ARCHIVE: My "Dream"

By Noctis Sep 30 2009 -

This part is the dream I have been having for almost 2 years now. The events vary slightly, but overall remain the same, the little boy is always. Then the little girl appears next. It occurs in three parts, the original, the addition, and the lucid dreaming attempt.




The sky is bright, the sun blinding as I leave a city into what seems to be a large park., I can only see vaguely in the background the skyline, the sun suspended pouring light onto my back. I am not human, unless humans could be so large; I move quickly through the trees with ease, there is little resistance even in the air. My heart beats as if it is about to burst, as I hear a scream echoing through the forest. I have already changed directions; I would say I was flying if I could not feel my feet pressing off of the ground. The forest is silent, not even the sound of birds chirping or leaves rustling can be heard as I come to a clearing. A many males surround someone I see to be my current girlfriend. Terror strikes her face at the sight of me, and before I can even get there, she is already lifeless on the ground. Anger and sorrow burrow into me, as I slaughter them effortlessly. I am so angry, or disgusted, it is hard to tell. The sky darkens ever so slightly as a result. I rush through the trees again, as I hear another scream, so determined to save this one for some reason. It is a small child this time. I cannot save him either, as he is dead before I even get near them. I kill these men too, I feel myself about to explode almost out desperation, or I do not even know the word for it, or how to describe it. I run again towards a scream, it seems quite repetitive. This time as I enter a clearing, I collapse to the ground, unable to stand, on all fours. A young girl in a white dress, similar to what a princess would wear in popular culture of Cinderella or something. Her appearance is pristine, undamaged, unharmed, perfection. I can see should length black hair as she approaches me, unspeaking one foot in front of the other. I am unable to move my head. If I attempt to look at her face as see stands in front of me, I awaken.



This next part occurred after similar to what I have seen in others; I knelt down, and asked What I was, or at least my purpose…. It seems like a small change to but to me, it is quite huge.

The world tears away as I enter the clear, transforming into some astral plane we stand, as she walks towards me in the similar manner as before. Only this time she speaks… “Wesley, You cannot save everyone, I am sure you have noticed this by now, for this is the point of all of this. It is noble that you think you are a wolf, but my friend, you are only confused.” Her voice is almost like a mechanical string instrument choir. Her words echo in my skull, as I struggle to breath. “You dear, are something far worse. If you were born in France, perhaps you could have been a wolf, perhaps if you were less intelligent, you could have been a wolf. You…you are something far worse.” She pauses as I begin to look up “Weslie, you are Death” She says it so regrettably as if she is cursing me, or does not want to even utter the words. Again as I try to see her face, I awake. The key ringer for me is, this is the first major change in my dream since I started having it, and second, when she utters “I am Death” I felt my heart literally sink in real life.




The most recent change from last night, after taking advice and sleeping on it, so to speak, the same events occur. Only this time, I get to see her face, and I feel pain again.

I lookup as she says the word “Death” her lips are pursed, her cheeks are chubby, her hair is straight, and kept. There is no emotion on it, and she is looking down at me with hazel eyes. Her hand strokes my face, her gaze meeting mine; it feels like she is raping my soul, literally. (I am in tears recalling it.) I am struck across the back, sending my buckling forward to the ground.

I woke up at this point, crying, and unable to move. In fact, almost 24 hours later my back still hurting, it isn’t as bad, but the pain is still there.


Now even I notice the flaws, first she says the whole point of this is to tell me I cannot save everyone. She speaks a run-on sentence. Many others, but my main topic is, the line “You are Death” I capitalized it because the way it felt, she was personifying it. I was Death, I was not a creature of death, and something meant to be death, something related to death, I WAS DEATH.

Now granted, I am human (I swore I was a were) now, I see this, and humans are destructive by nature. So I could see a use there, being that humans are the source of their own death for the most part.

Then if I was Death, what Death am I? There are hundreds of plausible deities or beings associated with being of Death, or Death ruling, etc.

Also, to explain the reasoning for asking what I was, prior to the addition to my dream. I had been trying to use magick to force a shift. With each attempt I became more angry and detached. Finally only about a week ago, I tried for the 4 time, to shift via magick use, my muscles felt as if there were about to shred like string cheese. I took it as a sign I was close, I became so angry, and was in so much pain, I did not do anything for the next two days. The last day of my pain, before I slept, I asked what I was (Seeing that I obviously was not going to shift), that I knew I had so much untapped in me (I have been told by many I have “guards”). I sometimes feel like I am shackled in my body.

Which brings me to another point, I take medication to stop my dreams, and this dream is the only one that occurs. I stopped taking them, because I would wake up, and my body would still be locked in position for sometimes, even minutes. Causing me to panic, my doctor prescribes trazodone, and I have since. It is not that I was scared of the dreams; I just did not like the idea of not being able to wake up


By Ouza Sep 30 2009 -

I don't know about you but, I will quote this for myself! Lost Love is a bitch in any spiritual plane of existence but Death doesn't always connotate just that... death! It also implies a plea for change to occur not so much just physically but spiritually! She love's you so very very much or at least that feminine part of yourself and the others that she so in fact effectively represents in the long run for all of us overall !!!

