage out of place. That seems to give a general idea, but it doesn't come close to fully explain what I feel...
I can't buy a damn chocolate bar, I can feel my mom's thought hovering over our soon to come poverty, and her worry about my lack of interest in anything. I've lost so much interest in life. I don't care how much pain it will give, I just let it happen, taking no action whatsoever.

My anger just keeps coming back, and it doesn't stop. I'll be relaxed and then it will begin again.

This life. I'm not interested in this god damn life anymore. I just wish to explore spirituality. Just that. But this forsaken planet full of people who can't see past their nose, doesn't offer such options. It's a cancer for spirituality, this world is.


By Lael Apr 17 2009 -

QUOTE (Riley @ Apr 17 2009, 06:58 AM)

"This life. I'm not interested in this god damn life anymore. I just wish to explore spirituality."

The last thread I started, the Price of Knowledge it was called, referred precisely to that. Or even more precisely, to the dangers inherent in losing all interest in life in favor of exploring the spiritual side of things.

For what it's worth, I'd strongly advise you as my beloved counterpart once advised me. Find a reason to be here. It will help. You HAVE to carry on with this life, you HAVE to find something that will ground you in the here and now. I wish I could immerse myself in the spiritual and stay there, but I can't. We can't. We're here; we're mortal, and we have to live as mortals are meant to.

I wish you strength and courage. You'll need them both in abundance.

Peace. =)


By Ishtahar Apr 17 2009 -

Absolutely. That is very good advice.

I too would like nothing better than to cast off the world, especially this physical body with all its limitations and pain, and immerse myself solely in the spiritual, and what is more I know that I could... but I shan't and I won't.

This world is note a cancer to spirituality, it is a limiter for it, it makes sure that you can't become too otherworldly as you have to deal with the realities of life. If you don't, if you immerse yourself fully in the spitir then you will no longer be of this world and no longer able to funciton within it.

And it is important that we function within it otherwise how can we change it, how can we save it, how can we fulfil our reason for being here, incarnate at this time.

We will just go on making the same mistakes again and again and be thrown back here to do it all over again.

Our lessons here are hard to learn but learn them we must if we are to have any hope of moving on.

My blessing and my strenght for all it is worth

Ish


By Riley Apr 17 2009 -

QUOTE (Lael @ Apr 17 2009, 09:42 AM)
"QUOTE (Riley @ Apr 17 2009, 06:58 AM)

This life. I'm not interested in this god damn life anymore. I just wish to explore spirituality."

You HAVE to carry on with this life, you HAVE to find something that will ground you in the here and now."

I've been looking in this life to find something that will make me attach, but I've never been much of a person to attach to much. Maybe a little love and a few friends, but nothing really more. And now that I'm doing a class that I'm already failing (may go for help for the sake of my moms concern), it's making it far more harder to attach. And then the economy is crashing, and that's adding to the un-attachment.

I would love, but I can barely feel the emotion, I've always been like that. Sure I can feel it, but nothing exuberant.

I'm at a loss of what I can attach to. Even video games, which I used to play constantly, I can't seem to do. I do want to have some ground, I've been trying to find something for months, but nothing has turned up.


By Lael Apr 17 2009 -

Stick around. Wait it out. You'll find it, as I have found it, and as others have. You just have to watch out for anything "stupid" you might want to do. I messed up a lot of things in my life while I kept my ears closed to the abovementioned advice and just fell back on existing instead of living. You don't want to do that - it's hard when you just keep falling - pardon the pun - and the ground is not in sight so you can bounce back and start going up.

You'll find a reason, eventually.


By Riley Apr 18 2009 -

Well, I went online to look at more ascension stuff because my intuition told me so, so I did. I lost faith that my life no longer had ascension coming, because I feel lazy, and no matter what I try I never seem to attach to much. After doing some searching online about ascension, I came across some symptoms I haven't seen before (I've already seen a lot of sites about them, but I found new stuff today). This is what it said:

QUOTE
"* You don't feel like doing anything. You are in a rest period, "rebooting". Your body knows what it needs. In addition, when you begin reaching the higher realms, "doing" and "making things happen" becomes obsolete as the New energies support the feminine of basking, receiving, creating, self-care and nurturing. Ask the Universe to "bring" you what you want while you are enjoying yourself and having fun!"


