I hope that I've finally found where it is I belong because, you see, I've been searching for a very long time.

Truth be told, I have no idea what I am or was or anything. All that I do know is what I can do. When I was younger I’d try talking to God every night as I fell asleep. I’d try carrying on conversations with him, one-sided of course. This is strange to me, seeing as how my parents weren’t really religious people.

I’ve known ancient Greek knowledge as far back as I can remember. It started with the war between the gods and titans actually, much like that of the battle in the heavens of the monotheistic religions. I just knew the way of the Greek people, their democracy and their city-states; their mythology as if was pre written by my own hand.

By fifth grade I was writing my school notes in ancient Egyptian (Hieroglyphics). I was completely fascinated by the culture at one time. I knew of the Book of the Dead and the Book of the Living before anyone had ever told me about them. I knew the gods and goddesses and the way their system of the afterlife worked. More so, as we learned about this ancient culture, I felt as though I personally knew some of these people. I can recall the look of Cleopatra and Alexander the Great of Persia. I can recollect their first meeting, the way they plotted to kill her brother and crown her the Queen of all Egypt.

By seventh grade I was reciting Jesus’ words from the Gospel of Thomas. The sound of someone reading Aramaic literally makes me cry. Being in a stone church packed with people of doting faith is a rush of spiritual emotion for me. I can’t describe the feeling it gives me because it’s so different from any other emotion I’ve ever felt. I thought, for awhile, that I was an Empath because I can feel other’s emotions. I can feel dead presences as well; sometimes I can even recall their memories. The same goes for old objects. When I touch antiques it’s like a piece of the past comes from it into me. That amazing feeling brought me to the thought of becoming an Anthropologist; working with ancient objects and feeling as if I’m there. Sometimes I get the feeling of familiarity if the artifact is old enough. It’s almost like the feeling of walking in the front door of your childhood home that you hadn’t visited in twenty years.

I have this presence that is always there, whenever I call on him; Gabriel the Archangel. I feel strange saying it but I’m connected to him in a way that I’m connected to no one else. It’s the strangest bond. I became even closer to him when I took up the art of Reiki Healing. Usually, you must take steps to learning Reiki. It’s put into levels like children are put into grades. The Reiki teacher that taught these levels met me through a friend and asked me to allow her to teach me free of charge and allowed me to start at the second level, due to my natural ability as read in my aura. She preformed Reiki on me once and told me that my Guardian was in the room with me. Upon asking for a name, he replied “Gabriel.” I have no doubts of him now. He is there.

In eighth grade I was converting letters into numbers using the rule of Numerology. I was piecing together my life with numbers. I figured something very important that year, 9 would mean everything to me. The name of the boy I first kissed was a 9. The first person I loved, the one I lost my innocence to, people that changed my life, important dates in time, Gabriel himself, my favorite time of the day even, the month I was born, all of it equals 9. In no time at all I had worked a way to turn Binary Code into Numerology and then into letters. Using that process backwards, I began writing notes to my friends in Binary form, which they would convert to numbers and then I’d pass them a sheet of paper which I’d written the Numerology Code on, as it seemed that other’s had a tough time memorizing the conversions, and from there they would turn the numbers into letters and read the hidden message I had given them.

In ninth grade I sat down and decided that I’d teach myself meditation. The book I was learning from said it’d take me a good two weeks to reach the first level. I had mastered the seventh and final level in a week’s time. Two weeks into meditation, I surpassed the levels of that silly book and wound up at the Bridge of mediation. I felt as if I had the power of the whole universe inside me. I encouraged my three best friends to join me but they could barely reach the second level in three month’s time. I became sick of waiting and stopped my meditation altogether. My closest friends know everything I’m capable of and they accept it. I had proven to them the things I can do. When I was trying to convince them to meditate to the Bridge, that place that you can get inside other’s minds, I saw them nodding but I felt them wondering about my sanity. So, when we had a sleepover, I proved to them that I wasn’t crazy. I took each of my three closest friends by the hand and I told them one by one a deep, dark secret that they had been hiding from everyone they knew. They have never doubted me since. But still, I felt as though I was somehow cheating, that people can’t really do what I can do.

By tenth grade I had become an encyclopedia of supernatural and religious knowledge. I felt alone and absolutely insane at times. No other child I know has ever wept in sadness at the sight of the Virgin Mary crying tears of blood. No; a normal child would weep out of fear or disgust. No other child tells others that they’re wrong about the Devil and Lucifer being the same person. Lucifer was an angel who had fallen from pride and now suffers in the humiliation of the world mistaking him for the Devil. Satan, who was once an angel of God as well, is now all Man’s sins wrapped up into a breathing figure.

