Strange Thoughts on a March Afternoon

Maybe it's the smell of the chlorophyl in the freshly cut grass.
Maybe it's the Bok Choy not sitting with me right.
Maybe it's the Pink Floyd playing on my iTunes.

Strange Thoughts, like strawberry flies. Rare, but instantly recogniziable.

How many things do we do in a day?
How many things do others do in a day?

Every year is getting shorter

Or more importantly, how many things do we prove in a day?

Many people I've asked this seem to think as if I'm some philosophy major, doing for work for a thesis. Others just think I'm high or bored; which is more believeable than the thesis.

kicking around on a piece of ground in your home town

What do I mean by prove?

I've always thought of experience of being alive in the world as an experiment of sorts, where the variables are too numerous to count, and the control over it is slim to none. Like some off-beat psychological research test.

When you do things that are isolated from need or want, why do you do it?
Moral Principles?
Spiritual Ideals?
Social Standards?

The Sun is the same in a relative way

Take for example, me. I am sitting, alone, in a room with a desk and a variety of tools and odds and ends. I have at my disposal, two vials of medication.

Ticking away the moments that make up a dull day

Lets begin with the medication.

Escitalopram Oxalate, and Papileridone. (two seperate meds, two seperate vials).

I could down either one (or both) of these vials, with the help of some water.

Why would I do it?
- I could just be curious to see what might happen.
- I could just want to end it all.
- I could just want a different kind of high. (Gonzo Note: Neither of them has any recreational value, unless you enjoy getting your stomach pumped)

All of them, I've rationalized until they were abstract pudding, and all of them seem valid enough to me. But what stops me is that I ask myself what would it prove.

It would prove, in order:
- That drugs work to alleviate suffering
- That Self-Destruction is a viable route of action.
- That recreational use of drugs make life better.

But you're older

And simply because you prove something, what does it implicate?

Would my suicide spark of wave of euthanasia groups across the country applaud me for a Darwinian contribution to the species? Would they petition for suicide rooms in hospitals? Would someone else off themself simply because I did it?

No, I don't want that to happen.

I'm suicide abstinent because I'd rather not catch shit after my expiration simply because I'm dead.

Hanging on in quiet desperation is the English Way

Is this topic some pathetic cry for help? For someone to reach out so that I can feel a little better emotionally? The result of some poor childhood?

Nein. I don't remember most of my childhood anyway.

Never seem to find the time, Plans that either come to naught or half a page of scribbled lines

So, friends, what do you want to prove with your time as a part of the human experiment?

And the italics are mished-mashed lyrics from Pink Floyd's Time, off their Album "The Wall"

You are young and life is long,
and there is time to kill today.

Then you turn around find that,
Ten Years have gone behind you.

Every Year is getting Shorter,
never seem to find the time.

Plans that either have come to Naught,
or half a page of scribbled lines.

Hanging on in quiet Desperation
is the English Way.

Well... I used to be there, in a sense. At least the "oh dear god, why do I do this everyday?" sense. The reason I kept at it was initially because I knew/felt that reincarnation exists and it would tick me off to merely reincarnate and have to do *all* the last 20-something years again cause I screwed it up the first time. then, on top of that, add in the people (that I've felt since childhood) waiting for me to help them, because we all agreed that that was the way it was going to be. So, I have a moment of weakness and fuck everyone's plans up?

I don't want to let people down, and moreso I don't want to let *myself* down... by putting myself through unnecessary suffering. I really do think this is the last go round for me (however long it may last... which may be forever if what I hear is valid). Eventually, after time of just "putting it off" I really came to my exhaustion point and gave myself a deadling of sorts: I had 5 years to find joy in life. otherwise, I had permission to go off by myself. Fortunately, (or not? lol) when I started focusing on making myself happy as a matter of life and death, I found happiness. Yay.

Those moments of suffering in everyday life I really think make sense with these lyrics from Tool's Parabola:

"We barely remember who or what came before this precious moment,
We are choosing to be here right now. Hold on, stay inside
This holy reality, this holy experience.
Choosing to be here in

This body. This body holding me. Be my reminder here that I am not alone in
This body, this body holding me, feeling eternal
All this pain is an illusion.

Alive, I

In this holy reality, in this holy experience. Choosing to be here in

This body. This body holding me. Be my reminder here that I am not alone in
This body, this body holding me, feeling eternal
All this pain is an illusion.

Twirling round with this familiar parabol.
Spinning, weaving round each new experience.
Recognize this as a holy gift and celebrate this chance to be alive and breathing.

This body holding me reminds me of my own mortality.
Embrace this moment. Remember. we are eternal.
All this pain is an illusion."