Now, whether this is true or not, you need to go by intuition. I'm unsure about this, if I accept it, it makes me feel lazy, and just not doing anything because of it. But I give up, I'm going to see if asking for things to come my way to get me busy and gain interest in something, instead of fighting it. If it doesn't work, I'll return to fighting my laziness. I don't like feeling lazy at all, I feel like I'm letting down my myself, and most importantly my family.

I wonder how this will go.

Edit: Here's the site link, most of the info you'll find repeated in other sites. I'm following my intuition on this information that most info is accurate. But ascension symptoms vary to everyone, so follow your nose. The Site [user posted link at http://www.think-aboutit.com/Spiritual/AscensionSymptoms.htm]

By Lael Apr 18 2009 -

What does ascension mean to you, personally? As in, not its importance, but how you define it.


By Ishtahar Apr 18 2009 -

Don't look just open. If you are open to beauty you will see it everywhere, in the sun, in the rain, in the eyes of the person you would least expect to find it in, in the wind, in the movement of animals, in the roaring of the truck on the motorway, in the fresh smell of the morning, in the velvet darkness of the night, in anything, in everything,

As for ascention...hmm... can you ascend from something you have no connection with, can you sprinboard to the stars if you have nothing to kick off against?


By Riley Apr 18 2009 -

QUOTE (Lael @ Apr 18 2009, 10:06 PM)
"What does ascension mean to you, personally? As in, not its importance, but how you define it."

Ascension.... It means graduation for me, like leaving school early for doing a good job for something.

And ascension, for the way I've been being taught is about removing the anchors that keep me here, and just letting go. But when I try, I get concerned about my family, and friends and what will happen.

Ascension is about floating, not kicking off the ground and flying off, I believe.


By Lael Apr 18 2009 -

Once upon a time, someone asked me what was the deal with the wings... I told them it's not about flying - it's about not caring what's beneath your feet.

I don't know if it's right to expect to remove yourself so far away from the things we come to care about. There is nothing wrong with caring about your family or being concerned about the future. It is, after all, one of the things that make us human - all right, mortal, perhaps, not human per se, but that's a question of terminology and I think you know what I mean.

If I'm allowed to make a guess, I would tell you in my eyes you are - consciously or less so - looking for a way to free yourself from fear. The fear that comes with everyday problems, with loss or possible loss, with the realization that we are brittle and tomorrow is always uncertain. That fear is in everyone - we feel it because we're attached, just as you say, but removing that attachment might just make us even less human than we are.

Fear can be a positive or a destructive force, depends on whether you focus all your resources on fighting it instead of on doing what you can to keep moving forward, or if you let it pass through you, acknowledge it, and turn it into something that spurs you onward. I don't believe you need to remove all attachment so you can float. Perhaps all it takes is learning when it's better to stop fighting - that's not always failure, when you look closely enough. Often we get so caught up in the fight we miss the moment when it becomes pointless, just for the sake of it.

I ramble and make arrogant assumptions here, for which I apologize, but these are my thoughts on it and perhaps between the lines there's something for you to help you understand yourself better. If not, just move along, nothing to see here... smile.gif

Peace.


By Ishtahar Apr 19 2009 -

As has been said before ascention is personal and therefore different for each person, at least the interpretation of what ascention is.

There are Eastern phylosophies which require disconnection from the world in order to achieve transcendence but that is not ascention.

Ascention is becoming something more than you are, immersing yourself in the Source and being changed by it. You can't immerse yourself in the Source if you are floating above it.

To me ascention was about becoming more a part of the world not less, more in tune with its movements, it's breath, more in step with the Source. My duty was to heal and to prophesy, to make the earth whole and not to leave it.