I'm going to go out on a limb, so to speak and make a bold controversial statement here !!!

We are all coming to a point now where choices and decisions must and have to be made and it's going to hurt and won't be that easy! Are we in fact willing and prepared to do that? And if so are we willing to make the necessary sacrifices needed in our lives so that we can drop those closely treasured moments that we have so miserly held on too !!! The choice is indeed yours and yours alone ...

Change or as they say the ability to evolve to the next level of spiritual awareness as a whole is a paramount issue to us all... right here and now!

Ouza

p.s. You know how Shakespeare felt about love and loss... so you are well prepared for the change to occur !!! ("To be or not to be... That is the Question.")


By Ishtahar Sep 30 2009 -

Indeed it is... and if only we knew the answer eh? Yes, change is coming, it's coming faster and faster and everyone is feeling it. The thing is that it is going to come whether we want it or not, whether we fear it or not, whether we accept it or not... so there is only one thing we can do in the end... hold on and enjoy the ride.


By Noctis Sep 30 2009 -

I thought of change was well, but I mean...I really have nothing to change, unless I am supposed to drop out of college, throw away the last friend I have? I mean, I understand change, very well, having completely altered the direction of my life many times, almost at random.

A little guidance on the change would of been nice... I mean, is it not enough that the entire structure I had been maintaining since I was only 10, of being something more then human.

It sounds arrogant, but I was the person who if I walked into a room angry, it got quiet, if I asked someone to be quiet, or shut up, it happened. I never had to resort to violence to stop a fight, the one time I did use violence I broke someones jaw with one punch, and got away with self defense. I am slow to anger, despite being a very dark, morbid person. Guys would be arm wrestling or playing football, and if I tried to join, it would disband. It has led me to be an outcast, even in college, I hate it when a professor decides to read a paper I have written on something like the Male Perception of Sex, or make some discussion in which he is even surprised I know about it. I may have a fountain of useless lore knowledge at my grasp.

I did make one choice, I am not longer taking my medication. Who knows what is gonna change next.


By Azaz'el Sep 30 2009 -

I have to agree that the general acceptance of Death is change.... even the 'angel' of death didn't always bring about physical death.... much to his annoyance!!!

The guidance you want you will never get, at least from a higher source. I don't mean to sound harsh with that, but in the decades I have been walking this path I have found that the Guides and Guardians who walk with us spiritually never give straight answers or anything remotely helpful. I can say this and not feel bitter or angry, its just how it is, but it has taken me a long time to accept it.

The fact that you may not be Were doesn't mean that you must be human. There are many, many other types of kin that you could be, so I don't think your entire structure is shattered.... just changed. Or died. And ready to be reborn.

As for not taking your medication, as always it is in the hands of the individual.... but care must be taken and perhaps a change in diet and detox should be looked at.

Az


By Ouza Sep 30 2009 -

You've arrogance may not have always been appropriate but at least truthful and honest in what was said in day to day comings and goings. And just the idea of knowing that is in fact in itself a matter of perspective, although those others may or may not have agreed or disagreed with the final outcome of your choices.

Every breath we take every move, emotion, thought or feeling we make is in constant flux. When we are born we have been and still are in a constant trial and error leading supposedly to an ultimate change of good bad or indifferent. Some call it chaos some call, it fate! I choose to call it cause and effect !!!

Although you can, imagine that some choices like medications and the such don't seem to be any type of free choice at all but in fact do open a whole new can of worms dealing with many different aspects over such things as people and situations that you would not normally come in contact with. You have expertise, where other's don't and people often can and will be jealous of that but never ever hold back, always be proud of who and what you really are !!!

I've been often told that the oldest of spirits don't take the easy way out of this lifetime, although it would be quite an easy thing for them to do, since we are supposedly supposed to have our shit together! Right or wrong ???

Like you, I've always rebelled and fought for some reason or other but love always came to my aid and bailed me out! Even now I often fear that I may be running out of aces and that all will come teetering down all around me oh but what the hell!<--- Kind of been there and done that thing! (Reincarnation, is a bitch just like lost love is !!!)

When you meet and share with others as you are doing here, you can either control or roll with the flow or just not accept it at all --- the choice ultimately is yours and will always return to your lap again and again !!!

Choices are being made right here and now as we speak and with that knowledge and willingness to show yourself and go out on a limb so to speak, in order to just get a good perspective and hold on to things makes me even admire you the more !!! I can only wish that this endeavor to self realization is not to be an act of frustration nor for the weak of heart and that you will always be aware that you are never ever going to be alone on this so called roller coaster ride that we have so willingly chosen for ourselves! My faith is in you, as yours should be also !!!


