Gabri'els story .. pt2

I guess I've put this off long enough... so it's time I finish it.

Facing my memories of the past and the emotions that came along with them has been extremely challenging, difficult and exhausting, but has been necessary in order for me to move forward. There have been some graphic memories resurface.

I know not all of my memories of the war have returned but will surface when the time comes. For those new members who may or may not know Gabri'els role in the war I was responsible for the deaths of a few of my fellow Shadow brethren and several Nephilim, one little Nephil in particular - one who had yet to see the light of day.. and just so happened to be Sem and Ishtahar's unborn child. That memory resurfaced when I lost my first child over 17 yrs ago, 3 days before my child died in my womb I had a horrible nightmare (for those of you who know this already I apologize)

In the nightmare there was a woman surrounded by several dark figures, it looked like she was being held still by two of them - then a slightly larger dark figure stood before her and it looked like his hand reached into her womb, or he laid his hand upon her belly and my understanding of it was he took the infants soul and the child died, the woman was distraught and was powerless to do anything about it, once that was done the other two figures released her and she collpased, the feelings that came from the taller Shadow that did this to her were of remorse and guilt and did not want to give such a "punishment" as it was called, but felt he had no choice.

I woke up from that nightmare in tears and a few days later my daughter died in my womb, with no explanation as to why. I used to think the woman in the dream was me but now I know it was Ish and of course the Shadow who took the soul of the child was me/Gabri'el. Now for the realistic version of what happened - I was given an order to use Ishtahar and her unborn child as an example of what was going to happen to all Nephil and their mothers, whether they were with child or had already given birth.
I laid my right hand upon Ish's belly and burned the unborn child alive within her womb...in doing that I also burned the image of an eye upon her belly as well...all seeing, all knowing eye.

As Ish has said by my act I cursed her, by cursing her I cursed myself as well. I also still have the symbol of the eye on my right palm. Now I know why Ish was the first one I recognized on the forum.
Could any of you find it in your heart to forgive such an act???

Aside from my actions against Ish I honestly do not remember taking the life of any other Nephilim, I'm sure there a few more, but at the moment I can't recall. I had mentioned before that I felt I rebelled and started hiding the children and that I feel is true because I remember a dream where I was doing just that, I feel I refused to take any more innocent lives and chose to rebel against those who gave me those orders - Micha'el being one of them... perhaps that's where my memory of the heated arguement with him came from.

There were a few members who mentioned "monsters" of some sort destroying the Nephil and possibly some of the Shadow being responsible for creating them, I honestly do not remember doing such a thing, this may have come about after I chose not to continue with it - then again ..hell for all I know I may have been involved, I pray that I was not directly responsible for such a cowardly act, but then I remember Ish and the symbol on my palm, I can't exactly rule that out now can I.

I could probably write a little novella with all that I remember... mentioned I was responsible for the deaths of a few of my friends/brothers...don't remember which ones right now, but I know the memories are there, I just feel there is truth in that statement...I know I did but can't recall yet, but I do remember being present for the death of Az and Dan...now this was a very difficult memory to process and come to grips over. I think it's because of the emotions involved and the courageous way both left this world. This was a key turning point for me in the war, and when I finally looked at Micha'el through different eyes.

My memory of this event may not be exactly how Az remembers, but I will write what I saw and felt from my point of view - it started with a few Shadow and their identities were Rapha'el, me and Mike and a few others I can't remember yet, but I remember Az being held down by two Shadow, he was on his knees and his hands were bound behind his back - Mike was looming over him and I was standing to the left of him, words were exchanged between him and Az - not sure what was said but Mike backhanded Az hard and tried to do it again but I grabbed his arm before he could strike - Mike gave me the coldest stare I had ever seen, didn't say anything to me just glared...why I did that at the time I wasn't sure...the other Shadow looked at me like I had lost my mind..I just knew it was wrong what was about to happen..those were my feelings then...I looked to Az and he was giving Mike the same cold hard stare but his was filled with such hatred - (can't blame him really) and I'm sure if Az would have been unbound him and Mike probably would have fought to the death -

At that point Dan was being brought over to us and others began to bind Az's hands and feet, that's when I saw the look of fear on Az's face,(not for himself) he knew what was coming, he struggled and was beat down to the point to where they could finish binding him, tears started to fall down his face and the whole time Dan's expression was stoic and did not change (except when he looked at Az) I recall Dan looking at Az and saying something like do not fear or do not be afraid -

Mike took advantage of Az's emotional state and walked over to Dan - I was frozen - couldn't move - I couldn't believe this was going to take place - fear had gripped me as well as pain and sadness for Az and Dan..none of us had been very close but I feel Dan and I may have had a stronger friendship than what I remember..still not a 100% but I think so.