Nothing that we were about was to float above the earth and thereby absolve ourselves from the responsibility for being part of it and shaping its destiny. We cannot lead, we cannot teach, we cannot save if we are not part of that which we seek to influence.

Transcendence may be the way for some but not for me, what's the point? What would you do once you achieve it... once you were wholly emersed in the spirit. It would be fine I suppose if you were living in a monestery with others to care for the basic needs of your body so that you could become wholly of the soul but you would be separate from the earth, from your brothers and sisters from the Source which is, after all as much physical as spiritual and for me there would be no point in that.

If this is what you seek Riley then that's fine but be careful how you go about it. You have to pay attention to the physical world until you reach a place in your life when you are safe to let go of it. If that is what you seek then you need to plan a physical path to walk in tandem with your spritiual one so that you are are safe when you 'float' because at some point you will not be able to come back.

Ish


By Riley Apr 24 2009 -

Well, in my biological clock it says the month has passed. What was gained this month? My freedom from some girl that troubled my life, hopefully never to see her again. Other than that, no spiritual progress has been made, or at least anything significant. Depression has beat me down and harmed me, but hopefully that will be over with for a while.

What's to come next month? My spiritual change which I predicted isn't suppose to be at the end of this month as what it normally is, but in the middle of next month. What I feel is a dramatic change, and I'm interested to see what comes about this change, or if it comes, or comes in a way I may not see at first. Whatever is coming, it will come, I'm sure of that it's planned for next month or something soon after the said month.

Downsides, I still haven't found much motivation to do things, but one of my spirit guides is urging me on, and that's what I'm using to keep me going I guess.


By Ouza Apr 25 2009 -

Everything, is going as planned !!!

Just have faith, in your higher power and never ever lose hope!

Unconditionally,

Mat wink.gif

p.s. Never guess ... Always know !!!


By Riley Apr 27 2009 -

Release the ChaOs

Release the chaos from my heart and see,
Rip the skin off my face and flee.
Fear is joy,
Watch me BLEED.
See my masterpiece,
Eat my soul and scream.
Set things ablaze and watch the flames of greed!
Run here, run there,
Beat your face in and let the pain bring a smile,
Because joy is true happiness,
That's why.
I burn my skIN In fear...
And enjoy feeling what's there.
Submit! to DARKNESS,
Let your egO run FREE!
Laugh for insanitY,
Laugh for HAPpiness,
Laugh for ragE.
Release the chaOs in my heart,
WATCH ME BLEED.

Author's Comments
Feeling chaotic right now, feels good actually. Enjoy the poem.


By Riley Apr 28 2009 -

Why is it I must always have problems? I've never had them like this much before (not related to life problems). I've removed the problem of the girl trying to harm me, and now I have some entity which none of my friends can manage to scan (all are very trustworthy in their abilities), not even I can seem to feel him. He seems to be helping me by giving abilities, but I feel his intentions are for ill-will. He's influencing my thoughts and forcing me to think differently. He's giving me abilities which I didn't ask for. His philosophy is "You cannot find what you see until you stop seeking.", and he tells me to stop thinking, and just know. His thoughts are strange, and it brings me to melancholy. When people ask to assist me, I want help, but I have such a strong urge that says no that I break down in sorrow. whatever I do it seems that it's what he wants, that either fighting him, or obeying him is exactly what he wants. He concerns me, and his logic is actually reasonable, it don't see too much flaw because when I attempt his philosophies they work, which greatly concerns me, a being that is trying to control you, teaching you things which are beneficial.


By Scratch Apr 30 2009 -

QUOTE (Riley @ Apr 28 2009, 03:36 AM)
Why is it I must always have problems? I've never had them like this much before (not related to life problems).

Sounds like you're drawing attention to yourself. That's unfortunate, if this influencer of yours is indeed intending ill. Glad you got rid of that outright attacker.

"You cannot find what you see until you stop seeking." makes some sense, but smacks of nonsense to me in a sense. The melancholy aspect is a warning flag, as well as your inability to exercise your desire for help. Thank you for bringing it up here.