Ouza

p.s. "There are no good or bad choices in life, just good old change and perspective one way or the other!"


By Noctis Oct 1 2009 -

QUOTE (Azaz'el @ Sep 30 2009, 10:28 PM)
"As for not taking your medication, as always it is in the hands of the individual.... but care must be taken and perhaps a change in diet and detox should be looked at.

Az"

I know it to be a fact as well, I know that anything taking place inside my head, is coming from myself. My own self conversing with itself, so to speak.


I also know it does mean I am human, I think you may be on something about it being the Death, perhaps of myself, in preparedness to be reborn again.



As far the medication goes, this dream has always been the only one to always make it through, the others were always fighting, it has been so long, I can hardly remember the details, except being unable to wake from them at moments.

I am also in need of a good detox, having recently stopped smoking.


By Ouza Oct 1 2009 -

Good grief you've gone cold turkey... Wooffff!!!<---no pun intended!

Az speaking of Detox... what do they prescribe for us chocoholics. Don't even think of being near me if I ever stop. "If there's no chocolate in Heaven, I ain't going !!!!!!!"<--- Kind of a stupid ass remark because that's just exactly what happened. Boy am, I a glutton for punishment or what????

Oz

p.s. Although, Az has definitely given you some good sound advice, well worth looking at and taking into serious consideration! Stay Safe and Healthy always, no matter what it takes and always do the right thing for your physical health and spiritual well-being!


By Noctis Oct 1 2009 -

Well one thing I always have had is the ability once I make up my mind, there is no going back. With smoking, I smoked my last one, and decided I would never touch them again. Haven't since been two months now.


By Scratch Oct 1 2009 -

I met a personification of Death in a dream once. He gave me this name, and looked pretty much dead opposite of how you've described yourself. Big black man with skin like coal and a long coat or cloak that seemed to absorb the light. He had dreadlocks down to his waist, which parted like a theater curtain to let me look into his face.

::shrugs:: That's my personal experience, and there's quite a bit of debate about who or what or how many Deaths there are. And really, just because you might have been mistaken, doesn't make the traits which made you think yourself a Were no longer exist. Besides, in my (very limited) knowledge of them, I've never heard of any physical transformation. All the shapeshifting I've ever heard of/experienced happens while journeying, meditating, or dreaming. Which, yes, is the mind talking to itself. But also has, every now and then, actually lined up with something someone else experienced. Including a randomly-told-to-me account of how in some Pacific islands, Death is said to be a giant black man. I think there's reasons there are so many, wildly different personifications.

Just take care of yourself, and look at it as honestly as you can. That's quite a dream, especially to be having night after night. I didn't even know there were medications to control dreams.


By Noctis Oct 1 2009 -

I am not sure how it works, I know that it stops any dream, but this one. It is actually to control Dream Paralysis in which I wake up, but my body remains asleep, and it feels like I am trapped an being choked/crushed. I just do not dream while on it, more of a side effect.


By Scratch Oct 1 2009 -

It's a long shot, but you might want to keep an eye out for someone knowledgeable about dream states, especially if you're going off your medication. There are a few people who know more about states like that than medical science. I'm not one of them, but my gut says your spirit and body may separate too easily for you to control, and you may be able to fix it yourself. When the paralysis happens, can you feel your body? Can you feel the blanket on top of you, or the mattress beneath? Or is there absolutely no physical sensation? That might make a difference.

I run on stream-of-consciousness a lot.


By Noctis Oct 1 2009 -

It is more like being a ghost in a shell, like my soul? maybe is crashing against the body, like I am inside trying to get out. It is a pretty hard to describe feeling unless you are experiencing it.


By Scratch Oct 2 2009 -

I might have felt that way, but not nearly to the intensity you're describing.

When I did, I could never decide if I felt that because I didn't think my soul belonged in my body, or if I didn't think I belonged in there because I felt it. I'd become very aware there was something immense inside me: power, potential, whatever it was. I didn't think physical flesh could (or should) handle it. After being completely at odds with myself for a few years, I realized (partly through friendship with a spirit), that I have this body because I need it right now, and I wouldn't have it if it couldn't handle everything I need it for.


By Ouza Oct 2 2009 -

To coin a phrase: "Both the body and soul, were always well thought out!" And yes it's true we are never ever given anything more than what we can truly handle... in any lifetime!"

Sometimes, we just can't see the Forest for the Trees!

Oz


By Razi'el Oct 3 2009 -

hmmm... well, keep in mind that there are many definition to the concept of death, and death isn't necessarily a bad thing. if i may, there are a few questions i would like to ask, simply for the sake of asking:

does this girl who appears seem like a good person? like someone you can trust?

and are you sure these men surrounding the woman and child are in fact, the reason they died?

again, just curious, as there seem to be many interpretations to this dream. and it's very intruiguing, i must say!

happy dreaming,
Raz