Gabri'el's Story - pt. 1

Hello to all I wasn't sure if this was the right place to begin this but thought it was as good a place as any, so here goes...

Just to be open and honest with everyone here I want to say that I am nervous as hell writing this because I am about to relive a very painful and shameful part of my past I had buried very deep for a long, long time and there are still certain events, otherkin and shadow that I do not remember. I know that all or most of you have walked this road before in recalling your own painful memories, and this is especially difficult for me knowing I am the reason for a great deal of your pain.

My intentions are not to come across as arrogant or self-centered, and I am not asking for pity. This is a very big, very hard step for me to take but a necessary one for all of us as well as myself to heal. Like I had stated before in my introduction I am here to take responsibility for my actions and pray that one day I am forgiven.

My first memory as shadow is standing on a cliff looking down at a city, a beautiful city full of life. I remember temples and gardens and a huge water fountain with statues that were positioned north,east, south and west. I remember being very curious about the humans, a part of me wanted to meet them but I felt the need to learn them first..acutally my job was to learn them and Watch them.

And Watch them I did and on occasion I was sent to deliver messages - they varied from upcoming events, warnings, ultimatums and there were times those messages ended up being flat out executions. I dreamt that Gabri'el was once known as a brilliant hitman I have dreamt of me speaking with the Ascended Master Jesus, Moses, Zachary/Zacharias (father of John the Baptist) Joseph who was a little reluctant to take Mary as his wife but I talked him into it...not quite like the Bible explains it..but ... anyway...also dreamt of another biblical character by the name of Jacob - (the story of Jacobs ladder) but in my dream he was a warrior who had 4 other soldiers he commanded and it was my job to guide him in the right direction but he pissed me off and we ended up throwing blows. O_o

I have a memory of Me, Sem, Az and Razi'el talking about an upcoming war - not the civil war between our race but a war that was fought against another alien race that threatened earth. Sem had approached me one evening and pulled me to the side while Az and Razi"el stood a small distance away, all of us knew this war was coming but we weren't sure when. I guess we all got along "ok" at this time because Sem had asked me to find Micha'el with a quickness because they (enemy) were watching our every move. Where Mike was I have no idea.

I remember walking upon a city that was still burning from what ever had destroyed it and there were people impaled on spikes. I had my sword at my side and what disturbed me most was how stoic my expression was and how I felt absolutely nothing when I saw those hanging from the spikes - there were also bodies that were still burning on the ground and reaching out to me as I walked past and I acted like I could have cared less.

I may be jumping around and I apologize, but right now I'm just going on intuition on what to say first. I remember walking up on Az one time and he was by a river and I could swear he was or had been crying..he was wearing nothing but dark pants and they had been torn, of course he had dark hair/eyes and black wings and my first thought was he tried to take a swim cause he was soaking wet, I had meant to joke with him about it the closer I got to him but once he saw I was there he had a look of shock and embarrasment and I could have sworn he would have taken my head off if I let him - he never said a word to me and I had enough sense not to question him so I turned and walked away.

Still have no idea what happened. I recall having an intense arguement with Micha'el about disobeying a direct order from the Source - I questioned his authority on something and he flipped his lid, he hated to be put on the spot like that...type A personality, my way or the highway..yada yada yada...

I have sooo much more to share with you and I will. I will end pt 1 with my memory of the Morning Star Not sure what she recalls of me but I feel that we had been good friends, we joked around alot, always laughing, Lucifer was just as curious as I was and had a rebellious streak 5 miles wide, think that's why we got along so well. He was a good soldier and loyal to us all. But when his war came about and he chose to fall and take his leave of us I was hurt and angry. I felt he was abandoning his brothers and making the wrong decsion. I realize now of course he was right in his actions, he stood up for what he believed. I'm sorry my brother for misjudging you, I hope we can eventually find common ground again.

To be continued...

Many thanks for sharing that with us Gabri'el, as you know I know what it's like to face the trauma of remembering and sharing, especially when you have no idea how people will react to it.

It's interesting to see that you remember the moment of me standing by the lake. All I can say is that your decision not to talk to me was a good one, had you approached me I would have ...er..... reacted! That was a painful and valuable moment for me, a turning point for much that happened. Perhaps it could even been seen as the beginning of what happened.

Az

The emotions radiating from you and the look in your eyes told me that this wasn't you just having a "moment". I actually had that memory resurface when I joined the forum the first time but didn't know what to make of it. I honestly don't remember how you and I got along before the war, I get the feeling we were "ok" and didn't have any major issues because I do recall us having a few decent conversations. The turning point in most of my close friendships with our brothers was of course when I joined the council.

I may not have shown it back then but I did and still do have a great amount of respect for you Azaz'el.

::sighs:: We were good friends, until differences of opinion and philosophy got in the way. A lot of the time, *I* feel like I made the wrong decision to fall as well. It did not accomplish what I hoped it would, and kept me from being there for those I had hoped to save with that action. Oh well, oh well, oh well... Who's to say if it was right or misguided. It happened.

Thank you for sharing, and I'll be staying tuned for parts 2 thru ?.

Scratch - Your intentions were good and your heart was in the right place regardless. Your actions still made an impact and opened some eyes.

I don't remember much about you before the last days because you didn't really mix with us very much. Sem was ambivalent about you, at least to me. He never said anything bad or good although he did mention you now and again.

As for Lucifer, I was scared to death of him... he was... big... not physically. He literally commanded a room and took up all the space in it. It was his sword I remember most because... eventually... it found it's way to me and now I have no idea what to do with it. I am no MorningStar.

When the time comes, Ish, you will know what to do with it........... I did.

Az

Heh. Could I have it back now, Ish? It's good to know that blade wasn't completely lost, and wound up in such good hands.

Back to Gabe... I just got kind of an odd image, of you standing on the shore of a black lake. You're looking out over the water, waiting for something or someone. It's at night, but the water itself is like obsidian, and you have an uncharacteristically (in my opinion) stern look on your face. You seem to be almost glowing in the dark. It made me miss how we used to get along.

I wanted to see more, but pretty much anything dealing with our friendship, or the Seven, has too much hurt connected to it for me to look at steadily.

Scratch - When I read about your vision I had an odd pain in my chest and for whatever reason that image stands out, not sure who I would have been waiting for. For me remembering any of this is heartbreaking. We did have some good times though