If there weren't some benefit to both people, no relationship would take place. Unfortunately, that does actually apply to abusive, and parasitic relationships as well. If he weren't giving you something, he wouldn't have any control over you. There's always a way to resist or break the relationship if need be. Only you can know when and if that's what needs to happen, and the best way to go about it. Just keep that in mind if you're feeling bullied or intimidated. This is all from personal experience.

Also, there was something earlier on this thread (I think), about wanting to live completely in the spiritual, and not seeing use for this mundane world (paraphrasing). This world is very much in the spiritual, if you look for it. That's the nasty trap trick, thinking they're somehow separated from each other. You can go from one to the other and back; so can a lot of things. It's all comprised of raw energy, moving all over the place. Life has its ups and downs, no matter where you're living it, and all of what I just said is mainly a coping mechanism of mine with my version of the feelings you described. Just please keep your chin up sister. It's going to be hard as hell, but great things are happening.


By Ishtahar Apr 30 2009 -

You cannot find what you see until you stop seeking..... made me smile. Someone told me something very similar once and I hated them for it... but they were right.

When you are thrusting forwards, looking for answers 'out there' it is very easy to overlook the fact that the answer has been there for a long time 'in here'. Everyone needs a break from seeking now and again to assess their positon, reassess what they are seeking for and what they have already found.

Perhaps this would be a good time to just stop, sit back, take stock and try to define exactly what you are looking for and, who knows, you may find that you have already found it, or part of it, or at least have a better idea of what 'it' is.

Good Luck
Ish


By Azaz'el Apr 30 2009 -

QUOTE (Ishtahar @ Apr 30 2009, 01:31 PM)
"You cannot find what you see until you stop seeking..... made me smile. Someone told me something very similar once and I hated them for it... but they were right."

Don't you just hate it when that happens!!!! wink.gif

Az


By Riley May 1 2009 -

After some walking today earlier when I was almost home, I noticed my shadow had a red aura. The person that's been manipulating me is my own shadow, and he's told me he was a part of me, but I didn't want to believe that. He does confirm that he's in my shadow.

How my shadow has a mind of it's own I'll never know.


By Fate May 1 2009 -

The shadow

Sex and the life instincts in general are, of course, represented somewhere in Jung's system. They are a part of an archetype called the shadow. It derives from our prehuman, animal past, when our concerns were limited to survival and reproduction, and when we weren't self-conscious.

It is the "dark side" of the ego, and the evil that we are capable of is often stored there. Actually, the shadow is amoral -- neither good nor bad, just like animals. An animal is capable of tender care for its young and vicious killing for food, but it doesn't choose to do either. It just does what it does. It is "innocent." But from our human perspective, the animal world looks rather brutal, inhuman, so the shadow becomes something of a garbage can for the parts of ourselves that we can't quite admit to.

Symbols of the shadow include the snake (as in the garden of Eden), the dragon, monsters, and demons. It often guards the entrance to a cave or a pool of water, which is the collective unconscious. Next time you dream about wrestling with the devil, it may only be yourself you are wrestling with!


By Riley May 1 2009 -

QUOTE (Fate @ May 1 2009, 04:23 PM)
"The shadow

Sex and the life instincts in general are, of course, represented somewhere in Jung's system. They are a part of an archetype called the shadow. It derives from our prehuman, animal past, when our concerns were limited to survival and reproduction, and when we weren't self-conscious.

It is the "dark side" of the ego, and the evil that we are capable of is often stored there. Actually, the shadow is amoral -- neither good nor bad, just like animals. An animal is capable of tender care for its young and vicious killing for food, but it doesn't choose to do either. It just does what it does. It is "innocent." But from our human perspective, the animal world looks rather brutal, inhuman, so the shadow becomes something of a garbage can for the parts of ourselves that we can't quite admit to.

Symbols of the shadow include the snake (as in the garden of Eden), the dragon, monsters, and demons. It often guards the entrance to a cave or a pool of water, which is the collective unconscious. Next time you dream about wrestling with the devil, it may only be yourself you are wrestling with!"

