Memories, scrambled mostly

I have this sort of persistent fear of leading people in this life; like I feel driven to, but I feel scared that my messages or inspiration will be misconstrued and blown way out of proportion. My saying this is because I realized two days ago that it's directly related to the times in Eden. I *think* (scrambled mostly) that I "led" some human revolt against the authorities of Eden that... went really chaotic and wrong. I had to realize this because I was feeling a jolt of panic at the thought of being a leader of people and I heard me tell me to "trust them this time, it'll be okay." Then flashing images of another, other me trying calm a riot or something gone out of control, of angry mobs and sandy buildings.

Was that after the fall?

I can understand your concerns and fears over trying to lead, believing in something that you know to be good and true, but having it all go horribly wrong and blow up in your face. I know it as it happened to me... being one of the 'leaders' of the Grigori.

The most important thing to remember from that time and today is that you did what you believed was right, and will still do that. Follow your heart, know your own truth, trust in your instinct and the guidance given by the Gods, and you will be doing the right thing. Having fears or concerns can be good, they can keep your feet on the ground and ensure that what you are doing is for the right reasons and not just the ego doing all the guidance. Embrace it and then do it.......... now is the time for us all to step forward and lead those who are willing to listen.

Az

Good advice, Az, thank you.

Ellysium, long before the Fall.

Ouza

Before the fall? Hmm... Maybe I don't recognize it then.

If you have the chance to lead and others who will follow, why not?

If you have a true belief in where you are leading it can only be right. So what if it blows up in your face... at the very least you will have opened minds and made people thing, even if you have only been able to lead them a little way down the road

mrrrr....

So this is me thinking mostly and not saying "this or this definitely happened, I think," just spitballing...

I still have this panic that I'm having to work through ("NOW"), of leading people. Especially as a "goddess/avatar" figure... I had a memory of shining faces feeding me energy and worship, and me smiling back at them, and then all of them being killed or something terrible.

I also have this thing that keeps coming to me of angelics (in the present) coming to me and saying "it's not your fault."

I wonder if there was something that happened that made me "go crazy" too... I just have this sensation of doing something bad, that I blame myself for, and have the feeling now that I'm hearing them say "it's not your fault" because so many things had happened by then (something that severed my connection to the Earth... I thought I did that myself, but it seems I'm not that powerful to severe an intrinsic connection such as that on my own...), that what I did was inevitable... like a force of nature that just happens because it happens.

I had this sensation today, attending a "kirtan" with a friend that the energies people were raising was partially for me (or who I was), in addition to the Indian gods and goddesses that they were chanting to and playing music for, and so I just started drinking it up too. Eventually I went into this intense trance, which was when I saw that image of the shining faces, and was reassured again that "this time it will be different," and felt that it's definitely ... "needed" somehow for me to "stop playing at human, and be more the goddess, so that people can acknowledge you and come to you."

..

The truth feels like it's on the edge, just waiting for me to accept the "horrible" truth... As I mentioned to a friend that I read for today, it's hard to feel that reintegration to the powers of the everything, and to relinquish that "hold," or "control." ... Somehow I'm thinking of Micha'el, and Azra'el, and the Elenari (elves), and the two gods I'm super suspicious of at the present - YHWH and Isis... But there's a huge block in front of this .... Any help is welcome.

Trust me hun, if I knew how to break through a block I'd be doing it myself.

I don't know, with me maybe I'm getting bogged down in the 'real world' the struggle for everyday living. \there's so much going on in my life at the moment. I know it's wrong and the spiritual side of me is as important as the physical side of me but when I'm getting so physically exhausted it's easier to neglect the spiritual.

I must start working seriously again. If I get any isights of course I shall share.

It's not wrong, Ish. We are physical beings, we must attend to the needs that we have here.

Which reminded me of something that my friend said at the kirtan which really put me off (in a good way, helping me to realize that it was wrong). He told this story about a sage from a faraway country who had learned the English word, pizza, who happened to travel to NYC and wanted to try a pizza. So he does, and finds out a pizza costs $10, so pulls out a $20 and gives it to the pizza man. So he sits down and eats his pizza and thinks that it's really a good pizza. But then, he realizes that having finished, he hasn't received change from the $20 so asks the pizza man about it. Then my friend said that the pizza man replies to the sage that "You're a great sage. You don't need change of money, of the physical world. You are change, in a greater world. You help to bring change to everyone." So he doesn't give him his $10. I suppose this was supposed to be inspirational or something, and everyone there kind of closed their eyes and seemed very meditative (idiots... I hate going to circles like that anyway where people don't seem to want to think for themselves). I was totally offended by that. It was basically saying that when you're a "great sage" or aspiring to that you don't need to look after your needs in the physical world. But that is stupid and wrong. And the opposite of what's true, as far as I've seen. It helped me realize that I've been looking at myself and what I should ask for from people all wrong... realizing that I do provide services that I deserve to receive an exchange for.

Absolutely. That story is just bullshit. What it's saying is that if you're esoteric, wise, gentle and giving you can expect to get screwed over and when you are you should accept it. Yeah right

Too damn right you're entitled to be paid for your services

I couldn't agree more, as much as we all try to be spiritual beings and live a life of higher ideals and purpose....... we live in the physical world and have to attend to our physical needs. This does mean that in current society (depending where we live) we need to earn money in order to live, eat, keep a roof over our heads, pay for internet access and have the chance to meet and talk to others so that we can teach them and they can teach us.

Whatever the work, be it hard physical work or spiritual guidance, it is all an exchange of energies, be it paid in money, food, or guidance. There is no difference. So there is no shame in being paid for any service that is offered.

Az