Az started yelling at Mike but all he did was look ove his shoulder at Az and smile. Dan gave Mike a look I can't describe, not sure if it was hate or maybe pity but then he looked at me and his expression softened a bit - then turning to Az he said to him in the softest most loving tone "Don't look..please don't look" then tears fell from his eyes, Mike seemed very agitated and the next thing I knew Dan was on fire and burning, don't recall where the fire came from or how but I do remember Dan didn't cry out right away - he took the pain then turned his head up to the sky and the screaming began. I was still frozen - don't know who's screams were the loudest Dan's or Az. I stood there and watched as Dan burned - I won't go into great detail on the image of him...for Az's sake..although I had already spoke with Az before posting this - he already knew what I was going to write about.

Don't think I can continue with what happened to Az, if I did it would read like a scene out of one the "Saw" movies..think it best not to...Ok..something in me snapped and I turned to Raph and said I'm done..no more...Raph closed his eyes and shook his head then looked over at Mike who was glaring at me again - I looked him dead in the eyes and said no more...he said nothing, didn't show any emotion, so I turned and walked away.

The memory recall of Ish and her baby and this recent flashback of Az and Dan have been the most emotionally draining for me, that's why it's taken me so long to finish this. My brain had to process all of this and sort through all of the emotions. Not sure how correct I am in saying this but I do believe Dan himself helped me remember this and find the courage to post it and see things about certain Shadow I refused to see before. Yes I'm referring to Micha'el. I don't know what happened to him, he became something/someone I no longer recognized and I'm pretty sure Iscarion was involved with part of that.

I loved Mike very much, and still do. I would like to think that there was a legite excuse as to why ...you know..just why. The more I remember the more truth I see..and the more it hurts to know that I honestly didn't know some of my brothers as well as I thought I did...not saying I was a saint or any such nonsense but a lot of us were misguided and fooled into thinking what we did was right.

Every year on November 22 I break down and fall apart and have no freaking clue why...why is it that on this date every year since I was 17 I flip out????? I basically spend the entire day in tears and feel such pain and loss, maybe its from a past life I haven't recalled yet, don't know...but I just can't help but wonder if it has anything to with the shadow and the war. I always feel like I'm in mourning..and have no idea who I mourn for.

Right now I have no memory recall of Sem's death, don't know if I was present for his as well, think his was before Az and Dan's, I feel a lot of anger when I think of Sem (his anger)..for good reason yes. Recall Baraqui'els death..think Mike or a different shadow was responsible for him...I think..I remember him having a beautiful dark haired little girl with bright blue eyes like his, she was strong and was a seer, he had me promise to save her before he was burned, "please" he said... what I'm still trying to figure out is why he would have trusted me with his childs life after the deaths I had already been responsible for????

Maybe I was looking through anothers eyes with this memory, I don't know, still trying to sort it all out.
Feel like I've rambled on and on here. And that's all I can tell you on that now. The deaths I do remember cut deep, wish I could go back in time and change what happened, because I would in a heartbeat. All of this has changed me and made me who I am today, I may have been an ambitious, over zealous smart ass who took his gifts and brothers/friends for granted, but that's not who/what I am now. I pray for unity and peace for us all and will keep my promise to achieve it.

I'm so sorry, you deserve, at the very least, the chance to tell your story and be listened to by us all but I'm so sorry, I can't read it. it hurts too much... not, strangely the part that relates to me which I think i came to terms with a long time ago. I remember you and I remember what you did but I have never hated you as I did Micha'el. I know you had your part to play and I don't believe you revelled in it as some of the others did.

It's just... well I've very raw at the moment. Things have been stirring for me again and I'm hurting badly. I will try to read this again soon. As i said, it may make no difference whatever to anyone but me... however, I truly think that, in opening your heart and letting the words come out the least I can do is open my mind to receive them.

Once again thank you for taking the time and the energy and effort to put into words such difficult memories and to knowing open yourself up to pain and strong emotion. yet, if we're ever going to heal from the past, we need to face it, accept it, try to understand it, embrace it and then move forward.

I can look at what you have written logically and as such without emotion. I could point out a few minor errors (in time periods) which have no need to be pointed out or even considered. I can see the courage that you have shown in writing this. Yet I can't allow myself to feel it just yet. If I do then so many different emotions will come spilling out and I'm not sure I or the Universe is quite ready for that!

So, thanks for sharing this Gabri'el, and I hope that now it has been released it allows the healing to begin for you..... and eventually for us all.

Az

::sobbing::

I used to be able to read things like this, and know in a clinical sense how it made me feel, without actually experiencing those emotions. Now, I seem to have lost, or gotten rid of, that ability.

I saw what was going to happen, specifically to Az and Dan, and that is why I chose to Fall, in the hope that removing myself would stop it from happening. It was the biggest mistake I ever made. I've heard this story before, but reading yours, having watched it as it was happening, and taken part... They were so very much more than friends, or brothers, or beloved, to me.

I forgive you. That's all.

Ish - You do not owe me a thing.

Az - Finally allowing myself to accept and feel through this memory was extremely difficult, can only imagine the rollercoaster of emotions you have/had experienced.


Scratch - Your fall was not a mistake, you at least had honor and respect when you 'fell'...and Lucifer ... thank you.

Thanks for sharing