I'm following my intuition and agreeing with you, simply because I've grown far more attached to my intuition lately.


Today I woke up feeling very close to a location I was at before incarnation. And now, not too long ago, I felt as if someone fell of the face of the Earth, then I began to feel as if I was drifting in a void of darkness, and I began to feel lonely, and now I feel very lonely, as if nothing is there for me. My mind tells me (in intuition, not directly) that she committed suicide.

I'm now beginning to feel as if I'm connected to beings on a higher plane. It makes me feel strange saying that, because I don't like saying it, it almost makes me feel as i I'm only trying to feed my ego.


By Azaz'el May 2 2009 -

Perhaps the fact that you realise that what you say could be interpretted as ego, shows that your ego is being kept in check and that you are talking your truth. Often when a person boasts about what they do, who they know etc etc and imply it is with higher beings and see nothing wrong with tihs, it can show their ego is taking over.

As for the shadow, we have made a problem for ourself by having Kin called Shadow and a side of the ego called shadow.......... hence the capital letter, for those who are new to he site.

Az


By Riley May 3 2009 -

QUOTE (Azaz'el @ May 2 2009, 10:06 PM)
"Perhaps the fact that you realize that what you say could be interpreted as ego, shows that your ego is being kept in check and that you are talking your truth. Often when a person boasts about what they do, who they know etc etc and imply it is with higher beings and see nothing wrong with tihs, it can show their ego is taking over.


Az"

Yes I know, but I still feel guilty and egotistic. =\



But in other news, I can feel the effects that are soon to come from the expansion. A lot of the expansion is going to not be felt, but some that I feel is all my chakra's will grow far larger. The rest, I feel that I really don't care anymore strangely. Hm.


By Riley May 5 2009 -

Sorry for lack of posting. I've been going through a LOT of negative emotion. I'm feeling more and more lonely, and the thought that I can't feel love very well is a knife to my gut. I'm jealous for the first time in a very long time, I want to feel what people call love but I can't so easily, because I can't feel attachment easy either. Today I felt an intense mix of anger, rage, sorrow, lust for love, depression, regret, lack-of-motivation, and most of all loneliness, and felt that I was going to beat my head against something until I'm satisfied with an injury. I'm also getting next to no sleep, two days ago getting about 5-4, and then last night none at all, I was really awake the entire night, and now.. now I'm going to have to stay up all god damn night because I lack the feeling for sleep.


Edit: Well, my friend threatened to harm me and... why did it make me feel better, I no longer felt alone when he did even though he wasn't serious. Even just something like duct taping my head to something makes me feel better. Can someone please help me figure out WHY?


By Dreamsend May 5 2009 -

two things:

1. the past couple of days have been very intense, energetically speaking. I had an episode myself last night where I had a period of mood shifts over several hours starting with rage (for no reason that I could tell), ranging to acceptance, sadness, confusion, loneliness... all while I was sitting minding my own business. I was confused at first and thougth that it may be that someone close to me was having these feelings, but when I started getting visions (around 4 or 5 in the morning) of strange animals that were trying to guide me and hearing an urgent message from a sister I guess I had in some past time, then I started to realize that it was bigger than me or the people closest to me.

I've guessed that as we get closer to awakening ("the" awakening.) that bonds are being let loose... I've been feeling more comfortable with being myself in recent weeks, though accompanied with that come startling (to others, I'm sure) personality changes, and releasing emotions that have been part of the makeup of my being for who knows how long. It's painful, but it's a process. If what you're describing is related, and this particular energy surge I think was everywhere so it may be, then you have to ride it through. Emotions, I've learned are not bad really, any of them. Feel, but don't hold onto anything. Let it pass through you.

2. love =/= attachment. Attachment to those we love actually is counter to "love". I can expand on this further if you want.

Rough times are not necessarily "bad". As much as I hate them, I've started to appreciate them because... it's necessary.