My junior year I was hypnotizing people to meet their past lives. I had read a book that my mother had hidden in the old dining room. It took me one read to memorize the process. The next day I had an Atheist kid believing in past lives; oxymoronic, i know. That was also the year my mother and I had caught a big snag in our relationship. I knew that she was special like me. She could do special things and hid special books around the house. But she would never talk about it with me, not ever. One night, when it was near Christmas, she went out and bought a bottle of cheap peach flavored wine. She sat me down, poured herself a cup, poured me one and said “ask away.” I sat there for hours with her asking her things, giving my opinion. I told her that my friends couldn’t keep up with me sometimes. I wasn’t smarter than them academically, but in weird ways I was. I was never a dull friend, that’s for damn sure. That’s when my mother looked at me and said, “Tessa, I remember when you used to meditate. It took you two/ three weeks to learn something that takes Tibetan monks their entire lives to master. You really expect your friends to learn how to do that too? ” She told me about how she could feel people like I could and how my grandmother could and so on. My ancestors could do little extrasensory tricks but I was the strongest by far. I was the one with the strongest religious ties into my extra talents.

In my first year of College I took an Art History course. It was intriguing. I loved it. The symbols and the meaning behind the works of art were easy to detect, as if I had made the sculptures and paintings with my own two hands. It came to me so quickly, all the knowledge from art piece to art piece; even architecture. The professor invited me to work at his art gallery on campus. I jumped on the offer. He looked at me as if I were some type of prodigy. I felt the happiness bubble up inside him when we spoke on certain subjects he liked. He was so happy to have found someone with so much interest in his line of work. He told me that he noticed me out of everyone else in his classroom because I was the one that had the fire in her eyes every time he showed us a new piece and asked us to analyze it. He loved calling on me because he knew how spot on I’d be, how I’d give a paragraph of information on the piece as if I’d seen it for myself. Maybe I have, I don’t know. Soon however, his interest in me became an obsession. Constantly he’d ask me “What are you?” I’d usually laugh it off or just come back with a witty remark like, “Well, I’m a product of my mother and father making up after a fight they’d gotten into.” He asked me as if I knew what I was. I don’t though. I don’t have any recollection of what it is I am. My professor began giving me poetry to interpret and gifts to remind me of him. He used me like a muse. He used the thought of me to model his art showings around my personality. As flattering as it was at first, it became more and more uncomfortable. I began to feel him growing more and more fond of me. He even got up the nerve to ask me if I still had my innocence, which at the time, I did, but it was completely inappropriate to ask me. He became more and more touchy-feely, sneering at his wife when she came to bring him lunch in the afternoons. I was changing him. The last day of the semester I walked out of the gallery at the end of my shift and never went back. Sometimes I can still feel him thinking about me.

That wasn’t the first time I’ve changed a person. It wasn’t the first time I made someone crazy. I had been down that road before and wasn’t going to put myself in anymore of those positions. People latch onto me as if they expect me to save them from the trouble in their lives. They literally become dependent and obsessive with me. They turn to me to give them guidance and they expect me to never leave them. I thought that’s what Guardian Angels were for. I can’t be that for them, as much as they try to tape wings on my back, and as much as I try to be that warrior that they need; the wall to hold them up…. How can I hold up others when I’m barely standing on my own two legs? How can I reinsure them that they have purpose and meaning when I can’t even figure out what or who it is I myself am?

Dearest Tessa,

You have most definitely made a newer step of many many more to come!

I want to say welcome home but I feel that you've been here already in spirit for quite sometime now! You'll find us as a collection of many many mirrors that hopefully will give you that opportunity to reflect and gain your self awareness that you so desperately seek and need.

The path is not an easy one but I feel that you have proven in the past that you are a truly undaunting soul in your search for the truth! And much more older in spirit than you really know!

Again thank you for coming back home once more! ~

Ouza

Thank you, Ouza. It means a lot to be welcomed by another old soul. <3

Sometimes when we are all falling down we hold each other up

Welcome Tessa

Greetings and welcome to the forum Tessa,

thank you for sharing such a personal journey with us....... and you may well find as you spend time with us here in our on-line home, that your journey has very similar patterns and resonance to other members here.

It's important to remember that we are all here to continue our exploration, increase our understanding, share our opinions and learn from each other. SO feel free to post in any of the threads on the forum, or starting new ones of your own. None of us has all the answers but we all have opinions and perhaps some of our memories and understanding may help you as you continue to awaken, and vice versa.

If you have any problems, please contact any of the Moderators or Admin and we'll do all we can to resolve it as quickly as possible. Pull up a chair by the fire, grab yourself a drink and be welcome here in our home,

Az

Sitting here at work and the overwhelming urge to visit the forum hits...

Hello Tessa and Welcome

Shame on you! You should be working :p I NEVER go online in work... No, I mean never... because they only have internet connection on one computer which is shared by everyone and I can't work out how to get online on my phone anywhere other than at home when it connects to my wifi. I tend to play cards instead

Sorry, off topic but I couldn't resist

Thank you everyone for your warm welcomes

Ish - Hey I was working.. sort of...

Tessa - Hope you find the answers you seek

Welcome belated

Ash

Thank you for the share