ARCHIVE: A memory I do not want, This one hurts, alot

By Shemyaza Jan 23 2009 -

I was at work, I had to go somewhere quiet, I can not explain what happened, or why it happened, or what had triggered it. It was not a vision, it was more than a feeling, it was a memory that I do not know if it was mine, I am at my keyboard typing this shaking with the aftermath of these thoughts.

Regret, I do, but should I?

Looking back, there was no other choice, or was there?

They burned my body as I hung there, mentally they ripped my wings, tortured me, such hatred, so much venom, they made her watch.

Tears streamed, the blood in my throat, I screamed, screamed with the blood spraying from my mouth. The blows reigned down on me, the hall where I hung echoed with our tears, such blame was laid against us, one arm they had left free, I swing in such agony, my arm flaying madly, one leg tied behind the middle of the other, forced down in an unnatural bend, suspended, naked by one ankle.

They threw a liquid on me, covering every part of me, and then the flames, they licked and tormented my body, consuming my soul.

There was a symbol on the floor, my blood staining it, I can not make out the symbol, my eyes are burning, darkness takes me, but not the pain, the screaming stops, and I can see the earth, hanging there, cold and silent.

My seed was taken, gone, killed, murdered

I am not sure how to deal with this, I walked back to my desk, not wishing to speak to anyone, not being able to speak to anyone, I felt some wings enfold me in their warm embrace, a comfort as I walked the corridor back to my office, they seemed to come from inside of me, but they were there.


By Ishtahar Jan 23 2009 -

It was a time of blood and fire, for all of us, even me.... especially me. Even now, when I think of it sometimes I feel the edge of madness and all I want to do is run run run.

But as a friend has told me... just now, I can't run away from it. If I don't face it now I never will. And it is the same for all of us.

There are always choices but are there. Yes you can choose not to work with this, to turn away, to deny the pain, the visions the memories.... but will they choose to let you.

It is a hard path we are on,not through our choice, at least not this time.

I will be here, as I am sure will we all, as painful as it may be to relive those times... the time has come when we have to.... we have to take the pain and use it to tear open our eyes and see the future through the eyes of the past.

If there is anything I can do to help you I will.

Ish


By Azaz'el Jan 23 2009 -

There are always choices, even if we don't want to think about the ones we would never dream to think about.

We had choices back then, to walk away, to hand over the one who began it all, to cast out the one who had already fallen, to abstain from ascention, to follow tradition, to point the finger of blame and hope for a swifter, sweeter mercy.

We knew how it would be.... or at least had guessed in part as to what might happen. We chose it then, and we stand here, in this forum, choosing it again. It is hell, there is so much pain and tears and heartache and lonliness. Few will understand the absolutel horror of the millennia in exile, whatever form that takes... be it beyond time, within time or living dialy through their curse. The memories are as hard as steel and as sharp as glass......... but is it not worth all this pain and horror and loss to face a brighter future and the chance to be with our brothers and lovers and wives and children and Kin again? To be reunited?

The memories are hard, the loss tastes like madness, but the hope still lives. I, at least, will die trying, as all I have ahead of me right now is the exile breathing down my neck as the wheel of this year turns.

The pain will only last for as long as we allow it to.

Az


By Lael Jan 23 2009 -

I have yet to welcome you to the forum; I've been scarce all together, and haven't had the chance before, so please consider yourself welcomed by yours truly here now, before I reply to your post...

There. smile.gif

I've had memories I did not want, at the time they made themselves known to me. Different than what you've described, but somehow similar in many ways.

It's curious how life progresses from birth onward, but remembering things past tends to mean working backwards. It would make sense, since the end of it would have been the closest to now, but this backward linearity gives me an eerie sense of moving in time, beyond this world. As if I'm simultaneously moving in both directions - into the future and the past both at once.

In neither of those directions I managed to find escape from the things I didn't want to remember. Sure, I'd pushed it away before I eventually faced it. Multiple times, truth be told. But it always ended up going back into the dark recess of memory, only to resurface not much later. Those were death, the clipping of wings, the death of soul.

Been there, done that; they said the t-shirts would be available in a store somewhere, but I have yet to find one I like. tongue.gif

I've read elsewhere you come from a catholic background (I'm sorry if I got it wrong - it might have been someone else, I've been catching up with the forums recently and have done a lot of reading at one sitting). There's a saying among the catholic folk here, though I'm pretty sure they don't hold exclusive rights to it - something about how the creator never asks one to bear more than they're capable of. I find it's like that with painful memories. Unless you're out to destroy yourself, you'll always be able to handle whatever your mind/memory/subconscious throws your way. It might feel like you're dying - again - or you might indeed be dying, soul-wise (done my share of that, too). But in the end, you're stronger for it. Your memories, your experiences, make up the person that is you.

That's why I accepted mine as something that must be lived through, relived, acknowledged and learned from. It had to happen. Whatever the reason, we're part of the universe and what happens to us affects it. Perhaps believing in there being a reason behind everything is merely a coping mechanism. Perhaps there's more to it. What matters is that once you've gone through it all, you'll be stronger than you've ever been.

Or so we all hope, for what it's worth.

Peace. smile.gif


By Shemyaza Jan 24 2009 -

I must thank you all, and yes my background was catholic, but no more and has not been for over 20 years, but yes, I had heard that saying before.

If you see one of those t-shirts let me know biggrin.gif

A good nights sleep (although not if you listen to my partner!!) has helped, I feel calmer and more at ease with the images, I do not wish to conjure them up in front of my eyes again, but serenity is now more apt than panic and fear which is what I had yesterday when it quite frankly assulted me in my work place.

Thank you all for your patience,

Az, there is something I must tell you, but I do not know what that is yet, please bear with me, I suspect you have a feeling you know what that is yourself, so if you do, please give me a clue so I can let you know! Perhaps it is on that T-Shirt that Lael is looking for!


By Azaz'el Jan 25 2009 -

QUOTE (Shemyaza @ Jan 24 2009, 12:57 PM)
"Az, there is something I must tell you, but I do not know what that is yet, please bear with me, I suspect you have a feeling you know what that is yourself, so if you do, please give me a clue so I can let you know! Perhaps it is on that T-Shirt that Lael is looking for!"

I can understand what you mean here, Shem, so just take your time and let go and it will soon come through. I doubt it's on the t-shirt, but I get the feeling it could be linked to one of three possible areas.

Az