By Riley May 5 2009 -

Yes, expansion on the second part there would be nice


By Fate May 5 2009 -

QUOTE (Dreamsend @ May 4 2009, 11:48 PM)
"1. the past couple of days have been very intense, energetically speaking. I had an episode myself last night where I had a period of mood shifts over several hours starting with rage (for no reason that I could tell), ranging to acceptance, sadness, confusion, loneliness... all while I was sitting minding my own business. I was confused at first and thougth that it may be that someone close to me was having these feelings, but when I started getting visions (around 4 or 5 in the morning) of strange animals that were trying to guide me and hearing an urgent message from a sister I guess I had in some past time, then I started to realize that it was bigger than me or the people closest to me."


Ordinarily, I don't do well with long periods of time away from "home base," but I was ok this month. Unlike some, I haven't had mood swings, and considering all the events of the past month (my glasses breaking, my sister outing me to my mom as a pagan after 16 yrs of keeping it secret, my condo being flooded, and my daughter having an ongoing virus), I should have been more angst-ridden/angry. I've been living in hotels, not using room service, but felt alright.

I had ordered a copy of Lupa's A Field Guide to Otherkin, and am almost finished with it. A good basic read, if anyone hasn't already read it, though there isn't much information on Angels. I've been thinking a lot of animal magick, however, as a result. I definitely have felt more in "my skin" (or "my coat" if you prefer), and am working on fleshing out the details of my history using magick I'm devising as I go along. I've had a lot of visions myself lately, visitors, etc


By Scratch May 6 2009 -

Whoo, am I glad to hear I wasn't the only one going crazy last night!

I was kicked back watching a movie, drinking some wine, and then my solar plexus blew up. I was grateful to be alone in a house at that point (haven't howled and roared like that in a while, and my voice has intense reverberation now - would NOT have been good if I were still sharing walls), although I'm lucky enough to have an understanding and attuned roommate, who kindly let me unload the nastiness swirling through my head when he got home. It seems I had a pretty big energy block there, which is draining itself out. Whenever I think I'm close to done clearing out all the baggage and bull I've been carrying, another kablooie catches me completely off-guard.

Whatever the reason/s, I haven't felt this bloody horrible since I started climbing out of my black hole of depression in the first place. A lot of longing and loneliness here too Riley, and crushing delusions of worthlessness because the man I love is doing the friends thing so far (or at least that was the excuse attached to those feelings). Fortunately, this time I wrote and drew how I was feeling and threw it away, instead of marinating in self-loathing like I used to. Keeping shit like that inside is about the worst thing to do when it manifests.

Dreamsend, you are so right that attachment is counter to love. Thank you for saying that.


By Ishtahar May 6 2009 -

I didn't experience the same things... quite the opposite. I have been totally drained lately and last night I slept. I came home from work by 3 and I basically slept all night. I fell asleep on the sofa with a hot water bottle because the other thing I have been is cold. My son woke me for basic needs and I woke up briefly to go to bed. And it's not the first time either.

Strange
Ish


By Fate May 6 2009 -

Sending some healing energy out to all of you. Hope things improve, that you find what you need, and that you're restored to functionality soon. Yes, I'm very bad with well wishes, but the intention is there.
Best,
Fate


By Riley May 6 2009 -

Sorry for being away, I've been exploring myself. And it seems we're all having these problems, it could or could not mean anything, it certainly wont mean anything until we think it does


By Riley May 7 2009 -

Warning, gets into a bit of BSDM, but nothing explicit, also get into my personal life

Today i feel like i've accomplished something on so many levels, two major ones as being a son, and another as being a sub. Let me tell you a short backstory first. In the recent months, i've been plagued with depression, anger, and sorrow, at myself. Of course, everyone feel that about themselfs, but me, i felt that i was lacking motivation to do anything, my life was in the pits, and i could NOT find any motivation to get me going, even as poverty stared me down. For the longest time i thought i was useless, that i was heading towards my own decimation. That is a mind (and body + spiritual) blow, i thought my life was over with. Eventually, my sexuality came back into "season" (i have periods where i feel extremely sexual, others where i feel very little) and i felt a rush of being subby. That feeling knocked me back into my research about Dom/sub and Master/slave. i talked with a few friends about it, and i was lead to a fetish site. i did a few things, began to look for a teacher for training me to be a sub. Now, i'm still in development of my Dom/sub philosophy, and it's hard getting on foot with a subject I don't know every much, but first i believed something couldn't be done without the Dom's permission (of course that part varies from person to person), so let me explain what happened today.

Today, my mom (whom i roommate with) just wanted me to vacuum the floor, and take out the trash, and pick up a little. So i though "Ok, more chores, how boring is that?". my thoughts eventually turned to my submissiveness, and my philosophy slowly changed (mind you slowly, i stood in a single spot for a good half hour thinking), i began to change the look of how i did my chores. I thought my mom as a Dom, as well... many parents are Dom, and that i'm her sub. What came next i never expected, i took out the trash, and began to pick up, the more i though my mom as a Dom, the more i felt happiness build up. Not only did i just "pick up" i "PICKED UP" the entire apartment, i put everything away. Then when it came to vacuuming, i vacuumed the entire apartment, even moving furniture to further pick up and vacuum. Then i went to my mom/sisters room (they share a room) and made their bed, picked up their room and vacuumed it, then i went to my own bedroom and really cleaned up and vacuumed my dirty floor. After all that, i went through the apartment to check for anything i may have missed. Then after all that, i felt exuberant, i felt excited and very happy at what i did. i walked around the apartment quite a few times still checking for things to put away, i felt so good. Then i got an idea, then wiped off the dirty dishes, put them into the dishwasher, turned it on, and put them away later. My mom came home and was thrilled, and seeing her thrilled made me feel thrilled. Eventually alter i heard her talking on a phone bragging about how good of a job i did.

I have never felt that motivated before, i'm even having my mom teach me how to use the washer/dryer so i can do the clothes and fold them and such. NEVER before have i had this kind of motivation, and now i KNOW that finding someone and doing this for them (most likely 24/7) is my calling for happiness (of course i wont always be happy, but this is what i'm made for). Never before have i felt that happy about doing those kinds of things. i'll never look at chores the same way again

-Riley


(This is a repost form a site so i dont have to retype it)


By Fate May 7 2009 -

QUOTE (Riley @ May 6 2009, 07:46 PM)
"Warning, gets into a bit of BSDM, but nothing explicit, also get into my personal life"


Not sure if your (and therefore this) post will be allowed to remain, but I find it interesting you've found your motivation. I tried the lifestyle as a sub for about eight years, but it's just not the end of the spectrum where I belong. I've tried every related site on the web with no success, but then my requirements aren't Domme seeking male sub either, which makes it harder. Good luck to you though, if you have indeed found your factor. smile.gif


By Riley May 7 2009 -

QUOTE (Fate @ May 7 2009, 04:09 PM)
"QUOTE (Riley @ May 6 2009, 07:46 PM)
"Warning, gets into a bit of BSDM, but nothing explicit, also get into my personal life"


Not sure if your (and therefore this) post will be allowed to remain"

I'm sure it will be fine, it's nothing explicit, but if it needs to be erased then I'm fine with that.


By Ishtahar May 7 2009 -

Personally I really can't see any reason why the post should not be allowed to remain. If anyone complains I will deal with it then but until then it is an interesting insight and it stays.

Not sure that as a mother I would be comfortable for my children to me thinking of me in the Dom/sub way though. Maybe you should talk to her about it.

Ish


By Azaz'el May 7 2009 -

I have to admit that I see nothing wrong in the post ... for those that understand it is fine, for those that don't, it is fine.

But, like Ish, I'm not sure that placing the concept of Dom in your mother is the best way to deal with this in the long run. Short term is fine I think, but maybe later there should be a shift of dynamics and focus. However, it also depends on the nature of the sub/dom relationship. Usually this type of relationship has a sexual nature, but maybe it is posible for you to remove the sexual side and purely exist in the submissive nature to give an emotional uplift, in which case it will perhaps work well for all concerned.

Az


By Riley May 7 2009 -

Yes, this is purely non-sexual, and i'm just thinking about how my mom would be happy about the outcome, not AS a Dom, but like one. And being sub isn't always about the sexual relationship, some people think it's purely NOT about it, that the sub should only be about service.


By Dreamsend May 9 2009 -

=)




To understand why love =/= attachment, you must examine and truly understand the nature of "attachment". It "attaches" you to something. There is a negating of freedom, at any level, when you are attached (you are less free, the thing or person you have attached to is less free).

Love is boundless and is not contained, confined, or controllable. Love does not *limit* (keyword). Love *uplifts*. Love lifts and sends people/things/events towards their destiny, which may or may not be entangled with yours. ("If you truly love something, set it free")

It's pretty hard to explain what exactly I mean... It's best explained by people who have learned to love unconditionally (and I am not one). I understand the concept and what to aim myself for. The practice is so much harder, and out-of-step with the habits we've (I've) formed in the modern world. We infer somehow that love implies ownership. I "love" this person, so they must stay with me. This person must stay the same, or change the way I would have them change. This is not true love, but what we as a people have transformed love into.

Perhaps to better explain, I could say also that to love is to be attuned to the spirit of giving. Giving freely (without expectation) creates a cycle in which that which has received feels the impulse to give (and you receive, openly, with gratitude). And when you feel love (for others) and give love (without conditions or expectations of what the love will "earn" for you, or get you in return) then you are made more open to receive love in all its forms, romantic, divine, platonic, pure ("agape"). It is as if love and attachment are two separate energies. We don't have to have one to have the other. Attaching yourself to someone or something (tying yourself to them) is not in the best interests of either of you, and is not love.


Hopefully that was helpful, ^^;

A


By Riley May 9 2009 -

Yes, it was helpful, thank you.


By Ouza May 9 2009 -

Maybe it may be just as simple as using Electricity, Gravity or even Magnetism as prime examples with water salt and minerals being the final conductive ingredients to the soup!

Love could also represent both being attracted too or even being held down! Different Polarities attract while same polarities repel! This is true in life and as, I would assume also, in the final understanding and recognizing of all personal relationships looking at it from a different angle or so called perspective!

Mind (That Grey Matter between the ears) is a bio-electric conductor transmitter and receiver! And with the proper training or meditation techniques it could be piqued to perfection (Cause and Effect), i.e. the so called fakirs of India levitating *** as a small example of the overall application effect! ***!

Isn't it said ... that we only use less than a tenth of our cranial capabilities. By allowing the so called Third Eye (Pineal Gland) to become active and attuned it would and could have a definitive effect on the final outcome of our lifes here on earth only if and when we would be really willing to change our perspectives for just a little bit!

But is it chemical, biological or spiritual in nature? Or just simple applied electrical impulses being constantly recorded too and in the brain, thus having that so called wrinkly effect!

I would have to finally come to the realization and agree on all of the above! It would be all of this ... and so very very much more!

Ouza


By Riley May 30 2009 -

Howdy all, just giving another update on things that's been going on lately.

First off, I'll begin with my abilities. I seem to be developing stronger physical telepathy, I'm beginning to see into others thoughts randomly. It's both exciting and concerning. Another thing is my energy sensing is becoming better as well, but it's making me more susceptible to the energy as well.

In other news, my astral body is yet again stuck in a form, this one is quite interesting. My skin is clear, but a little metallic, and under that you can see some black muscle type substance. I've become 8.5 feet, my feet more of resemble like those aliens from Halo. My head has four black eyes, and my mouth has four flaps that open strangely, and my tongue feels weird too (I also have four tentacle coming from the to/side of my head). My fluids seem acidic to only anything biological. Me and my friend suspect this is another fae form, much like the one I've explained with the feelers.
From this form, my physical body is undergoing a large energy shift. Most of the time I feel confused and weak from the change, but eventually everything will settle down.